My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Robane, May 7, 2012.

  1. Robane

    Robane Member

    This is an awesome reddit post yearofchange put up on his journal. I recommend anyone reading my journal to check it out if you haven't already.
  2. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 26 of no Peeking or MO

    On the 1st of June I relapsed to P. I went back to tracking my progress on a hand-made calendar this month. I didn't create a calendar in May, and that month turned out to be my worst month this year. Will also create a calendar for July.

    I hope to keep myself very busy in these next few months. Trying to establish several income streams (for now just 2). Staying busy, and out of the house helps with rebooting. When I move into my own apartment, I'll put filters/parental controls on the internet service itself. I want my place to be, for the most part, a porn-free zone for me.

    As i recall, in Feb., March, and April I made it 28 , 30, 28 days respectively w/out peeking. So now I'm approaching that critical moment , when I usually relapse (around day 27-30). This is the time when the erotic dreams, P flashbacks, blue-balls set in. Have to be vigilant. Just keep pushing until I feel confident enough both recovery-wise and financially to pursue a relationship or some other kind of intimate contact with a REAL PERSON)).
  3. Robane

    Robane Member

    This is a great video on the neuroscience behind addiction:
  4. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks for the link Robane, haven't seen you in a while. Hope you're doing well bud.
  5. Robane

    Robane Member


    Hey man. I'm doing okay. Still fighting the good fight!!)) In terms of progress, it's been quite choppy lately. I made it through July with no P or MO, but I relapsed 3 times in August. I've been trying to reduce the amount of time I spend dwelling on things related to P, including these forums. I just found that my daily trolling around here in the past was detrimental to my progress. I was looking at my previous posts, and the only thing I was writing about was how many days I went "hardmode", or whether my libido is raging or not. Although I will post about my experiences from time to time, I rather spend that time researching and posting about information that can actually help myself and others improve our lives.

    I've also been quite busy with other areas of my life. I think that is key in getting rid of this addiction. whenever I'm busy and occupied with things that will improve my life, I can easily avoid P. I'm also starting to change my stance on the whole "hardmode" approach. P is the problem. Not MO. If I ever feel the urge to watch P, I'll just MO without P. The urge to P usually dissipates after MO for me.

    Posting some links to some helpful vids that includes some tips on how to remove P from one's life.
  6. Robane

    Robane Member

    Some good quotes about the Law of Concentration

    "The Law of Concentration states that whatever you dwell upon grows and expands in your life. This law says that the more you think about something, the more of your mental capacity is assigned to think about that issue. Eventually, if you are not careful, you will think about it all the time. This law contains a double-edged sword. If you think about something often enough, it eventually dominates your thinking and affects your behavior. "

    "This Law of Concentration is a natural sublaw of the laws of Cause and Effect, Control, and Belief. Successful people are those who continually think about what they want. Unsuccessful people are those who allow themselves to think about or dwell on the things they don't want. As a result, successful people get more and more of what they want and unsuccessful people get less and less"

    "Now, here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action. First, discipline yourself to concentrate single-mindedly on your goals and on your highest value activities. Step on the accelerator of your own potential. Second, develop absolute clarity about the things you want, write them down and then think and talk about them all day long. You will be amazed at what happens."
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Great quote indeed, with good advice. Maybe a bit too capitalist/materialistic in my opinion, as in the definition of "successful" individuals seems to rely on their external success. When it comes to internal happiness, acknowledging what's wrong (not focusing on it too much, but giving it some awareness at least) is also necessary. But then I guess some level of external success is also conducive to internal happiness, as long as it's not an escape forward. It just needs to be balanced.

    Is it Napoleon Hill? I've heard about him many times, just didn't read hsi writtings yet.
  8. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Fully agree with that. Your best tool in the emotional world is not problem-solving, as I had thought it was for a long, long time, but awareness. Non-judgmental, observing, compassionate, active awareness.
  9. Robane

    Robane Member

    Checking in. Has been awhile since I last posted. Right now I'm working out of state, working in a remote area with limited access to internet. This was what i needed anyways, some money and a good reboot). I last watched P on 08/18/16. As I stated earlier, I will allow for MO w/out P in this reboot in order to quell any desire to binge on P. This helped me in the beginning of my reboot when I had just relapsed.

    I'm hoping the money I'll get from this job will help me make some significant changes in my life, such as moving out of my parents house. Also, I've met some pretty interesting people with whom I hope to network with when I get home.
  10. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Hey man, thanks for checking in on my journal and the sound advice. Seems like you are doing big things in your life and are taking personal responsibility for where you are at, and I respect that and can relate to it, I will be checking up on your journal from now on.

    All the best brother, keep fighting the good fight.
  11. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Best of luck Robane :) I hope you get enough money, stay off P, and meet some awesome people.
  12. Robane

    Robane Member

    @YOC and Sound fx

    Thanks for the comments guys! Got back this past Sunday (9/25) from the job. I had to take an 18 hour bus ride back to my city, and that was after completing a 12 hour night shift that same morning I left. By the time I got home I hadn't slept in 48 hours. And guess what.. I relapsed. I felt it coming though. The urges building up while I was at work. Working at nights had a toll on me. In order to stay awake, I had to chug coffee, hard candy, and junk food. I wasn't working out or exercising properly. I had no time for meditation. All of that, plus the sheer stress of the trip back on home (on a Greyhound) and excessive fantasizing culminated into a relapse when I got back to my trigger zone. In this last reboot I made it 37 days no PMO.

    Will start again. Had some trouble earlier today with peeking. I've decided to leave the house early everyday for the rest of the week. I'm taking some official courses for trading. I really want to improve in that area. The instructor advises to not trade while taking the course. I'm itching to make some money with the money I made at this last job, but I will be patient for a while and only paper trade. Want to make some money soon so I can buy a car and move out this year. We'll see what happens. Going to start a late night exercise schedule today since I'll be leaving the house early in the morning from now on and will be gone for most of the day. In the next couple weeks I want to start doing some kind of martial arts. I'll decide to do that whenever I figure out a way of generating income.

    I have so many things planned for this year, and I see the doors opening for me in a lot of areas. I just need to quit sabotaging my progress. I need to proactively set myself up for success. My reptilian brain does not want to change willingly, so I have to create conditions that will force it to change.
  13. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Sounds like you're very clear on what you want to do. Hold on to this vision and strive towards it everyday.

  14. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Thirty seven days is a strong period of time, although you might not see it immediately, you definitly benefited from that time. Keep up the good work. I never try to look at it as an all or nothing thing. It's a process, its a journey, and it's about living our life the best we can regardless of our situation, don't let it get you down, let it motivate you to continue to improve and make the necessary changes. My guess is that exactly the way you are looking at it, so keep it up.

    I know the feeling of the urges hitting you earlier in the day and it carrying over to your trigger situation. Not sure why some days it hits harder than others, but I do know that over time as you continue to grow, the triggers don't affect you quite as strongly, and they are less and less frequent.

    What do you do for a living if you dont mind me asking man?
  15. Robane

    Robane Member

    @Sound fix

    Hey man. Sorry for late reply. Have been MIA lately. In terms of what I do for a living, I'm basically a professional student) I finished medical school outeside the US and I'm currently doing board exams for residency. Until I can get into residency, I have an MD degree that I can't use to get a paid job. The only things I can do with my degree are unpaid internships and research positions (which I do periodically). To make money I do various forms of per diem work in unrelated fields.
  16. Robane

    Robane Member

    Reading a really great book that ace1234 suggested in his journal. It's called "the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. I highly recommend it. I'll be posting some good quotes from the book in later posts.
  17. Robane

    Robane Member

    Trying to get back on track after a minor slip-up an hour or so ago. Was sitting at the computer at home alone trying to get some work done, when that old familiar urge popped up. Did some on/off compulsive peeking at P for a while, but came to my senses by watching some youtube videos about successful entrepreneurs. That helped set my priorities straight. I've been able to resist any temptation for the last hour. Will see how it goes for the rest of the night.

    Edit: Ended up relapsing to P again. Up until today I had gone 8 days no P. DOn't understand why I'm having such a hard time getting rid of this addiction completely. Lately I've been having the most trouble on th weekends. I guess I have to just stay out of the house on these days. The weekdays I really try to stay busy and productive. I try to be productive at home on the weekends as well, but it seems that being in front of the computer while at home is a major trigger for me.

    So here it goes... my plan is to leave the house everyday, and avoid using the computer at home, unless I'm trading stocks (I'm pretty focused whenever my money is on the line).

    Will start doing the counter again, only for the purpose of having a sense of accountability. I wrote aginst counters in earlier posts, but I'll try it again. Maybe now I've developed a new approach to using counters, mentally.

    I now realize that I can't stay at home alone for the whole day. Today I had planned to spend the whole day doing work and watching lectures on the computer. I ended up wasting the day watching porn. I started off pretty good, though. I was able to get some work done in the morning, but by the afternoon, the boredom set in, and my mind started to wonder. SO this week I plan to be out of the house, and avoid using the computer while I'm at the house (unless I'm trading).
  18. Robane

    Robane Member

    Quick Update: Everything is going well. Have been trying to stay busy outside of the house. I restrict my computer use in the house to early mornings (between 5-7:30 am) whenever someone else is in the house with me. My goal is to reach 14 days no P. After I reach my goal, I will restart my counter. My next goal will be to make it 7 days no P. I will restart the counter again after that goal is reached as well.
  19. Robane

    Robane Member

    Update: I accomplished my goal of making it 14 days without P (10/16/16 - 10/30/16). Today I restarted my counter, not because I relapsed, but because I want to focus on accomplishing smaller, more realizable goals, rather than trying to tackle a very long-term (or seemingly daunting) goal. Here is a good quote from the first article I linked at the bottom. The article refers to the term "daily" goals, but the term "short-term goals" can also be applied to describe what they are talking about.

    "Daily goal setting is an integral part of any successful routine because it allows us to weigh and analyze just where we stand on a day-to-day basis. Since it’s easy to lose sight of our long-term goals, especially when dealing with the millions of distractions in our lives, daily goal setting allows us to stay on track and on point."
  20. Robane

    Robane Member

    Made it 7 days no PMO. This weekend was pretty challenging for me. I peeked at P without MO a couple times. I even considered just straight out binging to P, but got myself together eventually. My next goal is to make it 5 days no P no peeking. I am now at 21 days no PMO.

    Had a really good week in trading last week. Had several successful trades, and I grew my account. Will continue to develop my trading skills, and learn about the markets. I am trying to build up my account to several thousand dollars in the next few months, so I can buy a car and have enough savings to move out of my Mom's house. Living there has created a massive dent in my self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem is one of the major factors that contributes to my porn addiction, and to me not having relationships with women. Abstaining from P is good, but it is only one part of the solution.

    Another problem area in my life is this ED. I've gotta get rid of it. It creates such a barrier for me in all areas of my life (social, professional, emotional). I've been carrying around this burden for way too long ( almost 7 years). I don't even think I have PIED anymore, to be honest. I do get erections to real-life, clothed women who are attracted to me. I even get aroused whenever I smell the scent of perfume or shampoo on a girl. I have been able to get erections to touch alone (i.e. whenever I do PE exercises). But ED with women, I'm beginning to believe, is mainly due to performance anxiety (PA) or just plain nervousness. I'll post a rally good video I came across this weekend about PA from a relationship coach. I was surprised by how prevalent PA is in the initial stages of sexual intercourse. And it occurs among men who are not P addicts and who have had a history of successful sex. The guy in the video is Corey Wayne. I'm going to download his E-book. One of the things over and over again in the video is "Repitiion is the mother of skill" "Repitition builds confidence." There are so many other things he says that are golden in the video, just watch it for yourself. Here's one more quote, "Action breeds confidence and courage, inaction breeds fear and doubt."

    The thing I took from it is that I have to so everything in my power to build confidence with women in sexual situations. I have never had a problem talking to women or approaching them for the first time. My problem arises whenever it comes to maintaining the relationship after the initial encounter. I frankly, am afraid of embarrassing myself again when the ED issue comes up. So, I don't follow up with these women I meet. I've even gotten to the point where I avoid approaching women all together. Part of the reason, is my financial and domestic situation, but the main reason is because of ED in the past. I also have some insecurities about my body as well. Although, I am pretty fit and muscular (more lean muscle though), I have had pseudogynecomastia since I was a teen. Back then I lived in a boarding school, where I was picked on quite a bit for it. Even-though I'm somewhat fine with the gyne now, I still am a little apprehensive whenever I have to take my shirt off. (When I get enough money put away, I'm going to do surgery to remove the gyne.) The last girl I was naked in front of (and with whom I had performance anxiety as well) pointed out the "strange formations" on my chest while I was trying to explain why "little me" wasn't working. She actually thought that my gyne was to blame for the ED lol. The point is, I need to train my brain to be comfortable having intimate physical contact with women. A lot of this conditioning should have taken place when I was in my early teens, but I can't change the past. I am considering seeking professional help for this matter. Will update soon.

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