First of all, SWF, congrats on a year under your belt! And the power lifting trip sounds amazing! I've wanted to go to NZ for a long time, and to couple that with the competition is really admirable. Go0d luck to you!
Thanks @Mozenjo and @path-forward, seriously appreciate it. At risk of doxing myself, I actually compete in Olympic Weightlifting consisting of the Snatch and Clean & Jerk. Honestly, not sure how much I care about doxing myself anyways at this point. Things have been going alright, but have been fighting some urges lately to "peek" or "just take a look" for old times sake. I've resisted so far, but I'm a bit surprised the urges have even been there. Mostly I've been fighting back the debates in my head regarding it being okay, it's just one time. As we all know, just one time turns into another binge or restarts my old habits of "well, it's just 1x a week/day" and "what's the harm?" Don't really have too much going on mentally right now either other than a little nervousness relating to the travel and competition coming up. Here's to all my brothers on here fighting the good fight. May you have a great clean day!!
Sometimes urges can just be triggered by an activity or an event that has been wired to porn use in the past. This can be something like closing the curtains so no one can see you fapping, or something more incidental like a song on the radio that happened to play when you were watching porn. Maybe it even has to do with your travel plans? By not giving in to these urges you're changing your brain: you're disconnecting those trigger events from the behaviour, so they won't bother you in the future.
I'll say! I've had NO actual desires to load up any porn for viewing sake or from active libido, but just by being bored/tired/depressed/lonely (any of the above) while being home alone. Your mind just tells you that PMO IS WHAT YOU DO NEXT when feeling that way. It becomes as second nature as getting a drink of water when thirsty. That it's what you need to feel normal again and think nothing of it, UNTIL you do the reboot! It's crazy how 'wired' PMO gets! It reminds me SO MUCH of quitting Oxy or Benzos (done both) there are times you convince yourself that you NEED it without even feeling any real NEED. (Never backslid at all quitting Benzos after 25 years! Backslid SLIGHTLY 2 times off Oxy but clear for years now on both. Who would have thought the MO part of PMO would be just as tough at times, or tougher!)
Well, I'm back and resetting my counter (because that's what works for me). I'll provide a more detailed update of how things have been going, but let's just say that moderate use of P is not good for me. I know others have said the same thing but we all seem to think "that's them, I'll be okay". Pretty sure a lot of it for me is FOMO (fear of missing out). I know I have that pretty bad sometimes in a lot of areas. Anyways, have had a lot of crap going on and trying to get a handle on it. I'll post a longer update later.
@StarWarsFan Welcome back! Sorry again for the rough patch. And very sorry for having to “learn the lesson on moderation” But don’t beat yourself up! We all have to learn that lesson on our time and schedule. Just part of the long term recovery process. You got this!
Thanks @path-forward, I really didn't want to be back but here we are. Doing pretty well so far, but have been having relatively strong urges. I'm going to post my story in a few parts because I've had a lot going on the last 6-8 months that have impacted my decision to go back to PMO on a "moderate" basis. Obviously, one of them is simply because I like/love it. Other reasons were things like anxiety, procrastination (or the ADHD version of executive dysfunction, and getting the place to myself once a week. I didn't necessarily start off resorting to PMO once a week as I would justify it as once every 2-3 weeks should be totally fine and not cause issues. Well, that led to every week and the last couple of weeks more often than that (not everyday like before, though). So, now I need to get this back under better control. I'll start with Part 1 later this week (this is mostly so I can get it out of my system, so if you're not interested sorry). But, holding off so far and reflecting on what brought me back.
Hey SWF - As you know - you are in the right place being back on here journaling and I look forward to hearing your story. Very sorry again for your tough times and its affect on your behavior. and likely ALL of us on here have been in your situation in one form or another. After my 100 day clean streak last year with everything working well in the bed room - I also convinced myself that I could now "occasionally" PMO every every few weeks and that eventually led to about once every other day - AND a full relapse in regard to PIED. I dont mean to sound preachy and I am not judging at all - given I have been a porn addict for almost 50 years - but I added this quote recently to my signature: "Moderation in any form is not possible with an addiction" It's just not possible to control things in moderation. We all have developed a craving to self-medicate with PMO when times are tough - or even simply from feeling bored. For me - the toughest thing to stop has been peeking - but I am trying extremely hard to do that. As peeking is just the first step to getting on a path to a relapse. Please keep sharing! I look forward to hearing more about what's been going on in your life.
Okay, so here we go. This all started at the end of last year. Without getting into the weeds/too much detail I was able to get some contract work late last year. It was going to be a bit more complicated than what I had done and told them this but was told it wouldn't be a problem. Long story short, it turned out to be a problem and I never got any feedback on the work I was providing, whether the work was good or bad or even on the right track. Literally, the guy I was doing the work for pretty much ghosted me then when he did respond basically told me I had no idea what I was doing. Ultimately, we agreed that this relationship was not going to work out. However, my confidence took a huge hit in addition to getting depressed. In addition to that, my lifting was not going well as I prepped for the New Zealand competition. So, everything was basically going down the toilet and my mental health was tanking. Ultimately, I was reassured that the contract relationship was a toxic deal and that I was not crazy for thinking so. But, the damage to my mental health was done. Although I had a blast going to New Zealand and Australia my meet did not go as well as I wanted so I got really down on myself. I didn't really go into a deep depression after getting back but it took me a good while to realize the amount of pressure I was putting on myself and how angry I was during all of that (which meant that I was taking it out on other people who did not deserve it at all). I finally let all that go but it's taken a while. I'll update a bit more later, but this is basically what led me to start back to PMO in April thinking moderation would be okay. Keep in mind that I don't think I had ever really considered quitting P entirely, just long enough to get rid of the PIED I had been experiencing. Obviously, this was not how I should've been thinking about it in retrospect. Other things happened to make matters worse but I will get into those in another update.
Hey SWF. Really sorry you had some tough situations to endure! One’s psyche’s def has tipping points that attack our self-confidence. I’m sure most of us here have felt the same at times, especially when we are pushing ourselves very hard to succeed. but good of you to “unload” a of that in your journal. That’s a big step towards fully healing IMHO. I also, if being full honest with myself - initially joined here with a goal of getting over PIED rather stopping PMO completely. But as I have written recently, I have learned moderation does not work for an addiction. The frequency of “needing a hit” will continue to increase over time until we are back where we started. Happened to me after 100 days clean last year. While I am finding myself able to stave off full blown PMO lately, I still struggle with not looking at P during periods of intense emotional pain. we all have our own individual variations of how we handle stress and our additions. but deep down I think we all know P is ultimately not the answer. And it soon becomes the problem in itself. Good you are back here posting again and reading others posts! It’s a big step towards recovery. keep fighting! You got this!
Just a quick pop-in update. I've decided, for the time being, to remove my counter. I'm learning, albeit a bit slowly, that I have a tendency to put too much pressure on myself with things I want to accomplish and not just enjoy the journey. I've been realizing that this pressure has been having a negative effect on my mental health. So, for now, I've decided to temporarily remove a few of the things that put this pressure on me to succeed. I'll also be coming in a bit more frequently to journal/talk about crap going on in my life and the journey to get my stuff back in order. I'll be updating the previous post about the hurricane of my life this past year in a day or so as there's more to it. I do appreciate the support everyone shows and know that it means a lot to me. I'm still working on how to address this addiction moving forward (even to the point of debating whether I really did have an addiction).
Thank you. To add to my story and pick up where I left off, after finally getting to a place where I was regaining confidence in my work (own my business) and my lifting my Uncle passed away unexpectedly. He was late 70's and it was determined to be a massive heart attack. We ended up having to fly my Mom out there then fly ourselves up there. Uncle was in Virginia and none of the family is there. That was a very stressful time and worked to handle it as best as I could. I would normally PMO to deal with the stress and such. My Uncle had no kids and my Aunt (his wife) had passed away 4 yrs prior. My Mom and my younger Uncle get along but don't trust each other in addition to other issues (younger Uncle is alcoholic and smokes pot) so it was decided that since I'm an attorney I could be the Administrator of the estate (friends and family thought he had a will but there is no evidence that he did). So, I'm now working on getting appointed as Administrator and the thought of handling all that is kicking my anxiety up a few notches. Generally, I'm doing okay but it's a fine line for now. Anyways, as I've said before this journal will likely become more of a place where I share some thoughts, not necessarily on PMO and such but on several things related to things I read on here and other places.
SWF - good that you are sharing again! And it def does not need to be all about PMO, urges etc. We have all programmed ourselves to deal with life's stressed (and even simply boredom) by resorting to P and PMO. Discussing your life's challenges is a great way to come to grips with emotional pain and amxiety. I give you a lot of credit for taking on being Admin of your Uncle's estate. Just make sure your family appreciates it and trusts you to do the right thing. otherwise - walk away IMHO.
@path-forward thank you. I've never really journaled before and don't have anyone to rant/vent to (other than my wife but I think she gets tired of me sometimes and doesn't really understand some of the crap that bothers me) which really helps me to "get it off my chest". Most of the stuff will be related to things I see/do on a daily basis that, for some reason, seems to bother me. Other stuff will be how I feel about crap going on. So, to get started, I'm in Vegas for a concert tonight (Duran Duran) which I'm really looking forward to. One of my buddies came with. We're pretty good friends and all, but there's definitely topics I don't bring up such as this PMO thing. I've been torn on how we were going to manage the trip, such as who's driving, sharing a room, etc. Personally, I would love to have just driven myself in my car and stayed in my own room (Vegas is only about 4.5hrs drive), but my wife was arguing saying that that would not be efficient, wasting money and gas for my buddy to have to drive separate and stay in his own room. I'm mostly about wanting my own privacy and space, being able to come and go when I want and not having to worry about whether they have a car and such. I don't know why this bothers me, but there you go. Anyways, I'll have little things like that to share. The good news is that there is no urge to PMO or MO while here (been better about that anyways when staying in hotels).
Thanks guys for the support. Today was the first Wed that my wife hasn't gone to the office lately. That day became my weekly PMO and I was a little worried that I would have issues with restraining, but I have to say today is going really well and I have no urges whatsoever. Maybe I'll get a better handle on this thing yet. On another note, I'll be going out of town next weekend for a few days to the San Francisco area (Pleasanton, CA) for a Weightlifting comp. Looking forward to it as I will be traveling alone but will be meeting up with lots of weightlifting friends while there. Also, never been to that area of CA before, so hoping to traipse around San Fran a bit before I head home. My rant today - although I enjoy reading many of the journals here, I've made the decision to stay out of the 30-39 section. Too many of the users there are objectifying women in really bad taste and it rubs me the wrong way. I should clarify this that the user comments how various women will "eye" them and "want them" but they do nothing. I had not been reading the younger than 30 journals anyways due to age difference but thought that the 30-39 would be close enough to identify with. It's not with all of them, but like with anything else a few can ruin the experience. In other news, I have all the paperwork to get appointed administrator for my Uncle's estate. Now I'm trying to get the appointment from the probate court which seems to be taking a little bit and annoying me. Edited to add a clarifying point regarding the objectification issue. I don't know if that's really what it is so feel free to correct my terminology.
Okay, so a couple quick updates. Comp went well, I accomplished what I wanted to and took a silver and 2 gold medals. Didn't qualify for Nationals due to not paying attention to what I needed (was short by 2kg), but I'm surprisingly okay with that. My focus now is to qualify for National Ref by the end of next year and just keep my training going. Lots of drama happening in my sport. Had a week trip to my Uncle's house to clean it out, inventory his guns (over 130 of them), and deal with the cars (I'm getting the 2020 Corvette!! Happy about that). Unfortunately, after getting home the other day I'm mentally checked out of just about everything and I can't really afford that. So, I'll get my act in gear and get stuff done. On the PMO front, I did well, going on 11 days no PMO (I did MO yesterday) and feel really good about that. I've not kicked it again but working on it as urges have been hitting again due to the stress.
