My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Robane, May 7, 2012.

  1. Robane

    Robane Member

    This addiction is a neural pathway. I need to weaken this neural pathway. Being at the beginning of a new reboot, what can I do better this tie around. Where did I mess up in this last reboot. On day 6 of this last reboot I visited a P site that I browse. I pulled myself together after 5 minutes and came off the site. I didn't watch any P, but the images activated the addiction neural pathway.

    So what is my goal now? To improve. I want to go 7 days with a clean reboot. no slip-ups, no peeking, no edging to fantasy. My goal is to go cold-turkey for 7 days. That's it!. Just 7 days.
     
  2. Things that I noticed while reading your thread. You feel stressed, you feel frustrated, and worst of all, you feel different.

    I have also felt all of those listed above and you know what, it still gets to me, but one thing I realized is that all of those emotions are something we perceive.
    We CHOOSE to feel that way and continue in doing so because we get comfortable in feeling defeated because that is all we know. Stop being a victim and own up to your actions.
    Stress and frustration is something we create because we are afraid to start acting!
     
  3. Robane

    Robane Member

    @Yankin My Chain
    You're right to a certain extent. the stress and frustration are a result of me actually trying to do something and failing. I don't create those emotions out of thin air. When I feel stressed out, it's because something stressful actually happened to me. This last week I lost over 25% of my brokerage account.. Of course I would feel stressed and frustrated. Who wouldn't? I'm human. My problem is that I've developed a habit to relieve this stress via PMO. Since childhood (i.e. 5 years old) I've been using MO and fantasy (and later P) to temporarily escape stress in my life. I need to change that, and I will.

    It would be great if I could simply turn off these "perceived" emotions of stress and frustration, and replace them with more positive emotions. I'm pretty sure that there are people who can easily do that. But I'm not wired that way. I accept the stress and frustration associated with all that I'm trying to accomplish, but I need to learn how to respond to those emotions in a more productive way.

    Day 1
    I'm changing my daily schedule starting next week. In my former daily schedule I would: wake up around 6:30/7am and do my morning routine; trade in my pajamas from 8:30 - 3pm; work out from 3- 4:30pm and eat lunch/dinner; take a shower around 4;30/5; head to the library to study for my medical exams from 5/5:30- 11pm.

    I usually get urges to PMO around the time from when the market closes (@ 3.00pm) to the time I take a shower (especially if had a big loss or even a solid win that day). i don't know what it is about cold showers, but I always get a renewed sense of vigor after them. Urges/thoughts of PMO just go away after a cold shower.

    So, in the new schedule I will take a shower first thing in the morning, and put on a fresh set of clothes each day before I start trading (I'll probably even consider wearing a business suit)) ). A successful trader that I follow suggested that one should be and feel as professional as possible when trading. Trading in pajamas and torn socks is hardly professional))

    Also I will be making daily entries on a week by week basis (eg Week 1: Day1-7)
     
  4. Wow. Really sorry about that. You're correct that there is only so much you can do about reducing stress. It's excellent that your recognized how your habit is formed.

    Maybe this will help!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vubNNfhSvc
     
  5. Robane

    Robane Member

    @Yankin My Chain

    Wow! This video is gold! In an earlier post I posted a link to an article about the science behind Cue Exposure Therapy (CET) and other methods to extinguish behavioral patterns. The only issue I had with the article was that it didn't explain in detail practical steps in which to implement CET. This video was very informative. I'm going to watch it again, and make an action plan on how to implement this into my situation. I'll post a link to the CET article on your journal.
     
  6. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 2
    About to go to bed. Today was pretty I uneventful, although I'm having some urges to PMO at the moment of writing this entry. Just going to hit the sack now, have to get up early tomorrow
     
  7. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 3

    Ended peeking at P last night after I posted and this morning for a bit. Avoided a full-fledged relapse today by taking a cold shower leaving the house. At the library now. I feel a lot better. While I was tempted to look a P at the house earlier today I challenged myself to not look at P for 15 minutes whenever the urge to peek came up. Those exercises helped me regain some control. They helped me break the chain in the cycle of: urge>>panic attack>>peeking at P>> regret>> stop peeking>> urge.

    Thinking of joining tinder or some dating site. Need to start meeting girls. Even just for casual friendships. For me the loneliness leads to depression and thoughts of self-hate. These emotions, in turn, lead to urges to resort to P in order to temporarily relieve those same emotions.
     
  8. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 4/5

    Yesterday and today were pretty good days. Started to implement the changes to my schedule that I wrote about earlier. Taking a cold shower first thing in the morning, and putting on a fresh set of clothes before trading has caused me have a more professional and focused mindset throughout the day. With that mindset, I'm much less likely to PMO. Making these changes are necessary, because one can easily become distracted and vulnerable to PMO triggers while working from home, which will of course affect the quality of one's work.

    I've also developed a "drill-Sargent" alter-ego that I "turn on" whenever I notice my mind drifting into idle thoughts. The moment I catch myself thinking about girls, sex or porn, the "Sargent" comes out and starts ranting and admonishing me. "He" reminds me about all the times P left me in the gutter, feeling ashamed and unsatisfied, and reminds me of my overall goals. Of course, this is just me talking to myself, but the effort I exert vocalizing that admonishment draws me away from the urges/feelings that were conjured up by me thinking about P. I'm going to continue using this technique.
     
  9. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 6

    About to hit the sack now. Was reading some some entries in GABE's journal. Will also check out Omega Man's journal before going to bed. It's about 1 am now. My last relapse occurred around this time in the night last week. Right now I'm being very vigilant about my thoughts. NOt letting P urges and flashbacks tempt me into doing a late-night binge. Just need to keep fighting. Still implementing the alter-ego technique whenever I catch my thoughts drifting back to memories of P or sex flashbacks. Time to go now!
     
  10. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 15

    Gave into some urges to peek at P and edge. Last night I was drinking pretty heavily, thus causing me to let my guard down. It seems that I can't handle alcohol and stay P free. So, I will give up alcohol for the rest of this year until I reach 60 days no PMO. Dealing with some urges to watch P now but I need to look at the big picture. P will never satisfy me, and it will prevent me from attaining the true satisfaction I want.
     
  11. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 22

    Just a quick update on my progress. Feeling pretty good lately, although my situation isn't the best at the moment (I'll get into that later). I've been read a lot of the articles on YBOP. Even after being on this forum and knowing about YBOP for this long, I still haven't gone through a lot of the articles on the YBOP site. Of course, I've seen the Rebooting Basics videos, but there are a lot of really helpful and encouraging articles on that site as well. In terms of "real life" (i.e life outside to battling PMO addiction), things are not too good. Lost some money on a poor trade I made a couple weeks back (I sold all my shares in the company earlier this week). Haven't been able to get a lot of studies done for my medical exams, due to some family/friend and financial issues. A close friend of mine has been really sick for the past few months, so I've been helping him get his things in order while he's recovering. This month, I've also come to the realization that many of the people who I thought were my friends have now just become little more than acquaintances in my life. Everybody has "moved on" supposedly.

    Still, I feel pretty good , regardless of all the aforementioned things that have happened to me recently. I feel optimistic about making more money on the stock market this week. I learned a whole lot from this last loss, and I've already begun to implement those lessons in my trading. Although, I didn't get a lot of my medical studies finished, I was able to learn a lot about the mechanisms behind some conventional and many traditional treatments while helping my friend out. So I feel as if my knowledge-base is a whole lot wider now. In terms of the friends versus acquaintances issue, I'm at a place where I need to separate the tares from the good wheat. In other words, just like with porn, I have to let go of the old in order to experience something better in the future. Same thing applies to old friends. I'm not going to totally burn my bridges with some of these people, but at least I'll know who I can trust and depend on, if times get rough later on.
     
  12. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 29

    Everything is going fine so far. My daily schedule has been abnormal because of family members visiting for the holidays. Next week will be back to the regular schedule. In terms of finances, things are looking better. Got into a good trade this week. I made a 50% profit after selling half of my shares this week, and I'm letting the other half ride for some extra profits. Still, I have this feeling of void and emptiness. I also sense a nervous anxiety. It's like my addicted brain is telling me that "Everything is too good, and it will all end up bad soon." Also, I've had dreams of relapsing lately. It's strange that a lot of other rebooters have these dreams as well. These "Addiction Dreams" would be an interesting topic of study. It seems that they occur in most reboots in the early stages (w/in the first month). It would be interesting to research the mechanism behind this response.
     
  13. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 31

    Today I peeked at P after an afternoon nap. I don't know why, but I felt I had no control over the urges at that time. Right as I woke up I had these intense urges to look at P. After a a few minutes I came to my senses and realized how pointless watching P was. I then turned off my device and jumped into the shower. I managed to leave the house without binging or MO'ng. At this point, my main goal is to go a the rest of this year without PMO. Of course, I would like to go monk mode, but right now I just want to reach this first benchmark. I always have to remind myself that this addiction is not due some kind of personality flaw, but it is a biochemical/physical process that has been ingrained in my brain for years. It will take time for me to alter the biochemical/physical aspect of PMO.
     
  14. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 33

    Onto the next day of no peeking. Today I struggled with urges to peek at P, but I managed to make it through the day peek free. The reason why i'm so vulnerable to urges to peek i because I am isolated in my house all day. Being alone is a major trigger. I will probably start going to a library to trade and study. I just hope the internet is good wherever I go))
     
  15. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Robane, from an outsider looking in, you need to do this. Force yourself to go out to the library and I mean use extreme force. You need to break the cycle and break the familiar chain of events that surrounds your current environment. Do it and you'll avoid relapse, plus be more productive.

    Reason I came over to your journal was to thank you for linking to Omega Man's journal. There is a lot of information and particular mindsets I want to pick. Already found a post useful there so thanks and keep going man. Do it for yourself and the rest of us. I will try and get my bearings back as best I can.
     
  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I agree with Ace, you gotta get outta the house bud
     
  17. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 46

    Thanks ace1234 and yearofchange
    @ ace1234- Omega Man's journal is an inspiration to me because his journey and struggles are so relatable to mine (and many others). I'm glad it helped you!

    Haven't posted in a while. Last week I made a real effort to stay out of the house as much as possible. Because of that a lot of the free time I would usually spend posting on here or surfing the internet was spent on the road. I actually got a lot of work done. Last week was relatively productive. This week I'm repeating the same routine as in the last: Taking a shower early in the morning; putting on fresh clothes; minimizing the amount of things I have to do at the house in the morning, so I could leave the house early. I also started using the computer in the living room of my house, and I make sure the TV in that room is on while I'm on the internet. I find that having the TV on while I'm using the internet serves as a useful distraction, so that my mind won't wander off into the PMO direction. Last week Friday, I stayed at home until 3 pm because of trading. I noticed that while I was alone at home, my thoughts became very cynical (and even maniacal). Also, on that day, flashbacks from P started to seep in, and I had some erotic dreams while taking a 15-min. nap. I've realized that whenever I'm in a public space, my thoughts are a lot more sane). Everyday without P is a victory, and by leaving the house for the most part of the day, I am setting myself up for victory.

    Right now, in the second week of no peeking, I feel my libido increasing. I get morning wood (MW) almost everyday now. But, if I get aroused, by even the subtlest of things, I get this annoying "tingling" sensation in my groin after that lasts for a couple hours. It's not blue-balls, and I don't know if there's even a name for it. Because of this sensation, I have to be extra careful while at home. I'm trying to minimize internet usage at home especially late at night (when I don't even have any business being on the internet anyways). I also keep my tablet in my car at nights, and most of the day too, unless I need to use it for skype. Still it would be nice to watch a movie (NOT Porn) online while in my bedroom like in the "old days." But in order to make the kind of changes I want, I have to get rid of some things. I've also vowed to stop listening to "popular" music until the first of January. That means no music with lyrics about "money", "sex", or "violence"...and basically all "popular" music contains at least one of those topics, if not all three.
     
  18. Robane

    Robane Member

    Quick update:

    On day 11 (12/16) I had a minor slip-up and intentionally went on a P site. After a few minutes (20 min of mostly looking at pics and clip titles) I closed down my tablet and put it in the car. Then I went to work out and was able to resist looking at P for the rest of the night. I haven't peeked since. It all started while I was meditating that evening. During the meditation I fell asleep, and when I woke up I had a anxiety-attack-like urges to watch P, coupled with flashbacks of P. Unfortunately, I had a hard time resisting that temptation. This was probably because I had just woken up, and my "executive functioning" was not "fully activated."

    This has happened before. The only difference this time was that I was able to quickly come to my senses right after peeking the first time and remove my device from further access. Previously, when I would peek, I would edge to P w/out MO for hours, or I would go through a cycle of peeking, turning off P, and then peeking again after 15-20 min. This cycle would go on for several hours.

    At this point in time, I'm not aiming for a clean reboot. All I'm aiming for is improvement during this reboot. My goal is to do my best to resist looking at P totally. But if the seldom occasion occurs when I fall short of that goal and find myself succumbing to the temptation to peek, my next steps will be: to come to my senses quickly, turn off my devices, put my devices in a place that is not easily accessible, leave the house, do some other activity.
     
  19. Robane

    Robane Member

    Changing the counter label didn't work out as well as I thought. Lasted about a week without P, but ended up relapsing in the end. I do admit that I have developed that "counter syndrome." I put too much emphasis on how many day's I've gone, but in reality there hasn't been any real progress in my life. My sex/intimate life hasn't changed in the past 6 years. I'm not financially stable. So far, I've failed to make any head-way in the career that I studied for in college. Basically, my life is in shambles, and I I resort to P to escape the reality of my situation. it's an easy fix.

    Right now I have some real mountains to climb in order to get to where I need to be. But I have to keep trucking, keep moving. Sometime I think about just giving up. Just letting PMO back into my life. But, even as bad as things are now, I know it will be 10 times worse with PMO.
     
  20. Robane

    Robane Member

    I'm going to consider going to this:

     

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