My Lucky Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ejb65, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I am in my mid-50s and have really had a lucky life so far although not problem free.

    In my mid-20s I had a serious nervous breakdown when several events all come together to cause it.
    One of the causes was porn addiction but the real causes were low self-esteem and fear of being alone.
    I was very lucky as i had counselling from one of the best psychologists in the country and i guess
    accepted myself alot and understood myself alot better although i did not change myself much.

    Then I travelled, married, had children, had a good job and my own house in a major world city. I guess I looked at porn addiction and fear of being alone
    as being just a kind of chronic illness (like a bad back) that you managed then the rest of your life say 80% or more is ok.
    I realized that focusing on abstinance did not work and you need to focus on the 80% of life that is good and accept
    that most people have problems in their lives of one sort or other. It was never bad enough problem to cause me financial problems etc.

    My wife had an early menopause in her 40s and really lost interest in sex and did not want to take any drugs so that
    was bad for our sex life. But as John Bishop the english comedian said marriage is like a dishwasher - "great when you
    first get it but after awhile it is easier to do them by hand". Also I didn't want my wife to have sex out of a sense of duty
    and i didn't want to be begging for sex.

    But I have now discovered that i cannot really get an erection for normal intercourse now because of porn addiction so
    I need to do something about it. The internet has made porn more accessible but also free.
    My wife and i don't talk much about sex but she knows what is happening so it is a bit like gays in the miltary "don't ask
    and don't tell".
    So i need to dial back of the porn and masturbation and figure out how to have some sort of sex life with my wife.
    I figure i need to dial it back a bit first maybe over the next couple of months and then have a chat about what we can do.

    I'm going to read through the forums and any advice and support folks can give me would be appreciated.
  2. Gracie

    Gracie Member

    Congratulations on taking this important step. Continue to work. You will see amazing results.

    Talk to your wife. You may find that she indeed would like to be closer to you. I went through menopause early. I took the medicine. I did nothing different in my life and in two months put on 20 pounds. We also, as women hear about the link between the drugs and cancer. So I understand her choice.

    If you read through some of the journals on here where women have commented, you will see that we knew something was going on because the whole sex approach was different. Our husbands treated us different. That was the most bothersome of all the secrecy and our loss of status as the one our husband turns to for intimacy. So please understand, she may not realize what she has went through. Imagine having your testosterone zapped and the drug you take could give you cancer or have other life changing side effects.
  3. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    After reading through the marriage problems some folks had I guess i've been lucky. Probably marrying late in my early thirties after i had made peace with my own identity meant i married someone who has been a real steadying influence on my life and who i get along with as a friend well. She is not an extrovert and likes to be around me and the family alot rather than going out with her friends. She has been good for my fears of being alone.

    I guess i have built up some resentment that she lost her sex drive after menopause (although she was not someone with a high sex drive before). But it has made me realize that the best thing i have going for me is my 20+ year old marriage and i need to protect it. I made some sacrifices as we live on the other side of the world to where i was born and where the rest of my family are but i have always believed that how marriage works, you each make sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship.
  4. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    Well chatted to my wife an said i was going to stop using internet pornography (thanks gracie) and response was "about time too". it was a pretty matter of fact conversation really. we will try and restart our sex life but take it slowly. I put up some filtering and will not use the computer between 10pm and 8am.

    I need to read around as to the different ways people stopped and figure out which will work for me. I know it will be tough at first but hopeful get easier when i have some success but i'm sure there will be relapses.

    Need to figure out 2 or 3 things to do to replace my time. I need to exercise to try and keep my blood pressure down (My brother-in-law is a doctor and he keeps telling me this so i need to act). I'll try and think of a couple of other things to do.

    Hopefully I will have the motivation now i see the ED effect of this.

    So here we go 27 July 2014 - Day 0.
  5. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Good luck EJB65, take it one day at a time. If you are not on blood pressure meds you might need to be. Just be careful cause some of them can cause ED such as beta blockers. Lose some weight if you are plump you will feel much better. Feeling resentments and holding a grudge against your wide because of her losing her sex drive, you hurting yourself as well as her. Take this time to re-learn your wife. Be completely open with her about everything and never hide anything from her. Giving up PMO and MO you will go through changes and I think she will notice it.
  6. Stupd Idiot

    Stupd Idiot New Member

    Low self-esteem was one of the things that got me hooked on porn. Its was combination of things for me. Depression, low self-esteem, certain outside things that were beyond me control. Used the porn as a escape from all that.
  7. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 4 without P, has been relatively easy so far. Since i realised it creates ED I have lost interest in it.
    Objective is to get M does to 2 to 3 times a week. Found it helpful to think it is just my brain triggering a chemical urge.
    When i see a pretty girl in the street I feel a heightened response which is great and more normal.

    The problem with P is it gets you into unrealistic sex and the more extreme it is the unrealistic it is and it takes you away from normal sex.

    My feeling is if i don't think about P at all. If the M at real women in your imagination then eventually you should forgot all about P.
    We will see if that theory works out.

    If you change you thoughts first then your changed actions will follow.

    Hopefully when M reduces then erections will be stronger for real sex. Although I suppose my libido could reduce as well. we will see.
    long way to go yet.

    PS I do take blood pressure tablets but a low dosage.

    Finally work is going well. I am lucky to be in demand so I can chose who to work for. That is great for my self-esteem.

    Not using the computer between 10pm and 8am seems to be good idea. Hopefully i can get some good sleeps.
  8. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 8 - have not used porn and strangely not experienced any craving for porn. I think if i get into a stressful situation or something then i am more likely to relapse. Currently i have just cut P from my thoughts completely.

    went through the brain on porn videos which were very good.

    i read with interest that many folks cut out MO as well as P as this reduces the dopamine and helps the reboot process to work.
    What i have been doing is gradually reducing M down to 2 day interval now and i want to try to reduce to a 3 to 4 day interval. Maybe when that happens i can cut out MO completely for aw period and then help reduce the dopamine.

    I guess because I'm older i don't have such a strong connection between M and internet P. I have a strong connection where P leads to M but no so much MO leads to P. I find as M reduces i can do it without thinking out P and it is more satisfying.

    in a week or 2 i think i will experiment with trying to go longer periods with M and see what the effect is.

    I found it very helpful that there is no standard way to do this. I need to experiment to see what works for me.

    Still alot of reading i want to do on both the and I think it is helpful to read as much as you can to then devise a program for your own reboot that works for you.
  9. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 9 - actually i have not found it that tough to quit viewing porn. It is summer and i have wife and daughter with me so i am not alone much so that helps. Also i got a real wakeup call that porn causes ED and realised one or 2 great sexually experiences a month with a real woman is way better than daily crap porn induced experiences.
    Also after a week my libido has started to flatline. I don't really have much sexual desire now. Luckily i read this is common and many folks go from hyper porn induced libido to very low libido and then eventally back to normal libido.
    there is just no going back to porn now.
  10. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    I have also a bad cold this last week so alot of focus is to get better and this has also taken focus away from porn. Will be interesting to see what happen when i get rid of the cold and have more time. so maybe it as was a blessing to be a bit sick.
  11. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 12 - a bit sad today. getting rid of P in my life seems to have left me with no sex life. also sort of mourning cutting out that part of your life that you had so long and what you could have done if you had not made it part of your life. I am reminded of my 20s when i was a bit depressed when i went on long haul flights i used to secretly hope we would crash. Which was really funny as it is most unlikely way to commit suicide or lose your life -).

    still cannot imagine going back to use P now, seems like a past life already which is strange after 12 days. But there is a long way to go this is a marathon not a sprint. It is really hard imagining finishing a marathon when you are just starting out.
  12. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 13 - had an erection as i woke this morning which is great as it more normal based on hormones in the body rather driven by P on the brain. Not using P seems normal now. just need to keep going one day at a time and see the day number increase. i'm on the lookout for any stress triggers that might affect me but not seen any so far, need to be vigilant.
  13. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 15 - staying clear and not thinking of P is working. emotionally up and down a bit but no temptation to use P.
  14. Mr. Torrence

    Mr. Torrence New Member

    Great new ej - keep up the great work.

    I too would strongly suggest an exercise regimen. IT does many things to help in this:

    1) Take some of the "dead time" off of your hands and physically exhausts you - so you sleep better in the evenings and have less inclination to even want to get on the computer.
    2) It gives you a natural release of endorphins which WILL help with depression
    3) It's going to help you lose weight which is the most important thing you can do to help get your blood pressure down
    4) The improved circulation to your entire body (including the old twig and berries) will help with any ED you might have
    5) It makes you look better and feel better about yourself - this confidence is going to be noticed by your wife. Think about it. Are women going to be more attracted to a guy who is working our regularly and taking his health seriously, or a guy sitting in front a computer jerking off. It's a no-brainer - and yet something I have to remind MYSELF of regularly now that I too am trying to kick the habit.
    6) It's a great outlet for any unused sexual energy. If I'm horny and the wife isn't having it - I go run for 30 minutes. Better than a cold shower for me....

    Stay strong!
  15. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 16 - thanks for the encouragement Mr. Torrance. Had a bad cold the last 2 weeks but starting to shake it off so need to get running by end of week, still got sore throat. Gone from 78kg down to 74kg (sorry in europe we use metric) I guess because i was a bit sick.
    My libido is starting to come back a bit so feeling the temptations and it starting to get tougher. Need to start to get my intimate with my wife but need to take it slowly.
  16. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 19 - still staying away from P. I think i realize even my life now is better than 19 days ago so there is no going back now. I need to focus on how i can improve my life now for 30+ years I hope to live on this earth. Top priority is to improve intimacy with my wife, we spoke about it a bit more this week but this will take awhile. When i get over this cold hopefully next week start to improve fitness should also help. Luckily not getting any stress from the rest of my life - Not working hard at the moment, no financial pressures, and my wife doesn't have any problems.
  17. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 21 - still going ok without using P. My wife is going to take time to adjust to new levels of attention and to restart our sex life.
  18. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 24 - this morning my wife and i had about half an hour of intimacy. We sort of unconsciously are doing Karezza. This is where the focus is not on getting an orgasm but trying to connect your bodies together. This is good for ex-porn users and can get away from fears of performance if you are not concentrating on getting an orgasm. Today I think i glimpsed a new future which is exciting. I have stopped using porn now (although i must watch out for triggers), and the next job is to get masturbation down to more normal levels. my first goal is trying to get to twice a week. Using karezza techniques can also get back towards a sex life. In 6 to 12 months I can see that a new much better life is possible. I don't know if i will or can get there but i can see it is possible which is really encouraging. My lucky life can get even luckier if i really work at it. -)
  19. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 26 -still doing ok. no interest in p. masturbation desires are starting to decrease but desire for sex with wife is increasing. But my
    body ain't ready for sex yet and i don't know if my wife is either. Need to be patient and do karezza techniques. (thanks gracie for your help). So frustration levels up a bit but it has not lead my to try and view porn yet. Luckily not getting any stress from work or family etc so no P triggers from these but maybe when i do get stress from these I will need to watch out. Both my daughters are home on holidays which is great in some ways as the house is not quiet. Younger daughter gong away next tues for 6 days so that might help in trying to
    get more intimacy with wife. But need to not force it.
  20. ejb65

    ejb65 Member

    day 27 - lots happening now. things are moving on from P and M to how to repair my sexual relationship with my wife.

    I think the next month is important and then things should calm down and fall into place. My wife is finding it hard coping with changes. My oldest daughter(who my wife misses tremendously) is home from uni last week and this week so my wife wants to spend as much time with her as possible so with me finds that "too many people want pieces of her". She also cannot cope with the attention. like "if you have a diet of cheese and then when you get lots of cheesecake you cannot cope". So we have agreed i don't give her any attention during the day for the next couple of months.

    When we had the first sort of Karezza session she said her vagina was sore because i rubbed it with my penis.(we had no penetration) So maybe I was too intense with this Karezza technique. Consequentially my wife doesn't know how often she can do this. I want at least weekly, preferably a couple of times a week.

    We are doing better at cuddling and spooning in bed before going to sleep. (look forward to going to bed now -)
    But i suggested that we be naked and she said that was too much.
    Also i said that I want to be having full penetrative sex within 12 months and she felt that it should happen before then.
    I guess for me there is no going back to P that bridge has been burnt. If I cannot get a full sexually relationship going with my wife
    in 12 months then it would threaten the relationship. (assuming by then i was able to perform penetrative sex). I find that a bit of a scary thing.

    One thing i have problem with is in 20 years of marriage my wife has never asked for sex once and i'm not very good at asking for
    what i want so this has been a real killer for our sex life. It made me think my wife never really needs or wants sex and really envious
    of other guys whose wives ask them for it regularly. This really also did not help my self-esteem at all. I guess i should talk about it
    too but it might be too much at the moment if my wife is already trying to cope. I think this also drives me to use escorts particularly
    part-time ones who do it because they have a high-sex drive.

    Also things are a bit intense as i am holidays (well between contracts) at the moment. Work should start agan in early sept i think
    and this should calm things down a bit although it has been good to focus on this the last few weeks without the distraction of work.

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