My NoFap Journal 5000-Pro™

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Don't worry about the depression, which will start to clear up eventually. In all likelihood, you have been accustomed to dealing with stress, anxiety, whatever, by PMO'ing, and without it your unconscious doesn't really know what the fuck you are doing. If you feel that your depression is the real deal, I recommend you check out Albert Ellis' book A Guide to Rational Living, which was the foundational text for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, one of the most influential schools of therapy today. There's a really remarkable chapter on "Acquiring Self-Discipline" which I was reading the other day and found rather useful.
  2. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Motivation is not permanent. And when its gone you have to stick with your principals discipline, patience, and perseverance. When I relapsed it threw off my sleep schedule and I also got depressed. As the days moved on the depression lessened. My mood is not perfect but its better compared to the days after I relapsed.
  3. I took a look at the book there Psychosis, and from what i have read, it more or less resembles the advice i got in a book by Martin Seligmann - Learned Optimism - which also deals with the disputation of negative inner dialogue and beliefs etc when dealing with depression. I honestly thought i had adopted these principles the last time i had to through a serious depressive stage, but i guess there is still much for me to learn.

    That's true Harry. Having a clear vision of the end and of the ultimate objective is always hard to maintain, and when motivation goes, well, its just pure grit and determination that will pull you through.

    Thanks guys for you help and advice :)

    Day 20

    Mood: 4/10

    Slight mood improvement today. Last night i had a wet dream - the first in a long long time. Quite frankly, i hate that feel of waking up with your shorts dripping with ball-juice - ahem. I can feel my libido coming back, and coming back very strongly, so much so, that the last time i relapsed it was because i couldn't control the urges.

    Before going falling asleep, i had a very weird lucid dream about visiting hookers and call girls; i suppose this was my brain's way of dealing with a stressful day without the use of PMO. Quite frankly the level of my sexual frustration is building to such an extent that i am considering this option, but it frightens me because i am worried it will end up becoming an addiction and that could wind up getting out of hand (i.e ruin me financially etc).

    Another thing that keeps me from going this route is thinking that i am not good enough to find a decent woman, so i have to pay for it instead. I don't just want to stick my sausage in someone and then be told that the hour is up, piss off; i want a bond, and dare i say, someone to love. But honestly speaking, i am losing hope in finding someone i connect with here in this little place. I know that rejection is part of the game when it comes to finding someone to love, however sometimes, I feel like i have the mark of the Devil tattooed on my forehead because every time i try chatting with a woman here, they instantly lock up and pretend to start chatting on their phones or whatever.

    These are trying times and it seems that once i overcome one hurdle, another pops up.
  4. Day 21

    Mood: 5/10

    3 weeks up. God damn, i never thought i'd make it past 10 days but here i am man, i'm still standing. Onward to 100!

    Well, today was relatively better. It was Attack of the Killer Subliminal Porno Images this afternoon when i came across a site with old 70s gossip mags whilst looking for images of atom bombs. I was able to resist and then went outside for a walk where upon i encountered a white stallion - yes, a god damn horse (there is a glue factory near here so who knows what the hell its doing out). Could this have been a metaphor? Could it mean that in the midst of an empty, desolate world one can still find beauty and splendour? Or was it just a horse wandering around before being turned into a stick of glue? Eh, so many questions.

    Today i had my first "Reaching out" session. I got back in touch with people i had lost touch with over the years, and it was good to hear from them again. I still find though that i am struggling to come to terms with my own negative thought processes and beliefs. The last time i tried giving up PMO, it wasn't this brutal man. I am taking each day one step at a time because i don't want to risk letting my guard down lest all my hard work wind up in the toilet.
  5. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Dude, sorry you're having such a tough go of it. Your willpower is encouraging though! Stay strong brother. Can you get yourself in a situation to meet more women? That might help you... good luck! ;D
  6. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    You are strong. You can take satisfaction from the fact that you're sticking to it even though it may seem harder for you than for others. The fact that it's so difficult means that you are working hard and making real, tangible progress against a powerful opponent.

    "disputation of negative inner dialogue and beliefs etc when dealing with depression. I honestly thought i had adopted these principles the last time i had to through a serious depressive stage, but i guess there is still much for me to learn."

    It sounds like you are pretty knowledgeable--all I can add is that, for me, I have to remember that even in good times the negative inner dialogue, etc., are still there, even if dormant, waiting to be triggered.

    Hang in there!
  7. Yes, being in a situation with more womens would be a wonderful idea Meta. I have one issue though and that is that i live in a tiny village hence there isn't much of a social life here for me. BUT, yesterday i went to church and there i met some old broads who want me to join their music group or something. Granted it isn't exactly Studio 54, but it will help me to feel more integrated with the community, and therefore less isolated.

    Thanks dudes for the words of encouragement! It means a lot to know there are guys here who have a more positive enduring mindset than my own!

    Day 22

    Mood: 8/10

    Much, much better day today. I woke up feeling happier and less nervous. Hopefully the worst of the storm has passed and can focus on getting my shit together mentally.

    You know, sometimes its strange how things play out. Last week i was down in the dumps and i felt as if the whole world was against me; today i felt i had the world in the palm of my hands - i was flirting with my female pals and had a decent chat with a dude from my gym. I guess what was missing was just social contact, and finding that, my depression pretty much evaporated. Goddamit why do i always have to figure easy, simple shit out, the hard way. Grrr.

    Anyway, i'm not about to let my guard down. Hopefully this week will be more even, and overall better than the last.
  8. Harry

    Harry Guest

    My mood itself lifted just by reading your last journal entry. And gives me hope as well.
  9. Haha I'm glad that this journal has at least had some positive effects on others ;) Yeah it is hard at times man Harry, hell it even seems insurmountable at times, but i guess it is all in the mind. I mean, that makes it sound trite and silly, but like any addiction bi it physical or mental, it requires belief to overcome, and that is the hardest part for me personally.

    Day 23

    Mood: 9/10

    Hurah! An even better day.

    Looking back, these last 3 weeks have been pure and utter hell for me man. Today I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I certainly hope that this is the calm after the storm, and not the calm before it as i don't think i'd be able to handle anymore BS like that.

    I feel more hopeful and optimistic for the future, though i must be wary of my thoughts. I know it sounds lame, but happy thoughts can be dangerous because they can breed overconfidence, and overconfidence can lead to relapses (the thought that you have this monster beat, only to fall all the way back down and have to start again).

    Temptation-wise, the urges are dissipating, but that's not to say they have gone. Each day i wake up hoping that i don't fuck it all up because in all honesty, i don't want to ever have to go through this crap ever again.

    I just want to be happy.
  10. Day 24

    Mood: 7/10

    Still going strong. I had to spend today editing so that pretty much meant i didn't get much chance to socialize. Strange, in the past i would not have given a rat's ass; in fact i would have been more than happy to stay home and not see anyone, but strangely enough, i honestly felt the urge to want to go out and just be around people - be they regular folks, grannies or even greaseball Italian toolbags. When i couldn't find anyone to talk to, it kind of bummed me, but I'll have to take that as a positive thing (as opposed to a negative one) seeing as i now actually miss just meeting people in general.

    Overall, my mood had evened out, though with these happier feelings have come more urges to fap. I must be vigilant now more than ever.
  11. Day 25

    Mood: 3/10

    Just when i thought i was getting out of this depressing crap, i get brought back down to my knees.

    Last night after making my post here, i found that my web filter had been disabled (crashed) and that i had free reign. Well, instead of porn, i went to look at escorts. It escalated this morning. My God, i have swung to the other extreme - from having no libido to having seriously aching balls because i can't hold back my horniness. Hell, i even called a hooker this morning to see what it would cost me. Thereafter, i edged to more pics of high-class-yet-highly-affordable hookers. I was just able to pull myself though right at the right moment.

    In all honesty, i am in limbo; i have no idea what my next move will be here man. The whole point of my quitting PMO was to find happiness in my life but i find as i go on that this beast in me will need a miracle to tame.

    So far tonight, the urges have abated, though i reckon its going to be difficult to get a good night's rest tonight.

    I guess its back to blue balls and feeling agitated for the next 75 days.
  12. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Brought to your knees perhaps, BUT NOT DEFEATED!

    As TheUnderdog and others have pointed out in detail, recovery is not linear. The brain remembers the old ways, even as it rebuilds itself. Alcoholics in recovery -- even those who haven't had a drink in years -- usually don't say that they are no longer alcoholics -- they say they're in recovery. That's because they know they still have the disease (inability to drink socially/in moderation), even if they no longer engage in the destructive behavior.

    I do think that the pendulum will swing less severely as recovery continues--that is, that returning urges won't be as overpowering. However, I also think that even after 5 years of NO P, my brain will respond to 60 seconds of hot video.

    "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." --Churchill

    You don't need a miracle to tame the beast. You need strength and courage.

    You are strong. You are courageous. You WILL tame the beast.
  13. Harry

    Harry Guest

    In your situation, and I have followed your journal, I would avoid paying for sex. You don't want to be dependent on paying for sex every time your depressed. Find a positive coping mechanism. You need to make a good deal of effort if you want to recover. All recovery and healing requires effort and patience. So stop edging. Remind yourself why your abstaining.
  14. Spin & Harry, thanks so much for your input; it really makes a difference when you have other's opinions and help on a terrible predicament. :)

    I realise that this whole thing is really a test of will power and courage, and 99% of the time, the bullshit is in my head, but that said, i am terrified I'll get to the end of the line and find there's nothing (not nothing in the literal sense, rather in the metaphorical sense). That it didn't really make a difference. Its that fear that i must overcome, and its that fear that is the cause of all this crap.

    Day 26

    Mood: 7/10

    The pendulum swings back to the +ve side, and so I pretty much rebounded today, though i only managed 4 hours sleep last night, tossing and turning and having very lucid dreams about skanky blonde German hookers. Oi vey man.

    As soon as i got out of the house, i felt liberated. I pretty much said Hi and gave every chick i met out and about "The Eye". Feltgoodman.jpg. At gym, had an awesome session - seems my injuries have healed up and i am on the mend again.

    Coming back home though, felt like going back to prison. I guess the No-Fap is beginning to work in that i am actually starting to loathe being alone and starting to thrive on being around people especially chicks.

    That said, emotionally and psychologically, i am exhausted from the last 3 days. Like the fat guy who spends his life putting away burger after burger and then has to one day go about losing all the flab, so i must now seek to undo what i spent years wrongly doing, and crap if its hard as shit.

    The revolution goes on my No Fap bros!
  15. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Mate you've got this keep going!!

    I can relate so much with your story. I've previously gone 55 days no PMO, and saw improvements, it does get ALOT easier but you'll have days where you feel on top of the world and you'll have days where you feel like shit. You just got to ride it out, it's part of the process.

    Do you need to use the internet for work? Would it be possible to stop internet use or just use it just at work or even limit it to half hour a day? As little as possible. I believe this will help with your reboot and eliminate the possiblity of relapsing while you reboot.

    What you need to do is spend as much time around and with females as much as possible. Talk, flirt and build up friendships and seek out possible girlfriends or sexual partners for the near future. Being around women, hugging, kissing will help rewire your brain.
  16. Thanks man Diablo!

    Sadly, i think i am an internet addict in addition to a fap addict :(

    Herein lies my problem - that i use my net connection for work but also use it for home entertainment (you try watching 10 minutes of Italian TV and tell me you don't go crazy). That then lays the trap for me to get ensnared in a possible Fap situation.

    In all honesty i was thinking about the whole internet abstinence thing too just this morning. When i went home over Christmas, i was home for about a month, and thankfully, my folks had no net connection. I spent so much time out and about with friends and people that the No Fap thing seemed a breeze.

    The second part that sucks balls, is that i live on a small farm holding out in the middle of nowhere. Having no car makes it even harder to try find people to socialize with, BUT i have one last hope left - the local church here. Some young women my age (30) go there and have in the past told me to come hang out with them.

    Now this is where it gets dumb. Back when i was a chronic PMOer with a serious social aversion, i managed to burn my bridges with these girls (well at least i think i did) and one in particular that i really liked. I'm not sure I'll be able to get back into their social circle again, but now that i have my confidence back, who knows, maybe they'll see i'm not such a socially awkward toolbag after all.
  17. Diablo

    Diablo New Member

    Snap!! I'm an internet addict too and have been for many years.

    As of tomorrow im going cold turkey. I read on YBOP that internet addiction so studies have shown effects the brain and effects the way the brain responds to pleasure and causes desentization which leads to depression and joylessness. The page is here if you want to read it for yourself :

    For some people simply cutting out all internet use would be really hard and impracticle, so even if you just used it for informational purposes and posting on here and cut out the searching for chick pics, porn and random internet searches that would be an improvement.

    Well if the church is where you got to pick up girls, well the church is where you got to do it! A man got to do what a man got to do 8) ;D lol
    Even if you just start making friends with them and it opens new doors that will be great. I know what you mean about pushing people away because of PMO, especially females but now is your chance to change and make a new better life for yourself and make the start to being happy. You seem like a funny and interesting guy just be yourself and you'll be fine :)

    Goodluck bro, im routing for you.
  18. Haha thanks man Diablo. Yes it is all about networking and using the No-Fap high to help you find a nice girl to bury your dog in.

    With regards to internet usage, yes, it is a dangerous stimulant, but then again, in this day and age what isn't man? So far i have diagnosed myself as being addicted to 1) Fapping 2)Pronz 3) Caffeine 4) My iPod and now 5) the internets. Man i am trying to cut out the first 2, the 4th has been nixed, and now am left with 3 & 5. Quite frankly, i would rather spend my life around other people than have to waste the whole day online, but thus far, i have yet to find said like-minded folks.

    That brings me to another interesting point. Last night i was reading some blog about another expat living here in Italy and what she described about her experiences here were pretty much what i have been going through almost word for word (not the porn addiction - My God, to find a chick addicted to porn; I should be so lucky) but the whole "having to deal with a difficult social environment" and the difficulties involved in adjusting and integrating into a new culture. It was like a breath of fresh air. All this time i figured i was alone in having these difficulties. But, that's not to excuse laziness or intransigence - if i want to solve this porno/fapping problem, i will have to integrate more in order to find potential chicks to either simply pork, or have something longer term with.

    Day 27

    Mood: 8/10

    My mood has remained relatively upbeat since yesterday. The urges i had on Thursday and the thoughts about hookers have receded, but not gone.

    I gave myself until tomorrow Sunday to come to a decision with regards to going to see the aforementioned hooker, but having thought about it, and having read other folks' journals here on the subject, i feel i will try and not do it, though for how much longer i can resist this, hell, who knows.

    I can still feel the throbs of horniness surging through my body every once in a while, and it actually now hurts to feel it, mostly because it now has no outlet. But, as Harry said, i have to find a positive coping mechanism lest i wind up running to hookers every time i want to bust a nut - then I'll be broke And even more emotionally empty.

    I think what i am also trying to get rid of here, along side PMO, is the tendency to expect instantaneous gratification, that pleasure should come without any risk, effort or hard work i.e. actually talking to chicks and attempting to romance/seduce them given the risk of rejection. I must learn to harness the emotional highs to better help me along this rocky path out of despair.
  19. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Good stuff reading your journal and its awesome that you are almost at the 1 month point -keep it up-. I always wanted to go live in a rural town because it seems so simple and peaceful, but from what you have written I can imagine how hard it could be to get accustomed to living there; especially when you are alone and don't know much people.
  20. Yeah small time life isn't what its cracked up to be. Unless you know the folks there quite well and are prepared to put up with what can sometimes be a very parochial view of the world, then i would advise against it. A holiday home by all means, but to live? Nah uh man.

    Day 28

    Mood: 6/10

    4 weeks up. Frankly this week was a tiring week, though i can say that overall a) my mood is improving (as opposed to Week 2 & 3 where it was in constant decline) b) i am better able to cope with negative/depressing episodes c) most importantly, I have hope for the future (this is critical in defeating depression).

    Today there was the monthly farmer's market where i live, and i decided to take a stroll out to go see if i could find any chicks to talk to. Sadly, i came up with bupkis :( I guess huge crowds are not always the best places to approach strange women (or rather, for strange No-Fappers to approach heavenly-blessed-beauties). Anyway, its not the end of the world, I'll keep trying to hone my game-dropping skills at any chance i get.

    Urges and temptation are still there, lurking ever so subtly at the back of my mind that i must be ever vigilant so as to not allow them to suddenly pounce on me in a moment of weakness.

    I found a Youtube video that pretty much sums up how No Fap feels for me personally (ignore the goofy music), and I'm sure many of you will relate to this:

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