My Journey To Success

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member


    True, but I would push back and say that even though what you are saying may be correct, taking a victim mentality may not be the best approach. Though you may have been lured and captivated..you haven't been killed..you can set yourself free with your newfound knowledge and this is what this journey is all about.

    Good luck my friend
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey man.. just checking in to see you guys still in it and fighting it out.. feels like a long long time when I last visited this forum but very happy to see many haven't given up.. wish you luck dear
     
  3. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.


    Cham, we are victims. Like it or not, we all have been victimized. No, it doesn't mean we give up, or throw our hands into the air. All I am saying is that the porn industry preys on young minds, especially. They are trying to tell you that what you have is not enough. That they are all having sex and you are not, so come watch what you're missing out. It's all a fucking lie. How many ads of cartoon pron have I seen on pronhub? Ive even seen the girl from Frozen animated with her tits bouncing up and down, and I wasn't even searching for it!

    Read the Blood Tipped Blade by Mathew Thompson to understand the prey analogy. Wolves are killed by using a knife covered in blood that has frozen into a icicle. Wolf is hungry. Wolf smells blood. Comes licking the blade. He keeps licking, unknown to him that he is now drinking his own blood. The wolf passes out from exhaustion and dies.

    This is what I mean, by being hunted and killed. I prefer the use of prey over victim, but they are almost virtually the same.

    Pornography is that blood tipped blade. We come hungry we try the blade. It tastes good. We keep going until we are in pain. You can keep the analogy going if you wish, but the death is a death we relive in horror every time.

    For there to be a trap, there must be a hunter.
     
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Only reason I am here is to get my thoughts out. I relapsed last night.

    I want to document how I feel after the experience.

    It's been about 12 hours or so since the 4 hour long binge. At first I looked for hookers in my area, but couldnt find anything after sending 44 messages. I was worked up and was already so far down the rabbit hole I did not resist. Afterwards I felt the immediate pang of guilt and regret. I thought about my future wife, my future children. It felt like I took a step further away from them.

    I sat and cried this morning. I felt very miserable. I began to think about all of the reasons why I should hate the world and everyone in it. I was disturbed by these thoughts. I thought about buying a gun and killing myself. I felt anger. I felt distressed. I did not like the experience, to say the least.

    While I may no longer be driven to masturbate or search for hookers, the experience was totally worthless.

    My skin is now more prone to acne and in some places already breaking out. I am trying to apply benzole peroxide to relieve some of it.

    Question for the self: Could I have stopped and walked away from it and how would I have gone about it?

    First thing was to accept where I was and forgive myself for looking for hookers. Turning off the phone for at least a minute would have gotten the ball rolling in the other direction. Thinking about the misery and consequences of my actions may have given me the motivation to look away and not engage with the behavior. Lastly, some new focus should have preoccupied my time, something enjoyable for instance.

    I forgive myself for what I have done and I hope that I act more responsibly in the future.
     
    jack91 likes this.
  5. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Been a very long long time since I've been on this forum. For a while I switched to Nofap.com forums and had a journal there, but I did not accomplish much.

    Some things in my life have changed, but I am still struggling with pornography. I believe I started this journal in 2012.

    8 years its been and I still am struggling. Every time I told myself it would be the last time. 8 more years could pass and I could still be exactly where I am now.

    Yesterday I binged for many hours ending in a full PMO. I messed up my life pretty bad and I am having a hard time to accept it. Meaning, I am going back to a job I left a few months ago. I lost a lot of money, 60,000$ and I am starting with nothing again. It feels humiliating to have to go back to my job where I had told everyone I was leaving because I had finally saved enough. I also ended up wasting near a years worth of hard work. It feels very, very bad.

    The lack of money has forced me to stay home and isolate myself, which is just recipe for porn watching.

    I am grateful though, for the small few things that I do have. I still can come back from such a loss as I have the opportunity, living in the US. Many people are living in poverty all around the world. I still have some friends who support and care about me. I am also not in jail or incarcerated.

    I am on Day 1 today and there were no urges to watch pornography, because I had "satiated" my desire yesterday, but I know the ugly beast will return soon.
     
  6. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Last night I masturbated and came in like 5 seconds. Kind of embarrassing to post it here like that with the full word written out. Today I accidentally nicked my acne on my back and it hurt a lot.

    Tons of stress today and lack of motivation to actually fix this problem. I need to just start working again. I am aware of my procrastination. I can choose to take the next step towards recovery.

    This moment is shit, yes, but tomorrow will also be shit if I don't do anything today. At least I could be a step closer to where I want to be.
     
  7. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Feel tempted to watch porn right now. I wrote a pretty decent entry and it got deleted when I rebooted my PC. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal. I am making some pasta right now and looking forward to eating it. I can still experience pleasure from activities if I want to. I think a lot of recovery has to do with honesty. Honesty with yourself, others, even the government. It's funny that I mention the government, because I can see how someone could comment how it's totally unrelated, and you would be 100% correct.

    I got into this mess because I wanted to cheat the system a bit and now I've dug such a hole for myself that it's difficult to get out. PMO! ESCAPE! CANT DEAL WITH REALITY!

    I cope very poorly.
     
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I definitely don't think this is embarrassing mate.

    Especially if you had not Oed in a while, it can be very normal ! :D
     
  9. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 6

    My day seems unbearable. Already was tempted to watch more porn, but I know it won't solve my problems. I feel alright physically, but mentally I am a mess. I wish life wasn't about money. How I just want to die.
     
  10. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 0 (many months later)

    Doing pretty bad right now. Still no job and I had to move back in with a friend of mine. Pretty sure he is sick of me though.

    Can't stop watching porn, or at least it feels like I can't. Been watching every day for about 2 weeks now. I never orgasm just edge. Last time I orgasmed was probably last year in September or something.

    Man, I am a complete failure. Everything I've wanted to accomplish by this time has failed. I don't think I'll ever recover. I always say shit like that too when I know it isn't 100% true. I know I can overcome shit, but it just feels impossible to me.

    Haven't done laundry or gone grocery shopping. Feel like shit. Haven't taken care of anything in my life really. Just procrastinating. All I do is watch shitty movies to pass the time. Video games don't do anything. Honestly, want to be dead, but I know that isn't an option for me.

    I just don't want to be struggling anymore. I don't want to be struggling 10 years from now either. I know I need to take responsibility some time.
     
  11. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 0

    Starting over again literally, but this time in a different way. I want to go 3 weeks minimum. Like right now, the most important thing for me is getting back to work, but PMO is an excuse for not dealing with my life and getting one.

    I've really messed a lot of things up.

    There will be no ganja either because I will need to pass a test. 30 days I know I will be good to pass.

    This is like a life experiment for me. The lab is life. I want to change my situation and the only way that I know how is that if I give up ganja and masturbation.

    3 weeks is 21 days and I am going to go do a home test myself and possibly get it confirmed by an actual lab somewhere, before I apply to my new job.

    Hopefully I can still get around 50k a year. That will be my goal. I have good records and good history.

    Anyway, reason I am writing this journal is because I am starting this very second and I am having the experience of wanting to take another hit. Just one last one. Maybe I'll even allow one last one before this 3 week ordeal.

    I'll be back to journal every day. I also have a counter on my phone, but I will need to use this forum to keep track of progress.
     
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 0

    Starting again. I want to journal a bit more frequently. I face resistance just coming here. Hopefully I can make 90 days again.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  13. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Shortly after I made that post I relapsed. It's crazy how much power this has over me.

    Day 2

    Honestly, I think this is day 2. Been pretty shit day even though nothing bad has transpired. Just generally feel empty inside. Nothing interests me. Wasting time looking at memes. Just wasting time and wasting my life. If I end up passing my drug tests I'll be back to work this week.

    It's the only thing I have going for me. Everything else is just...

    felt some major urges to watch porn and masturbate, but decided not to, not to watch at least for today. Fuck what happens tomorrow. At least today I will live porn free. Fuck if I get married or find love or not. At least today, no matter how bored or full of shit I feel, I won't watch it.

    Can I fucking do it?
     
  14. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Woke up really early today. In this moment, I actually feel better. Like I don't feel any urge to watch porn and I am not aware of any feeelings that make me feel empty. I have plans for the day, as usual. My days are pretty empty at the moment. Hopefully, will get some news to my drug tests and if I can continue with my new job.

    My biggest worry is that the second hand smoke from my roomate has affected me. He vapes gangja in the house and it could cause me to fail. It would be really devastating if I failed another one because of it.

    If I experience any overwhelming urges, I am just gonna go for a walk.
     
  15. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 0

    Found a way to have my journal open now on my phone. Will be checking in here more often, I hope.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Relapse

    Cam site. Spending money. New addiction. Real interactions (for the internet)

    Really should stop. I know its not healthy being there.
     
  17. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    6 hrs

    What really helps is recording positive journal entries that make me feel good, not bad, about avoiding PMO.

    Recording them like right now as an example. They should generally be positive or at least the attitude should be geared towards recovery being an actual possibility, because it is.

    Believing its not is just a belief that holds me back and one that needs to be thrown away if one hopes for a chance of success. That "one" being me, of course.

    Despite relapse I am recovering from it already. The after effects will still be felt for at least a weak.

    Learned a few things from a video I watched. One reoccurring theme is facing your problems without the crutch of PMO.

    I am going to do my best to face that pain and not try to mask it over with pornography.

    Tonight, it being late, is that first step. My mind is placated by that last release, but it will soon hurt, or it might not, but either way best prepare for pain.
     
  18. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1

    Starting over for real. Right now I want to watch but won't. Must face my problems.
     
  19. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1

    First day for me. Every relapse is making me more determined. This is a life choice and I want and need to reboot my brain.

    I feel a bit itchy, but overall could be feeling much worse, so for a first day I feel alright.

    Hopefully, I make the right choices today and make it to tomorrow. Then do the same thing and continue to build a streak. All the way to 90 days.
     
  20. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1 16 hrs

    Keep relapsing hard. I am really tempted to watch porn now. The reasoning is I am only on day 1 so it doesn't matter anyway. Watch the porn.

    I wish I could tell myself no and be done with it, but honestly even this cheap ass rationale gets me. I mean I was honestly and seriously going to watch it just now, but this very entry is the choice I made to go in the other direction. It wasn't much or anything of a decision really, and yet it is everything.

    Now just need to not throw away this moment and make it to Day 2 which is tomorrow.

    Tomorrow I have plans at work that I need to catch up on. I will be getting up about 5 or 6 am depending how I sleep tonight. No melatonin or diphennihydramine. Actually scratch that, can probably borrow my buddies melatonin for tonight.

    That solves a small bit of stress.

    Although he is laughing uncontrollably and I don't know if I am gonna get any sleep, so I am kinda prepared for the worst. Oh well, I don't really need much sleep tomorrow anyway.

    It's interesting how your mind can stress about so many things and believe that you have already failed.

    I think every time my mind feels urges or that I feel drawn into that reality, I lose touch of myself, quite literally. It's hard to go through those moments, but the key is to do nothing. For those reading, I am talking about being mindful. Breathe, let go.

    I can do this. Let's go. Number two coming around the corner. Glad I took the time to do this, to sit and reflect. I think journaling is very engaging, if I feel conflicted, and need an activity to do,

    Still feeling really sad about losing my money. I've complicated my life and there is lots to say, but I am doing my best to learn from the pain and not make the same mistake in the future. There really is no other option than taking responsibility for a massive financial mistake. I never wanted this lesson and honestly, never asked for it, but it's already here and I can't waste any more time. My 30's will soon be over. Just 9 more years.

    There is lots to do if I don't want to suffer in my 40's.

    Signing out.
     

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