My NoFap Journal 5000-Pro™

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. finallyfaund

    finallyfaund New Member

    I got bad depression at around that time. Keep pushing through and maybe youll have joy next week like i did.
  2. Thanks fellas - i think i'm flat-lining once more and man is it a pain in the ass to have to contend with. ITs so lame how PMO suddenly doesn't seem "so bad after all" in moments like this, but like Meta says, its a wolf in sheep's clothing.

    Day 38

    Mood: 5/10

    Slight improvement, though nothing particularly noteworthy. Libido is still down, and consequently, so is my urge to really want to communicate/interact with anyone. Grrrrr.

    I have a problem in that my old PC has crashed, and am now using another sans Porno blocker - this is really testing my willpower man. So far i have managed to hold up, but i guess i will sooner or later see how firm my resolution is to see this no PMO thing through to the end. I must fight and keep fighting.
  3. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    You seem like an intelligent and funny guy. I'm about at the same place as you (35).
    The lonliness feelings are rough and they may depress you. On the other hand, you're will power in this struggle is admirable and should be uplifting (when viewed rationally).
    I'm including this "snapshot" of my ordeal and you might like the part about what the porn "starlets" are really like.

    I'm new to this and I think I started a journal but I'm not very computer savvy.
    So here is what I posted if you feel like reading it.
    I am on day 35 of reboot and I want to thank you for making this site available. I intend on using this as a tool, among others, in getting free of porn addiction.
    My low point where I knew I needed to change came after 35 years (I'm 52), and luckily, before I became crippled for ever. For that I am thankful. The long spiral of my addiction stimuli is classic textbook for men my age. I'll recount later if I feel like it.
    I hope my experience helps others get through this difficult process. Primarily, though, I'm here to heal myself through the catharsis of acknowledging my downward path and shame.
    Turn around is fair play. So I decided enlist the internet, which had been my enemy, as an ally. This is a great tool and the healing material is just as easy to access as porn. (And I don't have to spend half of my day removing viruses from my computer.)
    I started out educating myself about porn addiction. This included the social, psychological, biological, chemical, and spiritual factors. Attaining this knowledge was an important element for me.
    Next I started visiting sites that explained the healing process because I knew I needed hope after so much despair had become ingrained in me. Others going through the same ordeal successfully, and pros like you, have let me know that inner health is possible.
    I made some concrete changes in my life. To relieve some loneliness I bought a dog, became active in my synagogue, joined a town committee, went on a legitimate dating site and joined a gym. Now I have a lover and I'm even getting in shape. (These didn't stop my wanking to porn.)
    Inadvertently I discovered another tool--the emotions of disgust and compassion. Exploring the world of porn itself was an eye opening process. The "starlets" are usually desperate, dumb, children when they are convinced they can make some easy money then get out. The actresses and directors reveal hideous common practices including intimidation, rape, violence, disease, drugs, and scars that estrange them from future normal relationships and their families. On the other side the advocates of porn cite freedom of speech and the use of porn as a "marital aid". Both rationales I found false and disengenuous. Further many of the "starlets" aren't even nice people, never mind someone you'd like to wake up with.
    I have adopted spiritual practices of prayer and meditation. I'm not a preacher and the concepts of sin and repentance didn't help me. But spiritual practice is critical for me and, again, the tools to gain these skills are free and available on the internet.
    Finally, I found this site and it helps provide new tools, especially support. Anonymity too can be a friend. The site helps me prepare for what is coming next in this difficult process and I don't feel so lonely or ashamed because others are doing it too.

    I congratulate you on your achievement and on keeping this thread going.
    I have a question re PMO? Do you think not having an orgasm is critical?
    I'm in a new loving relationship, albeit long distance, and I get to have sex about every other weekend. We both love it. I don't want to prolong my recovery and yet I don't want to jeopardize what may be a jewel of a relationship.
    I'm not playing tapes in my head when we're doing it. We haven't had phone or email sex (which is a very tempting trigger for me.)
    This did get me very close to some trouble though. I googled "kama sutra" and emailed the links to her so we could experiment w/ new positions. The trouble was that it was a porn site and I kicked back into the old mode. Luckily I got off before I wanked and I've kept it clean ever since.
    So what about the "O" component?
  4. Thanks for the supportive post GettingThere.

    Quite frankly, during my time of PMO, i never really considered the circumstantial nature of the business for the women involved in it.

    I mean, isn't that why porn is addictive? You watch it for its fantasy, not its reality. You imagine "Wow, i'm the dude about to plough that tall, big titty blonde milf in 5 inch pumps that's just gagging for it" not "Hmmm, i wonder if she's resolved her long standing daddy-issues?". This is part of the problem for most of us now - distinguishing between what is real and what is fantasy i.e that women don't walk around in 5inch pumps expecting to be creampied by 12 weird looking dudes (at least, where i live they don't :()

    Day 39

    Mood: 3/10

    What a goddamn lousy day.

    Since last night, I have been battling persistent thoughts of PMO and call girls all day long and i am absolutely spent. Mentally, i feel down at the lowest wrung of the ladder and i honestly don't know how i am going to sustain another 60 days of this stuff - it just keeps coming and coming and never stops. The only thing that keeps me going at this stage is the thought of throwing this all away for nothing; that i will have lost. But even so, even if i do "win" at No-Fap, what will i have honestly won? Great - I didn't jerk off for 100 Days but that still won't change the fact that i am stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no social outlet. I try so hard to fit in with people in this area, but i still feel like an outsider, that i don't belong and that frustration really drives a huge nail into my heart. God, what i wouldn't give to find someone to simply converse with, someone whom i can relate to - not necessarily female; hell, anyone.
  5. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    You've wounded the beast, and it's lashing out.

    Stay strong. It will get better.
  6. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    I'm on day 36 so going through some stuff you are.
    I say to myself "why bother? Your life's a big train-wreck anyway and not wanking isn't going to change that."
    Then to help myself I draw up a vivid image I have had of myself on porn in 20 years. I'd be alone, pathetic, ugly, stupid,
    poor, frustrated, and probably unable to get a hottie to look at me. It's because of that image that I'm writing you now.

    I'm trying not to piss and moan about how hard this is for me. I went out to eat in a restaurant about an hour ago. The waitress was cute and I said, "It probably doesn't feel too bad to have a nice guy try to flirt with you in a polite, respectful way does it?" She gave me a big smile and when she brought my check she said she brought me an "extra mint".

    The point of that true story is that 36 days ago I would have felt and, consequently, appeared sleazy by flirting with her. On the contrary today it felt great and who knows what would happen if I ask her out. So, it is an epiphany for me that we are changing in subtle ways for the better even though we don't realize it.
  7. I'm fighting spin, I'm fighting.

    But like getting rid of a mooching deadbeat that does nothing for you but drag you down and drink your beer, this addiction just does not want to go gently into that good night. I guess i need to show his ass some tough love ;)

    That was inspiring man Getting. Yes simple things like flirting and feeling some sense of connection with others is a critical aspect of recovery; it provides impetus and more importantly hope to the addict.

    In the darkest depths of depression though, its hard to keep your eyes on what really matters - freeing yourself from the clutches of this dreadful addiction and hoping that after the hell of letting go, there'll come a Valhalla of sorts, where copious lakes of self confidence will slake the thirst of clowns like me who for so long have wondered what the key to happiness was. And who would have guessed that it be something so foolish as stopping fapping, and that it would come at such a torrid price?

    Eh, for a sense of perspective, sometimes i read about folks throughout history who have had to survive wars, famines, plagues etc - those were real problems, real life threatening predicaments. Reading their tombstones is inspiring - in a sense some died fighting for what they believed in. Personally, I want something epic written on mine one day; that i died living life to its full, not that i died from jerking off too much.
  8. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    Approaching 6 weeks. Nice work. I don't relate to your emotions much but I'm only 17 days in or so. Mainly I've just been flatlining since the first week. Which is scary but at the same time helpful because I have no Pmo urges.

    Anyways. Keep at it. You know after your last relapse that going back to that world is leading you nowhere.
  9. Thanks Dark - i was reading your blog earlier too man.

    Yeah one has to be ever vigilant with this addiction. As people have mentioned previously, a reboot isn't linear. Some weeks will seem amazing and easy, others will put a shoe up your ass. In any case, the only way to get over this, is to just do it, and get it over with.

    Day 40

    Mood: 5/10

    Well today was a slight improvement. Last night was truly a difficult night both in terms of dealing with my depression and in terms of resisting PMO, but, i did it, so fuck you PMO - i won this round - Again. As a result, today i feel exhausted and drained. Libido-wise, i have had zero urge to check out any porn or escort websites, crack a boner etc and thankfully so.

    Otherwise, as the mood indicator suggests, today was nothing particularly amazing. In gym i decided to use my inner anguish to help me push harder, and what do you know? I surprised myself by surpassing my old bests. I tried to muster up the stamina to chat to the women at gym - a few Ciaos here and there, but i just didn't have the energy to flirt. Oh well, i must keep trying.

    This afternoon i went to an old 15th century church to spend sometime in thought and reflection. Amazing how sitting in a cold, silent place surrounded by works of art can put your thoughts into perspective - no music, TV, distractions to help hide yourself from yourself. I want to do it again. In these last few weeks i have really felt helpless against this onslaught and i have been praying and thinking alot, asking God for help. Well surprise surprise today i got an answer from one - i ran into a guy i met here 3 months ago, and we got to chatting (in English) and it really gave me the boost i was looking for - being able to chat and joke with someone without stumbling over words or phrases etc. Thank you Big Man.

    For any of you out there who do read this blog and sometimes feel despair and hopelessness whilst going through this whole ordeal, here is a prayer i found that helped me alot (Yes i know, ironic that a guy called fapSock should be posting prayers, but anyway):

    Dear Lord, during this trial,
    I offer up to you my confusion
    Give me clarity
    I offer up to you my despair
    Give me hope
    I offer up to you my weakness
    Give me strength
    I offer up to you my pettiness
    Give me generosity of spirit.
    I offer up to you all my
    Negative thoughts from Satan
    So that when he asks ‘Where is Your God now?”
    I may respond “Right here with me, giving me His grace
    As a Heavenly beam of light penetrating your darkness!"
  10. Ben

    Ben New Member

    Thanks for posting this little gem. It gives me increased hope for my future.
  11. Glad to hear that Ben. :)

    Day 41

    Mood: 5/10

    Things have improved a little bit: general mood is less shitty than in the last few days, and libido has returned (a little) though my adventurousness has remained fairly low.

    With the seriously lame weather here(so much for spring time), its been difficult to get out and about, so i suppose that may have added to the gloominess. As such i have had to take drastic measures once more - reinstalled K9 and set it to anal-retentive mode. I don't really like doing this as i then end up inadvertently relying on it instead of using my own willpower to resist. The thing is, i don't trust myself, at least not now. So many times in the past it has come down to this - me loosening my grip and then suddenly losing it all.

    Anyway i am reaching breaking point once more and its driving me nuts. Being cooped up here i find it harder and harder to resist escort ads, and well, today, whilst surfing i inadvertently found out some Hungarian chick i had a huge amount of pronz for, is on tour here in Italy. I closed my browser before it became too late. Man, i tell you, FapSatan is really pushing me to my limits.

    I don't want to go that route. It would be a release, but ultimately i would simply be living in a fantasy world all over again, and i would then end up becoming an addict to that instead of sucking it up and going out to find me a real woman. For God's sakes why does this all seem like such a complicated task to me? Have i become so accustomed to being miserable and depressed that its now the only thing i know, and therefore willingly embrace?

    In my heart of hearts, i know i must conquer the real fear that i have here - being rejected again, but that sadly, involves opening myself up once more, and making myself vulnerable and I'm honestly not sure i am ready for that just yet. When i screwed up on Day 56 last time round, it was because i had tried hitting on a woman i was close with, only to be shot down, and that was the real trigger for my downfall. As such, i am in a quandary - do nothing and ride out the storm until i feel "recovered" and then venture out into the world of dating OR attempt to get out of this now, knowing the risks i incur.

    All you Casanovas/love experts, help a down-on-his-luck NoFap brother out here man.
  12. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    Rejection doesn't matter. Remember this. Some rejections are just a test. If you let it bother you, and believe me women can tell, you will get rejected again and again. If you don't care, things will start to happen. It's all about your frame of mind. So don't sweat it. Focus on the real issues. Getting rejected by women isn't one of them, everyone does. Rejection is actually a good thing. The more it happens, the less a big deal it becomes and the more confident you get. Doesn't sound logical I know, but women don't thin logically.
  13. Ballboy11

    Ballboy11 New Member

    I really disagree, If you're rejected 20 times in a row, and by a few that aren't that great looking even, that lowers your confidence and self esteem. Makes you fap to porn instead, where they don't reject you.
  14. Thanks guys; i appreciate your inputs.

    Its a tight line to walk i think. I agree though with Darkknight that you just have to go through it and use each experience as part of a learning curve, though like Ballboy mentions, there is the risk of getting rejected too often such that it destroys your self confidence and ultimately drags you down into the deep dark world of fapping.

    I think what i am going to do is get my habit under control i.e. complete the 100days to prove to myself that i have the self discipline to get this shit done, and to master my inner beast. Thereafter, i think i will have to reventure out into the world of online dating (My God just the thought of jumping through all those ridiculous hoops just to get a date or number makes me ill) whilst still attempting to find someone in real life.

    Guys i may end up needing your support for alot more than just NoFap in the end.
  15. Ballboy11

    Ballboy11 New Member

    No problem man we are all here to kill the same bird, and help in anyway we can. I'm here for you bro, keep it up your doing great. :)
  16. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Fap,
    I'm on day 40 and still riding the same "rollercoaster" as you. I think we're doing great just to even try this. I even thought, "this is really heroic", and something to feel proud about.
    Boy, I can say one thing for sure: I'm no expert on love. I could prove that in spades and I don't know what your triggers are Fap. (Shit, I just learned what "fap" is because I'm an old fogie (52) that says "jerk off". hahaha
    But really I went through the same dilemma of whether to keep a girl friend or go completely without orgasm. For me it was a no-brainner... orgasm= smiley face (I don't know how to make my computer do that.) But like I said I don't know your triggers.
    I really do believe in the power of prayer and I don't think it matters what you want to call your deity. It just works. It works on lots of levels.
    I had to see a physical therapist for some bursitis in my left hip. He was a cool guy and we talked a lot about Western vs Eastern models of healing and what "pain" really is objectively vs subjectively. (Some of this applies to our shared endeavor.)
    Man, my writing style has become very obtuse here and I apologise for that Fap.
    I broached an interesting subject. Since I look down on new-age touchy feely stuff like aroma-therapy, etc. etc., I maintained it is just a placebo effect. My mother gets acupuncture and she says it works.
    Then the therapist made a terrific point. So what if it is the placebo effect? It works! Same thing with prayer, meditation, love, etc., it just works. By the way that image of the old church you sat in is really vivid and moving.
    I'll share a dumb-sounding insight w/ you Fap. I just had a "profound revelation". I'm being facetious, because it is objectively pretty mundane. It is, nevertheless, a mile stone of sorts. " Hey...I'm a nice guy. " I had totally forgotten that little fact until I got well into this adventure.
    Good luck,
  17. Getting

    Thanks for your input man, and your thoughts on prayer. Yes it does work, but i think that God also helps those who help themselves i.e. you have to do the hard ground work and put in the 99.9% and if He reckons its fit, will add in the final 0.01% such that your goal becomes a reality. Of late though i have been struggling so much with focus and self control that its become my most dominant problem, and has been wreaking havoc with me emotionally and psychologically.

    It was this post in particular that put things into perspective for me about this whole problem of mine. Giving up porno isn't going to magically present me with a perfect woman - at the end of the day, i will still have to confront my fear of rejection and this, i feel, is my real problem (not to deny that i am a porno addict, that i admit, but in terms of gravity, the former problem is bigger than the latter) that has to be resolved simultaneously, and it can only be resolved when my social life improves. In essence i think all 3 of these issues have to be resolved at the same time - one doesn't lead to the other and to the next; rather they go hand in hand.


    Yes guys, I'm afraid the worst came to the worst today - i relapsed :(

    I can honestly say i fought my hardest against this beast but this afternoon, FapSatan and his evil minions overwhelmed a battle weary Castle FapSock, and yadayadayada i have had a shot of sweet dopamine and a massive dose of self loathing in the hours that followed. Shit.

    It came to a head last night - i got 1 hour's sleep and was awake at 3am until 7am with a huge boner and massively aching balls. Ordinarily i would have been able to handle it, but after 10 days of this depressive crap, i knew something somehow would have to give way. Either i became one of those nutjobs climbing clock towers with high-powered rifles, or i had a release. I hadn't intended to PMO, rather just MO, but in the heat of the moment, my addiction overwhelmed me and before i knew it, Youpron was onscreen, and that was it.

    Strangely enough, instead of a sense of guilt immediately afterwards, there was a sense of relief instead - not the dopamine rush, which is more ecstatic, though i could be wrong.

    2 chaser effects to boot.

    Tonight i just want to sleep normally and pull myself back together before i overanalyze everything in minute detail, and then tomorrow, i want to try carry on to 100.
  18. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Dang it Fap,
    Anyhow, you'll get your mojo back here soon.
    I did have a sense you were trying to keep too many balls in the air.
    I have started to preach KISS. Keep it simple stupid!!!
    One day at a time. One addiction at a time. One emotion at a time.
    We have the ability to make this more complicated and, hence, more difficult.

    So Fap here comes the unsoicited advice (yuk yuk), just try to concentrate on not jerking off today.
    Don't even worry about anything else. Don't even worry about porn. Just keep your hand away from your dick.
    Courage to you,,
  19. lol that gave me a laugh at the end there Getting - thanks for the heads up!

    You're right man - i had too many balls in the air and well, they all came crashing down simultaneously. I think i so wanted this to be the "be and end all", the "noFap streaks to end all noFap streaks" that would free me from the clutches of this silly addiction, and eventually lead me into The Promised Land, that all it took for me to fail, was a brief moment of weakness.

    Anyway, i have learned my lesson, albeit the hard way - i don't think No Fap is a logical choice for me in this predicament (as opposed to no PMO, which i will still adhere to). As i stated in my last post, my understanding of this whole thing was wrong - i mistakenly believed that for some odd reason, not jacking off to porn would magically result in love, happiness etc. It didn't. I have to use the benefits of not jacking it (or looking at porn) to help me acquire that which i want i.e the built up testosterone will help spur me through my shyness and fear of approaching chicks, the way that Mother Nature intended it to.

    So a valuable lesson learned despite my failure.

    Day 42/ [0 days since relapse]

    Mood: 8/10

    Last night i got a good solid 11 hours of sleep - woke up this morning with wood, and surprisingly, i actually felt...happy. Whilst i am annoyed that i didn't last as long as i had initially planned to i.e 100 days, i feel in my heart that i did really try my utmost to succeed, before my resistance gave in. I walked around town today chatting with all sorts of people; at gym had a few chats with some of the totty there and then at home, was able to resist the still lingering chaser effects from yesterday.

    My new aim is for 2 weeks no PMO. In future should my cojones become too full i would rather fap than risk a full blown relapse.

    This evening i read up on this stuff called Rejection Therapy - essentially you just go out and aim to get rejected as often as you can, until such time that getting shot down doesn't suck so much ass anymore. Whilst this isn't exactly rocket science, it still seems harder to do in real life than in theory. Plus, I am going to have to do this in my fruity Italian which is going to make it that much harder to do. Still, I'll try it out in the coming days. Hopefully it'll help me lose my self consciousness too with regards to looking like an idiot.

    I have to keep trying with this crap.
  20. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Dude! I can't believe you relapsed. I just relapsed, too :-[. Your no PMO streak is such, however, that you will retain benefits. I hope you have learned from your mistake. Well, I have not. This is my third relapse this year. And I'm bracing myself for the chaser effect. How can something so simple, like not watching porn, be so hard?

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