My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Posi-vibes to you, Bro. I can only imagine the stress you're facing but I'm stoked to see you staying on track through it.

    Please don't take this as unsolicited advice but purely an observation based on my own experience: I find sms to be an appalling means of communication when it comes to anything important, anything emotionally charged. It's so fraught with potential for misunderstanding... personally I will call someone asap, or arrange a time to meet and talk if I receive a text that's emotionally charged as there is way too much potential for ambiguity. Just a thought.

    Peace to ya, mate.
    Oneway likes this.
  2. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    12 days.

    Thanks again Titan for your well timed message that probably saved me from relapse.

    Must say that yesterday was mentally the hardest in a long time. In the afternoon got the divorce papers which I should fill in and sign. Just couldn't force myself to do it. To end 27 years with a few lines and a signature just felt overwhelming.

    @Saville. At times I feel slight optimism and positive expectations about the future and would just like to move on. Then sometimes (like yesterday) I see no light and am terrified about how life seems to turn out for me. I quess it is all part of a process where balance can be found in time.

    @Newman8888. At the moment it sure seems that my marriage is ending. Even when I eventually get myself to sign the divorce papers there is still a six month period before the final decision is to be made. My only affair has been with porn increasing in intensity and negative consequences during the years. It has made me more and more mentally unavailable and ended our sex life many years ago. Regardless of how things will eventually go I know porn usage doesn't help any scenario.

    @Billy B. You're so right about the sms. Thanks for pointing it out! When we were able to agree on things we sat face to face by the kitchen table and dicussed things calmly in (what one could call almost) relaxed athmosphere. Sms many times makes the communication cold and impersonal and very prone to misunderstandings as you said.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Oneway, You saved me from relapse just few days ago. Now I want to compliment you from coming in here just in right time and telling us about the danger you were at the moment. Its the most essential that we try to reach for help in the moment of need. I try to do that too, even few friendly words could really make a difference.

    Lets have an another clean day, which means it will be a good day, no matter what!
    Oneway and Billy B. like this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Big loves to ya, Bro.
    Oneway likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My marriage almost ended a few years ago and I know how raw and terrible this feeling is. I can only imagine, though, the finality of these papers. We are all here for you. No matter how shitty you feel keep showing up on the forum and posting in your journal. You are right, P won't help anything, but us fellows here will help support as best we can.

    Hugs, my friend.
    Oneway and Billy B. like this.
  6. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thank you guys for your empathy and kind words. Reading them made me feel deeply. You sure have heart in the right place.

    13 days.

    Got myself to sign the divorce papers this morning. After the initial shock and taking a time-out it was just something that had to be done...and it is now. Now there is the six months separation period after which the final divorce is granted...or the whole thing can be cancelled should we decide so.

    I felt much better yesterday. Compared to the overwhelming feeling of anxiety on friday it is almost miraculous how different yesterday was. Had a friend come over and it was so nice to discuss all that is happening with him.

    Reboot wise easy days have continued. Some occasional urges but staying clean is quite easy at the moment. I feel glimmer of hope rising. Maybe it is my turn to finally get free...maybe I have made the necessary mistakes, learned from them and finally have the pieces in place for success.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, mate.
  8. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Billy. These days my emotions seem to be all over the place. Feeling anxious, feeling slightly hopeful and everything inbetween. I quess it is part of the divorce process and most probably the ongoing reboot contributes also in form of withdrawals.

    14 days.

    Second week of reboot was easier than I expected. Didn't feel so much direct urges as just a need to medicate the emotional emptiness with porn a couple of times. Probably I am in a flatline now as the direct urges to PMO are almost non-existant. I know that at some point they will return though.
    Billy B. likes this.
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Two weeks! Good going, Oneway! :cool:
    I think we are close to same phase in this rebooting. It can truly be said that no day will be the same as the next one.
    We should not worry too much about future. Its better just to focus of this current day, or current moment if it feels very difficult. Emotions come and go and will pass eventually. If really harsh cravings or bad feelings would arise, lets share the burden in here. Its the right choice to reach for help, rather than to try to escape which would be the bad choice, only hurting us further.
    Oneway and Billy B. like this.
  10. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Oneway, you're under a lot of stress at the moment. I can only imagine. At the same time through your writing, I sense that you're strongly motivated to start a new chapter, one free of PMO, in your life. This is the best gift you can give yourself. Stay focused. I'm wishing you strength during this challenging phase.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, man. It really is very inspiring to me. I may be a long way into reboot but I'm still facing a lot of life-challenges and your commitment to staying on task under such extraordinary circumstances (even when you've back-slid occasionally) helps me to feel that perhaps I, too, can dig-deep and find a way through.
    Oneway likes this.
  12. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    15 days

    I have had a good relationship with my father in law. I like him as a man and I have hoped that we could retain somekind of relationship even after the divorce. Yesterday I learned that probably it is not going to happen. He finds it awkward to see me, even for one more time so I could thank him for the years I've known him. In a way I understand him and I have no hard feelings. It is his daughter I'm divorcing and basically we're connected through her. Just thought that we had something beyond that. Nevertheless, mental blow was quite devastating and I found it pretty tempting (again) to escape to p-land. Gladly I didn't do it. It doesn't help a bit.

    Titan. You're so right about not worrying. I tell myself not to do it and then after a while I find my mind racing through different future scenarios again. It is frustrating but this habbit is so deeply ingrained.

    Newman8888. Yeah I am starting a new chapter for sure. Becoming single at the ripe age of 49 wasn't something I planned or expected from life, but now as it is happening I'll try to adapt as well as possible. Change and letting go of the old is painfull but at the same time it is possibility for something new and fresh. Getting free from porn is a crucial to how the rest of my life will turn out. So you're absolotely right that I want to start a new chapter where porn hasn't got any role.

    Billy B. Your words mean a lot. It is good to hear that something in what I'm doing is helping you. My motto these days might be "why make a bad situation even worse with PMO".
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I want once again to remind you kindly just to give things a time. Maybe after things have settled a bit it could be different. Like your relationship with your father in law, theres not final word said to it right now. If you manage not to make this divorcing process too ugly, who knows? However it would end to be, you are right that escaping to addiction will not help a bit. You made the right choice of refraining from this harmful, faulty way of coping and should be proud of yourself! :cool:

    P.S. I truly like your nick in here, Oneway. :) Theres really just one good way where we should be heading.

    You are doing good even when going through a lot currently in your life. Keep up the good work and remember to appreciate yourself!
    Oneway and Billy B. like this.
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, man! Absolutely massive cred to you for making the choice once again not to try dulling the inevitable pain and disappointments with pmo.

    Yr on to it now. I'm excited to feel a part of your journey.
    Oneway likes this.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks guys.

    Yep, time will tell how the relation with my wifes father will turn out. This is not an ugly divorce. We have been able to agree on custody, financials and all the details ourselves. No lawyers. No particulary hard feelings. It is just two tired people who don't know any more how to live together letting go and hoping life has something better in store. I guess part of the divorce process is letting go of things. I need to let go from people that are my wifes relatives. I need to let go from seeing my daughters every day. I need to let go from certain financial comfort and many small things that you don't really appreciate until you loose them.

    16 days.

    Had some urges again but stayed clean. Was really tired the whole day as I forgot to take the sleep med that I'm using. Being tired makes everything seem (even more) gray for me and this whole divorce thing felt unreal at times. Like this is a bad dream and I will wake up soon.

    Into day 17 I go and plan is not to make bad situation worse with pmo.
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Oneway, good work for you to have another day clean!
    Remember, that there's no shame to pour out your heart in here, if you feel need of it. Why not to share your burden in this friendly community if there comes a moment that you feel overburdened by it all. You truly are going through a lot. I admire your inner strength and resilience. Keep it up, and it will surely make things better in long run. But try not to worry in advance, just focus to this current day.
    I want to truly believe we are all in here heading towards better life. One small step at time.
    Billy B. and Oneway like this.
  17. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Titan. Yes, one step at a time.

    17 days.

    Yesterday was the most difficult day yet during this streak. Went really close to relapse.

    In the afternoon I saw a news story which involved a reference to a music video which I right away knew had some content not good for me. Wrestled a while with myself and then made a bad decision. Actually it wasn't a decision but more like a response to an impulse. Anyhow went to youtube and looked up the video. Watched it for abt. 2 minutes and felt the dopamine rush and p-related pathways light up. That pretty mild video containing what might be called semi-nudity was porn to my brain. Then finally got to my senses and stopped. Did an urge surfing excercise and it helped a little. At least so much that I made the rest of the day at work without peeking and got home where my devices are filtered.

    Later in the evening I was feeling really strong pull to override the filter in my tablet. It takes some time but I was really considering it. Didn't do it though. Mainly because it would have included borrowing my older daughters laptop for the purpose. The second reason was that I knew that if I were to start a porn binge at that time, I would probably not go to sleep until 1-2 am. That again would make the next day at work really horrible because lack of sleep combined with the horrid feeling after relapse.

    Good thing is that I didn't override the filters, didn't watch porn and went to sleep at normal hours and now I am feeling fine. Still feeling the slight pull but I think I can manage it.

    One moment at a time.
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2017
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're already making better decisions. The further we get away from P the easier these decisions are. Proud of you!
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You surely were tempted and the weak moment caught you a bit. But it was good that you managed to stop it from escalating from there. I wouldn't consider this even being minor slip, because you did so well after that. You should be proud of yourself! :)

    Have you planned something ahead, if same kind of thing would happen again?

    Stay strong!
    Billy B. likes this.
  20. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    0 days.

    I failed. I need to take a break and find my motivation again.

Share This Page