My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Yes, still sailing and carefully avoiding rocks...

    Thanks Billy!
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, it's a lie that the addiction has the power to keep us down forever. Get busy, oneway, doing the little things in your life. Taking care of the mundane, little by little, unravels the lies, destroys the habit.
    seebs75 and Oneway like this.
  3. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Saville. You're so right. Creating and following a healthy routine is so important. Doing stuff that needs to be done. It gives a good feeling that I'm not waisting my days for aimless slacking and gives extra boost for resisting the urges as well.

    4 days.

    Had a bit more difficult day yesterday. Some urges which I was fortunately able to resist. I think it all was because on one occasion earlier the day I didn't properly control my eyes. I shortly succumbed to ogling an attractive woman. That was all needed to trigger a strong urge which luckily didn't push me off the track this time.

    Just a good reminder how fragile the freedom is these early days.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes, for the first few months of my clean-streak I would deliberately avert my gaze whether that was at real life temptations, billboards, click bait or watching a movie or whatever. Thanks for the reminder: I've been watching Game of Thrones and NOT averting my gaze when perhaps it would be advisable to do so.

    I didn't realise about your separation, mate, having been outa the loop. That's hard work. I send you posi-vibes.
    40New30 and Oneway like this.
  5. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Billy. I think the only way to get forward is try not to make any compromises with the addiction. I have been sloppy and half hearted in this battle lately and it hasn't got me anywhere.

    5 days. Medium day. Some urges but not too difficult to resist them. During the day felt really good and condident and then not so in the evening.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep it going, oneway. :)
    Oneway likes this.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, man. We'll get there. One passing urge at a time. Every time we suceed on side-stepping the pit-falls, we get a little bit stronger.

    We can do it.
    Oneway likes this.
  8. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Saville and Billy.

    Day 0. Didn't do yesterday what I knew I should do. Result is I'm back to day 0.

    I hate this but I'm trying to bounce right back.
    Libertad, Billy B. and seebs75 like this.
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Chin up, forgive yourself...clear out the bad energy, and then be firm with yourself in your resolve to be clean. Peace. ("Hating this" it more power and energy.)
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Please do.

    He's right, you know.

    And, we're withya, Bro.

  11. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    My motivation to write here seems to be related to (my own perception of) how I'm doing. When I slip, I feel there is no point reporting my constant failures.

    I believe I can never stop trying to quit P. But the level of how hard I try seems to vary. I have to be 100% committed to get past first few weeks. Lately I haven't been that committed at all. Sloppy efforts and giving in much too easily.

    Still trying though...hoping for a miracle on day 4.
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Keep trying, man (good job)!

    I've just stepped off again, let's see if we can't get it together and move forward.

    Posi-vibes to ya, bloke.
  13. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Billy.

    Day 1. Slipped yesterday. At the moment it seems unbelievable that I managed to get a streak of 3 months clean last year.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yep, know that feeling. It is one that has pervaded much of my life. The inner -critic says "you see, you ARE a failure!" We feel embarrassed and so we use the tried and true mechanism that we learned when we were young: to hide. We have nothing to hide on this forum, though, my friend. We're all in the same boat, we're all at the same level. Come here every day, even if it is just to say "hey, I'm here."
    Libertad likes this.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    It's been a while. Gradually settling to my new life after divorce. Been living alone for a year now. My daughters are with me two days a week and its always nice to have some life in the house. I enjoy the time they are with me and feel that I'm connecting with them better than before the divorce.

    Otherwise I'm pretty much alone outside work. I have some friends but haven't felt like seeing them recently. Have also begun some renovation at my house which is quite time consuming. Maybe time to be more social will come later. Generally my situation is pretty good. Life is better (and simpler) without the burdens of dysfunctional relationship.

    Regarding pmo, it has been hard to find consistent motivation. I have used quite heavily last few months and as always it has done me no good. Been living with usual negative consequences: social anxiety, insomnia and numbness of feelings. I'm so used to those, that they feel like second nature. In addition a new one to me in form of slight ed has emerged.

    Recently things seem a bit better on pmo-front though as I'm 15 days clean. Not much tangible benefits yet. Having some withdrawals really kicking in a couple of days ago. Mainly brain fog and bad sleep that is slightly different/worse to my usual kind of bad sleep.

    In general it has been quite easy two weeks. Just have to be patient with withdrawals and not get obsessed with the day count. Staying clean today is what counts.
    Last edited: May 18, 2018
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  16. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    It goes beyond that. On the first page of your thread someone gave you this advice.

    I'll give you some unsolicited advice: start off by forgiving yourself. Let the past go - it's behind you and you can't change it, so there's no point worrying. (Also, porn addiction feeds on self-hatred and depression, so looking to the positive is the quickest way to get better.)

    Your next step should be to ask what you were hiding from when you were watching porn. What are you frightened of?

    Could be worth asking yourself these kind of questions to see if you can address the underlying issues. Easier said than done, but it's worth trying.

    Saville encouraged me to stay active on the forum, I'd urge you to do the same as it will help you focus consistently on the goal.
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  17. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks for you post Rapha. Surely not easy questions but I see the importance of them.

    I have never thought of my pmo as hiding from something, but if I look way back to the years when I started to use porn (magazines) they were kind of substitute for real girls. I have always been quite intimidated to approach the opposite sex in real life. Marriage of 27 years didn't change that. I am still afraid of being rejected. Not only by woman, but also in various other situations of life. So, in a way I’m choosing safety of porn over real life which has potential to lead me to situations where I am rejected.

    As it comes to forgiving myself, I think I have and also try to actively practice self-forgiveness. As a christian I begin each day assuring me that God has already forgiven me through Christ and thus I am kind of obligated to forgive myself also. On the other hand this all has made me to cling tighter to the core of my christian faith. Using porn or not, I see clearly that I have no change of saving myself.

    During the years porn has turned for me more from moral issue to practical addiction- and brain malfunction issue. There were times when I lived in constant spritual chrisis caused by relapses and was in chronic repentance attempting to make myself accepted by myself (and God also). That didn't do me any good. Nowadays I try not to blame myself too much and do self whipping anymore. Surely I am not 100% in this and naturally I get disappointed to my failings, but generally I try to be more gentle nowadays.

    Weekend went well. Spent most of the time painting my house. No major urges. Some brain fog and restless sleep, but in general feeling good. It is three more days to being 3 weeks clean.
    Last edited: May 21, 2018
  18. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    19 days.

    Feeling a bit depressed and disconnected at the moment. My daughters have been with me last two days, but the time I have spent with them is limited due to house painting and also the fact that they are in age (13 and 18) where spending time with your dad is not your highest priority.

    Yesterday I felt pretty good. Confident and happy. Now I'm sitting here at work and feel like a total outsider. These fluctuating feelings are part of the early reboot process I guess.

    Take care.
  19. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Yes, they have been in my case too. I know we should become aware of our feelings and pay attention to them, but I think we should start with this after the first few weeks, maybe months (90days or so). My mood and Feelings in the first few weeks have been all over the place and it would have driven me nuts to pay to much attention on how I felt back then. The Question from what feelings I want to escape while doing PMO and why and where they originated from was and is very usefull.
    I cant imagine how stressful it must have been going true your family changes over the last year. You are doing great.
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I like what both Rapha and Libertad have written. Post often (be active in your own recovery) and that feelings are going to bounce around like a super ball off of a square room.

    What a gift to have two lovely daughters and to be on your way to knowing yourself. :)
    Oneway and Libertad like this.

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