My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Robane, May 7, 2012.

  1. Robane

    Robane Member

    Some interesting entries I picked up from Omega Man's journal

  2. Robane

    Robane Member

    From now I will try to make daily posts. Just want to vent some feelings right now. Tried to hit on a waitress at a restaurant today. She was surrounded by her co-workers, so I felt kind of awkward. One of her male co-workers interjected our conversation and told me that he was her husband (jokingly, though). I wanted to ask for her number, but it was just too awkward with everyone listening to our conversation. Plus, she wasn't making it easy for me. for the most part, she wasn't very receptive, but she laughed at a few of my jokes. Maybe I'll go back there and ask her out, because right now I feel as if I had left something "undone" when I left the restaurant without her number.

    All in all, I'm doing ok. Thank God I'm alive. I just feel so on angst sometimes, especially in public places. I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life though. Just as Omega Man pointed out, our brains use the negativity in our lives to draw us back into P and fantasy. The P and fantasy serve as an escape from those negative uncomfortable feelings.

    Anyways I'm getting tired, and it's almost 1am. will talk about these things tomorrow
  3. Robane

    Robane Member

    Relapsed again last night. Not going to sulk over it. Just moving on. lately, I've been relapsing on my phone. So, tonight I left the phone in my car. I really enjoyed WillGrit's journal. It is very inspirational. I suggest reading his first post. I also want to add a spreadsheet to my signature. Will do that soon.

  4. Robane

    Robane Member

    Checking in again. Today was a good day. Got a lot of work done. I noticed, though, that I've been waking up in the mornings with a lot of worries and anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, leads to self-doubt and negative ruminations. Have to control negative emotions and stress. I have avery restless mind. Very often I get random thoughts that pop up in my head. Unfortunately, most of the thoughts are negative in nature. They're usually about regrets of lost opportunity, memories of discouraging things people have told me, P addiction. My addicted brain is then activated, and random flashbacks of P/sex start to take over, in order to deal with the negative emotions. I read similar accounts on other people's journals. It's been suggested to do breathing exercises in those moments when the negative thoughts arise. Just shift my attention to something outside of my thoughts.

    This evening, I put my easily accessible devices in my car, and I'm using the computer in a relatively public place in the house. It's time to completely eliminate P from my life.
  5. Robane

    Robane Member

    Been having some urges to peek at P and fantasize. Have been able to control them so far. will head out of the house now.
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting in my journal. It emotionally helped.

    I read your post of a quote from Omega Man about the book
    The Mindful Way Through Depression. I have meditated nearly daily for 2 years, this and having long streaks of no PMO, oh yeah and diet have helped me to alleviate my depression and anxiety. I'm going to check the book out.
  7. Robane

    Robane Member

    I definitely have a long road to go in this battle against depression and compulsive behavior.
    But every slip is a chance to learn and grow. Last night, I got home about 1:30 am. Everything was fine. I was in a good mood. Started to get ready for bed, and then out of the blues, that old familiar lizard brain came out of the woodwork. "Maybe there's new material on that site"...."Just browse that site to see if that video came out"....."If you don't watch it now you're going to crave it later"...."If you find that cache of videos, you'll be totally satisfied." Of course, these are all lies. Familiar ones at that. But why did I succumb to them? The answer is simple. When I started this previous reboot on Dec. 29, I was relying on the "willpower boost" that accompanies the "2016 New Year resolution" state of mind. Although I was meditating and reading positive literature on mindfulness, I was slacking in other good habits, such as: exercising, journaling, daily affirmations of my long term goals. After 7-10 days into the reboot, apart of me actually thought that I didn't need to continue those old habits, because I had transformed myself into the "new me", due solely to the fact that it was a New Year. This is delusional, but I think it is a very common misconception people make when they start these New Years Resolutions. So this year it's back to the drawing board. My goal is to totally remove P from my life, and I will do it by practicing the old positive habits of the past, and also by introducing new habits that I will gather from other user's journals and articles on self-development. Here's a link to an article that I got from Newnes' new journal.

    Here's a quick preview of the article:
    "When making New Year’s resolutions, we often imagine that success will require great feats of self-control. But we tend to forget the other half of the equation: not just the willpower within us but the environment around us. The spaces and situations we find ourselves in can keep us on the path to achievement, or nudge us toward failure."
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Just keep working at staying away from porn, each day away is progress.

    I put The Mindful Way Through Depression on hold at the library.
  9. Robane

    Robane Member

    Thanks for the reminder ATG.

    Right now I'm having urges to binge on P. It would be easier if I felt the same way right after I PMO'd for the entire duration of the reboot (ie 100 days). Once my brain clears up and the blue-balls of a relapse go away, my brain goes back to the same lustful and compulsive thought patterns. I started daily readings of my affirmations in front of the mirror. It sometimes helps me avoid P by reminding me of the goals in my life that will give me true satisfaction.

    Going to go for a walk outside and then leave the house, so I can avoid relapse. Will also make sure all of my devices are left in my car when I get back home tonight.
  10. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Catching the brain as it's falling back into those detrimental patterns and redirecting it seems key. Doing the daily affirmations sounds like a great. Making that a daily ritual/habit and keeping that up, making it a priority may be helpful in rewiring some beneficial neural pathways. This reminds me of why regular daily meditation has been helpful for me, it helps to redirect my thoughts, keeps me from slipping into obsessive detrimental patterns, and instead choosing more productive one's.
  11. Robane

    Robane Member

    Well, the daily mantras didn't work as well as I thought. I relapsed on 01/16/16. I even did the mantra routine about an hour before the relapse started. I've decided to get rid of my counters. I feel that it might be counter-productive to my reboot. Everyday for the past 3.5 years, I've been obsessing over how many days I've gone off P or PMO or Edging. I think I have to forget that this no PMO "challenge" exists, in order to overcome PMO addiction. I read this article. It was pretty interesting:

    Here's a quote:
    "...Counting the days is not helpful. Counting the days is the hard way. Leave that to the people climbing up the walls using the Willpower Method.
    The whole point of your recovery isn’t to go a certain amount of consecutive days without porn, masturbation or orgasm. The point is to rewire your brain and regain complete function of your penis so that you can have sex with real people. Don’t lose sight of that!

    If you slip up and masturbate, big deal. Carry on with your recovery.
    If you slip up and watch porn. Learn from it. Why did you do it? Check your Porn Trigger Replacement worksheet. Is something missing? What needs changing? Figure out what alternative activity would better serve you when you’re in the frame-of-mind that led you to watch porn. Is there something you don’t understand? Re-read the Sexual Reboot guide. Contact me. Don’t just mope around like a failure and whack off all day because of it.

    That’s why I don’t advocate counting the days. If you count the days you are reminding yourself every day that you’re not watching porn. This means that every day you’re thinking about porn. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Give yourself the chance to move on from it."
  12. Robane

    Robane Member


    Had a number of relapses in this week. I relapsed on 01/20/16 and 01/21/16. Although I got rid of the counters, I keep track of my reboots on a calendar. The main issue I'm struggling with is weak willpower just before a relapse. None of the relapses in this month were caused by stress, boredom, or lack of sleep (which contributes to stress). All of the relapses were preceded by random porn flashbacks and compulsions to "look for that vid. I couldn't find the last time." I need to train my brain to confront these urges, instead of always avoiding them. I need to develop automatic responses to these urges, that help prevent relapses. I will try the CET method again that I wrote about in earlier posts. I will write more about how i implement the CET method in a later post.
  13. Robane

    Robane Member

    just making an update. Have been doing fine with the newly implemented approach to rebooting of getting rid of counters and tracking monthly progress. I have had some slip-ups during this time, but overall I feel less consumed with thoughts/compulsions to P or MO. Not long ago I came across a quote from theUnderdog:

    "And if there's one thing I'd like to share with you all it's this: Approach this thing not with the mindset of "achieving x number of days", but with the mindset of putting distance between yourself and porn, so that it's something that truly feels like it's in your rearview window."

    This is my goal in terms of approaching no P.
  14. Robane

    Robane Member

    Quick update. Everything is going fine. It has been 11 days since I last watched P. Every morning I wake up, I write a list of the things I need to do in the morning at the house. After I complete everything on that list, I immediately leave the house and stay out until late at night. When I return home I usually leave my devices in my car (that includes my phone as well) and I lock the door. I use my old wrist watch to keep track of the time. I do daily 15 minute meditations in the morning. Last week I worked out 3 times. I want to stick to this regimen. My last reboot was due to not organizing my day properly. As in previous relapses, I would find myself stuck at home alone, working on the computer for an extended period of time. Eventually I would doze off, and then wake up from this quick nap with intense, uncontrollable urges to watch P. I just found an article explaining why these urges could be so uncontrollable after an afternoon nap. Supposedly, if one takes a nap for more than 10 minutes, sleep inertia will set in. Sleep inertia is the feeling of grogginess and low energy that occurs after sleeping. Taking naps that are less than 10 minutes in duration is beneficial, and they do not result in sleep inertia upon awakening. The naps I was taking were on average about 15-25 min. I think that the sleep inertia that set in after those naps, led to not only a lack of energy and grogginess, but it may have also caused a drop in willpower, which led to me relapsing. Also, on the days of those relapses, I was doing a pretty good job of resisting temptations to peek/fantasize/edge before I took the naps.

    So now I try to stay out of the house for as long as I can. When I'm at the house, I write down a list of all the things I want to accomplish there, and once I've crossed out everything in that list, I leave the house. I avoid taking naps in the day times while I'm at the house as well.

    Here's a link to the article I read. I'm pretty sure there's more articles out there on the topic of sleep inertia, though...
  15. Robane

    Robane Member

    Haven't been on here in a while. Just as I expected, it seems that I was not sorely missed, given by the lack of inquiries on my whereabouts from other users on my journal.)))) But, that's fine. Just thought I get on record some of the experiences I've had since taking a break from the forum. In general, staying off the forum and getting rid of counters has been positive for me. I was able to go without peeking at P for streaks of 25 days, 21 days, and 27 days in the past 3 months, respectively. Yes, there were relapses, but they were pretty brief (except for the one I'm presently in; it has lasted 3 days). Still, I remain positive. Like I stated earlier, I do not use counters anymore. All I have to track my progress are make-shift calendars that I draw on pieces of paper. I might not use those in this next reboot, though. My main goal is not to reach a certain number of days on some counter or calendar. All I want to do is progressively improve my life. Progress is key, not perfection. This doesn't mean, however, that I don't want to get to a point in my life where i can go 120 days w/out peeking or MO'ng. But I've realized that acquiring the ability to have extensive reboots is actually a secondary result of improving one's life by introducing beneficial habits, daily routines, and mindsets into one's life.

    The approach and mindset that many rebooters on this forum have towards recovery is flawed. This flawed approach is one where we try to improve our lives by rebooting from porn. We say to ourselves that "If I can go off porn for 90 days, my life will be 10 times better. " This is not necessarily the case. Rebooting from porn is just one of the things we need to do in order to improve our lives. I would even go so far to say that rebooting is secondary to other important changes that we have to introduce into our lives in order to make it better. Only once we make these changes, can we have successful reboots.

    For example, creating the right environment at home is crucial, not only to improving one's life, in general, but also for having a successful reboot. Examples of creating the right home-environment are: making sure you have all the porn channels blocked on your cable; putting internet restrictions and filters on your devices (or limiting your access to P in any way possible); devices that don't have filters should not be in the house if it is not necessary for them to be there (i.e. put your non-filtered devices in your car at night); avoid having provocative magazines/posters/pictures in the house; etc. Another critical element for a successful reboot is keeping a busy daily routine. If you don't absolutely need to be in the house, get out of the house, and stay out until you have to go to bed. Rebooting is so much easier whenever I keep a busy schedule and I need to get out of the house for the majority of the day. However, I work from home most days. I do fine, in terms of rebooting, whenever my work is keeps me busy. The problem arises whenever it's a slow day on the job. That is when boredom, fatigue, and complacency slip in, and I'm more prone to relapse. This is why I like going to a library at a nearby community college to work. There is relatively secure wifi there (you have to have a login and password to use the internet), and I find myself being more productive in a social setting. Other elements of successful rebooting are: weekly exercise routines; having a healthy diet; listening to podcasts about self-development and improvement (this also serves as a way to introduce inspiring mentors into one's life); meditation; developing a good social networks with friends; accountability partners; finding a significant other, or at least having real-life intimate encounters with people (I've noticed that most of the successful rebooters have GF's or wives, or are sexually active). Only once you (or at least for me) have introduced most, if not all, of these elements into your life, can you finally have successful reboots from P.

    Most of us on here think that we have to abstain from porn for a certain number of days, then acquire these so-called "super-powers", and once that is done, everything in our life should then magically fall into place (that's at least what I thought). Now I realize that it's the other way around. A successful reboot is a RESULT of introducing the necessary elements into one's life. So, whenever I relapse, I don't obsess over not reaching "X" amount of days no PMO (or no Peeking, or no MO, or no edging, or no substitutes, or no semen leakage .....the labels are endless). When a relapse occurs, I now think about what element in my life do I need to improve on, and I just move forward.
  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I took a very big break from here too, and now im getting back, but please dont think that you werent missed Robane! Your insightful and supportive input is always valued!
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yes, totally. I've followed your journal when you were here for a while. When people stop posting, I assume they either are better, or "quit". In both scenario, there's no way to know before the leaver is back.

    Take care, you're not alone!
  18. Robane

    Robane Member

    @ Newnes and yearofchange

    Thanks for the support guys! I really appreciate it. I understand that a lot of people on here, including myself, have very busy lives, and they have little time to post on other people's journals. Like I stated earlier, I've been keeping myself so busy, that I have little time to post on here these days.

    Staying busy, keeping my mind occupied with my goals, and putting restrictions on my iphone have helped me stay off the P for these past 13 days. I will admit. though, the ios web filter for the safari is pretty stringent. I couldn't even go on a bible commentary forum the other day. But, it beats dealing with urges to watch P on my phone. I will consider getting rid of the restrictions once I introduce other elements into my life such as: a girlfriend (or hookup), my own apartment, steady income, a better social life etc. as I stated earlier, I want to put P behind me. I know that this won't happen right away, but I want P to become like an image in the rear view mirror of a car, that fades gradually as you drive away from it.

    Right now my main goal is to improve my finances and establish a steady flow of income. Once I do that, I can move out on my own, and be in a better position to pursue women.
  19. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Sounds like a plan Robane! And a great one at that! I feel that you're focusing on the right things. Once you move toward these goals the image in the rearview will get fainter and fainter.
  20. Robane

    Robane Member


    Thanks man!

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