My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Earthsnake, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Have decided that getting laid is not in my priorities anymore. I've signed up for Mark Queppet's Reforged man course, and have been going through that. I got a streak of 14 days no PMO, until this past Saturday night. Saturdays have always been the hardest night, but this one... I went on a date, had no expectations, had a beer... I Think the beer just clouded my judgement, and I thought, eh, I could use some pleasure.

    But I think this was happening far before. The seeds were planted when I was on my walks imagining myself in a band, but not really in one in real life. Wishing for a life different from the one that is currently present. And so fantazising a lot, equated eventually to probably fantasizing about porn.

    It's hard to accept where I'm at. It's not where I want to be. But somehow I think it's the only way past this. On the positive side, I did go 14 days no masturbating, longer than I've ever gone before.

    Realizing I was quite jerk during the time of my last post, not wanting to go monogamous with that other girl. Because now, monogamous is exactly what I want. But hopefully with someone who doesn't have kids.
     
  2. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Had a victory yesterday! I got quite the huge urge to pmo, but I implemented some energy shifting techniques- mainly Negation, and lasted the night. I was peaking in the middle of the day, down a very slippery slope, but I ended up not doing it to porn at the end of the night. So I call that a victory.

    Couldn't say the same for halloween weekend, I think due to obvious reasons you all can probably understand why.

    Today is a Sunday. I have a list of things I want to do today. I'm hoping that through out the day I"ll have the energy to cross them out one by one.

    I did feel a sense of FOMO yesterday as Biden won. The cities were celebrating, my parents even sent me a video of the area around my childhood home banging pots and pans, and celebrating in the streets. Feeling like I missed out on a joyous celebration. But I celebrated in spirit with them nonetheless.

    Considering I'm in a smaller city in the midwest, I've been experiencing a sense of FOMO in general. I'm not "in" on events, I have 4 guy friends, 3 of whom haven't responded to any of my texts recently, and I just feel like I"m missing out on all the action in the big cities. I spent my childhood and most of my 20's in big cities, so I've been really thinking and trying to figure out how to go back. Chicago could be a good solution. Less expensive than NYC, but still with a big music and arts scene

    In other news... I've entered a new "partnership" with a lady. Part of me thinks it healthy, but other part of me doesn't. Because it really means that I'm still having sex, but I'm abstaining from porn and masturbation. I find that when I do have sex with her, the urge to pmo intensifies quite a lot. Part of me feels I Could do better. That I should wait out for a woman who is more attractive. I know if I end things I'd hurt her feelings... possibly. But, possibly better to do it earlier, and maintain 90 days of sobriety. I had about 45 before deciding to go back into dating. It was my choice. I went against my sponsor's advice, and he decided to stop sponsorsing me. That hurt, so I doubled down, and figured I'm ready.

    I really don't like taking other people's advice- especially cause this guy has never had the experience of casual hook ups that I have, and he's double my age. So he doesn't understand the difference in lifestyle I'm trying to make. How difficult and infuriating it is that I need to go through this. It's hard to find a balance, cause realistically, going 90 days without masturbation completely scares the shit out of me. Mainstream doctors say it's unhealthy. And in the sex saturated country we live in, it just seems impossible to not get triggered and stick on this path without becoming uber conservative or christian or something.

    So I'm in a bind here. Cause I'm not 100% bought in. But I know long term, a period of time- perhaps even if I did 30 days of no masturbation- would heal me. Biden's words were super inspiring last night. "Now is the time to heal".
     

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