My Quest for happiness - escaping the road to nowhere.....

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Diablo, Jun 25, 2012.

  1. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Hey peeps :)

    I've been knocking about this site for a while now, but after ANOTHER failed reboot ( I managed 3 months with 1 relapse) I'm starting a journal for accountability and to track my progress and hopefully get support and input from you amazing people :)

    Well I'm going to try and refrain from rambling on endlessly but here i go...

    I'm 25 and still live at home with my mom. My life is going nowhere i feel I'm stuck in a rut that i can't find a way out of. The past ten years have been marred with recreational drug use and drinking, fighting and wasted opportunity. I've become a person that i hate and i think others do as well. I've created this tough persona to mask the insecure scared person i really am. I've tried to let go of this but I've been putting up a front for so long I'm not sure how to be the nice caring person i feel that i can be.

    I've never had a sexual relationship. I started masturbating around the age of 13-14 and started off masturbating to soft-core pornography but for the most part i just masturbated to fantasy. This all changed when i reached the age of 19 and i got fast internet access. I started watching pornography and masturbating multiple times a day. I was always shy growing up and found it difficult talking to girls, as i got older i used alcohol to become more confident and be able to flirt with females. I made out with many girls but lacked the confidence to be able to have sex. The first time i had a chance to have sex i was 21, the girl stripped naked and told me to take my clothes off and i just froze, i felt nothing happening down stairs and just made my excuses that i was to drunk and got out of there! I had never felt like such a loser. Then a year later i was in bed with a girl making out, we was both naked and i couldn't get erect even when see performed oral sex. I had to stimulate myself to get erect and lost my erection after 2 minutes of intercourse, i had never felt so embarrassed in my life. After another failed attempt at sex i just stopped trying to get girls into bed, i would make out with girls when drunk but would never pursue it further to avoid the embarrassment of getting ED. All the time i would masturbate 1- 3 times a day usually to porn not knowing this is what is most likely causing my ED with real females.

    I found the YBOP website around a year ago and it was a revelation! I instantly tried to quit pornography and masturbation and soon found how hard it was and many relapses ensued. I was finally managed to get to 8 weeks no PMO and i got an erection just kissing a girl and i felt i was on the road to recovery! But things didn't quite workout with the girl and i had started a new job and found it stressful with the reboot and i ended up relapsing. The new year came and went i turned 25 and knew i had to change, if i was ever to be happy i had to do this. I started a new reboot and i was going strong, I was still doing the job and it looked like my life was finally going somewhere. The only bad thing was i was suffering from increased anxiety from the reboot and i found it stressful doing my job, so i walked out... Alot of people didn't understand why i walked out at the time as i haven't told anyone about what i was going through, but i made a decision at the time the reboot and fixing my ED was the most important thing in my life at this time. I got to 3 months with one relapse halfway through. I think i was still flatlining as i felt pretty dead down there most of the time. I was getting morning wood and I had 2 wet dreams, the first time i had ever had them! I had some unrelated problems occur in my life that lead me to me relapse hard i been PMO'ing alot the last week. I've realised i PMO to deal with stress and bad shit that occurs in my life, well im putting a stop to this now.

    Well i ended up rambling ;) If you've read all this thank you, it was good to get it out. My heads a little messed up but i'm putting all my energy into sorting my life out and not wasting my life being unhappy. I know the changes i am making are intended to be for life and thats what i intend but i am giving this 6 months as the 3 months in the previous attempt wasn't enough. After 6 months if i haven't seen any sign of serious progress i am going to have to evalute whether this process can work for me. That being said i have faith.

    Goals for the next 6 months and beyond:

    • Complete abstinence from porn and masturbation
      Get in the best shape of my life
      No Drugs!
      No binge drinking
      Take better care of myself
      Get closer to my family, send more time with them and try to include them in my life and to be a bigger of a part if theirs
      Get my career up and running again
      Limit the internet for education purposes only
      Seek counseling if needed
      Become more confident and extroverted without the need for alcohol or drugs
      Be more flirtatious with females
      Find a girlfriend
      Cure E.D

    Well thats it! I will be updating this journal every 2-3 days as im limiting my time on the internet. I wish everyone the best of luck on their journey, i understand how hard this is but if i'm ever going to be happy i've got to do this.
  2. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Hmm maybe your right? I did wonder why i find it 'easy' to quit porn but quitting masturbation is far tougher. I think I'm addicted to orgasm rather than PMO. I find it hard to tell, i can still masturbate without porn and just use fantasy. I definitely think my brain is wired to porn because i get erections looking at porn but i feel I'm desensitized to the real thing. I do watch alot of porn especially while I'm unemployed and a vast majority of the time when i masturbate it is to porn. Fantasy is just as bad as porn in my situation i think, because over the years my lack of sexual experience with real females has lead me to create a 'sex life' in my head where i jack off about females in my life and never try and sleep with the chicks in real life.

    Well I'm almost used to this reboot process and periods of abstinence now. Stopping masturbating isn't as tough as it used to be. The first few weeks are definitely the toughest. I found the trick is to keep myself busy, make constructive changes in my life that will help and hopefully speed up my reboot. I try and spend alot more time outdoors, whether it be socializing with friends or just long dog walks in the country, I find exercising especially weight training is definitely a great way to relive stress and helps to improve my mood. I try and spend as little time in front of the computer as i can as this increases the potential of triggers that can lead to relapse.

    Good luck to you too man :)
  3. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Diablo!
    Reading your first post i felt you are commited with your journey.
    Thats very good! First step.

    I just have one suggestion: try to look for progress on each day of your journey.

    Day by day, step by step.

    And I also woukd ask you what are you doing or planning to do to achieve your goals?

    Good luck, man!
  4. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Thanks for your comment man! :)

    I'm very committed, the way I've lead my thus far clearly hasn't worked and I've come to the realization some drastic changes have to made. It's difficult as i am coming to the realization that some many aspects of my life need changing and before in previous reboots I've just sat back and waited for changes to happen and i got down heartened when things didn't appear to happen. Maybe just simply quitting PMO isn't going to be enough i need to be proactive to become who i want to be.

    Well i haven't really made any solid plans, any suggestions? In order to rewire i need to be around and try and improve my social skills with women, most importantly without alcohol. I need to stop doing recreational drugs so keeping away from situations where i might come into contact with them would be good but that would mean dropping certain friends, i think i just need to have better resolve and just say NO! I want to get closer to my family so i need to find a way to interact with them more. Procrastination is another big issue that i need to address, i always put off doing things that need to be done.

    Looking for improvements day by day is good advice and I'll be sure to put it into practice.
  5. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Your right man thanks for the advice, I'll see what i can come up with.

    Day 2.

    Libido's was low today, no urge to look at porn or masturbate. I'm ill at the moment and unrelated issues in my life have been getting me down the last couple of days. I've also been lazy and haven't really done much but sit at home watching T.V ect. I need to keep myself busy and stop wallowing. Hopefully when I've got over this illness i can start being more productive. No morning wood or any erection at all today.
  6. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member


    You can read carefully ybop. There are many suggestions there to change habits.

    In my case I m realizing that this much more than quiting porn.

    Its rebooting my life.

    Step by step.

    This is a process and demands time and patience.

    We were so used to masturbate that we didnt need to think too much on our lifes.

    I m on my day 20 so I can talk about this short experience.

    I m meditating everyday and is really very helpful foor me. I m doing Osho technics meditation. They are very active, some of the technics are really strong. And for me this is very good.
    (i never meditated before)

    I m walking almost every day.
    I m being very careful with alcohol. I dont use to drink too much but I realized that on this reboot process even a small amount has big impact on my mood.

    I m also learning japanese. This may sounds strange. But is so hard that keeps my mind really busy. It demands a lot of mental energy to memorize characters and words. And i found a very funny course at internet. So i have some fun studying.

    Other ideas are coming as I feeling better and opened to new habits.

    You need to find what you ENJOY to do and go for it.

    Excercise? Music? Meditation? Yoga? Dancing? Cooking? A new language? Etc etc

    Join a group and make a course.

    Try, let yourself try different things.

  7. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Well i relapsed :( .. Found an old 'Girls Gone Wild' DVD yesterday and thought fuck it and watched it

    My whole life is fucked, pretty much rock bottom at the moment. So much in my life needs changing, i know i need to sort it all out but i feel sedated :-\

    Within me i feel a small spark, a voice telling me i was destined for greater things, not this loser i see in the mirror. Deep down i know i can do this, my life needs a complete and utter over haul.

    I keep getting racing thoughts through my mind that cloud what i know needs to be done. Thoughts like 'I have to masturbate, its needed to keep a healthy prostate', and 'this wont work, whats the point?'.... Only positive thoughts from now on, I've been down before I've got to pull myself up and keep going and don't stop until the end, where ever the end is, hopefully happiness... :)

    Well today was a PMO free day, going to have to seriously re-structure my life in order to make this work. Tomorrows going to be a fresh start, going to give this my all.
  8. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Come again, Diablo!

    Keep walking!

    You are doing very well by obseving your actions, your feelings.
    Every day you are becoming more aware.
  9. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Thanks for the support man, glad to report today was a better day! :)

    Day 2

    Mood was a lot better day, felt much more focused no depressed feelings whatsoever. Was another lazy day but that was planned, got my sleep pattern sorted out, no more staying up all night and sleeping through to the afternoon.

    Libido was up some what but it was PMO libido, the urge to fap not the urge to go out and meet girls which is true libido IMO.

    Was just lying down chilling today watching TV, not watching anything even mildly sexual and i got an erection pretty much out of nowhere. It took me by surprise I got up and walked around and it stayed around for a few minutes! I also woke up from a short sleep and had a strong erection. It helped to remind myself that there isn't nothing physically wrong with me which often runs through my mind a few weeks into a flat-line in previous reboot attempts.

    Planning a busier more constructive day tomorrow. Feeling very optimistic :)

    Hope everyones doing well.
  10. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Day 4

    Mood : 6.5

    Today was ok, libido was up but not raging. I'm spending far too much time watching T.V and on the laptop. Recent events in my life have lead me to want to take a 'time-out' from my social life, I know its not ideal for a reboot but if it keeps me away from certain situations its not necessarily a bad thing. I need to be out meeting new people having new experiences in order to grow as a person. At the moment im managing just to not watch porn and fap, that's sufficient for the time being :)

    Had strong morning wood and had 2 spontaneous erections out of nowhere while led in bed watching TV again. They lasted 10-15 minutes, i dont really know what to make of them tbh. Led in bed looking at screen is normally the place i would PMO, maybe my brain has associated being there with fappin and getting off, thats why i been getting erections? Or maybe its just the first week surge of libido and it will pass? I'm not complaining it just makes me think is my problem as bad as i think it is? Enough of the over-thinking :p

    Things are going ok, almost cruising at this early point

    Good luck guys, hope your all doing well
  11. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Day 6

    Mood: 6.5

    Going well, glad to get the first week under my belt. Had morning wood again this morning, started a new work out regime to get me into to shape. Could spend my time more constructively but thats something to work on. Haven't drank alcohol in nearly 2 weeks and I think i feel better for it.

    Nothing major or profound to report, No real urges to look at porn or even fap. After all the reboot attempts I think i'm used to abstaining now. Roll on a month of no PMO! :)

    Stay strong peeps
  12. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Good job man, you're making some real progress. Remember, you become what you think about. 8)
  13. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Thanks for the support man! Its appreciated

    Day 8

    Mood 6.5

    Trucking along pretty well. My moods stable I have moments where I feel down but overall I feel fine. I haven't been sociable the last few days, I didn't go out over the weekend having refused offers from friends. I have made a decision to quit alcohol during this reboot but I find myself avoiding situations where I might drink. The only problem is all my friends drink! I need to learn how to socialize without the alcohol crutch It will probably just feel awkward at first.

    My sleep pattern is fucked at the moment, been trying in vain to sort it out the last few days.

    On on the upside libido is up! Not sure if you can class it as 'true libido' but I'm still getting morning wood and I keep fantasizing over real females which often leads to a 60 - 70 % erection albeit they don't last to long. No sign of the flat-line as of yet.

    I've found myself watching a lot of TV, Its sucks because most of the shows I like to watch have some degree of sex/nudity in them. I was bought the 'Game of Thrones' season 1 box set, I was looking forward to watch until I heard the amount of nudity and sex in it. To the point where Its almost like soft-core porn :( Oh well should probably find more constructive things to do than watching TV anyway!

    Stay strong guys

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