My Lucky Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ejb65, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. Syd

    Syd New Member

    Your honesty is impressive, ejb. I don't think I'm even as honest with myself in my own head as you are on these pages!

    Anyway, keep up the good work.
     
  2. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 29 - nearly a month without P. Temptation to replace P with escorts. Working hard with my friends to hold me to account to not do this.
    Had great emotional response to sharing with one of my closest old friends. Finished the slight edge book.
    On suggestion from gracie going to do karezza without genital touching and ordered Love You, Hate the Porn book to help my wife and i
     
  3. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 30 - I think and feel everything in place now for a successful reboot.
    -No P or desire for P
    -Made big decision not to use escorts and to get accountability from "friend" on forum.
    -Desire to M reducing down to every 2 days now. Hope to get lower.
    -Starting to do karezza with my wife. This is the most important thing to get back to sexual relationship with my wife. My wife and I have no conflict on this but it will need patience from me which is my natural instinct.
    -Doing sport and exercise bike daily
    So just need to adopt the slight edge principles on this. do easy thing every day. Don't look for immediate results. Know that if i keep going results with follow.
    Have nervous feeling in stomach, instead of desire now, which is probably good thing. Just need time to plod along and do all these little things every day and i will have success. I'm sure of it. "Do the thing, and you will have power" -)
     
  4. arcanaut

    arcanaut New Member

    "day 12 - a bit sad today. getting rid of P in my life seems to have left me with no sex life."

    Just wanted to note there is no way you can say this at day 12. Or day 20. Or day 30. Or day 60.

    You might say "no sex life for the moment" or "no sex life for this month" but the benefits of stopping porn show up in multiple ways over time. Some of which can be attractive to your spouse. Be patient.

    But beyond that, quitting the P brings lots of other benefits over time. A general urge to self improvement. Since I first starting going no PMO several years ago, I've relapsed a dozen+ times, but the overall thrust has been more and more self improvement. I lost a lot of weight. I exercise much more. I'm in much better shape. I'm more productive and more alpha at work.

    The thing I discovered during relapses was my timing for relapse was almost always awful. Relapse, fall back into it for a week, and then suddenly a great opportunity for sex happened that I would have never in a million years anticipated, and I can barely perform, if at all.

    Also, I might add that masturbating to videos of woman on the Internet isn't actually a "sex life". It's just feeding a dopamine based addiction.
     
  5. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Joskin that is true. For any addict (porn, drugs, gambling) we must have started it at first because it gave up pleasure and enjoyment but then it became a monster and tried to consume us. So when we get the monster of our back we still miss the early reason for starting this addiction, ie pleasure etc so that's what we mourn i think. Ofcourse I didn't mourn for long. after a i realised life is way better without P it was no going back.
     
  6. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 32 - had quite a good erection with my wife today doing Karezza so will next try to start some small amounts of penerative sex. Gracie suggest i go a bit slower on this but i'm a bit impatient on fixing problems. When i really get committed to dealing with a problem I tend to really go at it 100%. I think that is a good quality of mine. -)
     
  7. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 32 - So much for saying that everything was in place for reboot on day 30. Today was probably the most emotional day i have had and probably the most significant.

    I told my wife about wanting a full sex life with giving and receiving oral sex, full body massage, weekend away everything.
    I asked her why she did not want any sex the last 15 years. She didn't really have an answer apart from
    being busy with the children. I told her how much it hurt me to have so little sex the last 15 years. I basically cried uncontrollable for half an hour and told her how it destroyed me and my wife finally got this and said she was sorry. It was good to release lots of emotion. Ofcourse i'm angry with myself for not do this 10 to 15 years ago, instead of screwing myself with porn.
    Also my wife says that she wants to be close to me and cuddly etc and that this should then lead to more intimacy and sex and she will try the sexual things i suggest like oral sex etc.

    I think this is a big tuning point as my wife is now involved and we can try fix things now. Also really big step in opening up to each other saying what we want for sex. We also realise we have BOTH made big mistakes in our sex life the last 15 years and that we BOTH need to fix it.
     
  8. Syd

    Syd New Member

    Congratulations on breaking through the one-month mark! Sounds like you are making progress, and the emotion you're feeling is a testimony to how powerful it is. Keep up the good work!
     
  9. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 33 - thanks Syd for the encouragement.

    A friend from forum gave me a dating book for singles that says, make yourself attractive by how you look and your actions and get her to want to have sex with you to help me with relationship with my wife.

    So i think instead of trying to have sex with my wife, I want to make her aroused so SHE wants to have sex with me. So i will just touch her and whisper to help to get her aroused. So i will not take off her clothes she needs to want to take her own clothes off, i will look for her grabbing my hand and wanting to touch me and get on top. And i will not insert my penis she will have to grab it and insert it. What i will do is try and arouse her so she wants sex with me. I have tried this a bit and it seems to work so see how i go.
     
  10. Gracie

    Gracie Member

    Good for you! And as you see, you are turning away from porn and turning towards your wife. Sometimes when we do not want to make love, it is because it is just sex. An outlet. When we feel you truly want us and desire us, we want you too. Making love is about the oxytocin from cuddling and touching. This is the key. This is the connection glue. The more oxytocin you get through the Kareeza type actvities and just touching closeness the more the body wants to respond in other healthy ways.

    With my husband, I thought we were resigned to being room-mates in our later years. Then I discovered the porn use. And I knew why there was no desire, only the "I'm horny" translation: I am tired of my hand. Once he stopped and we went through the hell of his withdrawal, we now have more sex than when we were first married. But the work was tough for us both. So keep working!
     
  11. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 36 - had an interesting dream. i usually don't remembe dreams.

    I was with somone else we both had surfboards. There were canals in a city. We both jumped into the water and paddled our board.
    the water was full of shit, used condoms and pills like an open sewer. I said to the other person we need to be careful as we can get illnesses.
    after paddling 2 parts of the canal i said to the other person. I cannot do anymore of this. I have to get out.

    it is sort of my sub-conscious saying i cannot do porn anymore so an amazing dream. Shows you have deep these things go -)
     
  12. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 37 - good news have my next contract - 6 months starting monday on a very good daily rate.

    bad news is i partially relapsed today. All this news about naked celebs mean i foolishly searched for it and then the site was not blocked by my web filter so saw a few pictures (not naked celebrities though -). Didn't technically PMO but i'm not really doing a counter like others.
    I think relapse is going to happen with this P stuff as it is takes awhile to forget all this stuff after using for a number of years.

    Still trying to work on repairing sexual relationship. at the moment i wake at 4am and feel like sex but my wife is fast asleep. She needs her eight hours. We also still have a teenage daughter at home. So we need to figure out time for sex.
     
  13. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    I know this sounds contrived, but you might want to actually schedule it.
     
  14. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Had a relapse last night. I guess over a month with no PMO was a good effort. I'm just annoyed because it was caused by me not setting up
    the web filtering right. Ofcourse debugging a web filter is really bad because the only way to test is to try and go to porn sites and
    check if it stops you. Anyway figured out it was my DNS settings so I fixed them and it is working again now. I just find web flitering very helpful
    because if i stray it stops the dopamine addict taking over. I felt a bit like a fox discovering the hen house was unlocked.

    I told my wife and she was supportive and she told me not to beat myself up so much. I thought about triggers and don't think it was stress
    or my success at getting a new contract just bad luck that my logical front brain was not as fast as the dopamine internal brain.

    Also annoyingly my wife asked me (for the first time in 10 years) when can we have sex. O dear this relapse will have set me back a few days
    before i can do this. Still looks like my plan to play it cool and try and get my wife to want to have sex with me (just like a single dating guy) is working.
    Anyway i will keep thinking in the 'slight edge' fashion that failure is not bad, just keep doing "easy to do things each day" and eventually the results will happen.

    BTW, thanks lightning man, nice to see other folks concern for me. -) - yes we have talked about scheduling it. I think the best time will be in evening before we go to sleep as long as we are not too tired or Sat or Sun mornings. I will log progess. I look forward to be able to log an entry saying "had sex with wife, which was great" or even just was a poor first attempt. -)

    On the exercise front, successfully doing 10 min on exercise bike to raise heart rate and playing sport once and week and my weight is down from 78kg to 72kg. My target weight is around 70kg so i might have to start to eat more soon. -)
     
  15. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    I think once you start peeking and edging you know a relapse is around the corner, my problem after a relapse was that I would tell myself OK I can relapse the next day too I've done the damage now.

    Really respect how you talk to your wife about this. I have the opposite problem my wife is interested and I have no libido. I have always found, back when I had my libido that if I asked my partner if they want a massage the answer was never no, and that often led to intimacy.

    Anyway just wanted to greet a fellow Londoner and congrats on the work contract.
     
  16. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 1 - first try at sex with my wife is problematic. The good news is I had a good lasting erection so not using P and reduced MO is working.
    bad news is my wife had vagina pain when attempting intercourse despite using cream so I can not have full intercourse and O.
    This lead me later to do PMO but my wife was understanding.
    We discussed this second problem and agreed to try sex fri or sat night for next 4 weeks to see if an improvement and if not then my
    wife need to take responsibility to sort something out about it.

    Back to day 1 again. Need to start again. What worked for 30 days was not thinking about P, not viewing P on computer and MO every few days
    but not thinking about P. I will try and get back to this.
    Anyway now have 2 problems - me stopping using P and my wife getting to point where sex is not painful. This is a disappointing
    development but life ain't easy as they say.
     
  17. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    I'm sorry for this turn of events and hope you and the wife work this out.
     
  18. Gracie

    Gracie Member

    ejb65 how are things going? Please let us know. A setback is just that. It does not mean you cannot move forward. Hope you are doing ok.
     
  19. Syd

    Syd New Member

    Hey ejb, sorry to hear that things didn't work out as planned. You're laying the proper foundation and your wife sounds supportive, so you've definitely got that going for you. Will keep my fingers crossed for ya.

    As others have pointed out, a relapse is not the end of the world. Speaking from personal experience, I had a good first month, fell off the wagon, and recommitted to it after some ups and downs. Now I'm a few days past a month. The second time around hasn't necessarily been easier from a physical standpoint, but on the mental side I am wiser, thanks to the ongoing advice and support here.

    Keep at it, bud.
     
  20. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    thanks for the encouragement. I am working now on a contract so have less time to post. Will probably post weekly.
    -My wife is now used to us cuddling in bed evening, morning and sometimes in the middle of the night so that is a great habit to have.
    -She i giving me oral sex and hj and will try penetrative sex tonight again.
    -A good friend i have made of the forum who is younger than me but further on the rebooting process has been a great help to me.
    -I realised this week that is is good to feel horny. I think in the past i suppressed these feelings and when they arose I though quickly MO to deal with them. This week I decided that feeling horny is great and to let out those feelings and acknowledge them. So they can flooding out to me over the days and it is even ok to be horny 24/7. These feelings actually are good because they give you sexual energy which you can express with your partner. So my plan now is to let out all these feelings. Don't rush to MO to deal with them but enjoy the feeling as it will give me sexual energy when i am with my wife. I think this is a big revelation to me.
    -Doing my 10 mins on exercise bike each morning which means i am a trim 72kg now and aim to keep it that way.
    -It will take awhile for MO to subside in the regime but I will just keep trying to do small steps "slight edge" style.
    -I'm once again not finding it that hard to stay away from P after a big relapse but i guess that was just part of getting to a new revelation about the whole arousal,sex process.
     

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