My NoFap Journal 5000-Pro™

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Hello. My name is, well, fapSock, and I'm a porn addict.

    This is my journal to record my long, hard road out of this mess that i have gotten myself into. Even with the anonymity of being online, it is still a struggle for me to come to terms with this, and to expose part of me that i have tried to bury and numb, for so very very long.

    My story is that I am 30, and a virgin, and have only had one girlfriend back in 2004 who rejected me for being as such. After that, i withdrew further and further into myself believing that by running away from my hurt, that i could some how make it all go away. As a result, i got hooked on porno, because after all, its a whole lot easier to fap and dull the urge to find a girlfriend, than it is to go through rejection in order to find the right one. So i guess what i have to confront here, is 2 intertwined problems: 1. the fear of getting hurt again 2. the difficulty of escaping a psychological addiction (PMO).

    I first started to read YBOP.com last year and found that alot of the symptoms it mentioned were what i had: depression, social anxiety and self doubt. I started a porn withdrawal cycle last year that i managed to keep going for 56 days until i ended up browsing a dating website whereupon..BAAM..my old Master returned, and i fell back into my depressive cycle. The thing is, sans Porno and fapping, i am actually a very extroverted person by nature, happy and full of life, but the moment i revert to my old ways, i fall back into cycles of antisocial behaviour and negative thoughts. My main problem is that i live alone in a very rural part of Italy, and maintaining a social life and friends here is hard for me, though hopefully by giving up on PMO, i'll have more impetus to get out about and to do something about it all.

    Anyway, i have started my battle again to rid myself of this scourge in the hopes that i may be a happy, normal guy once more; the way i was 12 years ago. Reading some of the recovery journals here has given me real hope for getting out of this all, and i hope that this journal, should it eventually lead to success, will give others inspiration as well.

    That said, i am now on Day 9 of No-PMO.

    Day 9 - 13 March 2012.

    Today i woke up with a strong morning boner accompanied with the usual erotic mental images. I was able to clear my mind and focus after getting up and getting chores done. Mood wise, the last week was hell; much worse than my initial week in Cycle 1. Strong, strong feelings of worthlessness, depression, and suicide. I really felt i had hit rock bottom. Somehow though, i made it through. I must keep my thoughts in check however.

    This afternoon using the net, came across some nudey images, which whilst tempting, i was able to resist. Just.

    Anyway, that's pretty much it for now.
     
  2. ssk08

    ssk08 Pointman

    Only use email get advice from us and check for mail (job-related etc), quit the social media too. Don't try to call your friends, just create new ones, even if they last for 10 seconds. You don't need constant validation to be happy. That's how I live since the beginning of 2012, on my terms, I go out alone, I do stuff alone, I don't need to rely on anyone to get a girl or a friend as the others, they rely on their friends approval.

    My social skills have improved since quitting PMO/MP3-player isolation when outdoors/Facebook/Internet-surfing-all-day-long, if I see someone interesting, I talk to him or her because of the urge (that builds up of of not using Facebook), it will give you more happiness to your life than your 500 friends Likes on your profile. It's so liberating to have cut off contact with my old life (except mom, dad and a handful of friends) and moved to another country.

    Quality of life, not quantity. Don't be a robot like the majority.
     
  3. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Hello,

    For me the difficulty is that there is no intimacy to turn towards after a stressful day and that it seems there will never be anyone to replace porn or is there any other choice. This hopeless view caused my relapse. Your suffering is my suffering. I refuse to live life dependent on porn. I believe that without it I am a better person and without it I will see beyond the hopelessness and finally find real love and the right one.
     
  4. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Thanks for the strong words there dudes.

    The thing is, i don't use Facebook (in fact, i have never really liked online social media; i just find it too pretentious to be on) or Twitter etc, though ironically, with the job situation the way it is up here in Italy, i think i am going to have to venture into the world of social media again in order to make my new job work. Ho hum.

    In all honesty, i am not a socially awkward person. I have very good social skills, but i just struggle to find anything in common with the people i am surrounded with here. I have made good friends in northern Italy in the past, but since moving down here to rural Central Italy, i have really really struggled socially. I can make small talk, but i have yet to find people i can honestly relate to on a deeper level, hence why i had to resort to online dating, and why i ended up relapsing.

    I know this will sound fruity of me, but what i am really aiming for right now, is to simply master myself and my urges. I am so tired of being whimsical and bowing to my baser urges that i feel i must overcome them first before i can truly feel happy with who i am, and therefore feel happy with anyone else. The silly thing is, in all other aspects of my life, i am disciplined and rigorous, be it sport or work related. But for some odd reason, this part of me runs wild and wreaks havoc. It has to stop man.

    Anyway, thanks again guys, and forgive me if my rants don't make too much sense, or are contradictory at times; i'm still trying to get my head around the fact that i can't get anymore instantaneous gratification any more..grrrr.

    Oh and Harry i know that feel man; the foney-baloneyness of Porn seems so trite and facile, but in reality it has a truly powerful grip on many people. 1love man.
     
  5. Spacemonkey

    Spacemonkey New Member

    You quit using mp3? I'm asking this because I think I am addicted to music, I use it as release from stress for me. But sometimes it consume too much time.
     
  6. ssk08

    ssk08 Pointman

    Most guys today have trouble balancing their rational self (I have to go to work, no time for women chasing on the way) with their emotional self (I have to go chase women, no time for work today). The first is more common, I would not be surprised that you'd have to hit both ends (rational self and emotional self) before finding the balance that makes you happy. It's called calibration.

    Or just read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego

    I started experimenting leaving the MP3-player at home and found out that I'm more likely to strike up some enjoyable conversations with strangers without this MP3-distraction. I also got more "me"-time, time free from distractions so that I at last find out what I really want in life. Modern people have very little "me"-time, which makes them take paths others have created for them (you should do this, because you do that etc), they won't make great life decisions 5 minutes in the toilet.

    Most are "addicted" to music, mine ended a few weeks ago. I don't know why, I really enjoyed it. I stopped getting stimulation from it. Too much of the good I guess...
     
  7. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Strange you should mention MP3 usage there guys. Surprise Surprise, I too had a massive addiction to my mp3player, until i started to suffer hearing damage (i strongly suggest anyone who has used their mp3 player continuously for more than 3 years to go get their hearing checked). Yadayadayada it has been 3 months since i stopped using my iPod and as a side effect, my social-interactiveness has increased quite substantially.

    Day 10

    Mood: 3/10

    Today was a crappy day - that feel when you wake up and know "Ah crap today is gonna suck some serious balls man".

    No real inclination towards fapping, nor any libido, and to make matters worse, i had to lay off gym due to a strained rotator cuff and sore knee joints (too many hill sprints). Anyway, my only real stress outlet is now out of the question until i heal up - grrr. And no more endorphines either :(

    To keep my mind off of anything even vaguely pronz related or negative, i hopped on a bus and rode into town to go buy some useless cellphone accessory. Sitting on the bus i was diagonally across from a strong 8/10. I kept trying to think of a baller way to get her attention (you know, ask her if this is the right stop for blah blah blah - be the dumbsh*t tourist type thing) but i just didn't have it in me. Last time round, i had to wait for about Week 3 before my cojones finally returned, so i guess I'll have to leave my adventurousness to another day.

    At least i got out of the house for a bit. I then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to sort out my website and business plans. So it was lousy, but not too lousy.
     
  8. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 11

    Mood: 5/10

    A better day mood wise. No real temptations for pronz or fap whatsoever, though I'll attribute that to having zero libido. Self esteem was OK, still felt anxious at certain moments. Overall my mood swings feel like that of a teenage girl on the rag - here there and everywhere. Tomorrow i hit the gym once more (or so i hope that my injuries will allow me to) so that is something to look forward to.
     
  9. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 12

    Mood: 5/10

    Better day; stronger libido this morning resulting in morning wood. Many thoughts of porn during day, but managed to resist it all. No gym sadly due to persistent injury, meaning no endorphine release. At the moment i am experiencing some better clarity in terms of thought process. But, i still find my social isolation really affects me in the way in which it puts me into a default negative thought process. When i rebooted at home over Christmas where i was with family and friends, viewing porn was hardly even an issue. Take away your social life and all of a sudden this mountain gets a whole lot harder to climb.

    I'm not sure if it is withdrawal symptoms or just being jaded by age, but i'm just so tired of having to try make conversations work with people here where i live. Rarely is there ever any interest on their behalf about your life and/or goings-on and that it really makes it very hard to establish any friendships of any real depth or value.

    Eh, anyway, one thing i have learned from No-Fap is that persistence is key to everything in life. I must keep going regardless of other people.
     
  10. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 13

    Mood: 7/10

    No real negative feelings today and no urges to fap, though slight urge to look at pronz. I deleted my online dating account to curb any temptations, and also to allow myself to focus on solving my problem first. Anyway, here i am on a Saturday night holed up, but at least this time round i don't feel too lousy. Slowly but surely i am refiguring all of this stuff out; i must just be patient.
     
  11. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 14

    Mood: 1/10

    Man after a week of good steady progress i hit the floor again very hard today. Self esteem was rock bottom, self confidence was very low, and i felt very depressed. Man this topsy turvy stuff is driving me nuts. Walked around the whole day under a cloud of gloom and to top it off, i got dissed by a bunch of teeny-bopper chicks on the way home (yes i know pretty lame, but even so).

    You know, sometimes i really wish i could completely extricate myself from my sexual side for it has caused me nothing but pain and sadness. I go out for walks and i see happy couples together and it drives a sword through my heart knowing what it is i am missing out on, and have missed out on. But you see, its these depressive episodes that have often been the point in my past recovery attempts where i have failed. When my spirit is at its lowest, and the temptation to turn back is enormous, i have always sought to give up rather than persevere. My God, i hope that tomorrow i don't post here saying i f*cked it all up.
     
  12. ssk08

    ssk08 Pointman

    I know how it feels, but it takes just one smile from one woman to change the whole day.
     
  13. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Your hopes are right. Just take it a day at a time. Be strong and see how things turn out tomorrow. I hope all will be well for you. And remember that your days won't suck because your not going to make it suck. Keep us posted.
     
  14. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 15

    Mood: 4/10

    Whilst today was a better day mood wise in comparison to yesterday, i still had it rough. A bad night's sleep followed by a severe urge to check out porn and fap forced me to edge twice, but thankfully, by some act of God, i was able to pull myself back from the edge and gain control, though for how much longer, i have no idea.

    How i want to be free from this, how i wish the voices in my head screaming at me to fap would just shut the fuck up. The fact that i have to come home to an empty apartment at the end of the day just exasterbates this whole thing. Still, i did see some fruits of my sacrifices today: more chatty with my chick friend and with the chicks at gym. Otherwise, its one day at a time.
     
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Do not touch your dick, man.

    And do not take peeks at porn, no matter how short in duration.

    Remember, orgasm is not the problem. The problem is dopamine dysregulation caused by too much porn or masturbation.

    It's actually better to have a quick fap in the shower (with orgasm) than a 2 hour edging session of porn.
     
  16. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    ^Underdog true words man, true words. Touching the old weiner is a definite No-no when one feels susceptible to a fap session.

    Day 16

    Mood: 7/10

    Well, i pulled through last night by some miracle yo. I had to spend the whole night sleeping on my side (cos sleeping on your stomach = blood to weiner = boner). Mood has improved a lot since Sunday, and i am happy to say that it has stabilized more, though i don't know how many more of these Crashes i can handle. Today i was out and about and even said hello to some chick walking around outside my place, but didn't even get a response to a simple "Hi!" - and notasinglefuckwasgiventhatday.jpg

    I installed K9 Anti-Pronz Blocker today and set it to its most anal retentive setting. Seems to be working.
     
  17. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Your doing a great job. Your perseverance will reward you as it did the many men whose goal was to abstain from PMO and succeeded. Remember that each day counts. Consider your attempts to greet random women as a challenge and a practice. Keep us posted! I'm happy that your pulling through!
     
  18. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Thanks for the kind words Harry man. You know, the one really detrimental aspect of PMO is that it teaches you to expect instantaneous gratification, that pleasure should come immediately sans any sacrifice or hard work. God damn, does reality suck man.

    Anyway,

    Day 17

    Mood: 6/10

    An OK day. Quite honestly, more often than not, i wake up thinking "Fuck, another day of this bullshit to contend with" and its strength sapping man. I never know if the next day is going to be a wonderful high, or if its going to suck huge sweaty balls. The thing is, i really don't know if its that my life sucks, or if its PMO withdrawal, or if its a combination of the two.

    One benefit of this recovery i have noticed, is greater perspicacity; i can see things more clearly now than when i actively chose to blind myself, and the really shitty thing is, is that my life's status quo (socially speaking and human-interaction speaking) is lousy. I really miss being able to just talk to someone i can relate to, be it woman or man, instead of always having to overcome the language barrier (my Italian is good, but not good enough to honestly talk about things of substance) and its frustrating. Today i was with my chick friend, a pretty, friendly girl and all i felt was anxiousness about not being able to express my thoughts. Had it been in English it would have been simple, but i find i lock up when i have to speak Italian, and it drives me nuts. I hate having to socialize because everyone else is laughing and balling, and i am there tongue tied grasping for words. ARRGGHHH!!!!

    The only thing that keeps me going through this hell is the hope that it will all be worth it, like Harry said, that somehow breaking free of this crap will take this burden off my back. I remember reading of one dude here who stated that in life, you have to be pro-active, that there is no point in wallowing in self pity, because all it will do is bog you down more in your negative state, and that is 100% true - nothing comes for free in this world man, nothing.
     
  19. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 18

    Mood: 7/10

    Well after yesterday's manic depressive stage, i felt better overall today. The urges i have been waiting for, have returned i.e the urge to go out and drop the maddest game on women left, right and center man, regardless of consequence - feelsgoodman.jpg.

    Some urges to look at pronz, but nothing insurmountable. Having installed the K9 web filter, i have made it even more fap-proof by using a random generated password kept on my remote server (i.e i can't just plug in the password if temptation comes along). Now here is the genius behind the next bit - the password itself is interspersed with other letters meaning that i would have to physically cut and paste 26 letters into a new text file in order to gain access to any porno. Yes, thats pretty much what its devolved to: coming up with convoluted BS to stop myself from fapping - for fuck's sakes man.

    Anyway, almost 3 weeks up on the board. God willing i keep going.
     
  20. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper New Member

    Day 19

    Mood: 4/10

    What can i say? Again with the topsy-turvy bipolar BS. I was happy in the morning, but come afternoon, i suddenly started having these lousy negative thoughts bombarding me again. I have been trying to figure out what my triggers are. Everytime i venture out, i find that i get very self conscious and BAAM my self esteem takes a serious hit at the slightest incident. Eh, i am struggling here man, not so much with fighting the urge to PMO, but just to be hopeful about the future.

    Reading what Harry wrote at the beginning of my journal, its critical to have that sense of hope for the future, in the sense that things will change and that by removing pronz, that hopefully that void will be filled with something deeper. Perhaps this is just my isolation and loneliness playing tricks on my mind, but whatever it is, it is playing heavily on my mind. The thing is, i can fight the urges given the belief that it will produce something beneficial in the end, but its when that hope goes that i suddenly think "oh well fuck it" and go back to my old ways.

    I realize these posts are all fairly depressing and negative at this stage, but i feel this is the only real place i can let my thoughts out. The few people i meet out and about think i am a strong, happy go lucky dude, but inside i am suffering man; this stuff is really taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally. I just hope i am strong enough to pull through it all, and not have to go through it ever again.
     

Share This Page