My New Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by pornaddict4646, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Okay, so here's my story, which I've never told anyone...

    I'm in my mid-40's, married with two kids, and have been using porn to masturbate since I was 10 or 11. I was home sick from school one day and found a couple of hardcore porn magazines in the nightstand next to my parents bed. A few years later, I got regular access to Playboy, and would masturbate to that. When I started driving, I would go to a Newstand and buy porn magazines. I'd hide them between my mattress and box springs. Looking back on it, I'm sure my Mom knew they were there, but hey, I was a teenage boy.

    Then, in college I had a stash of porn magazines I'd hide from my roommate, and would masturbate when he wasn't around. After college, I had a live-in girlfriend and would buy or rent VHS porn movies. Even then, I always wanted to have more, more, more, and would want the 4-hour compilations, not actual movies with stories. After I broke up with that girlfriend, I got a new one, who found my stash when she cleaning my apartment as a surprise gift to me. She laughed it off. I felt like a pervert but quickly got over it. Then, I started renting 5 movies at a time from a place that had a special where you could kept them for several days.

    Then, came dial-up internet. My girlfriend and I lived together, and if she wasn't around, I'd immediately start downloading porn. One time she left, and came back 5 minutes later because she forgot something, she caught me. It wasn't such a laugh then, and caused a serious problem in our relationship. I promised to give it up, and did for a very short period, but then started again.

    Then, after we were married we had a relatively young guest over the house who was using our computer. I had forgotten to clean up the history after downloading porn, and they found it. This almost caused the breakup of my marriage to her. I again promised to stop, and did for awhile, until I started again.

    Then, we got high speed internet, and things got much worse. Anytime I was alone, I searched out porn and masturbated. If I was working at home, I masturbated. If my wife was downstairs, I masturbated. Sometimes if I got up really early. My need for more and more extreme porn was increasing. But, we were still having sex regularly. But, one time I was surfing and innocently came across some porn with girls of a very questionable age. This affected me greatly at the time, and I actually did suffer some ED for a few weeks.

    Over the past couple of years, things seem to have really gotten out of control. I'd say about 5 years ago, the frequency of our sex went down to 1-2x month, then 1x/month, then once every couple of months. I started experiencing occasional ED, and her feelings got hurt several times when I lost my erection having sex. She also caught me again as I didn't erase all my internet browsing tracks on my computers.

    We haven't had sex in 8 or 9 months, and I know I wouldn't be able to perform. In fact, I wanted to "check in" to see if I could still get it up without having to deal with performance anxiety, so went for a few "massages" with happy endings. Things were definitely not fine.

    My wife travels regularly, so I'm on my own probably 2 days/week on average. When she's not around, I generally put the kids in front of the TV, and go upstairs to masturbate. I also masturbate before going to bed, and sometimes when waking up. I've known I'm a porn addict for some time, and have tried to give it up. I know if I continue to do this my wife will catch me again, and I'll eventually lose my family. I want to stop.

    I found the Your Brain On Porn website, and it was the first thing I'd seen that makes sense. I don't want people preaching god and jesus at me, and I found a rational, science based explanation for what is going on with me. It doesn't excuse the behavior, just helps me to understand it, and how to stop.

    So, here I am: mid-40s, loving wife, two great kids, successful in my job, but a porn addict. I want to make love to my wife again. We have lost any intimacy or closeness, we are basically like a brother/sister bringing up two children. She hasn't said a lot about it, but she knows something is going on. I really, really want to break my porn addiction.

    Today I start my reboot.
  2. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, man!

    Welcome here and good luck in jour journey!
    You did the first step and I feel you have a strong determination to go on.
    You ll find a huge support at this forum.
    Try to introduce new habits in your life. It will help you.
    Read other journals.

    I just can say to you that I am concentrated on the daily progress. Step by step.

    And good luck!
  3. hohuakiri

    hohuakiri Guest

    Hey mate. Good to see you've acknowledged your problem and that you wanna do something about it. Everyone on the forum is really supportive and positive which is a big help. Im a single bloke but their are alot of guys here that have wives/kids/families so Im sure you'll find other stories that you can relate too.

    Have you got rid of your porn yet? If not, throw it away. It's not good to have temptations around. Also, install a web filter program to block pornography. I installed K9 and it works great. It works with a password so maybe you could give the password to your wife for safe keeping?

    Good luck on your journey.
  4. atl6245

    atl6245 New Member

    I thought I was reading my own journal for a minute there. I hope and pray that you get a handle on this quickly and save your marriage. You have violated your wife's trust; just as I did with mine. You've got to make specific steps to earn it back. You've got to block all access to any porn. I signed up with Integrityonline for my ISP and they block things on their end. I would have to change ISP's to get porn access back. I strongly encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in internet/sex addictions. This was one of the best things I did. He helped me discover triggers and rituals that led to my use and then establish "fire drills" to help combat these things. One of the hardest things you're going to need to do I go to her and tell her that you know you have an addiction. Be prepared to show her if she doesn't believe it. Then you explain your plan for getting better. Blocking access, therapy, lifestyle changes, etc. She is going to be stunned and upset; but when she sees you doing what you said you would do, you'll be suprised how supportive she will be. I had the same use pattern you did. I am 42 and have been married for 20 years. I struggled since 2003 trying to quit; but I did not have the information that you do from I discovered it back in June and it helped arm me with the information I needed. I have been over 60 days without porn or masturbation. I never thought I could go that long. But it has been totally worth it. The love making with my wife has been outstanding. It has not been easy. I still get the old cravings sometimes; but I am better equiped to handle it. It truly saddens me to hear the position you are in. There is hope. If you are truly sick of all this, you can free yourself from the slavery of PMO and that's what it is. You are a slave to it. Freedom is just around the corner. All you have to do is reach for it. Keep coming to this forum and reading. There is great wisdom on this forum.
    Good luck and God bless (I am not preaching at you- I really mean it).
  5. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Thanks for the supportive words everyone. I hope to pay it forward someday. It's actually great to know that I'm not alone in this. I've thought "it must just be me" for decades.

    I'm not ready to let me wife in on this, maybe it's wishful thinking, but we've had such run ins with my porn viewing over that years that if she knows this is still going on, despite all my promises to the contrary, it could create a very significant problem. I feel like there is definitely a time to bring her in, but I've first got to make progress and get my head clear.

    Also, I didn't mean to offend anyone with my religious comments. It's just that until I found Your Brain on Porn, the only sites I found that offered help for porn addiction were religious in nature, and I truly thought there was nothing out there that spoke to me.
  6. atl6245

    atl6245 New Member

    I understand about your not wanting to tell your wife. It's scary. Just keep in mind that she has suffered emotionally from your addiction. She probably feels totally inadequate, unattractive and may believe she's the probably. At best, if she suspects you are still using porn; she is confused and angry because she can understand why she's not good enough for you.

    What have you done to eliminate your access to porn?
  7. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Hi Atl6245 - Honestly, not sure yet. I have so much internet access with multiple devices, both in my home and portable, that I'm not sure how I'd completely cut myself off.

    Someone else referred to K9, I'm going to check that out this evening.
  8. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    You are very fortunate to find YBOP, as are the rest of us. I too wanted to find the info to confirm the ED came from none other, than porn! I also discovered porn at 9-10, I discovered masturbation at 12, I began masturbating to nude pics online that time, and then came masturbation to porn @ 13. I'd been on and off porn for years, my parents and my little brother have caught me jerking off to porn, I'd said I'd quit, but then I'd end up going back. It was so addicting! I never realized I had the ED until last late November, when one time I was watching a college sex video, and I couldn't get hard even jerking off to it!

    The O was definitely out of the question. I'm lucky I've never been engaged in any sexual activity, because sex would've been out of the question, because I definitely wouldn't be able to get it up with real women, even with Viagra or Cialis (neither I tried), but masturbating to porn already came first, before I started dating, which never worked out shortly, nobody offered me to have sex, I certainly didn't have the guts to initiate it.. I even didn't find normal girls attractive until I started giving up porn recently. I might be single, and I'm almost 21, but I'm glad porn is no longer an option or even a problem for me, even being single doesn't make it ok to use porn. But you, you're lucky you still have your wife, and you're certainly lucky to quit porn before it's too late. You got a good thing ahead of you in the future. Don't forget that.

    I wish you the best of luck, man.
  9. atl6245

    atl6245 New Member

    Good. You may have to do some radical things for a while (remember this is a serious addiction). I had to give up my tablet computer for several months. It was just too tempting. :( Start writing a journal everyday, especially record the situations where you might have slipped/relapsed. You've got to become familiar with your triggers. You won't believe what small, stupid things can be triggers. For example, I realized I needed to change my home landing page on my browser to something very plain like Bloomberg. MSN was my landing page and I would sometimes see a picture (hot celebrity in a knock out dress on the Red Carpet) or an article (fill in your favorite hot celebrity posses for Playboy!) and I would get curious and go looking for the picture. Next thing I new I had wasted 2 hours on! I was suprised how much changing something like that helped lower my temptations. Bottom line is that it is imperative that you discover your triggers and plan ways to eliminate or minimize them. Also, beware of boredom. Just being on the net surfing around with no real purpose is a huge pitfall for most of us. As I always say- be on the net for specific purpose and then get off the net. The less time you spend on the net the better.
  10. risefromtheashes

    risefromtheashes New Member

    Thanks for commenting on my journal. I am glad me and you can be at the same stage of this reboot and go throughout the process together. [edited].

    Your life is about to completely change. At first it may be a little uncomfortable (or a lot of uncomfortable). But in a relatively short period of time you will start to see changes. You will begin to feel a difference in your life. It doesn't take long to start to see some gains. Be excited for those improvements. Share them hear. I can't wait to hear about it and how your relationship (not talking sexual) with your wife and family improves as a result.
  11. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    24 hours done. I think one of things that "triggers" my desire to PMO is when I have a little time alone, it is such an ingrained habit to be sneaky. Goes back decades to my teenage years. Back then, there were a lot of things that were part of a double life: lots of pot smoking, some (not much) drinking, climbing out my window after parents were asleep to party with my friends, sleeping with my the girlfriend my parents didn't approve of, and pulling out my hidden porn stash.

    I don't do any of those things anymore, except the porn.
  12. atl6245

    atl6245 New Member

    One thing you are probably going to experience at some time in your reboot is a feeling of loneliness and isolation; even in a house full of people. This is completely normal because you have elimated something that has been a "friend" to you for a long time. It has probably become a coping mechanism. Think of some healthy ways to redirect that feeling. Maybe you want have it too bad or at all; but if you do, remember its a normal part of the process.

    Good luck.
  13. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Day 4 Completed ---

    Don't have much desire for porn. Been thinking a lot about the information on YBOP. Wish I had known the impacts it was having on my brain. Now I know better, I'll do better.
  14. risefromtheashes

    risefromtheashes New Member

    YBOP was seriously the missing piece to my puzzle. I have been looking for it desperately for the last 15 years. It was an answer to prayer for me. Even though I have relapsed since finding it I knew things would never be the same again. I am doing much better and I am sure my porn use will never be the same again. Things just feel different.

    Congrats on four days my friend. Keep on going.
  15. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Day 8 with no porn. But, I did MO this morning. It was sad, limp dick and all. Felt like I wanted to relieve some of the pressure, but wasn't really worth it. Really cements in what I've done to myself.

    As with some others here, I don't think I'm going to have as a hard a time giving up the porn, as the O's. I've read others accounts that it takes longer for the reboot if you continue to MO? Do others have direct experience with this?
  16. idonthaveausername

    idonthaveausername New Member

    Well there is certainly no evidence suggesting that it will speed up the process. You can tell that yourself, when you did MO you made some of the exact same connections in your brain as you did when using P. Arguing against that, would be that of an addict.

    I think the rational conclusion, considering your years of addiction, would be a complete PMO reboot. You have a lot on the line and I really hope to see you progress successfully. You owe that to yourself and your family. Best of luck from here!
  17. 19anon99

    19anon99 Guest

    What a powerful story you have. I was able to relate on so many levels. It just shows how much of an addiction this is... even with a wonderful, loving family on the line we have continued these behaviors. That's the thing about addiction... it doesn't make sense to the rational mind. We will feed our addiction at the most inopportune times... when it seems like nobody would ever do it at that time. And no matter how much pain we suffer as a result we always come back to it, telling ourselves that things might somehow be different this time. That's the insanity of addiction.

    I too would masturbate at nearly every possible opportunity that I had. I know today that masturbation can NOT be a part of my recovery. First, it'll prevent my ED symptoms from subsiding. Additionally, if I continue it I know that I will eventually go back to porn, no matter how "in the clear" I may feel from it at times. In order to recover I need to completely change my habits. For me porn will always lead to masturbation and masturbation will always, inevitably, lead back to porn.

    So for me I find the times when I am alone to be the most dangerous. The things that I have done to make sure I don't PMO during that time are...
    1. Update my journal here.
    2. Read other member's journals or other threads from here.
    3. Read from YBOP.
    **I typically don't allow myself much more than 30 mins at a time to do those things though. Alone in the house, in front of a computer is not an ideal place for me to be.**
    4. Get out of the house!
    5. Get myself around people... force myself to make an attempt to be social (as feeble as those attmpts may seem sometimes). This disease wants me isolating in the house, in front of the computer, away from any social activity... so I have to get away from those patterns.
    6. Exercise
    7. Meditate (I'm trying anyway)
    8. Reading about meditation and mindfulness
    9. Drive around with calming/soothing music on. The Spa station on Sirius actually helps, lol.

    You may wanna try some of these things. Heck you could even try taking your kids out somewhere fun... a movie or something. Or go buy your wife a gift or flowers. Something to show her that you love her. Those types of things will help you keep what is important in mind and reinforce why you are doing this (recovery) to begin with.

    Good luck. Remember that you are not alone in this struggle!
  18. 19anon99

    19anon99 Guest

    How ya doin man? Been looking for updates from you...
  19. Primetime

    Primetime New Member

    I really hope you've been back on the right track the last couple of days. My experience with MO is that.. it kind of softens the road to P. It's a slippery slope.

    I always, for example, have a hard time when I have wet dreams.. ( I actually had never had one in my life, until I stopped PMO ).. something snaps in me and I get really hard cravings for MO. Then when I MO I think.. "What the hell.. Just once with P!".. Usually it ends up with atleast a handfull of PMO sessions. So, try to avoid it is my advice.
  20. pornaddict4646

    pornaddict4646 New Member

    Thanks for the kind words and keeping me in your thoughts, all.

    I've been really busy so haven't had much time to post on this board.

    I've generally had little desire to P, nor to MO. A couple of times I was alone and wanted to start surfing the Internet for porn, but I think that it's because I have a long term behavioral pattern, not really because I was horny. A couple of limited instances I felt horny as hell, but with no erection, not sure what that is

    Other than that, I must be in what others are describing as the flatlining stage, cause aside for a few in the middle of the night having to pee erections, I've got what someone else described as "swimming pool" penis. Kinda scary, I'm worried it'll never come back.

    Another reason I've limited my time on this board is that this whole porn ED problem is a mind-fuck. So, when I see others that have come back after a couple of weeks, I get depressed because that certainly appears not to be the case for me. Conversely, when I read the stories about other that have gone well beyond the 120 days with little improvement, I get even more depressed, and start to think "what's the point". Basically, I want to obsess about it as little as possible. Kind of a fine line. I'm sure others have experienced this as well.

    Take care.

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