My Lucky Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ejb65, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. genxmojo

    genxmojo New Member

    Cheers to you ejb65. I like your approach to be committed, but understanding that the recovery may not be perfect. 87% is pretty damn good! I hope I do as well when I'm that far along. :)
     
  2. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    i'm starting to lapse back into peeking at P and this will stop my brain rewiring.
    I read a good success story at: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=25215.msg427543#msg427543
    that stressed not peeking at porn.
    I suspect it is pretty common to first go through a phase where you deal with PMO and work on stopping that, and then the second phase to stop then just peeking at porn. It is understandable as your first stop PMO, but then you are left with P and not going through to MO so need
    to stop P need next. So i will try and keep track of P separately to PMO. Generaly i have better success during the week than weekends at the moment.
     
  3. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    84 P-free out of 99 (86%)

    I'm just gong to count P-free days now. If i peek or PMO then it doesn't count.

    Currently i can go P free and no peeking monday to friday as i just need to handle 6pm to 10pm after work as i say to myself - just 4 hours you can do it.
    Weekends are the problem as by 6pm i'm had all day to deal with. Also because I'm doing P-free relatively easily Mon to Fri i have not built up the willpower for the weekend. I've been getting slack at meditation. I need to plan a meditation time just like i do my 10min exercise everyday. So how to do it? i don't really fancy getting up 20mins earlier to do meditation. Maybe i need to do in evening. I'm going to apply the slight edge principle that says just make small changes. If i can do 20mins meditation everyday that will be fantastic and will help with my weekend willpower.
    also need to do mini-meditation with I get a spare moment to help build up the willpower.
     
  4. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    This will sound a bit obvious, but here goes: just don't peek. Nothing good will happen if you do. So don't.

    I'm done with the advice now.
     
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    ejb65 - I would really encourage you to make a decision about eliminating masturbation from your life. You keep on mentioning that you would like to reduce it but it seems that is all you do. Consider this:

    Masturbation is linked to your porn habit. Your brain has them coursing through the same channels and is not really differentiating them when it is getting turned on.

    When you masturbate to make you feel better, you may be avoiding dealing with difficult emotions. Difficult emotions are triggers for porn use. Masturbation could be one of your techniques for self-medicating your life's problems. Porn and masturbation could both just be your escape mechanisms.

    Frequent masturbation has an effect of your penis' skin sensitivity. This could effect your enjoyment of sex with your wife, when it happens, and you may find that your penis will have to resort to fantasy because that is its surefire route to orgasm. This could be a real problem if you have any anxiety due to ED and need to "make sure" you can function.

    You don't have to feed your brain's desire for quick / easy / on-demand orgasms.

    You might have guessed that I think that masturbation is bad for us guys. I really don't differentiate between the P and the MO. I've found most of these points above to be true about myself.
     
  6. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    94 P-free out of 113 (87%)

    Doing well now, just the odd peek and i recover ok from it and dont peek the following day. not peeking 5 out of 7 days so just will try to push that up to 7 in the future!!!

    Unfortunately i don't agree with the in MO advice. (Actually I don't agree with advice at all - I think it is better to share experiences and let each of us figure out our way to where we want to go. -)). I'm alot more open about MO with my wife now and don't mind if she is with me. I think i will always have higher sexual needs than my wife so I think meeting some of them with MO is ok. I don't think MO is bad, that is too puritanical thinking for me. Ofcourse excessive MO is bad, just like excessive drinking, eating, exercise etc is bad....so the question is what is excessive. -)

    In my blog i'm just recording my progress for myself. In fact i'm not trying to concentrate on P very much, rather trying to focus on other areas of my life. So if i fail occasionally that is not a big deal. This way i don't have big willpower battles with P. Increasingly i don't think about P at all. So i'm not having a big battle with P anymore. In a way i have already won the battle as I am now in control of my thoughts, P is not in control anymore, only when i slip up some times and let it back in. Hopefully that will become less and less this year. I'm hoping but noone is perfect and in fact perfection is not the objective.... -)
     
  7. Nofapado

    Nofapado Guest

    Ejb65 , this post resonates with me. I agree with your thoughts on M. For me M without O, without fantasy with good awareness is a good healthy experience. Also P it is not really a battle for me anymore. There really is no one way to approach these aspects of life. And it is too easy to be rigid once behaviors change. Every man needs to do what works for himself.
     
  8. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I've never even heard one man on these forums talk about not masturbating from a puritanical point of view. I think that was a poorly chosen word. But fair enough, masturbation is not a problem for you. But don't think that all masturbation is equal or all guys are the same.

    Excessive masturbation is when you use masturbation to relieve stress because you are unable to deal with your emotions or life, to help numb yourself. It is unhealthy when it is a trigger that leads to chronic edging, looking at porn, and escalation of your thrill-seeking self-stimulation. Masturbation is a problem when it is something you have to do, automatically, habitual. It is a significant problem for many of the guys here. Don't discount these ideas generically.
     
  9. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    Agreed. My position on MO is very similar to an alcoholic's approach to drinking: some people may be able to do it without addiction, but not me.
     
  10. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    124 P-free out of 172 (72%)

    Had to go overseas to visit my parents for over a month. Unfortunately got out of my routines so regressed a bit.
    As per previous posts suggestions I tried to focus more on trying to stop MO as well as P but this didn't really work for me. I think that reducing MO will be necessary and i hope that i can do this in the next few months.

    So i'm back focusing on getting rid of P. Had hypnotherapy which was helpful. Going to try more deep breathes when i get the urge for P. Back at work, doing my daily exercise and trying to get more mindfulness meditation done. Doing this i can not use P from Mon to Friday but i usually have a miss on one of the weekend days so doing 6 days out of 7).

    I find P is a bit like a chronic illness it just keeps coming back and is hard to get rid of. But i believe one can get to a point where you forget about P and it is gone. My relationship with my wife is good. We have no conflicts over this and she just tries to be supportive without interfering which is about the best you can want.

    Anyway life is still alot better than before, although sometimes it doesn't feel like it. However on many levels - my wife, children, work, home I have a very lucky life compared to most people on this planet and i should be grateful.
     
  11. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Have not posted for over a year but still been working away at it. Just found that blogging wasn't that useful.
    I have continued on my exercise program and using meditation and reading widely on the internet about relationships, psychology etc as my emphasis widen as i tried to sort myself out.

    After i stopped using my PC for porn for a couple of months I don't used my PC for porn anymore. I have found it takes about 2 months to develop new habits.

    I stopped using pornography addictively i.e. repeatedly and now still use it a few times a week on my phone. My next task is to stop that and become porn free.

    I also don't masturbation addictively - average once a day and will now try to reduce to 2-3 times a week.

    Sex is gradually improving with my wife and i am orgasming in sex. trying to have sex weekly.

    I'm gradually teaching myself real sex is better than fake porn sex.

    I like the analogy of a person navigating by the stars. He will never reach the stars but he still follows them for navigation purposes. I will maybe never be total perfect in the sex life that i would like to achieve but it doesn't stop me navigating by the stars and trying to get there.

    Anyway in this you need to think long term like several years. You need to do trial and error and see what works for you to reduce and eliminate porn. everyone is different. Also it won't go to plan. Some things won't work and other things will surprise you as you make progress that you didn't anticipate.

    My life is imperfect but its still lucky....
     
  12. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I've found using the Slight Edge approach very helpful http://slightedge.org/.
    Instead of just trying to stop using porn and masturbation, what i did was break it up into smaller step that i could tackle.
    I found it takes about 2 months to get a new habit established and easy to do.
    The hardest thing is actually figuring out the small step rather than actually doing it. It sometimes has taken me several months to figure out the step.
    First steps were using meditation and doing daily exercise.
    Next step was to stop using porn on my laptop although i still used it on my phone. This reclaimed my laptop as porn-free. I haven't used porn my laptop for over 6 months now and now i can use it and not even think of using porn.
    The next step was not using porn at night. It has been over 2 months now since i used porn at night and now i sleep well and have reclaimed my sleep and night as porn free.
    Next step is to figure out how to how to stop using it in the day. My desire to use porn is much reduced but i'm still figuring out how to do that step.
     
  13. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Well i have been successful in stopping using porn.
    It was the accumulated of a series of short-term success over 3 year and 2 months using the slight edge approach that it mention on this website.
    I actually found it better to forget about the long-term. just concentrating on each short-term improvement meant the long-term objective happened automatically.
    That's amazing any big thing is possible if you just break it down into a series of small things and concentrate on just doing each small thing.
    Haven't used porn at all this year 2018 and its been easy now. I feel a bit weird saying that but it happened...amazing....
    So this thread is now closed and amazingly i can say I have been successfully.....still can't quite believe it.
     
  14. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    That’s great. Good on you. I find your approach to be very practical. I have never managed to just crash through and to suddenly become much better than I am at present. Instead I aim for small improvements and building small successes. That works for me. I have not used pornography for 28 days now. But that success is built on the preceding year of winding it back.
     
  15. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Well I spent 3 years working on it but i stopped using pornography completely this year and its easy now. Don't even think about it.

    But the process was tough at times. 3 things i found useful.

    1. the website http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/

    2. The book The slight edge. I used the techniques to break down changes in a series of "easy to do easy not to" steps. each step took about 2 months to achieve. First example the first step was to stop using porn at night. Then next after work etc etc.

    3. Mindfulness Meditation. I found listening to mindfulness meditation tapes helped to relax me and calm me down as i was trying to match changes. Helps when you fail and need to keep going.

    Hope this is helpful.
     
  16. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I feel like an athlete who trained for 3 years and then won a gold medal and then came home to realise it all over. its funny like a post-success low. I'm told it's like the boredom that alcoholics experience after quitting. I think when this happens you have been successful.
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your example of an athlete is a good one. Marathoners feel this, too. The big event is over and now what? Marathoners usually start training for another one and then another. Quitting something is different, because we don't necessarily have something to fill the void that PMO did. I like to think that once we are free of P and M that organically good things will fill it. I believe this to be largely true, but acknowledge that we must also find other things, things that edify us, to push forward. Quitting P is an awesome and necessary goal, but it isn't enough. As many successful rebooters have said, we are really transforming ourselves.

    I don't have any answers, but I do know that action begets actions. The more of the little things I do (the slight edge) the better I feel, and, the closer, I believe I get to real center of myself. We've completed one marathon and now we must climb Everest. The joy/hope/happiness is in the climbing.

    Congrats brother on breaking free!
     

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