My NoFap Journal 5000-Pro™

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. Day 29

    Mood: 5/10

    Not a particularly great day - didn't feel upbeat about it in any way.

    I have noticed a disturbing trend though, with regards to my internet usage. Seems i sometimes end up subconsciously seeking out websites that i know will in some way reinforce a negative thought process/pattern in my head, and will thus trigger a depressive episode.

    This is something that i have to stop doing, because the online world is not the same as reality, and i have to start getting that through my head. In retrospect, I suppose there is a strong correlation here as to why i got caught up with Porn - not wanting to live in an uncomfortable reality, but rather choosing to create a phoney-baloney make believe world full of BS.

    Starting tomorrow, i want to only use the PC after 7pm. I want to see how this affects me in the long run.

    Here's to a happier future, and a less shitty tomorrow.
     
  2. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    "Here's to a happier future, and a less shitty tomorrow."

    Yep. Hang in there.
     
  3. Thanks man, I'm trying.

    Day 30

    Mood: 4/10

    And once more, the pendulum swings back into the depression zone. I didn't use the net for most of the day (until 4pm) and i must say, it was quite peaceful, if very dull without it. I felt very lonely for the most part, but then again i didn't exactly go out and try seek company, so i suppose my laziness exacerbated my depressive episode. Next time i find myself in the same scenario, I'll hop on a bus and head into town.

    My hormones are at a huge peak once more, BUT severe horniness coupled with a depressed disposition are a dangerous mix.

    I touched Mr. Weiner to see if he still worked - 3 strokes and i had a full on boner man; not bad. I made the mistake of letting my guard down a bit today - looked at some pornostar profiles on wikipedia (the fully clothed pics - no nudity) and it almost escalated from there. Luckily i pulled back just in time. It seems my dumbass brain is finally starting to figure this shit out - that this crap aint real. That said, my brain, as dopey as it is, is also a very wily SOB - the thought of running back to hookers again came flooding back after i shut everything down. God dammit man, I'm really fighting demons and inner torment left/right/centre here and I have no clue how the hell i am going to last until 10 June (my 100 Day mark).
     
  4. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Stay strong--no touching, no porn-related reading--you're just making it more difficult.

    That said, way to hang in there.
     
  5. Hey thanks man for the head's up! Always good to see support in a journal for a fellow no-fapper.

    Day 31

    Mood: 7/10

    Man what a weird ass day today was.

    At first i woke up in a whiny-bitch Negative Nancy mood which lasted until i got out and about on the way down to gym. I was in quite a lame ass mood in gym; went about everything in a very pedestrian manner whilst keeping to myself as per the usual. (On a side note, i have cut 4kgs/10lbs since starting noFap - amazing; my focus on diet has been seriously sharp whilst my strength has increased quite well).

    Anyway, the end of the session comes about and as I'm walking out, the Milf at reception calls me over for a chat and a flirt, and Goddamn was she hot - no i wasn't wearing my noFap goggles where 2 and 3s suddenly turn into 10s - she was a legit 9/10 knock out Italian Milf, not that Jersey Shore trash. The whole time we chatted i couldn't help but think about sticking my tongue in all her holes, and that smile of hers..eh! It was nice too because here was finally someone whom i could actually speak to about life, experiences etc - really what i needed.

    The most beneficial thing i noticed the most on my part though, was that i felt far more relaxed speaking in Italian to her than i normally would have. Yes i made mistakes but i adopted a notasinglefuckwasgiven.jpg mentality. Next time I'll try to escalate it and see if i can get a number. Finally all these weeks of going though insane blue balls and chronic self doubt are paying off.

    And i would just like to say a big FUCK YOU PORNO AND FAPPING FOR TAKING AWAY FROM ME WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD A LONG ASS TIME AGO.
     
  6. Harry

    Harry Guest

    You are already reaping the benefits and winning against pornography addiction. And its only been a month! Congratulations!
     
  7. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    That's a very powerful statement, thank you for posting it.

    Even though our situations are all different, I think every one of us can say a big "HELL YEAH" with you on that.

    Good luck and be strong today my friend.
     
  8. Thanks man Harry! The more i go on, the more i confront all these pessimistic demons that lurk in my head, and the more i realise what it is i have been doing wrong all these years. Inshallah we all actually break free of it :)

    Thanks for the words of encouragement Meta! I'll keep on trying to kick this habit once and for all.

    Day 32

    Mood: 7/10

    A more upbeat day today. Woke up with very strong urges and a colossal, herculean boner - sadly nobody to share it with (just yet). Overall, despite no real female interaction (aside from all of 10 words with the blonde 20 something at the shop till), i was out and about and that helped even me out i.e no seriously depressive episodes, though i am dreading Easter because everything here will be shut until Tuesday and i will be alone once more. Its going to be a real test of mental stamina and resolution to overcome these next few days, but i guess it has to be done.

    I am now 4 days away from breaking my old record of not fapping (the last time round i made it 56 days no P, though i did have an MO session at Day 36 which pretty much set me onto a downward spiral thereafter which ended in me PMOing myself into a near coma at Day 56.)

    At some stage in these next few days, I'll make a graph of my recovery, to see the trend, if any, in my mood swings compared to days without PMO.
     
  9. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Keep going man. I would tell you to break your 56 day no P and add the no MO also, that would be awesome, but as we all know shit happens. Just stay strong and keep up the streak.
     
  10. Haha yes you live and you learn man - pity that the most important lessons in life often have to be learned the hard way :p

    Anyway, down to some hardcore nerdery.

    My new found NoFap courage has wiped out my procrastination and so i present to you all...*drum roll*....my NoFap analysis for March 2012.

    [​IMG]

    Granted it doesn't exactly seem to indicate much - hell, if anything, it shows what a crazy emotional roller coaster i have been on these last 4 weeks. BUT, after the Great ShitStorm of Day 14 i can say that, whilst there have been utterly crappy days, the overall weeks seem to have improved quite alot. The trend after 30 days seems to be heading towards a more even "happy" state around Mood level 6.
     
  11. Day 33

    Mood: 6/10

    33% of the way there.

    Not really the most awesome day ever, but not for reasons of PMO withdrawal. Seems i ate something bad yesterday which pretty much condemned me to the crapper for the most part of this morning, hence i felt quite lousy for the rest of the day.

    Despite said Gypo-guts, i went to gym and just got on with it. Nothing particularly inspiring, and only a fleeting "Ciao" from my milf of 2 days ago. I didn't really feel like going out of my way to chat with other women i met there or out and about. Other than that, my default mood was good - no real triggers for thinking about PMO or depression were encountered, though I'm sure at some stage their ugly ass heads will pop up once again.

    Last night i got to reading the Rebooting Accounts and the success stories over on YBOP.com and they really inspired me (as do many of the journals here). What really motivates me now is that i, too, want to be one of those success stories. Reading about how people went from being miserable, fap-addicted foreveraloners to being happy, outgoing and focused individuals really struck a chord in me - i must keep persevering with this no Fap/Porno stuff, because one day I know i will be free.
     
  12. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Preach it, brother!

    You're looking strong--keep it up.
     
  13. Roger that Spin ;)

    Day 34

    Mood: 8/10

    Excellent day.

    Despite the absolutely crap weather here (grey, miserable and pissing down buckets) i was out and about. Randomly went out of my way and chatted to 3 women i more or less know, to simply say Hi and say Happy Easter to - no nervousness or anxiety to speak of; in fact people seemed a whole lot more friendly and outgoing than i would have usually expected. See, that's an oddity right there. Maybe people have actually acted this way towards me in the past, it was just that i was too much of an overfapping sad-sack, Debby Downer to realize it. Shit.

    Anyway, hormones have returned (had a lull over the last few days) so i suppose that was what drove me to seek out and interact with these beings known as 'females'.

    Overall, despite the fact that i am alone, i am finding that i can handle my 'loner' spells a lot better than i could in the past. Slowly but surely the dull, grey fog the has blanketed my life for so long seems to be lifting.
     
  14. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Just hearing that someone had a nice day is such a relief to read. I feel like 34 days is years away from where I am now, but your daily progress reports are pretty important for me to read here. I'm particularly glad to hear that you're seeking out women just to talk to, which is good for your soul in general.
     
  15. Hey thanks for the heads up there Psychosis!

    I'm glad the journal is benefiting others, and not just myself.

    You know, one of the key motivating factors that i have read on here was what you wrote in the Wrestler's log, about him as a kid screwing up his youth by not getting this addiction sorted out, and how he shouldn't wait until he's 30 to try to resolve it, like i have. I thought long and hard about your statement and more often than not, when i feel those urges returning, or doubts and hopelessness entering my mind, it gives me the impetus to want to get over this crap, to not let it dominate my life, because everyday i waste relapsing or messing up, in all likelihood means not just one more day i have to wait to get to my goal, but rather 1 more week or even month - that's time i just can't afford to waste.

    I guess the only way to get this crap over and done with is to take it one day at a time and to hope that eventually each one of those days will eventually add up into a "being cured" of sorts, though its a lot easier said than done.
     
  16. Day 35

    Mood: 6/10

    First up, Happy Easter everyone! Hopefully you all had a great relaxing day at home with your loved ones.

    On my end, it was a fairly bland day. Woke up with no real urges though i did crack a boner late last night. When it did eventually subside, i was able to get some zzzz. Anyway, awkward erections aside, i had Easter lunch with my landlord and his family which was nice; amazing how just being in a family atmosphere (even if it isn't your own) can feel comforting, and put you at ease.

    Today i got a message from a friend of mine telling me that he is expecting his first kid. Whilst i was really happy for the guy, it really hit home how pathetic my life has become. This guy is about to bring his first kid into the world, and here i am trying to get over an addiction to jerking off. Ironically, in the past this sort of news would have most likely have triggered a mass PMO session to end all PMO sessions as i attempted to drown out the emptiness with more faux feelings of contentment, but now, i have nowhere left to run or to hide - i must fess up to my choices. So instead, i will use that as impetus to get myself off of PMO - for good this time.

    5 weeks no PMO down, another 10 left - Sonofabitch...
     
  17. Harry

    Harry Guest

    I like to think of overcoming an addiction as an opportunity to grow and change, and if successful, allows us to appreciate life more.

    I'm sure you will enjoy your new found inner self waiting to release itself upon unsuspecting women.
     
  18. Thanks for the kind words there man Harry. You are right though, in a sense many things i have swept under the carpet in the past, and have tried to ignore, have come out and really made me come to terms with them. Its a scary experience at times, confronting your true self, but it'll be for the better in the end (i hope).

    Day 36

    Mood: 5/10

    A Meh Day - neither good nor bad - mediocre, though that could be because i have stayed home all day. I feel like a caged lion now, wanting to break free and accost as many women as humanly and legally possible. Curse you mandatory government holiday!

    Today is the day i break my old record of 36 Days No PMO.

    Unsurprisingly, i have been having stronger and stronger urges hormonally speaking and, i am sad to say, have considered edging (no porn viewed, again, only Wiki articles. Weirdly enough, just seeing a pornstars face is good enough to make the old General salute. This is something i must stop as this is what made me fail first time round.)

    Nothing particularly introspective to really write about in today's entry, although this evening i did have the strange urge to get in touch with family relatives that i haven't spoken to in a while, and i must say, it didn't go too badly (this is a side of the family i have never really been too chummy with). I think what is also changing here, as time progresses, is my perception of events, and people, in particular. Whereas in the past i would feel nervous reaching out to others, so now i do it without any worries at all.
     
  19. Day 37

    New No-PMO World & Olympic Record! Hurah!

    Mood: 4/10

    Well i suppose it had to come back sooner or later - depression.

    Despite going out and about today, i had little to no urge to really want to talk to anyone - very much a reminder of how things used to be. Coupled with that, another stint of looking up pornstar wikis (again no nudity, but still, its the thought that counts or so they say) but i managed to close all tabs after 3 minutes. I guess i can be proud of my willpower if anything. A plus - I did, however, notice that i didn't respond as strongly to the thoughts of PMO as i would have in the past.

    I'm starting to see glimmers of my old self in this crap depressive cycle - antisocial, negative thought process/inner dialogue, hopelessness etc basically all the shitty aspects of a dude caught up in a world of his own. I remember thinking this afternoon about having a PMO session, but then also remember just how hard it was to get back on the wagon thereafter - almost impossible - and to have to start all over again from scratch..naa uh man, not again.

    I really hope tomorrow will be a better day. :-\
     
  20. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Hey man, sorry you're down. There are times when I feel that way too but we both know we'd feel even worse if we were still watching porn. Hang in there!!!
     

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