My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    I think it's one of the main reasons why we turn to PMO. We typically do it to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions such as loneliness, boredom, stress, fear and rejection. PMO provides temporarily emotional fulfilment but the feelings afterwards produce the opposite effect (self loathing, helplessness etc). That's why it's so important to try to address the root causes. I'm currently looking at the way I handle rejection and seeing if I can change my associations with it.
    Oneway likes this.
  2. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thank you for your comments.

    The fear of rejection or failure I mentioned earlier is like a guiding principle in how I lead my life. I avoid putting myself into a situations where I could face rejection or fail in the eyes of others. I don't know why this is. I don't have any big childhood trauma that I know of or anything like that. I have just been like this as long as I can remember. I have different facades which I use among people, but essentially my behavior is to avoid situations where I am vulnerable or exposed to others.

    This all probably contributes to my addiction. Still my reasons on day to day level to choose watch porn appear quite superficial. Boredom, triggers, feeling angry, feeling bad, feeling good, feeling nothing, feeling horny.... I just get triggered and choose the instant pleasure. Sometimes I'm not even triggered that much but act on a weak thought. Just to feel good. There seems to be no specific pattern or mental state.
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I could write the same thing. We come from a generation of men who were emasculated early on. We learned survival techniques that helped when we were young, but once we left home no longer served any purpose. When one has poor coping skills they return to what they know, which in our case is retreat, which in turn powers us down. The way forward is through, imo, small actions, which it seems you are doing. :)

    Again, I could've written that about myself. Every reason and no reason was why I PMO'd. Now that I'm over two years clean I see it is just the addict always on the look out to get its dopamine fix. If the little demon can use our good mood to PMO then it will. If it finds us down, what better time to insist that we get our fix!

    Glad you're back and feeling strong on your journey.
    Oneway and Libertad like this.
  5. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    I have looked back my journey a bit. It has a clear pattern where I stay clean some weeks/months and then I'll have setback. Setback makes me discouraged and leads to further setbacks until I am back in the full addictive cycle seemingly out of control.

    When failing, my thinking is that all is lost and I'm back at point zero again. This mentality makes it easy to let myself succumb back into pmo-trap. I have never been able to just bounce back, but a relapse has always lead me to months and months of plodding in the porn swamp without being able to put together a decent clean streak. Here I've seen that also successful rebooters have slips, but they recover from them quickly. I think it is essential for my success to learn to do the same.

    Now I am not planning to slip, but I think it is important to think ahead if that should happen. Realistically the odds are that I will have a slip at some point. If that comes, I should be prepared to handle it better than I have so far. So that it will only be one bump in the road and not become a gorge that I will fall into.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    That is the weakness of counting days. It always feels like you are back to zero, because when counting them, you are back to zero! But the thing is, that is just the number. It will not measure up the progress what staying out of P use have given to us. It surely is way different if you relapse every other day or manage to stay clean for few weeks or even months. But I still fully understand your point, and actually have same kind of feelings after every relapse.
    This is something which should need a totally different perspective or maybe different way of measuring our management of this addiction.
  7. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    True. Day counter is misleading. You may have 500 clean days and one slip takes you back to zero. A percentage of clean days within a time period (a year?), might give more accurate picture of ones progress.

    Not counting days now ;) but I've been 3 weeks clean...

    Seems that the urges are back. I'm annoyed and relieved at the same time. Annoyed because it would have been sooo nice to ride from here to eternity without urges. Just see the clean days piling up effortlessly and become a legend cheered and admired among fellow travelers here :rolleyes::p. Relieved, because of the constant relapses before my current streak I started to question my ability to resist urges at all. I was a bit scared what would happen when they come back. Last evening showed that I can still resist. Urges came, I didn't act on them and then after a while they went away.
    dig deep, 40New30 and Saville like this.
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    In my experience long periods of being off PMO took my brain farther back to factory settings. A relapse or series of relapses takes you back, much less after long clean periods, though relapsing full blown for long enough would take someone back to zero.
    Oneway likes this.
  9. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    22 days.

    Checking in. Working from home today. Didn't sleep too well and feeling a bit hollow but interest to watch porn is practically zero. I know that could change in no time, so being cautious. Keeping the consequences of pmo fresh in mind. Thinking about the self damage I have inflicted with it. I won't continue doing that.
    Libertad likes this.
  10. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    This must be irony or something. Soon after my previous (quite confident appearing) post the most intense urge I've had during current streak hit me. I couldn't go away from the computer as I needed to work and have now several hours wrestled with the thought of looking at p.

    "Just a peek, one more time, you can start over tomorrow and blah-blah-blah"... Same thoughts over and over. Negative consequences I mentioned earlier seem so irrelevant when the urge is strong.

    Now, finally I have finished work for today. Haven't given in. Will close the computer now and go outside and do some house painting instead of spending the afternoon & evening wanking...
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Well done. One Minute at the time. Every hour free Counts. As Saville told me many times, trust the process.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Fantastic job, Oneway! :cool: Thumbs up for you, brother!
    Oneway likes this.
  13. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks for your support guys!

    23 days.

    Spent most of last evening scaraping off old paint and putting on new one. Walked my dogs, watched some tv and went to bed. My younger daughter also payed me a surprise visit. Even if she didn’t stay long we had a nice moment together. Had I pmoed earlier the day, I suspect the atmosphere would have been somewhat different.

    Going on a one night trip today. My older daughter is coming to take care of the dogs. Nice to get away from all the scraping and painting even if it is for one night only.
    Saville likes this.
  14. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    mastering the mental strength to switch of the computer and do some thing constructive is good sign of progress.Sitting and being meditated by the computer is so easy and very hard to pull yourself away from the screen.Being active and doing things any thing is so much more rewarding and makes you feel better about yourself,were as porn has the opposite effect.

    yes your right, and your daughter would have sensed some thing though she wouldn't know why, she would sense you were not fully there,but you were and had a nice moment:).
    Oneway and Saville like this.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    24. days

    @dig deep. Thank’s for the comment. I agree. The ability to resist urges and make rational choises that are actually good for us in the long term improves as we get further away from pmo. I think it has to do with the part of our brain responsible for making decisions gradually recovering from pmo-abuse.

    I am reaping some early benefits of not pmoing. It seems that it is easier for people to be around me (as it was with my daughter but also noticed this on other occasions) and they pay more attention to me. The difference is not big but still noticeable. Maybe it is the ’porn-perv’ aura dissipating.
    Saville and dig deep like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Aura is a good word for it. We give off a different energy when we're not in the throes of PMO. The differences are small, but these small things add up. As I've said many times, it is in the small things where we find the gold.
    Oneway likes this.
  17. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Had a long drive back from my trip yesterday. Got some flashes from the past. Thoughts and feelings of places and people that were part of my life when married. Felt wistful and nostalgic. Good memories. I miss some parts of my married life.

    I believe that because of constant pmoing after the divorce, I haven't given myself a chance to process the divorce and start the mental healing from it. Now 25 days post pmo, I think that's starting to happen.
    Saville and Libertad like this.
  18. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    This is good news and shows that the process is working and positive changes are happening.
    One thing porn does to us is that it take our focus away ,because the addict is a selfish beast and all focus goes on porn and the next fix even when were busy were still thinking of porn in some way.but by stopping pmo we start to focus on other things like health,our appearance,keeping our home tidy,hobbies and life etc and also repairing the damage porn has done to us mentally,physically,all the different relationships and so on.Keep going one way Oneway and things will get better.
    Saville, Libertad and Oneway like this.
  19. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    26 days.

    Brain fog has re-emerged. Not as bad as it was initially, but still not feeling so clear headed at the moment. A bit discouraging as I thought I've got rid of that bas##rd for good already. Feels like regression. It seems that the withdrawals come in waves. Well, actually I knew that from my previous attempts but had forgotten it. So just need to wait for this wave of fogginess to pass.

    I find myself being anxious to getting to some magical number of days where everything will be better. That is not good thinking. I need learn to live in the present and let the reboot take its course without actively thinking it so much.
    Libertad likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your spot on Oneway. I had brain fog, fatigue, and memory issues for quite awhile. Some days I would feel clear headed, only to feel foggy the next.

    Oh, yeah, this is key, my friend. :)
    Oneway and Libertad like this.

Share This Page