My Journey To Success

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 3

    Well I shaved my head a few days ago. The hair loss was finally getting to that point. Again, I say every time I relapsed the hair loss would only increase. Running my hands through my hair would yield a lot of loose greasy hairs. If I managed to abstain for about 5 days or more it would stop and I would not lose any more hair.

    My acne right now is flaring up a bit. This is quite common for a few days after relapse. I just have to remind myself that it will improve and go away. I don't need to touch any of the bumps or scratch at them.

    My mood is actually pretty good today, but I would attribute to talking to my new drug and alcohol counselor. I needed to get one for my job. It's been really rough having to live in this reality, but this is the burden that I am required to bear.

    I am still pushing for 90 day reboot and beyond. Last time I got to 90 days was probably around 5 years ago or so. It's almost hard to believe, honestly. I don't want to waste more time of my life. I know this shit is gonna be and is hard, but I am taking the attitude of dying before a relapse.

    This morning I woke up, sort of hung over. I felt like shit completely. It almost felt like a fever at one point. I definitely had the thought of watching P, but you know I was like fuck it. If I die from feeling like shit, so be it. I got through it and I feel much better now than in the morning.

    I need to focus on getting through this week. Ironically, the acne is actually something that will help me in the reboot. The pain of having acne actually reminds me of why I want to quit and need to quit. Sometimes I can just zero in on that pain on my skin and sit with it. Time seems to pass and the irritation recedes.

    One peak, will ruin it all. It's an absolute fact, that I've tested over and over. I keep repeating this shit is hard and it is, for me, but I can still do it.
     
  2. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 4

    It's always the mundane boring days where I don't go anywhere or do anything that are hard to get through. This is definitely one of them. Mood is ok, not too terrible, but nothing really uplifiting. I might listen to some music now that I think about it. Stomach is giving me some issues. Been eating some chicken lately and something about doesn't sit right with my stomach.

    All of these things are pretty mild. Saw some triggering images last night on some meme sites, but I am not gonna go there mentally. Death before relapse. That's my motta and I'm gonna stick with it. I know this strategy will work and in many ways will bypass all the tricks in the mind.

    Want to watch? Rather die.
    In pain? Better to die.
    Overwhelmed by horniness? Better to die.
    Depression? Die.

    Let NoFap kill me.

    Porn is already killing me inside. It's destroyed my life and my future (what some of it is now, the past). Killed me to relationships, women, people, my passion.

    Why not let the reboot kill me first. Maybe my ego will die with it. Like a phoenix I will be reborn. Resurrection.
     
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  3. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 5

    Stuff still not going quite the way I want them to. It makes me pretty upset and angry. Anyway, this is the stuff I have to deal with right now. It's not easy for me. Not by a long shot.

    Even though things feel like they aren't moving I am not watching P. As of right now I am not tempted by it, and I don't want to be. Things may have to get worse before it really starts to drive me down the PMO rabbit hole. It won't get me this time because I know what one peak will do to me. It will destroy me completely and force me to start over again. 5 days is a lot of time even though it's minuscule.

    I am sick of having to go through the relapse -recover - relapse cycle.

    Mood wise I am irritated. Body feels ok. I am not in physical pain. No headaches, don't feel sick. Skin is in it's post acne break out, but I think it's gotten a little better today. A few more days and it will really level off.

    Another plain, boring day of the reboot. I am sure my journal entry reflects that. I did come here to write about my thoughts so that is good. I remain hopeful despite being hopeless haha I can do this, just like a fat man can get on a treadmill and lose weight.

    Yeah, he may not WANT to, but he can sure as hell do it. I may not want the pain of withdrawals, but it's a necessary tax for recovery. I have to pay the toll. There is a cost. An exchange. I have to give it to receive my prize.
     
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 6

    Almost a week. Acne is still a bit flared up, but at least it's not getting worse. So long as I stay on the reboot it will start to go away. Glad that I came here, because I got the instantaneous reminder to die before relapsing. This will be my way of getting through the withdrawals. I know that they get really bad for me around the 16-21 day mark.

    One month for me right now is a huge achievement. I know I can do it even though its been so long since I've been there. My ultimate desire right now is to achieve that goal.

    Mood wise today I am a little better than average. Still depressed and have the usual suicidal/depressive thoughts that seem to be overwhelming at times, but today I actually don't feel too bad. It's hard to notice this too because I am so depressed you sometimes want to think that it isn't real. No wonder very few people can get out of depression. One thing that I was thinking about was, you never hear about depression success stories. You don't hear about people who have overcome depression and their lives are great again. It's just too rare of an occurrence.

    The only thing that I have actually heard was men who have overcome P and are feeling much better after giving it up. That's when they say they aren't depressed anymore. Honestly, it's the closest thing I can think of.
     
  5. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 7

    Morning bros.

    Starting to get a bit difficult for me , but it's still tolerable. I'm gonna die to this before I fap. I feel a lot of emotional pain this morning. Don't feel the greatest. Same shit, nothing's changed. Still waiting on someone to care. Still waiting for them to actually help me out. I'm completely helpless right now. One thing I do know though is that this problem will resolve itself eventually anyway.

    I've had harder days though. It isn't all bad. Just say fuck it. Today is lost just like every other day. Not gonna PMO though. I can fucking do this. I may not have believed that I could have done this, but I really wish I had years ago. I am going to imagine that I'm 55 years old right now. Fuck, I wish I had fixed this shit at 31. There.

    Just time traveled. I can fucking change this timeline.
     
  6. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    FAIL

    Coming here to say that I failed. Couldn't make it past a week. I edged for a few hours. Acne is flaring up now. Skin is itchy. Felt like garbage most of the day.

    How it happened? Was watching a movie on a streaming site and after I was done I was just about to close the browser when, bam! got triggered by an adult movie. Got triggered so bad started edging last night. Edged today too from a chaser.

    I forgive myself. I accept what I've done, but this shit needs to stop. I didn't even try to meditate. Everything just goes out the window when I'm triggered like that. My mind is so preoccupied with lust in that moment I don't even want to stop it. That's what pisses me off about trying to quit. It has SO much power over me. I need to be stronger than it. I need to have power over myself and my mind.

    Feels like shit to have relapsed like this, especially after feeling so committed, but you know what it feels even better to come here and admit that I didn't follow through 100%.

    Every time I relapse when journaling I get tempted to keep my counter going. I mean I have 126 k views on my journal. I wish my music had that many listens. It's just fucking ironic that instead of my music blowing up over time, it's this journal. All I've been doing in life is PMO, trying to quit and journaling about it over the years (started here like in 2012). It's funny and sad that the journal gathered so many views instead. Maybe if I just forgot about PMO and had worked on my music despite failing so hard I would have built myself a following and could have pursued my dreams.

    Man, life has such a cruel sense of irony.

    Anyway, that was something I had been thinking about. My acne and itching is a blessing in disguise even though it's disfigured my skin and given me scars. Acne can be so painful and uncomfortable sometimes. Only thing that makes it go away is abstaining from masturbation. No joke, I don't give a shit what some BS expert has to say. Same with balding, except you'll never get that hair back.

    So yeah. I failed. I didn't even die to my lust or to pron. I just gave in. How can I beat this if I cave like that? I can't.

    This is exactly why this feels so hopeless and helpless. I can't even think of a way to not fall in the same trap. All I can think of is letting go of the trigger and of the temptation. Letting go of my desire and attachment to it. It's much easier said than done.
     
  7. Resurrection

    Resurrection New Member

    Hello my friend. As far as I can see, going into the relapse-serial cycle has worn you out. You have also entered a difficult situation emotionally. It seems that these defeats on your journey have caused different psychological problems apart from the side effects of PMO. dude i can advise you to see a doctor and take antidepressants. this can both save you from the depression you are in and help you on your journey. SSRI type drugs make the job much easier as they generally lower the libido. against impulses. If you want, you can share it with the doctor and ask him to write a ssri that lowers libido. When you say that you are depressed, anxious, have trouble sleeping and focusing, he will diagnose you with anxiety disorder and most likely write ssri. These are not lies, pmo makes us experience them. In several scientific articles I read, it was said that antidepressant supplementation could be effective in pmo addiction. It both reduces the side effects of PMO by improving mood and facilitates the process by lowering libido. I used lustral for 3 months last year and my libido was really zero. I'm not married and I don't need a libido. this way i made 100+ days. pmo didn't even cross my mind. My mood was also good. but when I stopped the drug, my libido improved and I relapsed like an idiot for not taking any precautions beforehand. I let my guard down, thinking I was healed. I thought I was strong now that I could quit even if I looked a little bit. then boom. you can try this mate. But remember, the side effects of drugs can be challenging in the first 2 weeks. Worse than a pmo. and takes at least 2 weeks to take effect. are long-term drugs. and if that gets you to do a series, plan what you're going to do when you stop taking the drug in the process. Don't be open to bullets when the medicine shield is gone. I hope you can build a pmo-free life, man.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2022
    ace1234 likes this.
  8. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Thanks yeah I have tried some SSRI's for short while. It's along ass story, but it's kinda the reason why I also lost all of my money. I went off of them and I wasn't quite myself at the time. I made some bad financial decisions and lost 50k. I have no money right now.

    Feel much better today. No pain in genitals anymore. Skin is flared up from edging, but it's settled down a bit.
     
  9. Resurrection

    Resurrection New Member

    I got it mate. I don't know the details of the story. I hope you find the right way for you and apply it. money, house, car... these are all things we can get by working, man. so don't mind it. You can still earn much more. let's just get rid of this pmo scourge and achieve our full potential. I'm sure it will be really easy after that. better decisions, more efficient work, high determination, high energy, high cognitive ability... I wish you success in your journey. I hope you can build a life without pmo.
     
    ace1234 likes this.
  10. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks Resurrection. It's nice to get such a good reply from you. You are right. There are a lot of real benefits to abstaining. My life will improve if I continue to stay focused and abstain. That's all I want right now.

    Day 8

    I realized my all or nothing approach wasn't very effective or healthy. You can psyche yourself up to die before relapse, but you would rather go back to the pleasure than die. The irony. I believe we must accept the hold it has over us and acknowledge the pull of the temptation, but not act on it. Still there is a lot of benefit to dying to our addictions, or our thoughts, or anxieties. It has to do with letting go of the addiction and not holding on to it any longer, for support or otherwise.

    Today is a difficult day because I have come up against a wall. I need to decide how to get over this obstacle and I can feel the paralysis begin to take over. I have to confront this problem one way or another. Usually, I would jump to pron, but I am going to deal with it this time and find a way to fix my problem that I am having now.
     
  11. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 12

    I feel pretty okay today. I managed to get some things done today like see my therapist. It was a pretty good session and I felt like he cared about me and my situation. I felt kinda bad earlier today because I bought some really bad mocha coffee from the store. It just gave me the runs. Also, made me feel really irritated all over my body. It was not a pleasant experience. Maybe that's why tonight I was browsing risky stuff. I'm scared to talk about it even because I understand how much of a pull it has on me. I just know if I go back I will have to start all over again. I can feel my brain try to rationalize a relapse, but I have to let go of it every time. It's not easy though. Every time I do, it's like bam here it is again and I have to let go of it again, as it has it's claws in my brain.

    I really want to get 2 weeks. I am awfully close to making this small goal. I know I can make it. I just have to make the right choice. The hard choice. It's the harder choice. The less pleasant one. The one with physical suffering short term, but long term benefits. I think when I focus on the suffering and the pain that is required to deny myself pron it actually sort of begins to feel good. I think that's a major shift in the mind and probably key to me making it through tonight. Focus on the suffering. Focus on the pain necessary to get through the night. I definitely feel stronger and better doing so. The pain is good. The suffering is good.
     
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    10 fucking years

    10 fucking years this journal has been up on YBR. What the hell do I have to show for it? Just wasted time and failure. I want a time machine and start all over. It just feels so fucked. Here I am in bed, with my laptop, trying to make sense of everything and can't anymore. What the fuck is the point of anything anymore. I spend my time just watching youtube videos and of others living out their dreams, but I can't live out my own. I am a fucking wojak meme. It's so fucking depressing.

    Porn disgusts me yet, in my worst and darkest moments I go back to it. I've been binging and edging the past few days and I am sick of it. Porn doesn't even do anything for me anymore. It just makes me feel like shit and makes my skin worse and makes me more depressed.

    I have a ton of anxiety right now. I am trying to start a new job, but it wasn't what I had thought it would be. Instead of working during the day its about night driving and I don't want to be doing it. I hate driving at night and I hate the schedule. I can't really start looking for other work because it's too fucking complicated at this point. I don't want to live anymore, and yet I fucking have to like the rest of the planet. Suicide is not an option for me. I really hope things turn around and get better for me.

    Why does life have to be so shit?
     
  13. John Smith

    John Smith New Member

    hey dude i see youre still struggling with this. im an old timer with a new acc to check up on everyone from back in the day. i still fall victim time to time but it looks like youre lacking motivation and inspiration. i recently stubbled across a guy named zyzz, a bodybuilder who died a decade ago but the dude completely changed his own life and still inspires people to this day when it comes to body image. check him out on youtube there are a lot of dedicated channels to him providing inspiration that you can apply to fighting this addiction. when im feeling down and about i watch some of the zyzz videos and those usually uplift me and reminds me that theres a little zyzz in me helping me with get in the zone and push through. think of this when you decide to look at porn again: porn detained; semen retained; glory obtained
     
    ace1234 likes this.
  14. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for the replay John. I'll check him out some time. I don't really feel like looking it up right now.
     
  15. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Update Relapsing

    I don't know what good this will do, but I guess I want to update my journal with whats going on with me. Right now I am in a binging mode/phase. I've been watching porn and edging (haven't orgasmed in about a year) this past week almost every day. All I do is edge, but it's pretty much just as bad and I've heard that it's even worse for your brain because you flood with dopamine for longer hours.

    I don't want to trigger anyone so I won't go into details with what I search. I really feel like a failure right now more than I have in the past. Things aren't working out for me at all. The job that I thought I had isn't working for me. They want me to work hours that I just can't do. I can already tell they want to take advantage of me. Anyway, it set me back a whole month because I turned down another job opportunity for this one.

    So that's why I am binging. I feel hopeless and miserable. Feels like I am in free fall. Like I am in a plane and we are going down. That's how this depression feels like to me. The thing is I've already hit rock bottom and crashed a year and a half ago. I lost 60 grand and had to move back in with my friend. Lost my job and couldn't get back in with the same company.

    I tested positive on a drug test for a pre employment and its on my record now. It's been a devastating experience for me. Very few companies want to deal with me or trust me. It's completely legal in some states, but not for my profession. You can drink alcohol the night before you're out on your job, but smoke some ganja a month ago and you're disqualified.

    Anyway, I want to give up on life. In some ways I've already conceded.
     
  16. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1

    I feel really empty right now. I also feel hungry. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to just going to the store to get something to eat.

    I felt an urge to watch more porn today. It wasn't overwhelming, but it was very much a compulsion to do so. I'm glad I didn't. I am tired of how it makes me feel afterward and how it ruins everything for me. I hate how it makes me feel like garbage. I really want clarity and peace of mind back. It always feels good to just be in the moment without porn. I know that when I think about it that isn't always the case. I can feel my brain say, "yeah, but when you're stressed or angry porn feels good". That's the trap that I fall into, but afterwards I still feel like shit and sometimes even worse than before.

    I want to make to tomorrow without porn and then the next day, and the next, and the next one after that.
     
  17. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    End of Day 1

    Pretty boring mundane day. Didn't get anything done. I had a few times I really wanted to watch more porn, but only thing that stopped me was remembering how shitty I feel after watching it. I did make it though. I didn't spend any time watching porn and thats a good thing. My hands were always going down my pants though. It kind of pisses me off thats my default mode of being.
     
  18. John Smith

    John Smith New Member

    try finding something that motivates you enough skip porn. the other day i was really tempted to take a look at porn just to see whats new and take a little peak. peaking 99.99% of the time leads to continual watching, and continual watching leads to masterbation then orgasm. i decided instead to watch some zyzz motivation videos and worked out instead. i know how many days im pmo free now but i dont find it useful in terms on getting healthy again. just because someone is X days clean of pmo doesnt mean its any better than Y days. its about what is done for self improvement during those days. thats the mindset i use. temptation rejected; gains unaffected. hang in there and fight the urges. we are all gonna make it
     
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  19. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 3

    So this would technically end day 3. I was tempted quite a bit. I would say or rate my urges at about a 7 on a scale of 1-10. There were times when that was about all I could think about. I felt pretty empty and didn't want to do anything, which only made me want to jump into the world of pron more. I didn't do it though. Just kept my mind on the consequences and how it would change me mentally, and my skin. I thought about the moment after stopping watching pron and was able to resist the urge. That's about it for the day. Small success, hopefully can prolong it further.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  20. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for the post John. I wish there was something that would motivate me enough to stay away from porn, but that's kind of the problem is that I don't have anything that interests me anymore. I am struggling with an existential crisis where I feel empty inside and very little is pleasurable to me anymore. I mean even video games, which I used to enjoy a lot, only feel like work to me now.

    I might take up drawing though again. I think about it off and on and I used to draw as a kid so maybe your post is a good reminder to try it one day when I've got the urges.
     

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