My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    4 weeks.

    I has been a difficult couple of days. Been sleeping badly and feeling a bit depressed, empty. Enthusiasm of being clean just for the sake of it starting to wane. Some stubborn pull to fill the porn shaped empty hole in my brain. Don't want to do that. I want to see what's on the other side of this mountain.
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. I hear ya. I'm over 2 years clean and I still have days where I feel empty and down. It is more keen at the beginning of the reboot, though, and so we must take care of ourselves. The best interventions are the ones you already know. Take an amble around the block, sit in a park, garden if you can, etc. I find being outside connects me to the more positive side of myself.

    4 weeks is a wonderful start, a great beginning to a new life. :)
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  3. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    0 days

    Relapsed yesterday. Edged on porn for two and a half hours in the evening. Not feeling good about myself but trying to stay positive. I need to learn to bounce back from relapses and not let them develop into binge. So I'm trying to leave that failure back and see the positive side. I have watched porn only once last 29 days. That is 96% success. Planning to build on that.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
    Squire likes this.
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    This is the situation where to count the days does not reflect the real progress you made staying four weeks clean is a huge accomplishment like you said with your percentage number. Dont look at the 0 of your day count like you start again at the Point where you where four weeks ago. That is simply not the case. Every thought or distraction that is less harmful than P. is ok to use to not to go into a binge of relapses. You can do it. You proved it to yourself when you went for four weeks free.
    Squire, Oneway and dig deep like this.
  5. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Know how your feeling, as you know I was there a couple of days ago but your over all record shows great progress.
    well done on being honest and writing in your journal I that bit is hard but it's the best thing to do.
    Just look at what you did before you relapsed and learn from that and if you have a website blocker are there any more pages you could add?
    Squire and Oneway like this.
  6. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks guys.

    Relapsed again yesterday. Seems that something in me wants to do some serious self-sabotage.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I too have struggled lately with renewed urges. The addiction will always be there, for all of us. There is just some good times and bad times. This is about regulating and managing our thoughts and moods. Not easy task, but the more we try to stay observant and resilient, the more clean days we got. Its curious how we all know what poison P is, but still at times it feels like a prize. Something to use as "comfort" or as a "pleasant" distraction. Even that there is always something else and more better ways to reward ourselves in our time of need or want to relax a bit. But as we are humans, sometimes we err and as with a food, choose a delicacy that tastes sweet at first but in the end just fattens us over the more healthy choice. :(
    Oneway and Squire like this.
  8. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I know this feeling, some of my relapses have come after I have had a good day feeling good no anxiety other times its happened when I've been feeling down but mostly out of habit and boredom and I think the addict makes us feel bored.

    Do you have a porn blocker I really do recommend getting one if you don't have one,I think I would be relapsing every other day if I didn't have one. I use Qustodio but a lot of the others use K9.
    Oneway and Squire like this.
  9. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    I second what @dig deep says. I have begun to get traction against this addiction only after getting dead serious about blocking most of my internet access at my home computer. I switched over to Firefox and use Foxfilter and K9 and have blocked Google and all other search engines. I have given them each a complex password and keep it at work so I can't access it at home. I've blocked all web searches from my phone and only the most essential and harmless apps. It sounds horribly restrictive but oh man I finally feel free, not just from porn but from the overwhelming barrage of internet in general. Life starts to settle into a quieter, more peaceful routine. I have time to do things around the house and have become much more efficient at work. With YBR one of the only sites I can access at home, I come here more often and get tired of posting in my journal about myself, so I go on other people's journals and post about myself there. o_O

    Block block block block as much as you can from internet. Don't give yourself that escape-hatch from recovery.
    Oneway and dig deep like this.

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