My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I know how it feels, but best thing to do is to still try again. Do not beat yourself up with this relapse, or disappear from the forum, I beg you. If you manage to turn the course immediately to the right direction again, then it was just a minor slip. Just make this one day clean. Its all that matters, focusing on this current day. Then in little time you can have things rolling once again.
    You can do this!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I know I'm the last person who should be giving it, but here's my advice: don't give up. A break might extend itself over and over again, until you feel ready... if that ever happens. I'm with Titan, stay here even though it's difficult (and understandably so.)
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Fuck! I somehow had missed yr recent posts, Oneway. You've been under a lot of pressure and having stayed clean all that time means you have it in you.

    It seems as though that lil' bit of peeking was enough to fire things up and made it harder to resist the pull. S'why I made no-peeking one of my bottom lines as I have had this experience many times. "I'll just have lil' look" I'd say to myself, "a lil' looksee won't hurt... its not like pmo".

    Please resist the urge, as much as possible, to beat yrself up over this as you prolly already know how guilt and shame can fuel the addiction. Besides, relapsing is as much a part of recovery as are clean-steaks: its how we learn about our triggers etc, and how to better manage them.

    Oh, Buddy. I encourage you get straight back on the horse even though it feels like the hardest thing in the world to do so, as having a session or two is unlikely undo all the good work you've done rewiring, you're not actually back to zero in yr recovery, at all. Even though it prolly feels like it.

    On the other hand, if you decide, after careful deliberation and having listened to what I and the rest of the fellas have to offer, that you truly need to rest from the struggle to regroup yr energies or whatever, to remind yourself how continuing to wade through the muck has absolutely no benefit, I will of course respect your decision and be here for you (always, of course!) when yr ready to try again.

    Just maybe ask yrself, honestly, if the pull to fall back into it without resistance isn't just the addicted brain talking!

    Also, also. Why not keep coming here and journelling the experience? Could be very enlightening and there's no rule says one needs to be abstinent to be active, continueing to learn and grow while supporting others. Like TT did he fell off the wagon but kept coming back through that few months where he felt almost zero strength or motivation to get clean... my feeling is that it paid off for him as, imo, he was still more or less working recovery even as he was caught in the cycle.

    Big loves to you, Brother. You deserve mega-creds for your efforts so far (under extraordinary pressure, no less) and this disease being the insidiuos monster that it is, there ain't no shame to be had nowhere, no how.

    Peace to you.
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  4. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    I'm with Billy on this one Oneway. Keep journaling. Don't get discouraged. This is one tough beast to slay. There is only one way to go, Oneway. Keep at it, brother. I know the feeling you're experiencing and I'm rooting for you 100%.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This would be a time to cave in entirely if ever there was one. Don't allow that to happen!

    Support!! We're all here for you.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Oneway - I've not been around much lately (so I'm not one to talk...) but have been reading back on your journal. The other guys are right - this community is here for you...

    Whatever's going on, don't despair...
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi everyone,

    Big (but belated) thanks for everyone commenting and showing their support after my last post almost half a year ago. I dissappeared from the forum mainly because at the time I felt my motivation to quit was highly questionable.

    Since disappearing I have lived on my own almost half a year now. Separation with my (soon to be officially ex) wife has continued and we have no intention of getting back together. I guess in our case the divorce was the correct thing to do. I have felt mainly relief that it is over. Of course there are bad moments when the loneliness feels a bit overwhelming but generally I feel good living on my own.

    Regarding PMO I have kept trying and failing. Lately the addiction has taken a stronger hold of me and I am ashamed to admit that I have even called in sick from work (twice) because of it during last month. Last weeks PMO sessions have been almost daily and taken many, many hours a time.

    This has alerted me to understand that I am on a slippery slope that is getting steeper and steeper and in the bottom awaits the total destruction of my life. Probably loss of my work, health and relation to my children. First time I have felt on couple of occasions that I am totally out of control with my porn use. This has scared the shit out of me as I now clearly see where the porn-path is leading and it is not where I want my life to go!

    So the motivation issues I had last time writing here should be now in order.

    I last used on tuesday which means that I am one day clean.
     
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good job coming back. Retreating is what the addict part of the brain wants. Sucks that your marriage broke down, but now is the time to really take charge of your own life. You can do this!
     
    Oneway likes this.
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Oneway,

    Im sad to hear how P have devoured your life recently. But Im glad you decided to return in here. Im sure that with the help of with accountability factor of this board, you will manage more days clean than on your own. Maybe we will not yet manage the break the curse for good, but every clean day more is the step in right direction, towards the positive self-affirmation and taking reins in our lives.
    I know how it really feels at times how P delivers. It really gives us a sense of acceptance and sexual adventure. Being the king at the carnal lust. But someone in here aptly named it false intimacy. Its not real and will get us trapped in half-life, sucking away our willpower and zest for our lives. Its a succubi, who masks to be our friend but is really draining us like a vampire. I hope you put the end of that, by reminding yourself constantly how P really is a false and damaging thing. Im struggling with the exactly same thoughts, Im hearing its enticing voice in my head. It promises delights for us who feel to be at loss, lonely and cut from the female company or sociability in general. Its so easy to drown one's sorrow in that dark entity which P is. It takes our pain away, but it takes all precious things with it too. The price is too much to pay, do you not agree?

    Together we are stronger, supporting each other, giving understanding at the times of trouble. I hope you are now to stay until really breaking the addiction.
    Until that, we will fight together as a brothers-in-arms against this foe.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2017
    Oneway likes this.
  10. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Oneway - welcome back! Sorry you've been having such a rough time, but well done on your new determination (and honesty). Keep going!
     
    Oneway likes this.
  11. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Oneway - how's it going? I hope your weekend is turning out ok.
     
  12. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks for your comments and support.

    Unfortunately since I wrote last time I have binged on porn. Began on thursday evening and ended on friday at noon (slept a couple of hours in between). All the time doing it I knew I was damaging myself and deep down I did want to stop, but couldn't. Thats addiction in action I guess. Needless to say I have felt horrible afterwards.

    After doing relatively well for year or two, last months have brought me to the lowest point related to this addiction I can remember. I dont trust myself a bit and feel like I have no control.

    I need to go back to the practices that have worked for me earlier. Even if it is not very much, I was able to go without p almost three months less than a year ago. It was because I was serious and consistent in my approach. I catched all sexual thoughts and motives for actions before I went over the point of no return. I must begin to do the same now. Lately I have been half-hearted in this battle. It needs to change.

    Almost three days free now. It is a good beginning.
     
  13. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    This addiction is strange. Scary and strange.

    One might be on a 100/300/600+ day streak getting his life back and then after couple of relapses again struggle to get past one day without using. I know some of it have to do with pure brain chemistry but still the relapses and failures seem to shift our mental state so that we allow ourselves each consequent porn usage easier and easier.

    Still we're the same person we were before relapse. We have the same capacity to be free as we had before the relapse. It seems that it is in the mind. We are too devastated to loose a some number in our counter and then feel like nothing matters any more. Deep inside we believe a lie that gives addiction its strenght back.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Yup - that's the thing. We're still exactly the same person we were before the relapse but we believe somehow that cos we've screwed up nothing matters anymore. Truth is, each of us still matter more than we could possibly imagine and our future possibilities are beyond our wildest imagination - if we would only get up and keep trying.

    It's easy to write down - not so easy to put into practice though. I know how you feel cos I've been there loads of times. Keep going mate!
     
    Oneway likes this.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    3 days. Steady as she goes...

    Trying to be extra careful avoiding triggers and not fantasizing. It seems that for me there is no middle ground. I'm either all in or I'm out. I can't afford the slightest compromize with the addict within these days and maybe not never.

    Felt somewhat depressed yesterday. Lonely. Even at work surrounded by people I feel loneliness. Kind of outsider not really belonging anywhere. This divorce thing sometimes feels like drifting without a purpose. Everything familiar that I've gotten used to is now gone and nothing new has emerged.

    It is not that I'm longing back. I think I'm better off now in general. It is more like not knowing where to go now in my life.

    Evening was better. My girls have been with me from sunday and having them around is nice. They seem to have adapted to the new situation well.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2017
  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Oneway - you're absolutely right. It's one step at a time at this stage. I can't even pretend to understand all the additional stresses you're under but simply from a PMO addiction standpoint it's just about being very careful as you navigate away from the danger zone.

    The first few days & weeks are like sailing a ship between jagged rocks - you need to be very aware and constantly vigilant. It does get easier as you get into open water. There will always be dangers but you do have significant times where you can actually relax and enjoy your freedom.

    Keep going mate!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Lowdo. You're spot on.

    Feeling somewhat tempted right now...but trying to look at the bigger picture. Wanking to porn will give me temporary high and then throw me back to the place of increased desparation and hopelessness. I'm not going back there. Not today!
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    How's that for timing!?

    Stay clean , Brother.

    One day at a time and all that.

    Ace: yr an inspiration.
     
    Oneway likes this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    What a perfect metaphor.
     
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    And this.

     

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