Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.
Damn just relapsed hard. I feel hopeless.
Very difficult day.
Otherwise good, but problem was that reoccurring thought came up. Very troubling and it scares me every time I have it. It's like an anxiety attack.
3 days 19hrs
First time in a while I've been able to go 3 solid days of being clean. I feel good and honestly proud of myself. Just every day that I don't do it my skin and body feels better, not to mention my mind is clearer. I honestly think the consequences are catching up to me. I don't know if thats a good thing or bad, but I will use it as best I can. Still have more than half my life to live and I want to live it pure.
Glad I came in here today. I wanted to write this in the morning but its evening now.
Been a stressful couple of days. Not really sure about some things any more.
So you should be! It´s time to keep this going. Steady the ship and soon you won´t have to worry about staying afloat.
thanks was beginning to think this place was dead
Day 5 11 hr 30 min
Overwhelming sense of emotion. Feels very intense.
Tipping point. Make or break. I feel like Im about to break, but its ok because I recognize it. Pretty stressed about money right now. Nothing really working. So far everything failing.
Had a close call this morning, but I caught myself and did everything I could to get my mind back to why I wanted to do this. Time is running out.
Money is always a source of stress, you are doing well and like you already know porn solves nothing. Money problems are more
easier to solve with a clearer mind
So I ended up with a relapse about 10 days ago, but I am on day 10 right now.
day 10 17 hr
Pretty shit start to my week. Hopefully it gets better. Feel stressed as usual. Money still a problem. I had an uncontrollable fit where I may have irritated one of my friends when we were playing a game. It's ok because I apologized and defused the situation. It is however very indicative of the current stress I am under emotionally.
The current period of my life feels like a very dark wood. I have seen the light, but it was so very brief. Makes me want to give up all hope. So this means that I am dealing with some strong emotions today. They can overwhelm me, but I have already gotten a hold of myself for the most part. I am going to let go of all the things that are causing me to panic and stress. At this point I have nothing to lose.
17 Day 22 hrs
Noticing a lot of anger. Lots of rage and hatred. I keep thinking about everyone who's slighted me. There is just so much emotion it is very overwhelming. Under any other circumstances, I am sure I would relapse.
This time I'm letting it pass through me. It's uncomfortable and I don't want these feelings. Some of them are too intense. Thoughts of suicide, even I dare say harming others, even though I would never want to actually do that. The thoughts have a lot of justification and reasoning behind them which makes them so powerful and alluring.
Otherwise, I feel good and am happy with current progress. Despite feeling angry and irritated or tense, I am actually feeling okay. My acne is subsiding, but I doubt it will all go away soon. Maybe with a year progress it will clear up significantly.
Mind does feel a little clearer, but I could possibly notice more changes next week, assuming I make it that far. I am going to keep going as best I can. Just need to get through today. Can't worry about tomorrow.
Hopefully, things will get better from here. I always find the first two weeks to be very difficult and third one isn't any easier, but that's enough darkness for now.
There's more light than darkness ahead. I at least know that. I sometimes try to think about how people lived before the internet and pornography. Sometimes I watch old movies and everyone usually has a full head of hair. I digress though, my point is that nobody jacked off as much as we have. They all lived and survived. So it helps me when I get those sneaky thoughts that tell me I NEED to do it, because I don't.
Hey Ace, I noticed you started this journal in 2012, and that's about time when I started taking porn seriously and trying to quit.
I've always found it much harder for me to quit than for most other people (most aren't severely addicted.)
Seems like you're going through similar struggles, we are also similar ages. Maybe we can help each other out.
Notice you're on 17 days! Fuck yeah, keep it up.
Thanks for coming into my journal to make a post MasterKrug. I really didn't even expect anyone to still read this. Yeah still trying and just constantly failing. Lots of depression, lots of anger. We can for sure. Just tell me what you're thinking when you read mine and I will do the same for you.
day 19 14 hr
I have some bad news. I had a minor relapse. I realized it was because I was suppressing my anger. So next time I'm confronted with the same situation I am not going to ignore it and pretend everything is ok.
It was after I stopped peaking and edging that I realized that this is the only solution. It's only going to make me angrier if it continues. And that is only going to make me want to seek more lust to numb my pain.
I clearly don't want that as evidenced me being here.I spent about an hour the night before on it and this morning for about 45 min.
Progress has been hampered. I am not going to lie. I have been waking with constant morning wood, but this morning there was nothing.
Yes, I regret it. I am also moving on and not going to do it again. The rest of the day will be unaroused and clean.
I've been thinking about why some men have a hard time recovering, and after speaking with my coach I think I may have a possible answer.
In my opinion, Western Medicine doesn't know shit about healing. Sure we have made advances in understanding the physical body, but we are so much more than a machine.
That why I like Traditional Chinese Medicine. There is a much more holistic view on things. And when it comes to porn use and ejaculation, TCM says that it drains a vital energy force called Jing.
This Jing is first depleted from the balls, and then once the balls are out it comes from the kidneys, and you start feeling extra shitty.
Lots of guys who do NoFap, are NOT doing anything about replenishing and healing their kidneys. There is a sexual practice on how to do it. Look up the micro cosmic orbit.
I don't know enough about this topic to help out further, but my coach has me doing this practice. I will learn more about it and share if you'd like.
I see guys struggling still after 100 days, or even after a few years. I would like to figure out why.
Sure! We'd love to know more about it. Micro cosmic orbit, I will keep that in mind.
I tried it today, and wow I noticed a difference this time.
before when I did the microcosmic orbit, I only did the visualization part. Today I actually did the part where you contract your PC muscles, and it was noticeably more effective.
it’s still very tricky, I feel like I contract all the muscles at once and not isolated, but I guess that’s normal in the beginning.
The analogy my coach gave me was to imagine honey being squeezed like toothpaste up your spine and then drip down your front. This will make sense if you look up microcosmic orbit.
Wow, I always thought the chakra stuff is only taught by Indian yogis. Thanks a lot for sharing this, mate. This is really interesting!
It's definitely working it's way to the western world. That also means you have to be careful where you get your info. Lot of crap out there.
Yep. Relapsed and felt really shitty. I wanted one peak and look where that got me. Porn only feels pleasurable because it releases the dopamine, but it's releasing it in such a way that only harm. It's meant to be released with a partner or loved one, how God intended things to be.
I have very little hope I can beat or recover from this. I am still going to try because the only other option is being enslaved to this thing even further. My acne hasn't gone away and always gets worse after precum, don' even need to orgasm. Speaking of orgams I haven't had one in a long time. I just edge, because I don't ever even want to finish anyway.
So finally, my hair today has been falling out at a more accelerated pace. I counted about 20 hairs or so from my head and I don't even have much hair left anyway.
It pisses me off that there is shit on the internet stating this is a myth. It isn't. I don't give a shit what anyone else says. We are living in a messed up world where all the information is false. Everything is doctored and has an agenda. I honestly, don't want to be on the planet anymore.
At the same time, I still have these urges to watch porn and I fucking hate it. I don't want to engage in that shit. I don't want to masturbate like my roomate is right now in the shower. I can hear him jacking off every morning.
I am starting from zero again. I fucking cave every time around 3 weeks. I need to survive it somehow.
Starting over again
Well what can I say. Been really depressed because I've been out of work for a while. I keep relapsing. Granted I am having 10 day streaks, but still it's really shitty and I don't want anymore relapses. I am really going to commit to making it to 90 days. For me that would mean making it to May without a relapse. It's not going to be easy, but I am going to take the attitude of dying before a relapse.
I want to kill myself and commit suicide anyway. I might as well let No-PMO kill me. Just let the withdrawals kill me. Logically, I know they won't but the reason I succumb is because it feels like I will. Like my most recent relapse, for example, everything just kinda lost its shine. Nothing motivated me. Nothing felt good. I compulsively went to P.
I feel like shit. I never orgasm. I just edge, but sometimes semen comes out later when I pee. I makes me angry that I can't get this shit together, despite the hairloss, despite my skin getting oily and acne flaring up.
I'm fucking 31 almost 32 years old now. I'm fucking losing time. Getting older. No family of my own. No money or house of my own. I just want to end it all and blow my brains out. The only thing I am afraid of is being condemned to hell for all eternity if do end my life. I don't fucking want that either. It's fucking misery to live. Sorry for the language. I am very frustrated, sad, angry and lonely.
I honestly, am unsure about my commitment, but I know for a fact that I can do this, no matter how hard or painful. It is possible. I've said it before, 90 days, and failed, but I am gonna give it another shot.
Death before PMO.
Slept pretty poorly. I know that watching porn really fucks up my sleep. I stop having dreams, which is really interesting. Dreams start up again sometime after a week. I had some very brief dream last night though. I'm positive the dream was troubled as was my sleep. Don't feel 100% rested. I can feel my skin is a bit irritated too. I am sure if I watched more or watch more today that I will totally make things worse than they are now.
Otherwise it's a pretty bright sunny day out. I never go outside though, just don't have that luxury. I have these two roommates who always stay up till 7 in the morning then sleep all day. One them sleeps on a couch in the living room so you can't even make noise like normal. I don't live a normal fucking life.
Past year and a half ago I lost 50,000 dollars. It absolutely devastated me. That money I tried to use for myself and to build a new life, but look what it got me. I ended up moving out, but as soon as I lost it I had to move back in and my roommates who happen to be my close childhood friend and his mom resent me for it. His mom especially hate me. They gave me 6 months when she was talking about letting me stay indefinitely and I've been here for about a year and 2 months. I can't seem to get my shit together.
I drive trucks and thats how I made that 50k. What happened was, I quit my job because of the money and my insurance, naturally stopped. I was taking SSRI's at the time for depression and I hesitated to renew my prescription. I was also smoking ganja (because it helped with motivation and my depression) and I was experimenting with quitting that too. Well I don't think I was quite myself at the time because I made some stupid ass decision that wiped my account clean and I was left with nothing. It was the most horrific and fucked up thing I have yet experienced in life. It made me honestly want to go buy a gun and blow my brains out.
I tried to get a new job and I accidentally tested positive for THC. This is a federally regulated job, so it flagged me in the system. I had to get a counselor and I was a first time offender with a clean driving record, no DUI's or accidents or even speeding tickets. She put me on 2 year monthly testing where I had to take piss in a cup. I only later found out, recently, that the minimum was 12 months 6 tests. It was fucking insane. Just devastated me.
So now I am at square one. Can't smoke or enjoy the ganja at all. Have no money and racked up debt. I am trying to get a job, but some places won't even look at you if you tested positive, even though I am a safe driver with no accidents etc.. It's just such a fucked up system. I can understand alcohol and getting a DUI, but ganja doesn't do shit and probably made me a better driver, honestly.
Anyway, this is where I've been at the past few years. It's been really shitty because this has taken years away from my life. I've never wanted to end my life more than I have the past few years.
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