My Quest : A Journal that picks up after 5 years

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ratrans, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    Hi
    I am back to the forum after .. a while.

    I first encountered the concept that P/M/O might be an addiction and causing problems to me about 5 years ago.

    I feverishly started working on this and followed instructions that i gleaned from various threads in all sincerity. I had a 3 month streak, 1 month streak, multiple weekly streaks.
    I have literally employed all suggestions including long walks, martial arts, meditation, breathing exercise, working, journaling. Then somewhere along the way i lost it all. I binged. and binged. and well.... i guess one reason was that there were no tangible downsides to this. except for the fact i was watching more and more porn, jerking off frequently. I did not have any girlfriends at that times so i could never how bad my sensitivity was affected. I had no erectile dysfunctions and was doing decently well at my job and other things.
    So no real reason then to quit.

    Actually no real reason to quit now either. Except i want to take up a personal challenge and change the way I live.

    In the past 5 years since i "quit quitting" pmo, i have been through a lot in life. I finished business school, had two relationships with one serious landed a job at a good company made some good friends. While I have been through a lot in life, when I read the posts I had posted 5 years back, when i started this , i can still relate to every word of it and feel i would still not be typing any thing else.

    I have never journal-led before and do not have any method of knowing what i was like in the past except reminisce with photos and memories. But this journal , the only piece that gives me a glimpse of what i was 5 years ago. And being able to relate to every word i typed out then, I dunno if this means well, since my mental condition regarding this does not seem to have altered.
    I am still kinda addicted, without serious repercussions. (I have noticed though my de-sensitized arousal levels when I was in relationships).

    But now i am trying to bounce back from the break up i had from the serious relation ship. It was a serious , but unhealthy and ultimately toxic relationship.

    As i look to bounce back, I want to undertake a growth activity that a me looking at me 6 months down the line would be proud of.

    I want to get back into the dating/marriage scene only if I am satisfied that I am not addicted to my senses. I am a man who am able to take charge of my choices and not a slave to pleasures. I am also hoping that some of the mental wiring that i have so deeply engraved in the last 15 years of my life will loosed up .thereby opening new pathways for enjoyment.

    This is a quest for me to re-build my self personally and professionally and become an ideal man, and one of the key stone habit is for me to have a habit of not PMO ing. And thus I would not only be cribbing about the difficulty of no PMOing i would also freely journal about the other thoughts and habits that i am thinking and trying to incorporate, more like a public private diary, hoping it can help me, and also give some food for thought to someone who is actually reading this.



    I am setting up for myself a 90 day challenge starting today.
     
  2. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    So that's 8 days without P M O. It was without incident primarily because i have been busy. However this sunday i was at home and due to a severe neck pain from past few days, chucked all my plans for an outdoor weekend. Ended up watching some fantasy tv series . Ended up dreaming about sex and almost touching myself while i was napping.

    Anyways after posting this i sought to establish some guardrails to ensure , from my past experiences, my urges are minimised and i dont end up using will power as my only defense. Picked up the idea actually from the re-wiring league thread.
    1. Good Sleep - I have been setting my alarms to ensure i get at least 8 hours of sleep. Its okay if i wake up early and feel fresh to start the day.
    2. Breathing excercise - Pranayama as it is known. At least 5 minutes a day, at home or while commute.
    3. No fantasizing / Actively avoiding triggers - When ever i caught myself looking at a woman i actively look away. in real life or while i watch something.
    4. Reading - Reading for at least half an hour , serious non-fiction that lets my brain work in a direction that i want it to grow.

    These four i have been able to consistently do for the past week. Iv also dabbled with meditation , excercising, mindfulness, fasting, but have yet to streamline them as stable processes.

    While I was surfing and researching for better methods and what went wrong in my previous stint i stumbled upon this post by @TheUnderdog .
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

    Brilliant post. I almost wish i had this level of insight early on. but this captures my own research bang on.
    Curing porn / masturbation addiction through abstinence is just attempting to cure your fever by reducing the body temperature. While it might help in the short term, it doest solve for what actually caused the fever in the first place.

    While I have not been able to work as much as i would have liked to on my life vision and goals, i have spent a few hours and wanted to get started on what i thought immediately. Like i said in my previous post, and as i have been delightfully convinced by the above article, this is more of a holistic self improvement journey rather than one bad habit.

    Below are the habits/traits i would like the ideal me to have
    Amor Fati ( an grateful acceptance of the turn of events) ; Never complaining meaninglessly.
    Detached passion (Karma yoga) - be in the "flow" state in whatever i do. give it a 100% and never regret i could have done something better.
    No craving (for food or any pleasure). I should be in control and not be a slave to my senses. Eg. go without food for a day without being miserable
    Be fit and healthy.
    Be effective at work. (Achieve financial independence as soon as possible / minimize wants)
    Active spiritual practice. ( Why am i alive / what is the meaning of all this / what more)

    I will elaborate more on the actual techniques practices i employ /plan to employ for the above in my next post.

    Short - Medium term goal (3-6 months)
    Lose 10Kgs.
    Run 15K marathon
    Go trekking on the top 2 highest peaks in my state
    Go on a solo weekend trip with an unknown group of people
    Visit the 3 meditation centers near me and meditate
    Delivery my work goals to get set for promotion by end of 2019.
    Read at least 2 non-fiction books a month. (Any number of fictional/stories/fantasies)
    Have a set morning routine
    Be on top of my finances
     
  3. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    Got messed up completely again.
    Went for a week with just M& O and then succumbed to P.

    i dont really feel bad because
    1. i was not in a position to have any healthy habit going on. without habits like excercise and probably an outing it is nigh impossible to beat this with just will power
    2. i was not prepared to handle emotional low without this. my first relapse was triggered because of one very bad day at office and then it just continued.
    3. i was too stressed at work to realistically think of anything other than an occasional pleasure after work.

    short term fix - i am not going cold turkey with PMO. i have relied too much on it for the past decade to be able to completely be off from it especially when im met with emotional disturbances. I will stop the P part. the endorphin rush of M&O i will be using as a tool for a few weeks. Resetting the counter to reflect this. I will stop the P part from Dec 25th. ( i learnt setting a date in the future makes this more significant). since i have not established myself in other pleasant activities that relaxes me and stuff, i would just get depressed and stressed out. I will consider it a win if i do not watch porn for the next 30 days.

    Iv been reading books on habits and realise the importance and the criticality of setting up practicces on auto mode so that they do no deplete will power.

    Dec 25th
    1. No porn
    2. Morning ritual.
    3. MIT

    Thats it. I am then free to do whtever else i want. once i have established these for a month. i will stack more habits on them.
     
  4. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    iv done a lot of thinking.
    lot of journaling about my break up processed it and am feeling significantly better.
    also read a bunch of books about habits. now time to implement them.
    coincidentally its the new year. so timing it as a resolution

    used porn as a crutch to get over my mood swings.
    now i have confidence of dealing alone.

    i have finalized on the following.

    1. morning ritual - wake up. think about who i am. be mindful. gayathri mantra. gratefulness. stretch. neck excercise. make up bed. drink warm water. breathing excercise. meditation. gym.
    2. have salad /no/curd rice for lunch
    3. read a book at night.
    &
    complete abstinence.

    everything else is fair game fo rnow.
     
  5. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    Update.
    Have been able to keep up the challenges i set up for myself for the last four days.
    The morning routine. having a healthy lunch and reading book at night.
    And of course PMO.

    Was all alone today at office.
    Supremely tired. and Heavily horny. Also getting recurring thoughts about my break up. Went kind of beserk. Had a massage and gorged on cookies.
    Read some spiritual material,
    Feeling a physical urge to let off.
    The first day when you are alone in PMO is hardest. In fact it is impossible to start it over a weekend when you are alone. I had hoped a few days into this and keeping myself busy at office would be enuf. but its proving harder than that.

    I am literally forcing myself with the morning routines and keeping myself super busy at office. Planning for weekend getaways with friends and all.
    Even right now i am questioning why i am putting myself through this. I mean it is causing no pain or harm to me. Just one time wont hurt. Why denying myself this pleasure. Its not like i am having other pleasures. Why am i not having other pleasures. Why am i hankering after pleasures.

    I surfed for more than an hour to convince myself. Even now i dont know why i am putting up with this. Other than for a fancy concept of self control. This challenge is to prove to myself that i have control over my desires. and not the other way around. i wont die if i dont watch porn or masturbate for 3 months. and i really want to go with it. now if i am tempted it can only mean that i cant. if i cant it means i am addicted. and its difficult. so i am addicted. after this it will only get eassier. i will start finding pleasure in other activities. i wont ahve to resort to high speed internet in incognito mode in private time to bring myself pleasure. listening to music and meditation and excercise and talking to my family and friends will all get more pleasurable. if i am truly hankering after pleasure than i should go this way where my pleasures increase with more mundane activities.

    today is the one day i was alone. after this for the next 14 days i wont be alone. and will be engaged. so my next alone day will be two weeks into this and hopefully easier. for safey sake i will plan to do some activity.

    why is it me. is something wrong with me. ppl are living normal lives? are they frustrated with these internal challenges? probably if they have everything sorted in life. a girlfriend.if they have some other passion. something to keep them holding to. i dunnow i feel i am a slave of myself sometimes.
    i soemtimes wonder why does anyone need to put up with this at all.

    i mean suicide is just a way of choosing .. if u dont like a dish u throw it away. if u dont like life why can u throw it away. i know i ahve a sense of responsibilty to my family. and stuff. but as a thought excercise. if i was an orphan. and i am in the position i am in now. why would i not just end life. i mean. if i deny myself pleasures. and the pleasures are not so pleasurable and only thing to look forward to in life is more variations of this suffering. more uncertainities. they why should i live. good question.

    i am sincerely hoping this is where religion and spirituality come into picture.
    buddhism has caught my fancy.lets c
     
  6. ratrans

    ratrans Member

    Update.
    Have been able to keep up the challenges i set up for myself for the last four days.
    The morning routine. having a healthy lunch and reading book at night.
    And of course PMO.

    Was all alone today at office.
    Supremely tired. and Heavily horny. Also getting recurring thoughts about my break up. Went kind of beserk. Had a massage and gorged on cookies.
    Read some spiritual material,
    Feeling a physical urge to let off.
    The first day when you are alone in PMO is hardest. In fact it is impossible to start it over a weekend when you are alone. I had hoped a few days into this and keeping myself busy at office would be enuf. but its proving harder than that.

    I am literally forcing myself with the morning routines and keeping myself super busy at office. Planning for weekend getaways with friends and all.
    Even right now i am questioning why i am putting myself through this. I mean it is causing no pain or harm to me. Just one time wont hurt. Why denying myself this pleasure. Its not like i am having other pleasures. Why am i not having other pleasures. Why am i hankering after pleasures.

    I surfed for more than an hour to convince myself. Even now i dont know why i am putting up with this. Other than for a fancy concept of self control. This challenge is to prove to myself that i have control over my desires. and not the other way around. i wont die if i dont watch porn or masturbate for 3 months. and i really want to go with it. now if i am tempted it can only mean that i cant. if i cant it means i am addicted. and its difficult. so i am addicted. after this it will only get eassier. i will start finding pleasure in other activities. i wont ahve to resort to high speed internet in incognito mode in private time to bring myself pleasure. listening to music and meditation and excercise and talking to my family and friends will all get more pleasurable. if i am truly hankering after pleasure than i should go this way where my pleasures increase with more mundane activities.

    today is the one day i was alone. after this for the next 14 days i wont be alone. and will be engaged. so my next alone day will be two weeks into this and hopefully easier. for safey sake i will plan to do some activity.

    why is it me. is something wrong with me. ppl are living normal lives? are they frustrated with these internal challenges? probably if they have everything sorted in life. a girlfriend.if they have some other passion. something to keep them holding to. i dunnow i feel i am a slave of myself sometimes.
    i soemtimes wonder why does anyone need to put up with this at all.

    i mean suicide is just a way of choosing .. if u dont like a dish u throw it away. if u dont like life why can u throw it away. i know i ahve a sense of responsibilty to my family. and stuff. but as a thought excercise. if i was an orphan. and i am in the position i am in now. why would i not just end life. i mean. if i deny myself pleasures. and the pleasures are not so pleasurable and only thing to look forward to in life is more variations of this suffering. more uncertainities. they why should i live. good question.

    i am sincerely hoping this is where religion and spirituality come into picture.
    buddhism has caught my fancy. lets c
     

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