Hello. My name is, well, fapSock, and I'm a porn addict. This is my journal to record my long, hard road out of this mess that i have gotten myself into. Even with the anonymity of being online, it is still a struggle for me to come to terms with this, and to expose part of me that i have tried to bury and numb, for so very very long. My story is that I am 30, and a virgin, and have only had one girlfriend back in 2004 who rejected me for being as such. After that, i withdrew further and further into myself believing that by running away from my hurt, that i could some how make it all go away. As a result, i got hooked on porno, because after all, its a whole lot easier to fap and dull the urge to find a girlfriend, than it is to go through rejection in order to find the right one. So i guess what i have to confront here, is 2 intertwined problems: 1. the fear of getting hurt again 2. the difficulty of escaping a psychological addiction (PMO). I first started to read YBOP.com last year and found that alot of the symptoms it mentioned were what i had: depression, social anxiety and self doubt. I started a porn withdrawal cycle last year that i managed to keep going for 56 days until i ended up browsing a dating website whereupon..BAAM..my old Master returned, and i fell back into my depressive cycle. The thing is, sans Porno and fapping, i am actually a very extroverted person by nature, happy and full of life, but the moment i revert to my old ways, i fall back into cycles of antisocial behaviour and negative thoughts. My main problem is that i live alone in a very rural part of Italy, and maintaining a social life and friends here is hard for me, though hopefully by giving up on PMO, i'll have more impetus to get out about and to do something about it all. Anyway, i have started my battle again to rid myself of this scourge in the hopes that i may be a happy, normal guy once more; the way i was 12 years ago. Reading some of the recovery journals here has given me real hope for getting out of this all, and i hope that this journal, should it eventually lead to success, will give others inspiration as well. That said, i am now on Day 9 of No-PMO. Day 9 - 13 March 2012. Today i woke up with a strong morning boner accompanied with the usual erotic mental images. I was able to clear my mind and focus after getting up and getting chores done. Mood wise, the last week was hell; much worse than my initial week in Cycle 1. Strong, strong feelings of worthlessness, depression, and suicide. I really felt i had hit rock bottom. Somehow though, i made it through. I must keep my thoughts in check however. This afternoon using the net, came across some nudey images, which whilst tempting, i was able to resist. Just. Anyway, that's pretty much it for now.