My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Robane, May 7, 2012.

  1. Robane

    Robane Member

    Yes, let's do a challenge of no intentional P or no P subs. I personally want to make it to 40 days, but I'm willing to make a shorter or longer goal. For the past couple of reboot attempts, I've had difficulty making it past 30 days. That's why I chose 40 days.
  2. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 7

    Was able to break out of the chaser effect that occur after relapses. Had a great discussion about my future goals with my "real-life" accountability partner. In this reboot I want to develop habitual practices that will distract (deter) me from relapsing. For example, developing the habit of taking a walk whenever I get urges. Or the habit of posting on the forum, and then promptly leaving the house whenever I get urges to relapse.
  3. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 15

    This week was really hectic. Had a lot of work and studies to do. Wasn't able to work-out this week so far. Want to spend the weekend relaxing and unwinding from the stress...but I can't. Have to prepare for the next week. Meditation, though, has helped me relieve some of the stresses of the week.

    Everything is fine in terms of rebooting. Just need to continue this reboot one day at a time. Each day learn a new lesson on self-control. Minimize fantasy as much as possible. I want to get stronger at that in this reboot.
  4. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 29

    Checking back in. Made it past my previous reboot! Whoo!! As predicted the urges surged in yesterday (Day 28). YEsterday I was having some crazy thoughts: flashbacks about P sites, arbitrary and spontaneous thoughts of lust for women. Had to fight harder than usual to suppress those thoughts. Also, I didn't do any meditation yesterday, so that could have explained the scatter-brains that I had. Last night I also had the urge to edge to fantasy before going to bed (a long-time habit stemming from childhood). I was able to resist the temptation by laying on my back, and just letting those thoughts pass. This morning after I woke up, I meditated. Still have urges (restlessness, over-excitement, over-sensitization of/tingling sensation in my genitals from out of nowhere). But today I have a plan to get out of the house by 2pm. So I should be busy. I'm also going to direct this energy towards a work-out session in a few minutes after journaling.
  5. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Man, you are doing great and that's so inspirational. I personally want to reach past that ellusive 30 day mark. Your progress is inspiring. Just keep at it and you will do good. One small piece of advice I would want to give you- Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this until you've learned to live without pmo. Good luck.
  6. Robane

    Robane Member

    Thanks man. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do. Will post about what I've learnt from my relapse later.

    Well, I was able to beat that 30 day mark of making it PMO/peeking free without filters. Took me about a year to do so, but I made it. Will try again in this next reboot to make it to 90 days.

    Want to post some links for myself and for others who are interested in this NoA method...

    Link to a book that I'll start reading soon (it was hyperlinked by SelfControl2013)
  7. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Sorry to hear about your relapse robane. But you need to stand up for yourself. Keep improving with each relapse. And I would want to recommend you a book- Awaken the giant within. It is an excellent read to keep up with your reboot and you will find lot of relevant material in that. It's more about achieving the right thought pattern.
  8. Robane

    Robane Member

    Yeah, I started reading that book a couple months back. Got through a quarter of it. Will probably pick it up again. But I don't think it will teach me anything new. I've already passed that stage of "convincing" myself that P is a bad habit that needs to be eradicated from my life. Now I need to take practical steps to overcome the urges for the addiction.

    The relapse last week was triggered when i cam home late from a party. I was drinking that night, and my friend was streaming hip hop/Afro-pop videos from youtube onto his big screen Almost all of those videos have scantily-clad girls "booty-shaking" in front of the camera. Should have recognized that was a trigger for me and took my eyes away from the screen. But I didn't, and while I was just about to turn the corner to my house i got the urges to watch P. All would have been fine If I had a back-up plan that night. But now I have a backup plan that I can easily implement whenever I get urges at late at nights, when it's after 12 am.

    On last Friday afternoon, I got urges to P while I was at home. I recognized what was going on and promptly left the house that day.

    Everyday i just try to focus on taking practical steps to improve my life on a whole. Slowly, but surely I'm building up my bank account. My goal is to move out of my parent's house before this year ends. I also want to purchase a care this year as well. Want to finally learn how ot play the guitar. I've been putting that off for years now. But I have to do it this year. I also want to learn a new language. Just need to push forward.
  9. Robane

    Robane Member

    Today was a close. Found myself obsessing over pics on tumblr. That made the urges skyrocket. Got off that site by distracting myself with a video tutorial online. So far have been able to resist PMO'ng and edging. Now I'm going to start working out. Have to keep pushing forward!!!
  10. Robane

    Robane Member

    Slipped up yesterday and this morning, by visiting some old sites. Will continue the reboot as a no PMO reboot. I've noticed that I'm able to control urges a lot better these days, in general. I just have to get better at it. Will keep pressing forward.
  11. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    You've got this, my friend. The key thing I think is to slow your breathing and breathe deep when those urges come. I noticed earlier in your journal you stated you were doing "open eyes meditation". I myself, while not particularly following a "strict doctrine" have been doing similar. And that's mainly employed when I catch myself breathing shallow.

    Grounding yourself in the moment can be hard at times, but if one remembers to breathe and then continue engaging in a productive task -- then one can remain conscious and cognizant.
  12. Robane

    Robane Member

    Relapsed again at day 30. Making it past day 30 has been a major roadblock for me for the past year. Don't know why. I guess I need to take special precautions once I'm at day 28 of my reboot.
  13. Robane

    Robane Member

    Relapsed again, and trying not to care about it. Actually I do care about it, but my emotions are all numbed out. This whole week I was testing out the techniqu of immersion therapy. Thought it would help me develop the willpower to stay off P. Will do more research into that method. Wil continue try desensitizing myself to P by using this method.
  14. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 11

    Doing fine so far. I've been reading he website of Todd Becker ( ). Gary Wilson interviewed him a couple months ago. You can find the interview on the the link to Gary's Radio Show on YBOP. Becker talks about how hormesis can help naturally improve our health, both physically and mentally. One example of hormesis, that he writes about on his blog, is taking cold showers. Some og the benefits of cold showers are explained here:
    I have been taking cold showers for the past week or so. I'm finally getting used to it! I attest to the statement that cold showers will leave one feeling energized.

    I have yet to fully understand how I can implement hormesis in battling PMO. Becker has written some articles on this subject ( ). I also found an entry by Omega Man on YBR talking about hormesis ( )
  15. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 14

    Have had some issues with peeking at P today. Today and this week have been pretty bad. There was a lot of stress and disappointment to deal with. I know that watching p makes things worse, but i seems that P/fantasy is my brain's favorite tool of getting rid of that stress. The compulsions have been strong today, but I've been able to quell them down long enough to get on this site and start journaling. I need to make it through this night. Need to push through to at least 30 days no PMO.
  16. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 0

    Ended up relapsing last night. Went on a major binge. Will try to do better. No pain, no gain.
  17. Robane

    Robane Member

    Still reading about the Cue exposure therapy to train my brain to get rid of PMO. Methods of combating addiction such as meditation, mindfulness, and notions of self-efficacy are examples of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. However, according to Todd Becker, "overcoming addiction may not be all that susceptible to “reasoning” and reflection. Addictive cravings are often incredibly powerful and tend to overwhelm rational thinking."

    Here is a quote from Becker's website explaining Cue Exposure Therapy (CET): "The essence of cue exposure therapy is to extinguish the addictive behavior by allowing the addict to be exposed to normal cues or stimuli that typically precede the addictive behavior, but preventing that behavior from getting underway. This clearly leads to significant discomfort and even withdrawal symptoms in serious cases. However if repeated frequently enough, and in the presence of a sufficient variety of cues and contexts, cue exposure therapy can be very successful in extinguishing addiction. Even more importantly, there is evidence that is is successful in preventing relapse over the longer term."

    Today I tried this technique, and I can say that it Extremely difficult and uncomfortable to do successfully. So far, I haven't found how CET has been used by rebooters to get rid of PMO, so i have to do my own experiments with this technique and figure out what does and does not work. This morning I deliberately tempted myself by typing in the the names of famous P stars and P genres into google search, and reading the titles of the results. I allowed myself to browse the google results for 2 minutes. After the 2 minutes was up, I closed the browser and starting another activity, thus preventing a repsonse to the cue/stimulus.

    Later in the afternoon, I was home alone, and I decided to up the ante, by actually going on a P site for 2 minutes, and then closing the browser and moving on to another activity. The first time I did this, I had little problem not following through by responding to the visual stimuli of the website. After my 2 min. alarm went off, I turned off the browser, and moved onto another activity ( which was going to the kitchen for something to eat). However, I did have a feelings of discomfort/anxiety/shortness of breath/ gastric discomfort right after I closed the browser. Those feelings faded after a few minutes The second time did this same experiment, I had a hard time getting myself to close the browser after the alarm went off. Luckily, a friend called around 30s. after the buzzer went off. I quickly closed the browser, and took a walk arounf the block while talking to my friend.

    When using CET for other addictions (food, smoking, alcohol), the practitioners would actually have their patients/subjects be exposed limited amounts of the substance they were addicted to. P, however,differs from all the addictions in that one can use fantasy as a substitute for P. Thus the stimulus in the case of PMO addiction can be intrinsic as well as extrinsic. Plus there are numerous sexual cues in the real world that one can respond to >> (Although, the goal of NO PMO is to better respond to real-world sexual cues from real-life potential mates. Still that response can be transmuted into fantasy, whic can then be used to strengthen P addiction pathways).

    Here's a link to the article by Todd Becker:
  18. Robane

    Robane Member

    It seems that I've been going about the CET all wrong. I read the comment section of the article I posted, and Todd Becker was asked how to use CET for P addiction. Here's what he says:


    Glad that you are enjoying the blog. Your question is a good one, and there is no simple answer. As your comment itself indicates, the steps between an addictive trigger or stimulus and the behavoiral response is often not a simple S-R pair, but rather is a trin or sequence of steps that pull you progressively closer to the behavior, e.g. S1-S2-S3-S4-R. For many addicts, the further you go along this progression, the harder it is to stop.

    According to the research on deconditioning, the best success is achieved by following two principles:

    1. You want to train any stimuli that you are LIKELY to encounter in an ordinary day, but NO MORE than these. Expose yourself only to the earliest stimuli in the stimulus train, e.g. S1 or possibly S2, that you will ordinarily encounter. It’s best not to go any further than that, because it becomes progressively harder to resist the pull of the stimuli. Also, training the early stimuli should ordinarily be sufficient to curb your addiction. So for example, in the case of your pornography addition, S1 might be the end of a stressful work day, S2 might be walking by your computer, S3 is turning on your computer. But it’s probably a bad idea to open up the adult website (S4).

    2. It is important to have an ALTERNATIVE response (R’) ready to perform in place of the addictive response R. So go home and either just look at the computer or possibly turn on the computer, but then have an alternative response ready. It could be
    – walking past the computer, or turning it on and then off, but then going for a nice 10 min walk, phoning a friend, watching a (nonsexy) TV program that greatly interests you, taking a bath. having a meal or drink. The alternate response should be something pleasant that you enjoy. That’s important, so that it reinforces not going further into viewing pornography. If you trust yourself, you could turn on the computer and immediately go to some non-pornographic website with a topic that you really enjoy.

    I don’t know your age, relationship status or dating status. But every human has sexual needs, so think about ways increase your sexual interactions with real live human beings. Exposure therapy may not be so effective if your needs remain unfilled; it is more effective in re-directing urges and needs in a direction that you may find more fulfilling.

    Make sense?

  19. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 3

    Today was a good day in comparison to the past 2 days. It actually feels like a Friday! I got some good feedback from a presentation I made in the lab I intern at. Now the internship has ended, and it's back to full-time studying. Yesterday was crazy bad, though. Since February I've been learning how to trade stocks so i can earn some cash while I study. The day before yesterday I bought into a stock, thinking it was going to give me a good return. The stock ended up tanking, and I sold it at a loss of around 600$ yesterday. That may seem insignificant to some, but I only had 2000$ on my account. So that's around a 20% drop of my portfolio.

    Well I can't change the past. Just have to learn from my mistakes/lack of discipline and do better next time. My main issue is (& this relates to P as well) is that I lack discipline in the moment. For example, on the day before yesterday, I could have sold my shares at a minimal loss. I even told myself to sell out once the price of the stock went below a certain value. But in the heat of the moment, I lacked the discipline to follow through with what I had told myself to do. It's the dame thing with P. During the 2 weeks preceding this last reboot, I reminded myself of all the possible triggers that would lead me to a relapse and what to do in case I get the urge. but when the urges an triggers started, that discipline had vanished, and I CHOSE to relapse. And my relapses always start off with the desire to "peek" at a site to see whether that "new vid" came out. So, for me, developing that discipline to battle this addiction in the "heat of the moment" is critical (this also applies to stocks).
  20. Robane

    Robane Member

    Day 5

    Have to pull myself together. Having strong urges to relapse. Will leave the house for a walk. Just need to change my environment.

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