My last reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by pohsenil, Jan 4, 2013.

  1. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    I'm 26 year old and have been watching porn for over 15 years. I have learned about porn addiction in Jan 2012 and have been battling my dark passenger since that time. Pretty early my porn taste shifted from pictures of naked women to soft porn to femdom fantasies. These fantasies have occupied my brain during my whole teenage years and have affected my love/sex life tremendously. I'm a virgin and only had one serious girlfriend. I lacked libido, experienced ED, felt unmanly etc... I covered the whole range. In my teenage years I always told myself: "Maybe you have a hard time finding a girl right now. But later on you'll definitely find one. Until then you can just keep on PMOing (I thought of it as "practicing" for the real thing). It might not be as nice as a real girl, but at least you'll be prepared when you'll be able to have sex." But in fact it messed up my brain and turned my love life into one huge disaster.

    I know that I have to change my life to become a happy man – I want a girlfriend! My non-existent sex life and sex drive have been eating me up inside for years. In every other aspect of my life I would describe myself as outgoing, sociable, and positive now. I was a very awkward teenager, an outsider, but in university I managed to turn my life around and become confident with myself. It's time to use my potential and become a happy man.

    I already tried to reboot twice. I started my first reboot in Jan 2012 – the second one in Sep 2012.

    (1st reboot)

    The first time I tackled the whole problem very naively. I thought the fight against porn would be comparable to other addictions and didn't anticipate too many problems. I managed to stop smoking cigarettes and marijuana at my first attempt.

    I deleted all of my porn videos. I thought it would be enough to just not watch porn anymore. But I didn't fully understand what was going on in my body.

    After a couple of week I started MOing again. I didn't realize that it would slow down my progress.

    After about two months I lost my patience and gave in to my inner demons. I started to type in some of keywords that led me to my favorite porn earlier. I was able to stop myself in time on many occasions. But of course it was a lost cause and it lead to a relapse.

    Back then I read that a reboot takes about two months. It was hard to accept that my task would be much bigger than I thought. I realized that I needed to be much more patient.

    (2nd reboot)

    After a couple of months of PMOing (and trying to start a new reboot from time to time, but ending up PMOing the next day again), I started a new attempt in September 2012. The first day was the hardest, but once I managed to have a couple of “clean” days, I was ready to go. I knew that I was battling a mighty opponent, so I made a couple of provisions.

    I deleted a couple of TV-channels that contained triggers.

    I didn't MO for 108 days, but I edged a lot in the beginning. I thought that it was a good way to train my penile muscles without having to O. At that time I didn't know that it would slow my progress. Now I see that it did. On the upside: I masturbated without fantasy and was able to get a good erection a couple of times.

    I installed K9, a web protection software, to make it as hard as possible to get to porn. While it turned out to work alright and be a big help, my demanding brain still knew ways to get dopamine rushes. I peaked at arousing material quite often.

    I kept track of my progress. At the end of each day I wrote down how the day went. I included parts of it in my signature.

    There were a couple of girls that approached me. But my libido was as low as ever. On day 55, after a night out, I was extremely drunk and ended up hooking up with one of them. I was able to get a 60% erection, which was the best I ever had with a girl. But it was way too early and I knew it. I was not ready for letting a girl in my life without any libido. Things became very uncomfortable in the aftermath – but that wasn't rebooting-related.
    On the upside: I did see light at the end of the tunnel. About day 85 I had the first approach of libido. I waited for a train and a cute girl sat next to me. I had a weird feeling in my stomach I hadn't experienced since my teenage years. It might not be a big thing, but it felt great :)

    Even though I finally made it to 108 days of no PMO things didn't go smoothly. My number one problem was not distancing myself enough from my old behaviors. I still peaked at arousing material. I was online too often. I watched a lot of TV. In retrospect I think that I looked at screens far too many times and allowed myself to become aroused while looking at screens. In the future I need to separate the two more strictly. The biggest problem is still my lack in libido – I need to be more patient.

    (3rd reboot)

    I PMOd on days 108, 113, and 121 of my second reboot. I decided to make a clean cut and start my third and final reboot on day 122. I need to be aware of my triggers and bring more organisation to my life - i.e. I have to organise my work for university better. Though I'll reckon from day 1 now, I'll not start from zero. The progress I made during my second reboot will help me.
    How I approach my third reboot:

    Watch less TV and try to use the time more productive – i.e. work for university, read a book, do sports.

    I'll try to abstain. But in my eyes it's better to MO without fantasies than to peak at porn-related material. So I'll allow myself to MO, when I need it, but it should stay a rare event.

    I think that I'll be rebooted much faster than rewired. So I need to take things slow. If I see a girl I like, I'll need to give my body time to get to know her. Sex is not my priority, but it will be my goal to finally lose my virginity at the end of this.

    In any way I already want to thank you all for all you are doing here. Reading your posts, articles, and stories has helped me a lot in the past!

  2. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    Just finished day 6 - Flatline since day 1

    One question: I've had semen leakage every time i took a crap. Not only for the past six days, but also for months during my previous rebooting attempts. Has anyone experienced the same? What's the explanation for it?
  3. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    Back to square one :-\
  4. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 1 -

    I realized that my number one trigger is: Me being alone in my room with nothing particular to do (=boredom)

    From now on I need to organize myself way better. I cannot trust my bored me :) I made a schedule for tomorrow. If I manage to stick to it, it will be a big confidence boost.
  5. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 11 -

    I started using the "x method" spiritualhealing1988 suggested in another thread to tackle fetish thoughts. This has been working extremely well. I think this could be the last piece of help that might help me working on my femdom thoughts, which made me relapse over and over.
    I also managed to bring some organization in my life. I'm still far from being an organized person, but not every single issue in my life is going to solve itself or disappear just because I stopped watching porn. But now I feel like I have the power to change for the better.
  6. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 18 -

    The semen leakage hasn't stopped. What is worrying me more is that since three days I have strong pain in my abdomen, which is agreeing to the symptoms of (chronic) prostatitis. I already made a doctor's appointment a week ago. But due to insurance in my country I still have to wait for two weeks until I can finally see the urologist. It's hard for me to just sit there and wait for things to become worse. So yesterday I started to change my diet (much vegetables, fish etc. and no more coffee, red meat, butter etc.). Maybe that will help.
    I hope everything will work out alright, but I'm starting to worry a bit. Has anyone successfully cured a chronic prostatitis?

    But on the upside I think that I'm on a good way to win my fight against porn. During my past reboots I never felt so positive about quitting for good. I don't have urges to search the internet for interesting material anymore. I did do so when I was rebooting, even though I wasn't considering watching any of the results (yes, quite pointless and obviously ended in relapses ;) ).
  7. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Next attempt

    hey man, was just reading your journal - dont have any experiences with semen leakage. However I can absolutely relate to your reboot try 1 (same here) and respect for the long run in reboot 2. :)
  8. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 22 -

    Today I saw an arrousing scene in a TV series I was watching, which led to look for some pics and vids about the series online. Anyway K9 and my strengthened will helped me stop in time.

    The pain connected to my (supposed) prostatitis have mostly vanished after I changed my diet. I'm looking forward to finally see the doctor next week. This is probably the first time that I can't wait to see a physician :) But I do want a professional to tell me whether I need to be worried or how my condition can be helped. Reading stuff about chronic prostatitis online is quite scary. Maybe I should just stop reading and wait what I'll be advised.

    @fry: Thank you for your kind words. I hope our both reboots are our final ones :)
  9. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 23 -

    MO'd once without porn or fantasy, because I wanted to find out if my prostate would hurt while masturbating (it did). I was surprised by the little amount of sperm I produced - probably connected to whatever illness I have...
    In the following days I need to pay attention to possible chaser effects!
  10. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 26 -

    Apart from a light pain the groin area my abdominal pain has vanished. I hope it stays that way. Tomorrow I'll try to get an early appointment at a urologist's. It's killing me to not know what condition I have for sure!

    A good experience is that after MOing a couple of days ago I have experienced no kind of chaser effect. I think my brain is growing stronger, which enables me to reflect on my past addictions and what I'm experiencing right now much more than I was able to. Finally I really feel up to the task to conquer this!
  11. ariwl1

    ariwl1 New Member

    Re: Next attempt

    Sounds like you're making good progress. Good luck with the doctor's appointment!
  12. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 29 -

    Tomorrow I'll see my doctor. I'm so tensed up, because tomorrow will be first time I'm telling someone about my addiction. Somehow I'm much more nervous than I was in any exam or job interview in the past.
    Hopefully my problems won't be lost on him and I don't have to explain to him what a porn addiction is. In my nervous state I'm not the most convincing speaker I guess ;) I don't know if I should tell him that I suspect to have a chronic prostatitis and an enlarged prostate. If I were a physician I wouldn't like my patients to diagnose themselves :/ But some of you guys have reported that many urologist rule out BHP (enlarged prostate) for patients of my age. Probably I have to find a diplomatic way :)
    Puh, I'll be happy when I'm done with that. Right now I hope that he'll be able to diagnose something. Otherwise I'd be really worried, because the pain I was having was very real...
  13. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 30 -

    Alright. I went to my urologist this morning. The good news is: My prostate has a normal size for my age. A prostatitis is possible, but the pain I had last week was probably caused by kidney stones.
    Next week I have an X-Ray scan and get the results from a blood test. Then I'll know for sure. I'm very relieved that I went through this and that I was open about my addiction.
  14. Johansenjake23

    Johansenjake23 New Member

    Re: Next attempt

    good to know you are ok.. I experienced similar stuff as you... Before I started rebooting I don't think I can ever remember a time when I wasn't PMO ing almost every day... I think it can be a shock to your system when you stop ... if the doc says everything looks good then hopefully you will normalize with time... keep staying strong
  15. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 30 -

    MOd once to sensation only. This works quite well now. I think my rebooting process is progressing.

    - Day 31 -

    I was working on my thesis, which again didn't work out well. Very boring subject! Researching online lead me to look for arrousing stuff online. Thanks to K9 I didn't relapse, but it is annoying that after all this time I still give in to these urges even though they are not that big anymore.

    - Day 32 -

    I was late for work yesterday evening and today in the morning. It was the first time since weeks. Somehow it feels like my old powerless me is revisiting me.
    On the upside I was aroused by a real life woman today. When I was cycling home from work today a hot girl was cycling in front of me and gave me boner (30% strong). Maybe I can count that as progress in rewiring :)

    It's all about bringing some structure in my life now. I can't expect that all of my problems disappear as soon as I stop watching porn! I have to finally use the time and energy nofap has given me to become productive. As soon as my university work goes well a(nother) huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders.
  16. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    Thanks for your kind word, Jake. I also thought about times I didn't PMO before, but could only think off holidays. It just came to my mind that I already had problems masturbating when I was around 17. I was on summer holidays with my parents and MOd in the shower. I wasn't able to get fully erect without visual stimuli. I remember that I was quite freaked out by that, but back then stupid me was completely relieved when everything was back to normal when I PMOd again back home.

    Just now I realize for how long this addiction has been part of my life!!! There are many times in my life I have completely no memory of. It's time to make the future memorable :)
  17. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: Next attempt

    - Day 33 -

    MOd again. This time I had a dry orgasm. It's quite obvious that MOing hasn't helped to get better orgasms. So I'll try to stop to MO as far as possible from now on.

    - Day 36 -

    The first test results came back. My prostate seems to be alright. It's not enlarged and not inflamed. I still have doubts about the inflammation, but I decided to let the topic rest now. I'll just try to go on eating as healthy as possible and see what happens.
    On day 43 I'll get the results for my kidney.

    - Day 37 -

    Had a dream about my fetish. I woke up with an incredible dopamine rush, which felt incredibly good (in a wrong way - just like in my old PMO-days). I had to fight the chaser effects for the next two days.
    I was quite disappointed that these fetishes are still more appealing to me than the real thing. But I think that I need a girlfriend in my life in order to rewire properly.

    - Day 41 -

    I included a short calendar of my reboot in my signature.
    I didn't realize that I had so many peaks at arousing material in the past. Now my progress or lack of progress make sense:

    I abstained from PMO for a long time (3*PMO in 162 days)
    => therefore I feel relatively far in rebooting process
    I didn't distance myself enough from porn
    => I still have a long way to go in my rewiring process
  18. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    - Day 44 -

    Good news: I talked to my doctor about the last results I was waiting for and he confirmed that I'm completely healthy. This is taking a lot of weight of my back. Two weeks ago I was 100% sure that my prostate is enlarged and dysfunctional. It's good to know that this is not the case. I'm still quite sure that not everything is perfect down there, as my last orgasms were either dry or close to dry and I feel that I still have semen leakage from time to time.
    Therefore I'm very tempted to test if things have improved. But I decided to let things evolve and get better on its own now. Even if I saw that I has a dry orgasm again, I couldn't help it anyway. So I'll try to be patient.

    Anyhow I'll keep on eating healthy. This will benefit me as well for sure.

    I feel like my reboot is going into it's final phase. The cravings for porn are getting less and less and the urges to look for porn-related stuff online are getting more controlable each day. I still have a long way to go. My fetish has not left me and my libido is far from active, but I'm positive that there will be light at the end of the tunnel!
  19. roddy123

    roddy123 New Member

    Hey man

    I'm glad to see you were/are making progress with your recovery. I've subscribed to your thread, since I'm starting my first reboot in a very similar situation with respect to fantasies. I was nervous those extreme fantasies could permanently rewire the brain, but seeing your progress put those worries to rest. Keep up the good fight man, good luck and keep updating!
  20. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Hey Roddy,
    I've read your recent posts as well. For me it was hard and took a long time to realize that my whole sexuality was highly influenced by porn use. I guess that our fantasies make it harder for us and take more time to be substituted by real life. But in time you'll see the fetish losing its power. It will be worth it!
    In the future I would be willing to accept that mild fetishes will turn me on (they probably will and there's nothing abnormal about it...). But I can't accept that these unrealistic images of sexuality ruin my ability to be turned on by actual women.
    I'll follow your journal, too. Stay strong, you'll see the first benefits soon!

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