(This thread is for me to write down my thoughts and experiences throughout my journey to recovery. You are more than welcome to comment on things if you wish, feel free to read it if you wish, however, I intend to use this as my journal for all to read. There isn't lock or nor is it a hidden secret thoughts journal. It's open for all to see who are going through the same thing. I hope this helps others the same ways it's helping me.) So I had my first group therapy last night, including me, there were 6 participants. It was a very comfortable atmosphere. I was the newbie, but when it came my turn to speak and answer questions I never felt pressured or out of place. Now, this meeting was court ordered for everyone there, I was the only one who took preventative measures. The guys in there did things, physical things which landed them in prison. I'm saying this because Pornography use develops and gets worse over time. The "normal" stuff just doesn't do it anymore for some people. Sooner or later, pornography becomes something other than a perversion. It becomes this drug for some people. Studies have shown a porn user and a heroin users brains are the same under a CT scan, the dopamine levels are the same. The reward center reacts the same as heroin!! Heroin is one of, if not the most addictive substance that I know of. I've seen my brother lose so much over this choice of drugs. Little did I know, I was participating in the digital form of heroin. I'm so glad I decided to do research on my own and seek help for this. Education is power and another tool we can use to defeat this horrible addiction.
Tonight I'm starting my assignments for next Monday. The topic is "The Four Poisons". "Urges,Anger, Denial and Twisted Thinking". I've learned a good bit from it, to develop empathy. I've started the coping skills before therapy, how to resist the urges. I feel myself wanting the touch of a real woman again, I haven't felt that desire in years. My poor wife was the one who suffered because of my selfish acts. She deserved better from me. Maybe we'd still be together as a family. Maybe I would have fallen back in love with her, or never fell out of love with her. Who knows? Porn ruined it all, porn is my enemy. Middle finger to porn!!
I've been having dreams of my ex-wife. I try to talk to her and explain what I was going through. During our conversations she doesn't want to even begin to listen or give me a chance. She's so stubborn and unwilling to forgive in the dream and in real life. Once her mind is made up there is no convincing her otherwise. Her whole family is this way. During the dream, I'm able to get my opinions out and the facts of my life but she ignores me. (End of Dream). Why can she be an alcoholic and see that as being ok? Her behavior can be seen by our children which causes more harm than I ever have. My behavior was kept a secret and harmed no one. They never knew anything about my addiction. My oldest (9yo) tells me "mom passed out last night", "she sits outside all day and drinks stupid wine". This is causing more damage to our children than she realizes. I wish I could open her eyes and let her see what she's doing. I'm taking massive steps in my progress and moving towards a better and healthier me. She is getting worse and keeps digging a deeper hole she may never be able to get out of.
Here we fricken go again, the thoughts of wanting to watch porn entered my mind again today. I didn't give in so that's a win. I don't want to watch that shit anymore, nor look at pictures. I had serious thoughts of masturbation also, again I didn't do it but man these damn thoughts!!! I try anything to change it. I went to the gym twice, took my Jeep in the trials for almost 2 hours, came home and played on the Playstation with my son, and now I'm here to occupy my time productively. Writing helps a lot. I just have to last til I fall asleep and it's another day of victory. One step closer to beating this. I won't quit. Love beats Porn.
Phew, today was tough. I had thoughts of just wanting to lookup P (though I can't because of a porn blocker) and M. I really don't want to look at porn so my mind went to the "just masturbate" part. I fought like hell and so far so good. Some days are tougher than others, some days the thought never enters my mind. I usually get out of the house and go take the Jeep out in the trails or just ride around. That's starting to get expensive so I need to do something else. I need a job. I'm hopeful this week I'll receive a call back from the interviews last week. I'll call those companies back anyways just to show that I'm still interested in the job/s. Two very good leads and interviews. One of the interviews lasted one full hour. This is the one I really want too. So much more to talk about but that involves getting my children back among other things. First things first, secure a job then take the devil back to court.
Ruined/MyLife I think we are at similar stages I'm on day 10 you day 9 and from what write very similar cravings. IStriking stuff in your posts. I didn't know about the scans of heroin users brains and porn addicts being very similar. Crumbs what a mountain we have to climb! Still this forum is the place to to do it. Good luck with the job hunting. All best, Tom
welcome my brother. we are on the same road. here to help each other. this forum is like one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread. hang in there.
It obviously harmed you, right? And, it also harms the family unit in ways we can even see. You're doing great RML. Keep journaling and keeping up the good fight.
The interviews went good but one place hired someone and the other I can't even get in touch with them. I was thinking of popping up and just saying thanks again and see if they filled the position. I eventually went to a labor finding place and I got a job that night. It's tough but it's something ya know. The hours are brutal, 6p-6a, six days a week. Lots of overtime but man, I haven't done labor like this in 15 years! Lol, it's OK though. I'm thankful I have something.
It did harm me and my family. I no longer see my kids like I want, the ex wife is in full control of everything. What I meant by my comment was this, I never hurt anyone physically with my porn addiction. My issues went really deep and I looked at things I regret big time. It isn't who I am, it was my curiosity that killed the cat so to speak. I ventured in to a world I never should have. It made me ill just knowing that type of stuff was out there, but once I clicked on it, it was too late. Months or even a full year went by and I made that choice to find it again. I'd spend hours upon hours viewing porn, all sorts of it and collecting it. It didn't matter to me what kind, it was porn so I hoarded it. I never went down the rape, necrophilia, beastiality, torture or anything. I liked pictures, old and young. I hate what I did and where I was in my mind at that time. I look back and I had everything I wanted but I was unhappy. Now I know it was my porn addiction that was making me unhappy. I was battling something inside I had no idea was there until it was too late. I hurt everyday from my decisions, my kids missing me, my ex wives family have shut me off and have no desire to even hear my side of the story. The ex tells her story, says things that aren't true to her family, friends and all over Facebook and I can't even explain myself. I have a long road ahead of me, but as long as I can see my kids every once in a while we can still maintain that bond. That's what matters to me, seeing them and continuing to better myself. I want to get back to that person I was before I found porn. Porn should be illegal, all of it. Consenting adults also, that shit ruins lives and tears families apart.
Ruined, for me porn is a cancer that has invaded my brain. i used to think it was a victimless crime, that it only affected me, i was very wrong. with my PIED it affects intimacy with my wife. and i don't just mean the physical part. also my little "secret" affects my self-esteem. i find it hard to look people in the eye at work, family, friends. if they only knew the degenerate person i have become is a recurring theme in my head. all the hours wasted on the internet engrossed in this filth could be put to constructive use. yet i keep doing it. why? there in lies the rub. like the badger i will keep fighting till death. hang in there. praying for you.
Porn IS a cancer!! It's such a difficult subject for anyone to discuss. When I discuss it with others, I get that look like I'm some pervert. I was but that was the old me. If I were to say I was addicted to crack, they would look at me with congratulatory eyes since I'm recovering. But porn is so taboo to mainstream society. They are so uneducated on the topic and unaware there is an addiction to this. Congress, states, governors or whoever need to make this more known. It's been adopted by the American Psychological Association as an addiction but the law makers are behind the curve on this one. People who view porn may venture in to a world they never thought possible and can spend a decade behind bars, all because of pornography. If it was a drug addict robbing a store, they'd get probation and can stay with their families. Not the porn addict tho, they are shunned forever. I haven't been here in a while because I've been busy with work, working on my Jeep and hitting the trails. I came to say I'm good. The urges are much less now, I still think about M but the P is impossible. I can't even watch it if I wanted to because of the software installed on my devices. The best $16/month I've ever spent. I want a woman to love, hold, appreciate, take care of, give her my attention, someone to talk to, understands me and wants to listen to me without judging me. We all make mistakes and regret them dearly, I know I do. When I got arrested, the switch turned off. No more porn, ever again. To me porn was porn, no matter the subject. If it involved nudity and a specific looking vagina, I'd keep it and save it. That's what I looked at, the private area, not the woman or girl in the photo. I didn't care about age, young or old, if it was the shape I liked I kept it and collected it. I hoarded that shit and always wanted to find more. When I found a picture I liked, I'd search to no end to find every picture she ever made. Beginning of her career to the newest photo shoot. F man, now I feel so stupid for being there, my mind was so warped. Now I'm 180 degrees turned from it. I'm happy where I'm at with myself and my two kids. That's all I need in my life, a job, place to live and my two babies. Anyone else can go f off if they want to judge me, they have no clue what it was like where I was.
