My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Earthsnake, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    The music industry is at the highest economic and financial prosperity it has ever been. They are constantly looking for new people to fit the roles, that were created. for ex: I was really not too into classical music until I found a viral youtube video maan hamedi at airport, it changes the way i see things and for a lot. On top of potential stardom, there are a lot of app platforms like musically, vine, etc trying them all out along side youtube can yield some revenue stream which may become more than what we thought. I think for us addicts, the bigger prize is actually starting and the hardword, determination, the heavy lifting will build us up to the point we realize we don't really need this addiction anymore. It can also change the way we think to being more positive. Since all this is free, it doesn't hurt to try.

    be well, I'm sure you will figure things out.
  2. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Looks like it's been around 6 months since I wrote here... shit. Well, here's an update.

    Soon after I wrote my last post, I found a coach, and I gave him half of my savings at the time to enroll in his program, hoping that he would help me with some guidance and lead me in a good direction. Also hoped to god that he wasn't a con artist.

    He encouraged me to take action. In late September I was starting to hang out with a girl, and In mid-October I got a job as a cook. Also in mid-October, said girl and I got more serious, and started dating.

    November 11th was so far the last day I PMO'd, and so as of today, I am on day 84 of no PMO. The last time I got to this point, was last year in March, and I actually went back in to watching

    In December, I was able to get a gig booked every weekend- 2 weekends at a mall, a Christmas Eve gig, and a Holiday party at a funeral home (I guess everyone needs cheer huh, go figure...)

    In January, the state I live in raised it's minimum wage, and through that, I got a wage increase for my day job. Also, the girl and I were starting to get more serious.

    4 days ago, she broke up with me. Pretty much out of nowhere and I wasn't expecting it. Granted, I was feeling a bit of a disconnect between us in the weeks leading up to it, but I didn't think that that was enough to end the relationship. But to her, it was. So she ended it. It's difficult, because we talked on the phone every day for 4 months, visited each other weekly, and had many good moments, and I thought it was starting to deepen. But something just wasn't working, and ultimately, I agreed. Ultimately in my heart I had a feeling that she may not be the woman for me, and I not the man for her.

    However, what was markedly different, was my response to the break up. The break up before this one, I got a restraining order, lost my job, and thought my life was going to be over from thinking I would be charged with something.

    4 days ago... I felt sad. There was no anger, or at least very little. There was only sadness, and confusion. There was a void. It hurt. It definitely did, but the huge tidal wave of emotions, and rage and destruction that I thought normally 'should' accompany breakups... it wasn't there.

    I thought about the Japanese saying- the strong person is one who falls 7 times, but gets up 8. Yes there was pain. Yes I cried. But there wasn't overwhelment. There was just a hurt, a tenderness. I once heard/read somewhere- that in life, we are all swimming in an ocean, and we all get knocked down. The first time, when we're in shallow water, a wave comes and just knocks us straight down. We pick ourselves up, brush the sand off, and keep walking. A second wave comes, boom. Down again. Brush the sand off, keep walking. Third wave, same, but maybe you don't fall as hard this time, and are able to catch yourself. Then 4th, 5th, 6th... until there comes a point, where the waves come, and you don't get knocked down any more. You can remain standing, while it crashes over you. This is what is also called building resilience.

    The next day, I got a raise at work, and was told I'd start training to be a supervisor.

    Also, as of today, I am 84 days PMO free. The last time I reached this number was March last year, and I actually broke it on day 84. I find it interesting how today I'm at the exact same number, even though I didn't quite intentionally think "hey, after 84 days I'm gonna write on my journal again." Since the break up, the idea has crossed my mind to watch a little bit, have a little session, considering I'm single and just got broken up with.

    At this point, after going through the quitting, and re-quitting PMO process for around 3 years now, I'm 100% sure that if I do PMO, and break this streak, I'd regret it, and find it extremely difficult to get back on the horse again. At this point, It actually feels little easier to not watch than it feels to default to it. But also, I think there are positives- I'd like to channel the energy and confidence I'll gain from this point on, rather than go back to a default PMOing, which puts me in a foggy headed, depressed, and everything unpleasant state.

    So, goodnight, and I hope you all "stay clean"!
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2017
    Londoner likes this.
  3. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    You've got the right attitude - keep it going.
    Earthsnake likes this.
  4. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Long day today. Got to work at 7, left and didn't leave till 4.

    One thing I've been thinking about is- it seems like many days are just the same. Not sure if that's what it's like being in a routine, but I'm starting to feel like things are just...boring. Like every day I do the same thing- work, and then waste my time on facebook/news sites for an hour or two.

    Last night I went to a group meditation, so I could be social. I was able to talk to one guy at the beginning, and one girl caught my fancy there, but I never got a chance to talk with her. There was a portion of the evening where we were all free to say what was on our minds, and I mentioned that I got broken up with the week before. I was metaphorically kicking myself after saying that, since my logic was saying, now that I admitted I'm single to a group, I pretty much just lost all chances. But one of the leaders, who was female, offered me a hug after it was over. I really appreciated it, and felt that she truly was wanting to help me out. I think that made the evening quite nice.

    I'm thinking now is probably not the time yet to focus on getting a girlfriend. Maybe in a week or 2 I can resume my search, but I haven't M'd in 4 days, so it's hard not to think about it ;)
  5. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well today is day 94 of no PMO. Can't say that I've been experiencing any "super powers" or anything like that. But a couple patterns.

    I notice I have more energy when I go 3 or more days no masturbating. I made a decision to follow a Tantric formula that I heard about recently: of your age minus 7, divided by 4. That is the number of days in between each time you ejaculate, so in my case, it would be every 5 days, because I'm 27.

    I went 5 days last week in a row without M. This week, I planned to do the same... except hah, no. M'd yesterday, the day before, and I ate a ton of sugar today to combat my anxiety about my big day tomorrow... Fuck.

    Tomorrow is a day that I've been preparing for for a while- If I'm selected, I'd join a program that trains you how to be a teacher, which if I get in, would most guarantee me a salaried teaching job by September. Except as it comes to crunch time, I'm sabotaging myself by eating sugar...

    That's how the pattern has been: If I don't have porn, I binge on sugar. If I don't have sugar, I binge on porn. Good thing I work out...

    I DID stop myself before after eating half a chocolate muffin this afternoon as I was planning on eating the whole thing... That's good. To stop yourself before you go too far down the rabbit hole. I don't know I'm lonely... I think I need to socialize or something...

    So no matter what. No Sugar tomorrow. Even wrote it in my calendar.
  6. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Good luck!
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  7. MWatson90

    MWatson90 Member

    Hey earthsnake I read over your postings, I know the feeling of craving sugar / craving porn and when you remove one you want more of the other. That must have something to do with the low dopamine in the brain because of withdrawing from porn. I really don't have much advice to give as I'm in the same boat, hell I've never made it as far as 90 days and it's a little scary to hear that for you even after such a long period of time you relapsed and still have times where you don't feel better. But like you said I shouldn't compare myself to other people...

    I wish you luck man the only thing I can say is, you might want to avoid making any big life decisions while you are fighting this addiction, as our brains are really out of whack and we aren't making good emotional / rational decisions at this stage. Entering that teaching program might be an idea but the stress could lead to relapses and more depression.

    It's cool to see your meditating and seeing a therapist. I'm meditating everyday and it's helping a ton, your def on the right track.

    Thanks for posting man I'm rooting for you bro.

  8. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Wow urge is hitting me really intensely at the moment... I don't think looking at Craigslist personals is helping.

    The pros- it might feel awesome, I've done 96 days porn free so far, am I really addicted still?

    Cons- I know if I did it, tomorrow I'd wake up regretting it. I know that. It may not hit me right away, but that old sense of shame that I knew well, it would kick right back... I'm trying to feel that feeling- what it would feel like- it's a really shitty feeling. Very contracting. Would break a streak.

    It's gotta be one or the other. 99% is a bitch. 100% is a breeze.

    Ok. So no. No more consideration. I'm gonna go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow, with the day full of possibility, rather than regret for what I did the night before. Why sabotage my whole fucking free day tomorrow, just to have an hour of pleasure now? No fucking way. Hell what if I meet the girl of my dreams tomorrow? Do I want to be weak and have that air of shame? Or proud, masculine, dominant, take control, powerful, I'm the fucking man that YOU want.

    Done. Goodnight gentlemen, if any of you are also having urges- have a dialogue, listen to your conscious, what do you think will TRULY make you feel better?

    I literally went from considering, at the beginning of this post, to not a chance. Right now.

    Tomorrow will be another day you, and I can use to improve our lives. Not sulk over some regretful bullshit we did the night before.
    Londoner likes this.
  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    This is pretty much what keeps me going. No MO makes me feel much more confident and masculine. My voice sounds noticeably deeper too and I don't want to lose any of that.
  10. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Hmm, urges are starting to come back with a little force at night time. It's especially tempting when I don't have work the next day, and even when having one beer, alcohol can throw a curve ball and even one drink may make it harder for me to think clearly on why I should maintain my streak.

    80% of myself wants to maintain living without this habit. But there's still that 15-20% that really thinks that a little won't hurt. An hour on a night where you don't have anything the next day... what's the big deal?

    I went to a meetup last night, it was at a museum which had free Friday night admission, and they had a lounge, so I was like, hey why not! I found the group and socialized with them. Granted they were all older than me, so I didn't really find anyone my age.

    Afterwards, on my way home, I felt quite lonely. Even though I figured I had been social, I still felt like I was missing that group, and that "hey we're in the same tribe" mentality. I'd really like to find that, cause I haven't had it in quite a while. It seems to be far more difficult to find when you graduate college, cause everyone is a different age.

    Here helps, but there's really something to be said about meeting and socializing with like-minded people your age in person. I'm pretty sure once I find that, my urges to watch porn will no longer exist.
  11. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    I went to an event this evening, that was sorta half way between a spiritual meeting and a recovery group. Was quite nice, and really helped to get some perspective on things. I straight up told everyone that I was a recovering porn addict, have gone this many days, and so forth. The nice thing is I didn't feel any awkwardness or anything. I was really glad to be with this recovery group, because it's others who are going through similar things- recovering from addiction.

    As I got home, a concept struck me. Basically, are we doing this out of love, or doing this out of fear? Is one better than the other? I feel like in the past when I've done things out of fear, they may get done, but they're not really sustainable in the long run. For example, if I quit porn because I know the negative effects it has on me, and I just don't want to experience those, that is coming from a place of fear, and really, somehow, somewhere around is easy to fall. If done out of love, that's basically the most healing as it gets, and ultimately love is more sustainable than fear.

    Do I fear the shame and guilt and anger, and sadness that would happen IF I relapse? Sure I do. But I think what is important is to take it a level futher- that I'm not quitting out of fear of negativity- I'm quitting because of the possibilities that can exist, and of the potential I'd like to tap into. I'm not necessarily talking about "super powers" though, as I know quitting just to gain these so called "super-powers", well, what if you don't experience them? Then it's easy to fall back. I quit so I'll be a a guy who won't be addicted to porn when I meet the love of my life. For growing into a more mature version of myself. Shedding the old skin that whatever psychological shit or whatever has been keeping it on, doesn't matter anymore.

    I felt tapped into that a little more. At a certain point, it isn't enough to ONLY have- "I'm quitting porn cause it makes me feel bad in the long run". It may be more effective long term, to phrase it in a positive way- I quit to maintain a certain level of dignity that I FEEL when I have not watched in a while- which I guess ultimately leads to believing yourself. I don't watch porn anymore because I believe in the best version of myself.
    Londoner likes this.
  12. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well. Day 106. I've officially passed my longest streak a little over a year ago. Also that makes it the longest # of consecutive days without porn since I first discovered it at 15.

    Cutting down on M definitely helps. The tantric formula is working, or at least not doing it every day seems to be helping my overall productivity and mood. I've been slowly eating less sugar- A couple times I literally stopped as I was going to get something, and just started walking back home, because I knew that I didn't really need it. I only had something sweet every other day last week, without even intending. I'm going to continue that this week.

    Either way, triggers still come up on occasion, but I'm getting closer to the point of no return- but this time the good type of no return- No return to pmo.

    Anyway, I met up with 2 different girls this past week. Was hoping that cause we're both 20 somethings, that there would be this "air" of possible to date... but it really didn't turn out to be the case with either of them. Granted I met with them to talk about teaching, as they were both teachers, so the first one it pretty much felt like an informational interview... far more formal than a date.

    Yesterday was actually with an aquaintence from when I was growing up (we're both the same age). Was a little less formal than Thursday's, but still had a bit of a formality to it. There were a couple times I changed the subject to traveling, which seemed to open her up a bit more, and there were a few times that I she genuinely laughed at some stuff I said. Towards the end it felt more informal, and more chill. At the VERY end however when we were saying our goodbyes, I looked at her a little longer than usual, just cause I wanted to take her in my vision. She turned to me a little bit, and it felt like maybe, like there was a 10-20% possibility that we would kiss. But I think I turned away too soon, it felt like it would have been too soon anyway. Maybe I'll ask her out again- take her out for drinks, try to get something a little less formal. It certainly doesn't seem out of the cards at this point. It was also good to hear that someone else my age is living with their parents, as it doesn't make me feel like such an anomaly for doing so. But it's an expensive city after all...
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2017
  13. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    I had an interesting experience today. Yesterday didn't go so hot, and certain people at my work were really getting on my nerves, but today, I don't know, seemed fine. I was at work, and then on my way back, I had this song stuck in my head from the playlist, and I decided to go to this pizza place by my house and got a beef patty. The guy who gave me the beef patty was actually the same guy who I used to get it from when I was a teenager. We were never really talked, but he first said it was $3.45, and then I think after a second, said $3.25 and gave me a small discount. I think he remembered me from when I was a teenager.

    I walked in my apartment, and just fucking cried. Bawled. I don't know, such a small thing, but I just truly felt, like things were connected at that moment. Back at my childhood, like I felt like a kid, but like in a good way. That there really are people who support me, even if they're not physically present, but even the guy who gave me the beef patty who remembered me sometimes walking in to get pizza years ago, that even he, is related to, and supportive of me. I just felt like it was a very subtle sign, a very small sign, from something that I feel like is missing now, that I used to have as a kid/teenager. I don't know the word for it, but it's just a feeling. The neighborhood I grew up in has changed so much, but he is still there, and that pizza place, is still there. And that's extremely comforting.

    It's quite difficult to describe, as at one point I kind of started laughing and crying at the same time. Things felt like they were coming together.

    I'm not gonna analyze it. At this point, I want to just let it be. A moment that doesn't really need "solving" or "solution" from the left brain. But I just felt like posting about it.
    Londoner likes this.
  14. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Day 109.

    I've been noticing very recently, that my sugar cravings have gone down. The past two weeks, I ate something sweet every other day- and that wasn't even something I set out to do. This week, I decided to continue with it. I broke the pattern a bit today, but just now, as I was heading home from a meetup group, I bought a little piece of cake cause I was like... why not. But, when I got home, I thought to myself, it's 10:30 pm, if I don't eat this, I will most likely sleep better, wake up tomorrow more refreshed, and feeling better. I decided to listen, and put the cake inside the cabinet for later consumption.

    This is something unheard of in my life. To NOT eat something sweet the moment I get home after buying it. I have a feeling this may be the recovery process in work, as well as my pre-frontal cortex becoming stronger, and developing a greater ability to see things through, think through about the choices I make, rather than give in to the impulse to just eat it for the high. I'm happy I was able to not consume the cake, as it is pointing towards something larger than just not having it. It's pointing to the fact, that I think I'm slowly, but steadily, gaining the ability to make decisions for myself, and take control over my life. That my mind can decide to not have something sweet, rather than the chemicals in my body driving me to have that nightly snack. This is something that has never happened before, and I am happy that I am able to truly start to decide and act upon things that ARE in my own best interest.
  15. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member


    Past couple of days I've been going back and forth on thinking about going back to watching pron. There's a part of me that thinks, I really don't think I'm addicted anymore, and doing my old quick google search again won't really be that detrimental right? I don't have a girlfriend, so it's not like I'd be being unfaithful to anyone...

    The other side of me, that is a little quieter, is telling me that I might as well keep going on this streak, cause realistically, it'll probably be pretty difficult to get back onto a streak like this again, without some external motivation, like having a girlfriend. I started this streak when my past girlfriend and I were just starting to get serious, out of knowing that my porn viewing wrecked past relationships that I've had. But I think I was also doing it for myself- the gf was an external motivator, but doing it out of knowing my better self is beyond the PMOing habit, was the internal motivator. Cause she broke up with me, but I decided to keep going.

    But yeah, the "let's just do it once again" voice is getting louder and louder. I know what probably the vast majority of you will say. "don't do it!" "We believe in youuuuu". But it's also tough cause I really don't feel like my life has gotten anywhere since I started this streak in November. Yeah I'm making a little more money than I was then, but I'm still not making enough to make a living/ live on my own. Not to mention support anyone else. I don't think I should though. Cause PMOing will just take energy away from efforts to get to where I want to be.
  16. Zander

    Zander Member

    Hey man. Think of it like this. You've spent years and years looking at porn and look where you're at right now. 112 days isn't going to undo all of that. Give yourself time away from porn. Think of it as an experiment, where you study the effects of abstinence. However many years of PMO=life you have now. Now stay PMO free X amount of days and see where you end up. This is a long process, read Gabe Deem's journal. Took him 9 months to have successful sex, that's roughly 270 days. And he was still noticing benefits 2 years into it.

    Good luck and I'm rooting for you.
  17. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Thanks Zander. Only thing is I did the opposite experiment yesterday, and had a session! Well, back to day 1. I was weighing the pros and cons of doing a pmo session, and pros outweighed the cons, and I figured why not decompress a bit? So I did it. About 2 hours, and mostly just images, so I would not consider it a relapse, because I conciously made the choice. It probably didn't help that the internet connection in my room is pretty lousy, so a lot of those 2 hours were just trying to reload pages.

    A few days ago I sent an email to my past therapist, telling him my thoughts on this and asking him what I should do, and he responded that he didn't see any harm in giving myself pleasure or in appreciating beauty. The problem is when doing so is out of compulsion. So I think I took that as kind of a green light

    I did tell myself however, that once I do it, I'll go at least another 50 days without it. I don't know, at that point I was just feeling like a streak/ x number of days without porn, was kinda useless. What's more important, is moderating your viewing over time. Yeah, 2-3 years ago I used to watch 3 hours every day. But in 2014, I watched it 30-40 times, and in 2015, I watched it only 17 times through out the whole year. In 2016 I didn't really keep track after March cause I did it relatively consistently, but it's 2017, and so far, I've only done it once. So I figure, if you're viewing it fewer and fewer times each year, I think that is a good enough mark of progress.

    But I guess that also means, to be careful. It was around this time of year where I slipped, slipped again, and spent the rest of the year doing it every couple of days/ once a week. Until November.

    Thing that struck me the most was- it felt kind of juvenile. Like for the first time, that I truly didn't need this. Like it may have been ok to do it in my teens/ early 20's, but it just felt like I've truly outgrown it, and it didn't feel necessary. So yeah, I guess I'll just keep going. I don't feel the shame that I used to feel either. Maybe a sliver of myself feels some like "damn, I really didn't need to ruin my streak", but it mostly just feels more like, "eh, it wasn't really necessary, but I can just go back to not watching it now." I think my brain is understanding more that PMOing just doesn't provide any value, any substance to my life. And with the exception of yesterday, I can consciously make the decision again to not engage in this act, for another 114 days, and hopefully more.
  18. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Hey again. I wanted to update from my last post, since it looks like it's been almost 2 months.

    So far this year, I had 2 more slips besides the one mentioned, but right now I'm around 30 days free from PMO. I consider this a pretty good thing, because last year at this time I was PMOing every couple of days or so. I knew around the end of March I had a choice- I could either continue going down this road like I did last year, and not have much change, or revamp my efforts and just keep going without as long as I could, and see what happens.

    I think I tend to post here when I feel either fine, or pretty crappy. Today I'm the latter, because while no PMO I'm doing fine on, not doing so well on abstaining from M. I had set an intention of M'ing once every 5 days. Thing is I'll get to that, and then I M every night for like 3 days. Maybe that's not a huge deal, but I notice I feel much crappier even on the days I M. I feel groggy, tired, not much motivation. I'll still go to the gym on my gym days, but it just feels like a chore, and my muscles feel stiffer.

    I think the greater problem is not being where I want to be at this point of my life. My goal right now is to get out of my parents house, cause I don't know how many people on here are living at home too, but if you do, you probably all have that same urge to get out there and into the world, and own your life. That's what I want to do. But that's pretty tough to do though when you're making minimum wage as a college graduate. People keep saying that with a degree there are so many more options, but my question is, how the fuck do you find them? I had an interview yesterday at a music store, which I'm hoping will pan out, as it will at least bring me back into the music world, and not at this fucking crap piece of shit job that I"m doing now.

    But that's the thing. I want to be making way more money than I am now, and unfortunately, I live in a city where money equals everything. There's that whole "making money culture" that I implicitly pressured to do here, but I don't get it. All I want to do is make a living. Nothing fancy, nothing extravagant, no bullshit, and be happy with what I have. That's all I'm asking, and I don't understand why that's so fucking hard to find.
    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  19. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Been thinking about a few things lately. First off, it's very calm at the moment- I can actually hear birds chirpping, and quietness outside on this beautiful morning rather than the typical jackhammers that would start at this time.

    I had a slip about a week ago. However, I've noticed the difference is that now I'm able to start up my track again. I was around 60 days porn free before that slip, and right now, going 60+ days will not be as hard as it was a year or 2 ago.

    I ended up getting this part time job working at a music bookstore that I posted about previously. Also, got hired to teach for a company that sends music teachers to students homes to teach lessons. Even though at moment I only have one student, I was told that come August and September, things may pick up.

    Because of these, I decided it was time to quit my cooking job, and so I'll be leaving them the middle of the month.

    Money is gonna be tight for a month or 2 unless I find something else, as I won't be making as much as I was before. But I'm going to intend to focus on finding future opportunities, rather than grinding 6 days a week.

    I woke up this morning a little depressed. Might've been the rain, but in terms of my social life, well, I really don't have one. I do call a friend twice a week, and we're also accountability partners, but other than that, I rarely go out. I don't really go out with people on Friday and Saturday nights, because I don't have anyone to go out with. Now I've grown more to accept this, but it still feels lonely at times, especially when I wake up in the morning. I remember I felt somewhat happy at this time 2 years ago, because I was actually friends with my people from work, before the fallout happened.

    I miss that. I miss having a peer group that I'm part of. That's been a rarity in my life, the only two times I had that were middle of 2015, and When I was at my first college from 2009 to 2011. I feel like I've been going downhill, but there's no solution. I can't do any of those typical "internet advice" things that the fucking internet says. Go out? With who? I don't have anyone to go out with. Take some dance classes? Those are expensive in this city, and I wanna move out of this city anyway.

    I'm new at Karate, and don't feel accepted yet. I don't know, maybe with time this new job and karate might turn out to be social places, but so far I haven't found acceptance in either group. It sucks being 27, no friends, not being able to make much money, no gf, still living at home, with no way out. I told my parents that my goal is to move out by November, but let's see how that can fucking happen...
  20. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Earlier this week I made the decision to quit one of the jobs I had, after having a breakdown while going on a run. Granted, this isn't the worst thing in the world as I do have other income from another job + freelancing, but it will be tight unless I find enough income/things to fill the hole this crap job was filling up.

    The good thing however, is the job I do have remaining consists of co-workers who are musical as I am, so I'm thinking I may make some good connections at some point, and possible gig opportunities from that.

    I had a moment earlier this week when I was practicing, and got a call from a company I emailed a few days prior. Basically had an on the spot interview, and now I'm part of their roster of musicians!

    It's interesting how timing works in this world... I was practicing- doing the thing that I feel adds value, and is a disciplined act, and got a call! It's funny thinking about it, as it seems like when you do things in the world that contribute vs taking away, even if it's just to yourself, the world rewards you. little things that are in my favor. Practicing is a contribution, as it is working on something that has the potential to benefit the world- ie, working on a piece of music that touches someone. Verses doing something like pmo, in that it does not benefit you, or the world in any way. I feel like dots are connecting slowly but surely. More reaching out needs to be done, but, I have a feeling if I do reach out to the contacts I've gotten in the past while, I may get more contacts, or perhaps some work, or something...

    It has also happened while I was abstaining from M. Today is day 6 on that, and I feel very energetic, like my baseline energy is higher. Was able to blend in a little with co-workers today as well, as first few months on a job are always awkward since the others have been there for anywhere from 2-5 years, vs my end of 1st month... and only a few days a week at that.

    So bit by bit.

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