My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi all,

    Must start with apology. I am not native english speaker and not much of a writer even in my own language, so I ask you to bare with me and my written expression. I am also a man of few words by nature and that transfers to my writings.

    Before registering I have read quite a lot of the journals here on 40+ section. I have enjoyed the humor, eloguent texts (some men here are really intelligent and excellent writers) and the insights. I have registered for one reason only. I want to quit watching porn and masturbating. I have been a member on another forum similar to this, but the discussion there has pretty much dried up recently. I have noticed that being part of community, writing regularly and getting feedback helps me staying motivated and focused in this fight.

    I am 48 years old. Married and have two children. My affair with porn is quite typical I quess. Started to MO at age of 10-11 with occasional lingerie adds and tv-shows. Moving to teenage years with porn magazines and videos to ïmprove my MO-experience. Since 1995 have been using internet to get porn. First pictures but last 10+ years with high speed connections mostly videos. Never had any affairs with real persons or anything like that. Just porn.

    'Just porn' has been enough to lead my marriage to a state of being such in name only. It is a sexless relationship where we take care of our children and try to stay out of each others way for the most of time. I have preferred pixels to my wife and my constant porn usage have lead me to loose interest in sex (with her). Fantasies about sex with other women have been constantly in my mind though.

    I'm not sure what has kept us together all these years. Children? Yes, partly. Faith? Probably. Plain stubborness? Definitely. Being scared of making the decision about divorce? Absolutely. Have fantasised about divorce and everything getting better. Me getting free (to go after all those hot babes in the world just awaiting for ME...), but I know it is just addiction talking.

    Recently we have for the first time discussed the possibility of a divorce. Decided that a decision about the future will be made in the beginning of next year. Now that real possibility of divorce is brought up I'm not fantasising any more. Now I am scared and confused. I don't know what I want. What is best for me, for the children, for her... My feelings seem to be all over the place and I'm quite sure that jacking off and PMO binges don't help me think clearer either...

    So here I am. On day 26 of no porn, no masturbation, no edging, no peeking, no ogling, no nothing. Sexual stimulation kept at minimum as far as it is my choice. This is one of the logest periods I have been able to go without porn ever and it hasn't been easy. But I am motivated and actually desperate to get free. Seems that real life that I have been muffling with PMO blanket finally caught up with me. Now I need to deal with it.
     
  2. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Oneway, it's almost frightening to read your post because it could have been me.

    I lived in the basement. I shunned all physical contact with my wife. I wanted her to leave me but didn't have the guts to instigate things myself. I despised her because she wasn't a hotty like I'd binge watch online.

    At the same time as my marriage was collapsing I was on a final warning at work because of my attitude. When you are a porn addict you think everyone is about to discover you, so you tend to get your retaliation in first.

    But here's the good news: I got it all back. And what I found was that (1) the problem was all me, and (2) people forgive and forget and you can re-build things.

    Porn warps your thinking. First you have to stop watching, and after a while you will stop thinking porn. Then you get your life back. You begin to feel positive and the whole universe becomes a hopeful place.

    So welcome to the forum. This is where people come to get better.

    I'll give you some unsolicited advice: start off by forgiving yourself. Let the past go - it's behind you and you can't change it, so there's no point worrying. (Also, porn addiction feeds on self-hatred and depression, so looking to the positive is the quickest way to get better.)

    Your next step should be to ask what you were hiding from when you were watching porn. What are you frightened of?

    The first step towards healing is admitting you hurt.
     
  3. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Oneway, these threads have been a lifesaver for me and still are, both reading and writing. I admire your 'hardmode' decision. Keep at it and your life will change for the better, it will be very difficult at times and very soon you will be amazed. :)
     
  4. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome guys. I appreciate alot.

    @Wabi-Sabi. Porn surely warps my thinking. I probably even don't understand how much it does so. For sure it has deeply affected my expectations of how the opposite sex should look. Then, when the reality in marriage doesn't meet with those expectations, I'll isolate and run dissapointed to PMO and further enforce my twisted view of women. I am obsessed with the surface and it seems to rule over everything else.

    At the moment I am scared that I have messed how I view women for good. That I will never be able to look at my wife the way I want to/should. After all 30+ years of porn conditioning goes pretty deep.

    I think the older we get, we should be able to look beyond the surface of our wifes. When couples grow old together, they also naturally grow to accept the physical changes in their partners. At least, it seems to me this is how it should be. PMO totally messes that process up, specially in men. And specially in me.

    @bobjes. I'm rarely admired these days, so I'll take it :)

    For me the 'hard-mode' seems also to be the easiest mode. I have never been able to masturbate without relapsing back to porn in a matter of hours or days. Masturbation is so heavily linked to watching porn in my brain that when done w/o porn it creates incredibly strong cravings to PMO afterwards. I've also figured that avoiding all sexual stimulation (including fantasies, ogling and even the mildest p-subs) will give my brain the best chance of healing.

    Again thanks for your replies.
     
  5. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    27 days clean. Generally it is easy days but once and a while I get these urges. They are like cramps in my brain appearing and disappearing.

    Yesterday I got a couple of those. This time they seem to be related to getting attention from the female sex. I was visiting gym at the local spa and after training I went for a swim in the pool located in the same facility. I noticed a couple of ladies by the pool maybe in their mid 30's taking second and even third looks at me. I don't know about their motives, but I'm pretty sure there was nothing extra hanging from my swimming gear..so I acted cool (at least would like to think I did...) and kept my eyes in control, but this was all it took to get my mind racing.

    Later in the evening a strong urge to masturbate came. It would have been a PMO urge also if that was possible. Luckily it was not possible as I have resticted my access to internet heavily for now. Anyhow the urge to mb and fantasize about the ladies in the spa was quite strong. It came suddenly and after a while went away as quickly. Like a cramp.

    Nowadays I am pretty effective in avoiding anything triggering as far as it is in my power to do so. Life, however has a tendency to bring surprises for which I can't prepare. Happy I managed to dodge the arrow this time. I quess it doesn't help to worry about the next one either.
     
  6. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    28 days. Learning not to negotiate with the addiction.

    My relapses often start the same.

    I begin to make small compromises. I allow myself a little peek here and there. I look up for something having objectifying eyeglasses on. I consiously allow myself a look at or fantasy about something innocent on the surface but still deep down motivated by lust. This is where it starts from and in time of hours or days the compromises accumulate into full blown porn mindset where the only option is to watch porn. I think it is also possible to remain in porn mode for a long time without actually watching porn because of no access or whatever... Then when the opprtunity comes...well.

    Better to stay out of the danger zone.
     
  7. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks devnull. A month without porn is something I have achieved only 2 times before during 9 years I've tried to quit. So for me it is big.

    For some reason I felt down the whole day 29. Felt scared that I will not succeed to get free from porn and felt scrared that I will get free and nothing in my life actually changes. At one point this whole process felt empty and pointless. Some urges to fill the void with P.
     
  8. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    You said it devnull. A big part of my motivation to quit is exactly this. To change for the better and become a man that doesn't hide from life. For sure the change will be a slow and unsteady process but I am committed.

    Day 30. Trough the one month barrier! This is only the 3rd time in my life since starting with MO and P I have gone a whole month without relapsing.

    Otherwise the day was not easy. Had an argument with the wife, which led me feeling very unfairly treated. Being angry and dissapointed led PMO-urge to raise its ugly head. I just ignored it and it went by. It seems that resisting urges gets a little easier in time. Anyhow the current situation in my marriage feels like the main thing contributing a lot of negative feelings these days.
     
  9. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Yes it does. The longer you go without giving in to your addiction the more control your neocortex regains. Urges are still dangerous, but they are not as frequent and compelling as before.
     
  10. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Hi Oneway and Congratulations on 30 days. The situation in your marriage sounds tough and not something I could say anything about except for the fact that indulging in escapism ( whether P or MO ) is not ever going to help. The challenges that we face are pretty much the same and my experience is that the more wrapped up in myself I am the more likely that I will relapse. posting here and trying to give help or comfort to others is a great way to move forward . Someone recently told me that there are no new problems and that somewhere at sometime someone else has faced what we are facing. knowing that makes me feel a lot less important and special. we are all struggling and with patience , kindness and courage we can arrive at the same place.
     
  11. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thank you for your comments and support Webdeveloper, devnull and Endeavour!

    PMO for sure is my escape mechanism from life. I've seen it last couple of days as there has been some emotional stress. This has caused considerable PMO-urges to rise.

    I feel I am just getting started. I think it is mentioned somewhere, that for many the primary withdrawals start to ease off after 60 days or so. I am still very much experiencing what I think is the chemical turmoil when my brain slowly balances towards existance without PMO. Brain-fog, depression, bad sleep, anxiety, etc, etc appear and dissappear. As many have said, this isn't a linear process of each consecutive day being better. Certainly for me it is not.

    In the past I had maybe too high expectations. Hoping to get much better really soon. Thought that just staying off PMO will cure me (and my life) in a couple of weeks or months. It may be discouraging when it doesn't happen and when drawbacks occur. Now I see it is unrealistic to expect the effects of 30+ years of PMO to clear off in a couple of months.

    For sure, I believe couple of months clean makes a big difference and I hope to get there and beyond, but even after that there probably is still a long way to go. I expect this to be a loooong process...

    Anyhow, already after only a month clean I am in a better place. Nothing has changed in my life circumstances but regardless I feel hope growing and slight improvements in many things. I am sure there is much more to come.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  12. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Day 32: Haven't been sleeping too well lately and the marital issues have made me feel down. My brain is regularly offering me PMO as a way to feel better. However it is quite easy to say no these days and make a choice that is actually good for me in the long run. Just taking those bad feelings as they are. They can't kill me.

    Don't want to hide from life behind PMO any more.
     
  13. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Day 33: Better sleep and better mood. Constantly getting PMO-urges. Contrary to what I wrote before, at times I felt that it would be easy to follow a sudden impulse. Glad I have the restrictions in place. At some point I probably need to take off the training wheels, but I'm certainly not there yet.

    Have a good day everyone!
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2016
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The brain is so amazing. No matter what age we are it can spring back to a natural condition. I now love my wife's body and making love to her. I love her saggy tits and her soft tummy where she has stretch marks because of giving birth to our kids. Things I used to find disgusting in her I now find endearing. How's that for a turn around?

    I honestly didn't see how my marriage would ever be of any use to me. I actively despised my wife and she me. Wonderful things are in store for you Oneway. You've already made a great commitment to yourself. Remember, it is about getting healthy for ourselves, not anyone else. We change and then the world around us does. It is OUR positive energy that reclaims lost love.
     
    seebs75 likes this.
  15. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    A good day to you too Oneway. :)

    Keep at it brother, good things are just around the corner. It was not easy between days 30 and 70 for me. And now 3.5 months in I sometimes still need my training wheels... The positive momentum is still growing and the changes inside and around me are amazing, the setbacks less and easier to deal with.
     
  16. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Oneway, no matter how your life unfolds you will be better off without PMO. Once you are truly in recovery the world will respond to you and you are more apt to obtain what is truly best for you.
     
  17. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement guys. I really appreciate it! :)

    @Saville. It is truly amazing turnaround that has happened in your marriage. Time will tell what will happen in mine. Whatever it will be, I certainly am able to face it better without porn in my life.

    Day 35: Urge turnaround. Last two days have been practically urge free. On day 35 I don't remember even thinking of porn, not once. I was busy the most of the day, but still...that is quite unbelievable. It is something that hasn't happened for me...like ever.
     
  18. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Day 36: Another day getting further away from PMO. Very grateful for that. Urges seem to have stepped aside for the time being.

    Feeling stress caused by the big decisions waiting in the future. At the moment it seems that my marriage is drifting towards separation and divorce. I have no energy or will to do anything to try to change that and make the final effort to fix things up.

    Feeling guilty about the lack of will.

    At times I feel bad and scared about the future and then calm and hopefull the next moment. Go figure.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, whichever way things go with you and your wife it will be infinitely better without PMO. I wouldn't feel guilty about your lack of will. You are doing your life for you, not for your spouse. Do you still love your wife? I don't mean are you gaga over her or find her out. I found that I never really stopped loving my wife, in spite of that fact that she could be a colossal biznatch. She still can be, but I don't engage with her on that level anymore. Yes, honey, sure honey, stuff a sock up your twat honey. :D I found out that my cheating, my P use, was my own unhappiness. If you still love her all the energy you can muster will be worth it. Nothing is worse than just letting things slide and having the decision taken out of our hands.

    36 days in the bank, bro'! That's something to feel really good about.
     
  20. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Saville, thanks for writing in. Honestly I don't know if I love her. Love seems like a too big word for me right now. 30+ years of p-addiction has taken its toll on my ability to love. I am hoping that in time, being free from porn, I will discover the true feelings (if any) I have towards her. Just feel that I'm running out of time at the moment.

    I know that the thought of not growing old together doesn't make me happy. We have been together over 27 years and the idea of her not being around makes me slightly anxious...Then again, it might be only my fear of things changing. I appreciate many things she does. How she makes our home feel like home and communicates with our two daughters...How's that for love...:confused:

    Day 38: Not much to report these days. Bad sleep and anxiety are constant companions. On the good side I have started to have these moments of calmness and clarity which I never have before.
     

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