My Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Earthsnake, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Hello everyone,

    I've decided to give this forum a second try. Like all here, I have struggled with pornography addiction, and am currently still. I decided at the beginning of this year, that I would really start to get a grip on this porn habit that I've had for quite a while. One of my goals, was to go to 90 days without porn, at some point this year.

    I surpassed that goal two times this year. With all the hard work that I've put into it however, it's still something I have not completely overcome as I've had a few slips recently. There are many reasons for that, I can list some of those reasons here. One of them is because porn is truly a Symptom, not the cause, of having a life that, we don't particularly feel proud of. It was hiding some extremely powerful emotions- Anger, Shame, Depression, Guilt... Emotions of the painbody. Porn fills a void- that void is very real when you start. So then the question becomes, how do I deal with this void? These emotions? This emptiness? That is where I struggled for much of this year, was with my absolute utter rage, shame, depression, and guilt. It has been a real rollar coaster. But what I found super helpful- is that we don’t need to define ourselves by our emotions. If we look at them in a different way, and think of them as separate entities from ourselves, they will be easier to live with.

    A big part of overcoming porn, is accepting yourself. Accept yourself, where you are in that moment. Regardless of whether you have gone 90 days, 40 days, or are starting back from day 1. We ALL have flaws! That is something so important to realize, and for me, so hard to accept. I know, it is perhaps the hardest thing in this world for me. Because after every relapse, I would feel this crushing shame, and guilt, and sadness. And it's a vicious cycle, cause that shame, leads to more porn, which leads to more shame, and then more porn, and then you know where it goes from there. But, if you can accept yourself, accept where you are, and that your not perfect, because no one is, and accept that yes, you are trying, you are really, really trying to get a handle on this, and that, yeah, it will take a while, but this is where you are AND THAT IS OK!! :). Comparing yourself to others is poisonous, because there are SO many factors in this world, and so many differences between people. Comparing on the basis of one difference, "oh he has a better paying job than me" or "oh damn he's on day 300, I'm only on day 3!" is just hurtful to oneself, and does not capture everything. Everyone has different struggles, Everyone is coming from a different place, and everyone has their own heavy load- their lead. Our most important journey in life, is being an Alchemist. How do we turn our Lead into Gold? How do we turn our Suffering into Conciousness? This is the journey for all of us. To turn our lead, into gold.

    I used to come from the mindset that porn addiction is a curse, it is something that I have to deal with and something heavy, but right now at this moment, I think it is actually a blessing. Because through my journey, and through all of our journeys, we can look at our journeys recovering from porn addiction, to find out what we really want in life, to find out what works for us, and what does not. Because what works for one, may not have any effect on someone else. How can we live our lives, so that we are content, and happy? And conquer this, one step at a time.

    I will be writing in this journal my own thoughts, and share what has helped me so far in my journey. I intend to use this journal as a helpful, uplifting source of empowerment, for myself, and hopefully others. I had a journal on here before (under Mr. Metalsnake), however I quickly started using it as a stomping grounds for my own negative emotions. I was coming from a place of hatred, of nonacceptance, and I think one of my posts got me temporarily suspended once from here. I plan on not letting that happen again. I will instead, come from a place of presence, and intend to be present, when I write here.

    Perhaps dealing with one emotion at a time is the best way to organize this, so right now, I'm thinking of journaling one emotion, for every post I make. There are so many things I want to talk about, and I'm not entirely sure how to organize it at the moment, but I will start by writing what I know, and what I've learned.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
    TOTHEFREEDOM likes this.
  2. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    The year 2015. So 2015 was filled with some great times, and it was filled with some absolutely horrible times. I started it pretty hopeful, I declared it my year to really get my porn addiction handled. And I did. I did a bunch of “streaks”, two of which were over 90 days. But even reaching the end of those 90 days, I still felt that my emotions were really getting the better of me. and I had views on women that were very hostile, and while I thought they were all in my head, towards the end, they ended up escaping my head, and made their way into the real world. The result was me getting into legal trouble twice. The first time was not too bad, but the second time, resulted in my getting a restraining order from my then girlfriend, and as a result losing my job because we worked together. I’ve taken the past few months to really think about, and figure out where I went wrong, and a few pieces of advice that I have found helpful come to mind. The first is- Just because someone does something that I don’t approve of, all it means, is that it is not in my value system. That is it. It is not in allignment with my values, and I can leave it at that. My values are my values, and theirs are theirs.

    I think what happened was, I quit porn, but was not able to handle the emotions arising from it. I still struggle with the emotions. They are big. Porn really does leave a void, and right now, I’m starting to notice that with sugar as well. There is a BIG emotional void right now, but, another way of looking at it is, just lean into it. Accept it. Accept there is a void right now. Yes it is uncomfortable, but it is there. Does it being there mean it’s wrong? What may seem wrong about it’s being there, is that it’s uncomfortable, and we are trained to run from anything that’s uncomfortable, and find/bask in the things that are comfortable. We are heated missiles seeking comfort, so that when discomfort arises, we run away. But the fact of the matter is, discomfort exists. It exists because comfort exists. Pain and pleasure. Inhale and exhale. Expansion and contraction. Everything follows this pattern, including our breath. This is the world. This is what happens. Inhaling, your going to the game, have a girlfriend, love is in the air, you have a job, are finally making enough money to sustain yourself and your on day 80 something of your no porn streak, aaaand Exhale, contraction- your laptop and phone get stolen, your girlfriend and you get into a fight, you lose your temper, get a restraining order and as a result, lose your job because your girlfriend works at the same place you did. And now you have no girlfriend, and no job and because of that, hell fuck it, one peak won’t hurt right?


    It is so easy to place more emphasis on the negative. And for the past while I have been placing a lot more emphasis on the crap that these past few months have brought, instead of, well, perhaps the streaks I’ve been on, or the fact that I’ve been on more dates this year than any other year, learned how to swing dance, earned more money this year than in any other year.

    Suffering comes from challenging the moment, and wishing the moment were different than it is. “Oh I shouldn’t have relapsed that time, I totally destroyed my streak”, “I shouldn’t have gotten into that fight, I shouldn’t have said those things”, “Damn I can’t seem to do this job, that means I must suck as a person”. That created a fuck ton of suffering for me last year. That creates a fuck ton of suffering for probably nearly everyone, every year. But if we can accept the moment, just as it is, just Hey, here it is, yeah ok, I may have made a mistake, but there’s right now. There is this moment RIGHT NOW, that I can choose what to do with. When your sitting on your bed with your masturbation towel, at that moment, you can choose to think “shit, I shouldn’t have done this again” or just take it as face value, as an event that is, and not judge it. “Well, ok, yes this happened. I know it was my goal to go x amount of days, but pobody’s nerfect. I will try again”. There is right now, that I can choose to put the laptop away, face the emotions, without labeling them as good or bad. “Ok, yes, there’s some shame in the mix here. That is what I feel. There is a feeling there and that is it. It’s not good or bad, it’s just THERE”. Presence- that’s how Eckhart Tolle describes it in his books. And it really speaks to me.

    I know a lot of what happened, is I had basically no compassion for myself. When a relapse feels like the end of the world, that just perpetuates it. But when you develop some amount of compassion, and realize, hey, it’s ok, then it’s much easier to continue when your starting from a good place.

    No matter the situation, there is always the present. There is always an action you can do now, and you can either feed the ego, feed the lies, the deception, the false image of who you are, or you can feed the truth- The person who can rise above the urge, the person who is growing, who knows that PMOing really won’t serve him.

    I realize I’m not done. I realize I probably won’t be done for a while. But that’s ok. Because this is a journey. If we had everything handed to us in the very beginning, what fun would life be?
     
  3. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well just for the hell of it, I'm going to tell a bit about my situation. I'm temporarily living on the west coast for a few months, as I have a temporary job there. So far, I've been biking, hiking, and exploring the area on my off time.

    But I'm also starting to worry, what will I do once I get back? I'm going back, and don't have a job lined up, so I don't know if it makes sense to try and find one while I'm still here, or just start up once I get back... I'd like to enjoy my time here, but try to make the most of it at the same time.

    I woke up today feeling kind of sick, not sure if cause of pollen or I actually AM getting sick. Typically I get 2- 3 colds per winter, but I didn't get sick at all last year. Weather here is relatively warm, and I've been here about a month.

    I wrote a post yesterday, a kind of "fuck it" post, but then deleted it because I wrote it while I was in a horrible mood, and I was extremely angry, and I would have possibly set a bad precident of writing while angry, which I did before with shit consequences.

    Right now, I will be honest, either I feel like I'm slowly giving up on my goals, or I've just stopped. I don't feel the energy I once had, quitting porn isn't helping- before I would have totally been happy of the number of days I've stayed away from it (I'm now on 50 something) but now, I just feel like nothing really matters. I'm really far from getting my goal, and I just don't want to bother "visualizing" it anymore, because if I do, I'll just end up disappointed. Happened already. Just feeling like I should be somewhere else, that is not here. It's really difficult to accept the moment sometimes.

    It can get lonely here too. Not many young people around. I've also been looking at CL personals, so I think I've been using those as a P "substitute". I never feel great after watching them, but it doesn't nearly take the energy out of me as PMOing does. But it has developed into a habit that I'm doing every night. Not sure if I should be worried or not.
     
  4. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Today was a tough day. Taught the kids, but they didn't listen to me. And now my voice is fucking through. I have an interview for some volunteer thing I'm doing tomorrow, I don't know much about it, and basically the reason I'm doing it so I can just be doing something else with the amount of free time I have. But, it may not matter, because I'm only going to be in this area for another month. We'll see.

    I don't get it. I woke up completely at peace this morning. I took a lovely walk, ate breakfast, was thankful for the sun, and then bam. Got to work, and the first class just fucking made me upset as fuck. Also learned that one of my co workers had 2 other jobs she did along with doing what I do. Made me feel like shit. How does she get to do that stuff, yet I don't? Why does she get to have what I don't have? That's what I hate. That's what caused the break up, that's what caused the restraining order that I got, and that's what got me fired. People have things that I want, and that I can't get. That fucking kills me. That's what is causing me to keep fucking up my life. Like a date, I went on last Thursday. It wasn't an official "date", but when I got there, I noticed she dressed up. I didn't. First mistake, I figured I had sabotaged it from the beginning. I created some polarity between us, but then I decided to tell her my big story. The one on how I lost my girlfriend, job, and friends in a single day. That killed it. She then proceeded to give me "advice" on some shit I didn't even want advice on. Man, where the fuck do I go from here?
     
  5. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Welp. I guess this is the up and down in motion as we speak. I feel up now. The interview I had went pretty damn well, because afterwards, I felt, yeah, there are possibilities for me. That I'm not a lost cause. So I'm going to start volunteering at this place, in return I can use them as a reference and I'll develop some skills that people look for on the side. I've been having some back and forth with a girl on OKC as well, so feel hopeful at the moment.

    This is the kind of hopeful I'd like to be mindful about. Because there's always the possibility that this volunteer thing may not actually lead to anything, and the girl may loose touch, then I know my mind will plummet in to a possible depression. But right now, I don't want to think about that. Right now, I feel hopeful, and I'm just going to be with that.
     
  6. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Fuck. Boring day today. Rainy, and I really feel like going back to PMOing. I'm 60 something days at this point, I know I'm on a pretty good roll, but I just wonder if it'll really hurt at this point. I mean this is my third time going towards 90 days. If I can go 90 days, it's fine right?

    What kind of sucks right now, is being in a place you need to have a car, but I don't have a car. I've grown up and spent most of my life in NYC and Boston, so I could always take public transportation, but when you're out in the burbs, I guess it doesn't work that way.

    My main concern is what the fuck do I do when I get back to the east coast? I won't have a job, Do I start looking for one now? I don't really feel like it. Cause where do I start? What do you do with a music degree, but music only covers certain things I can do, and certainly not enough to make a living. I feel like I'm a victim in this world. It fucked me over.


    I thought I had a dating prospect when I got back into town, but what do you know? That girl I thought I'd have a date with when I get back, well, she no longer has an account.
     
  7. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    I went to a day long workshop yesterday on dealing with Intense emotion. It was pretty cathartic for me at points. I could really relate to the guy giving the talk, and we did a few meditations through out. I can't really explain in words how it made me feel, and right now it's hard, because I'm angry, but I have enough presence to write this, and not lash out on here, or towards anyone.

    I think now because I lashed out that one point, now I lash in. It's discrete, but I think that's what I'm doing, and that is what makes me angry, and then more angry. I know I can't lash out at the person I'm staying with, cause that's obviously wrong, but it really doesn't help to be living with someone who talks about her sorority members, and how easily she had it when she was in her 20's, getting a good paying job after college. But then I sat next to someone during the workshop who was doing well, and she wasn't even in to guys, which meant I had no chance of fucking her.

    Maybe this is what they mean when they say don't compare to other people... but that's so fucking hard. I hate being surrounded by people who are doing better than me, yet it happens ALL the time! What is this, god just trying to rub it in my face?
     
  8. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Yesterday, I was at the library and came across a book called "Why good people do bad things". I picked it up, since I initially was reading another book (something like how to turn obstacles into opportunities), but the first one seemed like an element of shame, and trying to get rid of emotions, and instead, deal with life, using cold, hard logic. While some elements in that book seemed to kind of make sense, I felt it kind of dismissive towards emotions, which truly do have purpose. You can't just "stop" feeling emotions. Emotions are there. And they can be big, you can't just simply make them smaller as the book was trying to imply. So, back on the bookshelf.

    Now, second book. Saw the title, was instantly bought, since I felt that this book could possibly teach me something. Despite this being one of those books where the author's picture is bigger than the title, and that absolutely stupid smile on her face, the kind of smile that says "happy about being featured on Oprah, yet still completely dead inside".

    Basically, the kind of book you never want to be caught reading as a 26 year old guy.

    I walked to a table, trying to hide the embarrassing cover from everyone I passed. At the second chapter, she got to the story of the two wolves. I've heard this story before, so I was like yeah, ok. But then... it was different. I've always interpreted the story of the two wolves as being Feeding the right wolf- the white one obviously. BUT, that is not what was in this book. The tribal chief said that when you only feed the good wolf, the bad wolf is lurking around the corner, waiting to strike. You need to feed both wolves equally, because within all of us, there is a balance of white and black, of light and darkness, yin and yang. If you're unbalaced on one, the other will rear it's head. Or your life will be shit. And that we all have not just a good wolf and bad wolf, but many types of wolves, one of my wolves is feeling like my life sucks (fear?), and being rageful towards the world. If you're only feeding the wolf that says I'm too good to watch porn, I will not watch porn, I will conquer this, I will get over this, porn is the enemy, and building up and up, making porn an enemy, well, porn will show up. When we actively avoid so much we'll eventually attract, because there is that other side that isn't being given a fair shot.

    I think that is one thing that this trip here in California has taught me, is that it is OK not to know. It is OK not to know what you're going to do with your life. There are others in my position, there are other 26 year olds who don't know what the future has in hold. It is scary. It is scary not to know. But That is a wolf, that right now, I feel like I'm gaining a victory over in battle. Have I won the war? I don't know.
     
  9. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Today was my last teaching day here. Afterwards, I have no idea why, but I felt so ridiculously horny. Maybe it's cause all my coworkers are women, and today, one of them came in with a pretty nice outfit on, but afterwards I just felt like it had to go somewhere... I ended up hanging with some people, eating really unhealthfully, stuffing myself with sweets, cause I have absolutely no idea how to get laid around here...

    I think I'm day 80 something of no porn, there have been many days recently I just browsed CL, accidently came across some stuff that was pornographic, I could feel my heartbeat and the adrenaline rushing in those moments, but I just have this HUGE energy, and I need to do something with it. Today I kinda stuffed it down with food. Perhaps not the best idea, but whatever. I got one girls number today and do have a date lined up next week, so I guess that'll be alright. We'll see.
     
  10. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well, my last day in Cali. I was on a walk this afternoon when on my way back, it started raining. I could sense it was about to rain, and when I felt the first raindrops, I thought "aw shit". I was only in a T shirt, didn't bring my raincoat... but then I thought, why is this bad? Is it necessarily bad to be in the rain? Maybe, what if I could just accept this moment, as a moment that just is. If anything, it helped to distract me, since my mind was doing a bit of negative rehashing at that point anyway.

    So there I was, walking in the rain. I did get wet, but I accepted it, as a moment that just was. Perhaps it was California's farewell shower for me. But it served as a reminder. It served as a really nice reminder, that things are, as they are. Rain is not necessarily bad. I've always used to say I hate rain, but now, I'm not so sure. I see it as a little earthly reminder to be present. To just be with the moment, and not resist it. Because when you resist, you are fighting against what is. What is, isn't necessarily good or bad. It just is.

    I walked at a normal pace, accepting the rain, feeling it in my shirt, as it started soaking through. The rain got heavier, and my heart got more heavy for a second, and then I accepted it. It was just there. I think we are all hardwired pessimists. And I"m not saying we should try to rewire ourselves to be optimists, cause that would just be annoying as fuck. But I accepted the moment, instead of being miserable that it was raining that I was wet. But it is learning. It is learning to be with the moment, and that way will bring more happiness, and acceptance to the present, to what is happening right now.

    In this way, I'd say, that the rain was a messenger. That the divine had communicated this message to me, and that I received it. And for that, I am grateful.
     
  11. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Relapsed after 84 days. Guess you just start the fuck over again right?
     
  12. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Hah, did it again! 2 days after the first relapse this year, relapse number 2. Fuck this shit man.

    The girl that I went on a date with on Wednesday, turns out she went on a date with another guy while I was back in california, and she choose him over her. I was so ANGRY when I got her text message. She texted me after I had a pretty productive day of job searching, and trying to figure out how to reissue a check I did in a study 6 months ago, cause it expired by the time I came back. I went to the hospital in person, had to leap through a whole bunch of hoops to get to the people I needed to contact, and even now I"m not so sure they're gonna get back to me.

    So when I got her text telling me she choose someone else over me, I sent her a few texts, called her and left a very angry message on her phone. I didn't threaten her though, because I don't need another restraining order. Oh, and what do you do after that? Yep, I had 2 beers, and then had a fuck it moment, and watched porn. Then I watched it again! Fuck this fucking site man, fuck all of you people! I just don't understand how life can be this unfair to me. I know one of the buddhist philosphies is to lean into difficulity, but how the fuck do you do that when life is just too fucking difficult!? I don't know what I"m going to do with my life, I have no life vision, why? Cause fuck you underdog! fuck you and your fucking post on "what you need to do to quit porn". Fuck you! I did everything I could, and I still can't fucking stay off it!!!
     
  13. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    This is a great attitude to have - I need to do more of this.

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. I'm new to this so don't have any advice to offer - I hope others do - but I think in a few days you'll forgive yourself, pick yourself up and give it another shot. Good luck.
     
  14. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Thank you Londoner, I'm in a better mindset right now. Hope you're doing ok too. I've picked myself back up. I appreciate your quoting what I said, it's true. When we accept what is, we end our suffering.

    and hey, accepting what is even means accepting the ugly shit we do, and times when we get angry, depressed, sad, insulted, and everything at once. Look at my post up there. I was thinking of modifying it, but then realized, nah, it's ok. It was just a moment. If you focus on just the good, and try to suppress the bad stuff, the bad stuff is going to come up eventually, and bite you in the ass. I think I was only feeding my white wolf. The black one was being starved. The edge, the anger, I was not allowing it to just be. I'd either suppress it, or just rage all out. However, At the moment, I feel pretty balanced. I accept the white wolf in me, and I accept the black wolf in me. I think "feeding the right wolf" is the wrong way to look at it. Feeding both wolves, finding a way to acknowledge, and accept the "dark" stuff, the anger, sadness, depression, rage, fear, hostility, insecurity, is what will help.
     
  15. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Had my 4th slip this month last night. Haven't done this badly since probably a few years ago. I've basically stopped giving a shit at this point. Slips don't matter to me anymore. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do anyway, I don't have a job, might be moving back in with my parents in September, though I really don't want to. But what other option do I have? If I move into my own place, I'll need to find a decent paying job within the next 4 months, and holy shit how the fuck will I do that with a fucking music degree?

    So basically the thing is- quitting porn doesn't matter to me. Life doesn't fucking matter to me. I just don't give a shit anymore. Whatever eckhart tolle said is bullshit. Every fucking person on this site is a piece of shit.
     
  16. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Not sure what that last sentence is about, but I feel the same as in your first paragraph right now - wondering if there's much point in continuing. I can only suggest you do the same as me tonight and sleep on it.
     
  17. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Hey Londoner, just had a moment that's all. Nothing personal. I appreciate your post either way.

    Talked with my new therapist today. Asked me "How did my family express emotion". I figured yeah, stereotypical psychotherapy question, but I proceeded to answer, and give some examples/ things that I remember. Around then, I realized with his help, that my parents- but more so my mother- have had this tendency to act as if others are responsible for their emotions. At this point, I'm 26 and it really doesn't matter what was in the past, but still, knowing that seems like a nice golden nugget of information. It sort of helped me to figure, ok, yeah, this is kinda where I'm coming from. This is the mindset/ way of dealing with things that I adapted. Sure when the pressure cooker is on, no one really feels responsible for their emotions, but at least it's like a signpost. It's something to pinpoint.

    My meditation practice has seem to fallen into a blase state. I'm still doing it, but I just haven't been getting anything from it recently. I'm starting to question Eckhart Tolle's radical approach towards presence, and unquestionably realizing that the present moment is all there is, that the past does not exist. I Think we are shaped by our pasts- it doesn't mean that we always blame them for our current shitty situation, but it has shape. Positive and negative events have shaped our lives, to be the way they are now. And right now, I am angry. It's not a rage. It's not even a dissapointment in every day life for the most part. But it's rather just this underlying thing. And underlying, perhaps energy field that's right now kind of down due to major defeat, but when the moment strikes- and it has as recently as yesterday, it will rise up in some way and make it's way known.

    While I haven't had intense periods of aching and crippling loneliness, I do feel an overarching sense of it at times, especially now during a pretty open moment. It's tough not having a job. It's tough when every day is different. But I make up for some of this by providing my own structure to each day. I make a list of exactly what I want to accomplish during the day, and crossing off those things when I've finished them. And some of those things include social events. But it's hard, because while I do go to social events- I don't have any people who I truly, really trust at them. No one who I'd even consider a "friend" at this point. It's very much just meeting new people every time I go, and on occasion, running into someone else I know. It's hard to make new friends when you see someone only once a week. And going up to them, asking if they want to hang out some point later that week, that's tricky. Haven't really met anyone I'd want to do that with yet. But I don't know, maybe it will happen some point in the future.

    When I was at home, my mother told me that she doesn't like seeing my suffer. That was tough to hear, cause I am suffering on some level, but I really don't think medication is the answer. I think making friends is the answer. Having a job would help too. But now, if I get a job, make friends there, get too close into the social circle, try to be more mindful of my emotions. But I don't WANT to be mindful of my emotions anymore, because that's not a true living example of me! I'm naturally an expressive person, and fucking hell, the last thing I want is to repress myself even more, so that I get another situation, another restraining order, and maybe even jail time. That's the struggle.
     
  18. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Well, it's been a few months since I last posted here. I moved back home about a week ago, figured it's time to start again, plus save on rent and other $$.

    I have had a bunch of gigs in the past few months since I wrote last. I'm right now feeling impatient over the fact that I still don't have a job, but I did make the final round for a part time after school teaching job, and that'll happen either tomorrow or the next day. One of my gigs included my first ever solo performance playing original songs. I wrote 5 songs over the course of the last few months, and performed them in a library series concert. The audience really enjoyed it, and I did too. I felt proud, that it felt like a starting point in my original musical development.

    I also made the final round for a position in a nationally and internationally touring band, but alas didn't make the cut. That was dissapointing, as I spent a good month over the summer in all the prep work involved.

    I pretty much started PMOing again on a regular basis in April, and my last one was 2 days ago. I've decided with the new school year coming, to really regain my efforts again and go for another streak, seriously this time. Maybe writing this will help. I deleted my dating profile on OKC yesterday, which I had for 3 years, would even check it during my long streaks of 80+ days. But I decided, I don't think that is how I want to meet a girl. Went through a good amount of resistance that evening, but honestly, it's brought my more pain than joy, and I think doing a drastic action like that will help acknowledge my drastic re-start.

    It's really hard not having a job when everyone who surrounds you has something else they're doing- with my roommates it was school or work. But in the case of my family, they all have jobs. Even my sister who is younger than me. I try to tell myself what a past therapist and friend told me, that I'm a musician, musicians don't have jobs, we get "gigs", but it's kind of hard when gigs only come 2 or 3 times a month, which is not nearly enough $$ to live on. I figured by moving to my current location, that there is more opportunity in the music world, and that perhaps I can teach, find students. But it doesn't happen overnight, and that is what I can't stand, cause I'm so sick of just staying at home all day, feeling like a slug. I get little things done every day, like emailing, sometimes practicing, but it's not enough. I want to go out there and fucking rock it, do something that gives me a routine, wake up to go somewhere and breathe the morning air, which I miss. Maybe the change in weather will help, as it's still August, and still pretty fucking hot.
     
  19. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Welcome back. How about trying out youtube? or twitch or something along the lines. There are a plethora of lanes you can take to success. Good luck.
     
  20. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Thanks hope2overcome. Youtube... maybe, but that's a long process, as you really need to have good equipment (camera, mic, etc.) not to mention some great idea/concept to make any video that's bound to get a million+ views, plus I don't think they pay anything until you get to that. I do have some youtube videos of my playing right now actually, but they're more for audition type scenarios.

    Slipped up a few days ago. PMO'd for an hour- which actually isn't that long come to think of it, and I'm just in a mindset of not giving a fuck anymore. I read an article about the negative effects of sugar, just to try and get my brain in a "let's not eat sugar today" kind of mode. Well, I just finished a big brownie, and it's just past noon. That didn't work.

    I felt pretty crummy the morning after my slip so I messaged a couple therapists I found in my area, I think I need to have someone as a support again, like someone I see once a week. It's been a few months since I haven't had a therapist of some sort, and since I turned 17 I've consistently been seeing a counselor/psychologist/therapist at one point or another.

    Feel like I've grown totally complacent recently. Even though I'm noticing my belly getting slightly larger than it was before, and even though I'm still going to the gym every other day, I just don't give a fuck. The porn + sugar side is winning right now, and I just don't give a fuck anymore.

    I don't have the energy anymore to think that the world it at my potential. It was great right after college, that I felt that way, and I even landed a job with that energy. I read everywhere that people are like "oh your young, you're in your prime and can do whatever you want" fuck those people. No, you can't do whatever you want, cause the world is harsh, and if you're not good enough at it, the world won't let you do it.
     

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