My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Earthsnake, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Went to a meetup this evening. Felt kinda like a mixed bag. First, I was happy, and anticipating genuinely sharing my skill with others- as that was the theme.
    So I did. And it went ok, but I felt off. Like even as I was doing it, my playing wasn't so great, and I felt like others had these "cool" things to share. Mine felt- too serious. My first therapist in college I ever saw told me during our first session that I seemed like a very serious person. Maybe socially that's my default mode.

    Anyway, what struck me, was yes although I did get a laugh or two through out the evening, there were 1 or 2 other guys that just seemed to have the eyes of the ladies. They just had this laid backness about them, and especially in their skill sharing, like very attuned to a fun way of being. I could tell that one girl was obviously into one guy, immensely- and I'll admit he was a likable guy. Foreign, on the tall side, had a bit of an accent, of course girls like that stuff.

    But it made me wonder, how can I be more fun? Could it just have been my choice of activity went a little too deep? I'm a deep person and not really oriented towards "bubble gum" fun activities. Plus lugging my instrument back and forth the whole evening wasn't all that fun either, even though I've done that many many times.

    Partially could've been I'm interested in getting to know a particular girl in that group a little more. That's the one thing about group situations is it's a little difficult to make your intentions known in a socially acceptable way. I mean you can't just start talking to her one on one exclusively without including others in the group.

    If I were doing online dating, that would be much more direct, and with much more direct attention- as in making it clear *this* is why I'm here. But in group settings, it's just not socially acceptable to do so, or you just need to navigate a little more, and pick your moments. So far, I may have had a moment, but it's not like I'm head over heels for this girl. But, I would gladly like to hang out with her and get to know her more.
     
  2. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    An absolute Gem that I came across a few weeks ago. I've watched it a few times since, and I think that he hits on some really wise and true points that I really resonate with, and that are true. Especially when it comes to living in a post modern world, and the blurring of right and wrong that come with it, and how we must define for ourselves, and follow our true values, rather than give into the whole "everything is great and ok" and "no judgement" culture.

    Anyone else here follow him?

     
  3. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Crap. I slipped up yesterday, and felt SOOOOO BAAAD after. It's only been 18 days since the last slip...

    I thought I had this taken care of, I had done my 90 days twice in a row, then 112 days, but now, I cannot even do 20...

    Fuck I thought I had this stuff handled, but it's not... and that is scary cause I don't want to be 40 with kids when one of them walks in while I'm doing the deed. That's just a formula for divorce.

    I have a theory of what led to it: So I had a super productive day. It was my second day of no sugar, and I was feeling extremely determined- I emailed 5 contacts, went to 2 instrument stores to advertise my services as a teacher, and came across a potential job at one of them! Great right!

    While I was walking to one of the stores, there was a very attractive woman walking in the same direction as me, and at about the same pace for 10 blocks. During the time least 5 guys turned their heads, one guy pulled up in his car and asked "what's your name?"

    I noticed her, but I felt that this was a universal test. It was a test to see whether I'd place more attention on her, or continue with my mission of finding work.

    Of course I appreciated her beauty a little, but overall focused on my mission.

    Great.

    So after a very successful outing, I decided to reward myself. I got some muffins at a store- got 2 muffins of them, thinking that after such a successful day, why not reward myself?

    Had one around 4, and continued with my day.

    I had decided at the end of the day there was a girl I was going to ask out.

    So around 8:30 I called her up, and left a voice mail mentioning I had a question to ask.

    And then it started... I could not wait. I practiced for a little to distract myself, but I was just waiting for her to call me back...

    10 came, I thought fuck it and texted her the question. "Do you want to get coffee next week?"

    I couldn't stand the wait!! the anticipation!!! I had a beer just to hold me over (mistake) then called my friend to ask if I did the right think, to which he said no, so that made me feel worse. Cause now I was just thinking the worst- that I would have texted her while she's out on another date or something, in which case I wouldn't have texted her at all cause I don't deal with fucking women like that!

    Then she texted me back she was going somewhere for the week and that it would have to wait until she got back.

    Fuck it. I'm not waiting for that shit. I've gotten over the oneitis myth a long time ago of "waiting for the right one", so why not have all these girls at my porn harem- cause today's logic- is that girls need to know you have other things going on, but that doesn't make sense! Because where is true romance when you are just dating over and over again?

    This fucking world sucks. The fucking myth of finding the right one... they say it's bullshit. I want to not believe it, but it's either find the right one, or just fuck it right?
     
  4. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Holy fuck I want to PMO so badly right now... trying to record a piece I am starting to write but having technical difficulties as garage band won't recognize that my mic is plugged in... fuck!

    I've had a decent past couple of days- performed a concert yesterday and recording session today. Music stuff is picking up, have a few students lined up potentially for August, and last night I went to see a heavy metal string quartet play for inspiration, and to put myself out there into the music scene here.

    I've always wanted to play in a band and tour... that was my dream when I was a teenager, and is still a dream I have. I'm looking to write my own stuff too, which I'm trying to but when the fucking mic doesn't work, PMO is a really tempting option...

    I know PMO is gonna have to be gone from my life in order to fulfill the dreams I want, but the problem is these dreams have not come even close to being fulfilled.
     
  5. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Update- and question to throw out there for anyone who reads this:

    I texted a girl I've met a few times and asked if she'd like to meet for coffee. She replied that she'd like to meet as friends. When I saw this, It felt kinda like closing the door towards any romantic possibility, but inquiring I figured was not the best option. I called up someone who gave me the advice to basically say what I feel- and what I feel, is I don't know if I want to date her or not, but I'd like to get to know her better, but, I would most certainly be resentful if she popped the "I have a boyfriend" at some point, because that would basically be wasting my time. I don't mind friends at first, BUT, I really want the door to still be open to at least a romantic possibility at some point in the future. Her having a boyfriend does not cut it, because
    A) If I were in a boyfriend's position, I would not want my girlfriend to be meeting one on one with someone who saw her as a romantic possibility, and
    B) It's deceitful, because it's waiting for your "turn" (if it ever happens) and that is just demasculating and resent-creating.

    So I texted her that I found her attractive, and would like to get to know her better.

    Those of you in this age range- Do you think that was an appropriate response? I find that texting is so fucking difficult when it comes to asking someone out and would have much preferred to have asked her in person- where you can sorta see non-verbal cues. But texting was the medium I had. With dating sites it's easier, cause clearly you are both on there to find someone, but texting someone you've met a few times... it almost seems harder, even though that's ironic cause you've already met them!
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2017
  6. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Day 18.

    I've been really attempting to focus my efforts recently on what I have, rather than what I don't. It's a concept that someone introduced to me recently, and a new way of framing things. But I think by doing this work and by writing in my gratitude journal almost every day, it's starting to get easier. I'm naturally a very jealous person, and the way to counteract jealousy is with gratitude.

    Objectively, things are getting better. My student base is growing, and I've been performing more. Yesterday I performed a solo house concert in front of 14 or so people. I found very soon, that I did not like being the center of attention, and the interesting thing is, the way I felt, it seemed to transfer to the audience. At the start, I rushed when I spoke, and didn't really know what to say, and it was kinda translating into the audience just giving me a blank stare, not much feedback. Although when I got to my own pieces, I said a lot more and felt more comfortable, and felt the same way with the audience- some of the women were smiling, and it was interesting how it started to change and become more natural.

    Of course afterwards it was easy to focus on what went wrong- it was outside, my instrument sounds better inside, I was awkward, I'll never get anywhere in this business if I'm not comfortable in my own skin... blah blah blah.

    I took up the practice of focusing on went right. Well, I played decently, the audience seemed to enjoy it. They are the ones who signed up for it, they KNOW what they signed up for, so I gave them what they wanted, and objectively, it was a nice afternoon of me performing some pieces for them. I got some questions, I answered them, and we had a nice afternoon.

    Plus, people brought cookies and chips, and they socialized, and I also made some money at the end.

    I've been reading this book called Hardwiring Happiness that we are hardwired into negativity because that is what allowed us to survive in our caveman days, but in reality life is a lot more convenient these days, but our brain hardware has not kept up with our technological upgrading. As a result, we need to consciously develop our muscle to take in the positive, because our brain more naturally just looks for problems, and it's default mode is to focus on the negative and learn from it. While that might have lead to greater likelihood of survival in the past , it makes for a shitty life and a lot of depression now. I've found this to be extremely true, as it takes a lot of hardwork to take in the good from situations, rather than just rest on the bad. But, apparently it gets easier, since our brain is a sponge, so maybe at some point, taking in the good will get easier automatically.
     
  7. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    I slipped up on day 22 last night.

    Afterwards, felt like crap as I knew I would. I had a drink beforehand, and that was the kicker, because when my mind is clouded even with a little bit of alcohol, the prefrontal/ override part of my brain just does not work in preventing the part of my brain that says it's a great idea.

    So I'm writing down here, and I'll write in my journal, that I'm going to abstain from drinking alcohol for 1 month. Because alcohol's not a necessarily a trigger in itself, but it leads to a clouded mind, which makes it much more likely for me to slip up, or some other habit which I'm trying to prevent.

    However another thing- as I was meditating today, I didn't really feel any shame like I normally do when I slip up. Instead I just had these imagined riffs stuck in my head. It made me think that porn, while a destructive habit, it is providing me something... my best guess, is that because I don't have a social life, it's my way of letting loose, just letting go of things, letting go of rigid thoughts, and just being all out. So it IS serving me in some way.

    So now the question is, how can I serve myself in that same way, but without porn? My first guess is making friends and getting some sort of social life. Out of sheer coincidence, I have 2 potential social opportunities tomorrow, I think there is a way I can do both...
     
  8. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Need to write something now. I'm really angry at this moment, because I was mistreated last night- I had a one night stand last weekend, decided to see the girl again yesterday. But the first time, she mentioned that she was seeing other guys too, and I told her I was not ok with that.

    It was the one thing that I hated, staring at me right in the face. But, getting laid was at least a confidence boost. But then yesterday after hanging out with her a bit at a place, I went back to her place. She told me she was going to freshen up, and when she did, it literally felt like I was visiting a prostitute. Like this mechanical air that she does this with every guy she meets.

    I couldn't go through with it- and I brought up the conversation again- I told her if she isn't going to treat me the way I would treat her, then this will not work. She didn't even feel upset- and that was the worst part! I wanted to upset her, and she just followed through like a cold calculated computer.

    I"m not going to repeat the names I would call her here because the last time I did I got suspended from this site briefly, but those of you reading this know what names I'm referring to. I believe Feminism and the Post-modernist movement have created these monsters like her. She wished me that I find what I'm looking for. I didn't wish her back, because I knew she would not find what she was looking for- at least in the way that she's looking for it now. And if she did, then I was, and still am hoping that she does not.

    It's a really fucking crappy experience to be in that position- that I had absolutely no power.

    Finding a stable job? Yeah fuck you, how do you do that when you've never stepped foot in an office before? And quite frankly, from the way things worked out last time it's only a matter of time before I go on a fucking rampage in this "political correct" type of office environment and world.

    I don't know how those of you with a stable job do it. Someone told me once to be "happy" for other's success. Holy fucking shit. Why would I do that?
     
  9. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Not sure how many of you follow the whole google memo thing that's been going around, but I want to share my views on it: I read the document last night, and quite frankly, I didn't see anything wrong with it. It seemed like a perfectly coherent document that cited real facts, and real evidence, which if anything, the reactions of people seemed to prove what was said in it!

    Anyway, as someone who was fired in the past due to my speech, I most definitely have sympathy for someone else fired for writing something that he felt was true. Stiffling the conservative viewpoint, as liberals are eager to do, will not solve the problem... It adds to it, it's like stuffing down food to make your headache feel better. Or like watching porn to feel better (ha).

    Anyway, I'm nearly a month free from p at this point. I haven't done so well staying off the internet however- and I have not been practicing my instrument much at all. I have been teaching a fair amount however, and doing these 2 part time jobs.

    Emotionally, I've still been stuck. During my meditation in the morning I'm not calm at all, and it's very difficult to remain present. It's hard to grasp meaning in every day life. I still feel like I'm not really following my dream/purpose, and I'm kinda just doing these side things, and quite frankly putting myself last because of that. It's either hustle to make $$, or be bored but contemplative... though I tend to get depressed when I'm bored, so at least my days are pretty full now.

    But it feels like busy work: In me heart of hearts, I do not see myself living this life, and it sure as hell isn't sustainable. I'm young, and can do it now, but when I'm 40... it would be really tricky. Today was tough, as I got very anxious at work because my boss was noticing that I wasn't knowing what I needed to know for this new part time job... first of all, because it's slow, I haven't had to actually work with customers, and so haven't been provided with real world examples of what they do there... But then when she confronted me about my lack/gaps in knowledge so far, I felt panicky, like I wanted to escape the room and just fire myself to get it over with. Probably anxiety there.

    But I just feel like a complete Alien here in NYC. Didn't feel like this in Boston or Vermont. Felt "at home", but Ironically, I feel far less at home at my childhood home than at any of these places where I was learning how to grow up, or really what my values were, and how I can make my way in this world. It's really hard. It's really really hard to just put all the pieces together, and I feel like I'm breaking the puzzle more often than putting it together... in the Slight edge, I'm on the "downward slope" in Every element of my life, except for perhaps health, and maybe career if you can consider what I have one. Just don't know how to get back on the right path again...
     
  10. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Ok. So I've had 2 slips in a row this past week. One on the 13th, and one just last night on the 18th. I felt the whininess in me this morning, but I think taking a bit of a logical look at this will help more, as I just came to a realization that they both have in common:

    The 13th happened when I got stood up on a date. First time that has happened.
    Yesterday, I made plans with a new guy I met, and he canceled on me sorta last minute.

    BOTH of these slips happened because I got rejected socially. Whether or not it was intentional rejection, they were both events that I was looking forward to happening,

    BOTH times they apologized. While yesterday he explained, the girl on the 13th did not. But that didn't really help either way, as they both still struck me as a social rejection, that I had to deal with the downfall of the unexcitement that happens when someone cancels on you.

    So, Ok, being canceled on is a trigger. Part of the trigger stirrings that began yesterday were after Karate. I only attended the first part, and left before sparring. I didn't bring my sparring gear, but as I left, I got his message. I very much enjoy sparring, so I was kinda upset that I put HIM before me, and then he didn't follow through. Same thing with the week before, except with a woman.

    So my justification, was now I need to put myself, before myself, and what better reason to do that with a little porn sesh?

    Tricky. Very Tricky. I think next time I'll bring my sparring gear no matter what, and make sure to put myself first for all social situations, rather than adjusting to others.
     
  11. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Went to an all men's meetup last night. I told them my situation- on how 2 months ago I was working a crappy job, but then over the course of these last few months, I've worked my way in to 2 part time jobs, plus a handful of students. I'm also officially moving out of my parent's house in 2 weeks, so looking forward to that. The group moderator, who's known me through this time, told me that I deserved more than a pat on the back for what I've done, and that I wasn't giving myself enough credit- still letting the porn addiction problem slip through, as I did speak about that. So to really bask in this moment where I have gained independence, and created a life that actually may work for me for a while.

    So yeah, I'd say that objectively, I'm doing alright. I'm starting to make more money than I ever have in my life, on a consistent basis, about to be on my own.

    Doesn't help the fact that I could really use a woman now. I had plans to go on a date last weekend, we had messaged each other back and forth, sent a few texts, and even had a place where we'd meet. Then she canceled 20 minutes before, saying that she was sobbing on her way over because she wasn't over her ex she broke up with not too long ago.

    I was pissed... for a second. But I decided to give her another shot because it may turn out to be a good thing. It may not, but I think giving it the chance at this point is better to find someone who things could very well work out with, than not give it a chance.
     
  12. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    I've stopped writing on here the past couple months- and that has been a mistake. Because in the period since my last post, I had a few 40+ day streaks, but I recently broke a 45 day streak a few days ago. I think in March I was taking this less seriously- and I wasn't doing anything about the negative thoughts I had growing.

    I recently read somewhere else on here that this needs to be tackled aggressively. I'm thinking I'll really start my running and gym routine again. Maybe running 2 times a week, and going to the gym 3 times per week is the way to go.

    But most of it has to do with loneliness. I"m still so goddamn lonely. At work, it's me an my boss, and my co workers don't like me, and I don't like them- because they are successful with their gigging. One is actually leaving, and holy shit do I want to fuck her up. She thinks she has the audacity to tell me what I'm doing wrong, when she's the one leaving and getting gigs that I want to get. Such a fucking cunt.

    I mean that's why I can't stop this PMO- it's because I have literally no power in this world. I've spent the last 1.5 months going up to women and starting conversations. I got a few dates, but no sex. That sucks. I mean how can you have power when you can't get sex from women? One even told me about her crazy days, and then when I suggested a second date, she said she wasnt' interested. Let's just say I didn't reply well to her.

    Fucking sucks man. This whole world. I don't get why women can do whatever they want, while us guys are stuck trying to defeat addiction on these forums. It's so unfair!! Frankly, I understand why all the mass murderers do what they do. It's because that was the only way they could find their power. But the only difference between me and them, is that I don't actually carry out what I want to do to the world. Casue I know it's wrong and it would ruin my life, spending the rest of it in jail. I guess better to be a porn addict than spending your life in jail right?
     
  13. BeInControl

    BeInControl New Member

    Dude, you need to change your thinking/thoughts and not blame other people (woman) for youre failures. We all struggle at some point - also woman, if not woman the most. A wise man once said "If you dont like where you are, then change it - you are not a tree" You and only YOU have control over your life, and if you really wants change and succes you can achieve it. You dont like your job? Find a new one. You dont like youre co-workers then tell them what is bordering you. Get som balls and do something about it! Sorry for youre recent relapse, keep going and stay strong my dude, life is short to regret anything - do what you want with it. Btw girls come and go, and you will find the one... one day.
     
    Brit_91_kd likes this.
  14. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Don't you fucking tell me to change my thinking when you have no idea where my thinknig comes from! I don't know who that wise man is, but he's an idiot. You can't change your thinking with out changing your experience, and your experience in the world is based on, well, your experience.

    If you've experienced mostly rejections, your gonna feel like shit. If you've experienced mostly successes, your gonna feel great.

    It's not my fault that last night I went on a date with a woman who expected me to foot a $50 dollar bill and then got surprised when I told her that I didnt' think that was my responsibility and I got angry. That's a problem of different cultures. Maybe dating a feminist would be ok, because they are the ones who think bills should be split half way, or everyone pays for what they got.

    I've experienced mostly rejections, and over and over and over. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not. But I don't know who the fuck you are, but you seem like one of those woo woo positive thinking guys who I think are annoying as hell. You have to meet me from where I'm starting. Which is why I'm currently now working with an anger management therapist. Finally.
     
  15. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    2 updates today.

    1) I went out bar hopping with a new friend yesterday, but also to talk to girls. After about 5 or so "uninterested's", my friend and I ended up talking to these 2 chicks for a while. After 20 minutes or so, they stepped away, told us they were going to another area, and I was like "ok, let's give it time." They need their space, and it's best not to look too needy or clingy.

    I noticed after about 10 minutes, 2 other guys came up to them and we both were like "Fuck!" we waited too long. We went to a few other groups, who of course procceded to blow us out as well. Finally, I felt the aggression in me rise, and so I went up to the girl, interrupted the conversation she was having with this other guy, and asked her for her phone # to meet up later. She tried telling me she'd take mine. I said "no. I'll take yours". I could feel the anger rising in me. By this point, the guy she was talking to at the time walked away, as I think he could sense my aggression. Then after giving me the first 3 digits, her friend told me that they felt uncomfortable giving me her number.

    First time in my life that a girl literally told me that she felt uncomfortable giving her my phone number. I decided to back off, as I didn't want to go any further on the bad guy spectrum then I was on.

    I stormed out of the bar with my friend, and went home soon after another unfulfilling approach.

    Today, a homeless man was on the subway. After passing by a bunch of white dudes in rap clothing and calling them some names, he went to me. I was one of the few standing in the car. He was aggressive towards me. Asked me for money, I said "no" and shook my head and looked away. He then went on to call me a faggot and "you wanna fight?" or some shit. I kept staring away, but did not back down or look scared. I ignored him, kept a strong confident frame in my body, but also in the back of my mind prepared mentally in case he did actually start a fight with me. It was a relatively crowded train, so perhaps that helped too.

    I made the connection, that perhaps my aggression towards this girl last night came back around as aggression shown towards me. It felt like an intuitive insight into what I put out into the world is what I get. Like the universe is trying to show me how my actions and aggression is being perceived in the world.

    2) I've decided to 100% go to Minnessota for a program that I have been thinking through over the past few months. So I think from now on, no more bars. Or at least hitting on girls at bars. Save money. Try to find alternative things- like dance classes and parties. Signed up for a Salsa class for the rest of this month.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2018
  16. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Day 9.

    Feel a little weird saying this on a public forum, but I've been crying a lot the past few days. Almost everyday, I'll remember a song that has had a real impact on me, and it just brings me to tears. A week ago, it was at work- and had to stop the song. I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of my life here- maybe it's a release of some sort, maybe it's a signal towards the right direction. It seems like when a story makes you cry, it's your soul being revealed, or calling out in some way.

    Anger is deadening to my soul, so maybe it's calling out to be found again. Just this morning, there was a song stuck in my head. I notice these past couple days since I haven't M'd, I"ve felt more sensitive. But also I"ve felt more grounded. I actually practiced yesterday and today, and wrote some new riffs for a song. Partially could be some inspiration as my roommate's girlfriend is staying until the weekend. She went for a run, and I was inspired to go for a run this morning as a result. It's nice to have someone who's living a healthy lifestyle, since it felt like it rubbed off me.

    But then of course, am I able to continue it myself without the inspiration of his girlfriend? I can try, but women seem to just have this ease about them. Like they just run, they just smile, they're just happy about life- or at least they portray it a fuck of a lot better then us men. I'm kinda envious of that, but I'm wondering if I can use it as inspiration to move forwards, and to develop some of that in myself... Maybe it's self love?
     
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  17. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well, I broke my 4 month dry spell on Thursday. With some girl I met on an app. After weeks of trying to get laid, I finally met one. It has been my one weekend priority for a good while, though even afterwards, I just felt this feeling of "oh, that was nice, but it wasn't amazing" I mean it sure was a rush, but not anything super great. Felt more like mutual masturbation than anything else. But I was glad to get it out of my system.

    Last night I met up with another girl on the same app- she's coming over for dinner tonight. I'm thinking of taking the middle road with this process. Cause it's been about 2 weeks since I PMO'd- though you could say I've been not doing the best thing in terms of swiping girls on dating apps- I know that it's kinda like the porn, but I don't give a shit at this point. If I need to get laid, then I'm going to get laid.

    At the beginning of last night I met up with another girl who actually literally busted out on me. We were sitting for 10 minutes, I started edging my knee towards her leg, was tying to escalate and told her she was cute, and then at that moment she said she needed to meet up with her friend who was leaving in a bit.

    I think that's the first time I've ever made a girl feel uncomfortable enough to leave right then and there. She was younger- 21 or 22, but seemed very friendly in her texts back and forth, and we had actually met in person first.

    I guess it's luck of the draw at this point. But I'm spending too much money overall on drinks at bars, and have been for the past 3 months, while I should be saving it for school. Probably should be fine, I mean as long as I find some way of making money when I'm at school I'll be ok.

    Have been trying to get back into meditation. Can do it for a little, but I feel numbed out. The pleasure side of me is winning- it's just in a different way from pmo. It's empty with beers tying to get laid. As opposed to going to friends party's and making friends. Having real deep social connections. I yearn for that and really hope I'll be able to find it at this next school I'm attending.
     
  18. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well 8 month update here! Day 67 no PMO! There is so much to say, but I'll keep it on the brief side for now.

    I didn't intentionally not write for this long, but I also in a way did. In July I was living in NYC, not really enjoying it. Couldn't hear myself think. It was right around the time I was about to move to a small town in the Midwest to study in this program. I made that move halfway across the country. 3 day car drive, first time driving that large distance on my own.

    The first couple days were definitely a culture shock. Driving everywhere, NO ONE walking on the streets(!), but I've been here for about 5 months now. This program is not only a means to an end, but I take it as a spiritual experience. It is training my left brain- my analytical, logical side. Which as a musician I think has been under-emphasized in my education and training for life. As a result, the porn urges are not as over bearing and strong, even though they still come once in a while. I have built an internal mental system to "talk them through". Last night was one example, which is possibly why I'm here now... to share what I did in the hopes that someone reading this could talk themselves out of it as well if they have an urge, and maybe my future self too.

    I played the tape. I said yeah... it'll feel good, but if I go through with this, I will feel like crap for 1 whole day! Is an hour or so of pleasure worth the pain for a day? Or could I endure the momentary displeasure of not watching it, which will probably only last a few minutes, and feel like a slight downer. BUT, tomorrow I will have all the energy I've aquired from not going through with this. and if I'm in a position to meet a girl, I will be in a more suitable subconcious state to make it so I can attract her, and have a much higher chance of going on a date with her.

    That's what I said. It worked. I'm now figuring out if it makes sense to attend a spiritual seminar I looked up that would be an hour's drive from here with all this snow... making judgements on travel is also a skill I've been acquiring up in these frosty northern lands. My usual routine is to work out on Sundays but I"ve been getting a sense that I could use a one time change up.
     

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