My Journey To Success

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks Cham..

    Actually I've been unable to log on for a long time.

    I am doing so to write down a particular thought that is critical to make note.

    All this time I've been angry at myself for not being able to overcome my addiction to porn when I should have been angry with the porn industry, the social culture and norms of liberal society.

    No longer will I be angry at myself.

    I see now from the perspective of prey that I have been lured, captivated, and killed.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    True, but I would push back and say that even though what you are saying may be correct, taking a victim mentality may not be the best approach. Though you may have been lured and haven't been can set yourself free with your newfound knowledge and this is what this journey is all about.

    Good luck my friend
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey man.. just checking in to see you guys still in it and fighting it out.. feels like a long long time when I last visited this forum but very happy to see many haven't given up.. wish you luck dear
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Cham, we are victims. Like it or not, we all have been victimized. No, it doesn't mean we give up, or throw our hands into the air. All I am saying is that the porn industry preys on young minds, especially. They are trying to tell you that what you have is not enough. That they are all having sex and you are not, so come watch what you're missing out. It's all a fucking lie. How many ads of cartoon pron have I seen on pronhub? Ive even seen the girl from Frozen animated with her tits bouncing up and down, and I wasn't even searching for it!

    Read the Blood Tipped Blade by Mathew Thompson to understand the prey analogy. Wolves are killed by using a knife covered in blood that has frozen into a icicle. Wolf is hungry. Wolf smells blood. Comes licking the blade. He keeps licking, unknown to him that he is now drinking his own blood. The wolf passes out from exhaustion and dies.

    This is what I mean, by being hunted and killed. I prefer the use of prey over victim, but they are almost virtually the same.

    Pornography is that blood tipped blade. We come hungry we try the blade. It tastes good. We keep going until we are in pain. You can keep the analogy going if you wish, but the death is a death we relive in horror every time.

    For there to be a trap, there must be a hunter.
  5. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Only reason I am here is to get my thoughts out. I relapsed last night.

    I want to document how I feel after the experience.

    It's been about 12 hours or so since the 4 hour long binge. At first I looked for hookers in my area, but couldnt find anything after sending 44 messages. I was worked up and was already so far down the rabbit hole I did not resist. Afterwards I felt the immediate pang of guilt and regret. I thought about my future wife, my future children. It felt like I took a step further away from them.

    I sat and cried this morning. I felt very miserable. I began to think about all of the reasons why I should hate the world and everyone in it. I was disturbed by these thoughts. I thought about buying a gun and killing myself. I felt anger. I felt distressed. I did not like the experience, to say the least.

    While I may no longer be driven to masturbate or search for hookers, the experience was totally worthless.

    My skin is now more prone to acne and in some places already breaking out. I am trying to apply benzole peroxide to relieve some of it.

    Question for the self: Could I have stopped and walked away from it and how would I have gone about it?

    First thing was to accept where I was and forgive myself for looking for hookers. Turning off the phone for at least a minute would have gotten the ball rolling in the other direction. Thinking about the misery and consequences of my actions may have given me the motivation to look away and not engage with the behavior. Lastly, some new focus should have preoccupied my time, something enjoyable for instance.

    I forgive myself for what I have done and I hope that I act more responsibly in the future.
    jack91 likes this.
  6. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Been a very long long time since I've been on this forum. For a while I switched to forums and had a journal there, but I did not accomplish much.

    Some things in my life have changed, but I am still struggling with pornography. I believe I started this journal in 2012.

    8 years its been and I still am struggling. Every time I told myself it would be the last time. 8 more years could pass and I could still be exactly where I am now.

    Yesterday I binged for many hours ending in a full PMO. I messed up my life pretty bad and I am having a hard time to accept it. Meaning, I am going back to a job I left a few months ago. I lost a lot of money, 60,000$ and I am starting with nothing again. It feels humiliating to have to go back to my job where I had told everyone I was leaving because I had finally saved enough. I also ended up wasting near a years worth of hard work. It feels very, very bad.

    The lack of money has forced me to stay home and isolate myself, which is just recipe for porn watching.

    I am grateful though, for the small few things that I do have. I still can come back from such a loss as I have the opportunity, living in the US. Many people are living in poverty all around the world. I still have some friends who support and care about me. I am also not in jail or incarcerated.

    I am on Day 1 today and there were no urges to watch pornography, because I had "satiated" my desire yesterday, but I know the ugly beast will return soon.
  7. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Last night I masturbated and came in like 5 seconds. Kind of embarrassing to post it here like that with the full word written out. Today I accidentally nicked my acne on my back and it hurt a lot.

    Tons of stress today and lack of motivation to actually fix this problem. I need to just start working again. I am aware of my procrastination. I can choose to take the next step towards recovery.

    This moment is shit, yes, but tomorrow will also be shit if I don't do anything today. At least I could be a step closer to where I want to be.
  8. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Feel tempted to watch porn right now. I wrote a pretty decent entry and it got deleted when I rebooted my PC. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal. I am making some pasta right now and looking forward to eating it. I can still experience pleasure from activities if I want to. I think a lot of recovery has to do with honesty. Honesty with yourself, others, even the government. It's funny that I mention the government, because I can see how someone could comment how it's totally unrelated, and you would be 100% correct.

    I got into this mess because I wanted to cheat the system a bit and now I've dug such a hole for myself that it's difficult to get out. PMO! ESCAPE! CANT DEAL WITH REALITY!

    I cope very poorly.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I definitely don't think this is embarrassing mate.

    Especially if you had not Oed in a while, it can be very normal ! :D
  10. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 6

    My day seems unbearable. Already was tempted to watch more porn, but I know it won't solve my problems. I feel alright physically, but mentally I am a mess. I wish life wasn't about money. How I just want to die.

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