Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.
Whoa, cool! And very deep!
I believe its day 4. Away for a few days. I want to post another link. Making more headway here.
The FSAP proticol is where its at. I even purposefully opened a porn page so I could envoke the same negative feelings that cause me to masturbate.
Once I felt their source I expanded on them and targetted with EMDR.
I will be purosefully watching porn and noticing what emotions and memories it envokes.
When I looked at porn that time, it didn`t interest me like before.
I just need to repeat this procesd in a few days again to root out all of the `feeling stated`associated with porn.
That's a very interesting method. I always thought it could work. I'm interested to see to see if it works/could work.
Hey man, you have gotten me interested in EDMR. Firstly it's up to you obviously but I wouldn't advise going on P at all, even if for these purposes. Gary Wilson would def advise against it and he's the best call with all things P related. Lol.
Anyways I'm interested because I have a few experiences of mild trauma and my mind plays back to them sometimes and I find myself replaying these scenes over in my head without realising that I've been reliving horrible feelings until I snap out of it. However, when I do EDMR I can't bring those feelings back, is it because they aren't extreme enough? I mean I didn't die but I felt pretty scared, panic attacks etc when these events happened. I have done two ten min sessions so far and they just kinda relaxed me tbh or made my eyes feel tired. I didn't feel compelled to relive bad memories. Should this happen naturally? Basically a newcomer to this altogether
It did exactly what it was meant to do. You've processed the emotional experience! Now they won't bother you like before!
Amazing, isn't it?
Here is something else really interesting:
Read it everyone.
I actually just looked at some mild porn on purpose right now just so I could evoke some of the same negative thoughts and emotions that I need to process with EMDR. I got a few interesting tidbits. Mostly, that I am searching for adventure, male adventure. When I was little there was a girl (and other girls, but this was the main) that I would undress and play doctor/house etc.. Play with her, kiss her, get her naked ( we were like 5-10 growing up together). One time (I was about 11 and just about getting erections) I took out my penis and just started dancing in front of her swinging it around and it was starting to get erect. She was laughing, pointing at it, and asking me what it was.
I must say that was a lot of fun and it was so exciting. Later, somehow my mom and her mom found out and they had a really embarrassing talk with me. The shame I felt was immense. I stopped being sexual openly at that time.
I crave excitement and fun with the opposite sex. It's another reason why I go to porn. I've associated this male drive with porn. I know I replaced this fun with images, cutouts from bra magazines like Victoria's Secret, later Playboy, and then high speed porn.
I have put out the male fire inside of me. Wired something that shouldn't be wired together.
Anyway, after I did the EMDR while focusing on these emotions and memories, I really wanted to reach out to this girl. I just found her on facebook and sent her a message. If she responds is another story, but I hope she does. I think it will be another chapter in my recovery here.
Anyway, while the images do excite me (the porn I mean), they really sadden me at the same time. I feel better now though, after doing that session..
BUT please do read that link I posted. It will give you a much better view of EMDR and it's application to addictions.
It's been documented to work. I think the trick is learning how to do it properly yourself.
Edited: Please read and take this post with a grain of salt. I ended up relapsing from edging and binging for quite some time. This may still be effective, but it was too risky at the time.
Did something really risky today, but I believe I achieved a new mindset. I felt cravings and with my own awareness I opened up my favorite porn website and put in my favorite search terms. Each time I felt a rush I did EMDR with audio and hand tapping my shoulders back and forth. It was not easy, I kind of enjoyed the experience (getting the chance to look naked girls), but at the same time it was anxiety provoking because I am worried about relapsing. The great thing is that I don't have to worry anymore, or at least not as much as I used to.
I closed the windows now. The thumbnails were very arousing, but the mindset went something like this:
I feel like I am missing out on hot sex and experience with hot girls so I watch porn <- old mindset
I feel like I am missing out on my own sexuality and my own experiences by watching porn <- new mindset
I feel pretty good now. It feels like a really solid belief that I've ingrained into myself without any force. I truly believe it. So now I don't feel like watching porn, no matter how arousing those videos are.
I had to think of multiple feelings, multiple reasons as to why I wanted to watch porn. I had to ask what was missing from my life. I had to ask what need porn filled inside of me. It was not easy, but the new belief is confirmation that I found what I was looking for.
I need to reassess some things here. I ended up relapsing and binging after having a huge emotional outburst. I was filled with a lot rage. Maybe I went to porn to seek release or escape the fact I was unable to handle the situation correctly. I have heard especially in SA meetings and the 12 step programs that anger usually leads to relapse. When we accept responsibility for ourselves and forgive ourselves, as well as others, then we can heal. I also emailed a few EMDR therapists on anger and how one can process it. One responded, but was unsure since he never used FSAP, although he knew about it. He gave me a basic theory, but it will require more experimentation.
Well, I know for a fact that positive self talk while doing EMDR is enormously helpful and noticeable. After relapse, I did EMDR and focused on the negative impact my relapse will have on my life and relationships, in particular. I told myself I did not have to get angry at anyone. I told myself I did not have to engage anyone in hostile behavior. It worked out pretty well because I spent the rest of the night with a family member who, like always, was pretty confrontational. I just kept my cool. When there was a verbal attack in response to me making a comment that I did not appreciate the behavior, I was able to defend myself in a way that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I was very calm, but asserted myself in a decent way that put the other person a a bit to shame. I kind of cringed at the fact really, that it was so awkward. Usually, I am on the other end after being provoked like that. Afterwards the tension just naturally eased.
Still I believe EMDR works. I am just not disciplined enough & skilled to use it with 100% effectiveness, but with time I believe I can eliminate this habit with EMDR.
I know that telling myself while doing EMDR that I don't need to watch or masturbate to porn helps. Telling myself and reminding myself that I am done with porn has been very effective. Even now, when I write this I truly believe that I am done with porn. EMDR has instilled this belief that it's over. I just need to see it through to completion and end the cycle.
Like cutting a cord.
EMDR gave me the scissors, or the knife, but I have to make the cut.
Maybe I am still afraid? I will try and process this.
This. I go through the same thing. I will look at Tinder, Bumble, other dating apps, then since you don't get instant gratifications, I go to online classified page and since it's illegal to actually call any of them, I just look through posts. It is such a waste of time, and of energy. And once you go too deep, it's like you can't even stop yourself. It' slike you are on autopilot. I hate that crap, you would think that since those dating apps are real women, and not porn stars, then it would be different. But it's all the freaking same, and it doesn't help that these women believe themselves to be more attractive than what they are and reject guys that honestly should be outside of their leagues. It's totally BS. I hate dating apps. But they are it's own form of addiction..so it's good that you are moving away from that. I do believe that once your life is together, that's when the girls follow. In my experience, all of the girls that have ever been interested in me have been attracted to my financial or academic success. It's like this: Selena gomez hooked up with the Weeknd. But if the weeknd was some struggling artist still...this wouldn't happen. Any guy however would bang gomez, even if she was homeless haha see the difference? So focus on yourself, I am too. I have a different circumstance than you, but I relate. You want to be artist, go for it bro, in today's age, it is the easiest time to become an artist than any other time in history. The internet changed everything. I have a couple of my buddies from high school that are pretty successful with music now, and they started brick by brick. So keep pushing man, on all fronts. Things will get better.
Sorry for my rant.
Cham.. THANK you for your rant Ha! It's good to have someone who can share their input. Otherwise it feels like you're just talking to the wind. Yeah, that dating experience, you expanded on it nicely. It's a complete waste of time and once you start its just as bad as porn. For me, it just always leads back to porn because dating/relationships/meeting people takes work, but these online dating apps and websites promise instant gratification, however, it never meets up to it's promise so I slowly escalate to porn.
Been reading up more on EMDR protocol. I think I am getting more of a handle on it. What I did earlier by looking at porn and then doing EMDR was wrong. The protocol mentions nothing of the sort. It's mostly about processing beliefs. These beliefs help to stay away from porn and avoid it all together.
Not sure what day I am on right now since I relapsed about a week ago. I M'd without porn a few days ago. Looking to take this a bit more seriously again. Resetting my counters.
Masturbated today without porn. Felt good to just let go without any porn. I've always felt bad masturbating so I would just use porn anyway, but using porn is worse.
Anyway, I don't really want to be masturbating at all. Today was ok. Most important thing is controlling my porn viewing and coming here to track my progress.
Really feel positive with EMDR. I have a feeling it's going to be an amazing year.
I've had morning erections almost every day now for the past week. Good sign. They are really weak, but just having them is great. Weather is also good today. Getting nostalgic for old memories, because of the weather.
Probably, for the first time in my life I feel free from porn.
EDIT I forgot to mention, that I am starting to dream... a lot, lately. I had a big EMDR session about 2-3 days ago where I deconstructed some very old beliefs about myself and my fear of success (mostly related to music, but now I realize I have a fear of succeeding in NoPMO), not sure if it's related, but I doubt it's merely coincidence.
M'd again, but without porn.
So I made a video log on youtube that I want to share. It's EMDR related. About 20 minutes. Video and audio is not the best. I kind of always wanted to do a video NoFap Vlog.
I guess now I am a bit out there in the public. I want to make more in the future.
Day 11 Since Last PMO - 1 Day since last M
Been feeling a lot better lately. I've been procrastinating a lot, but I ended that about an hour ago. Tomorrow is a fresh day.
Porn is really out of the picture for me. It's faded more into oblivion lately. EMDR had a big role in that. I think of porn, even my favorite scenes now and I just don't get excited anymore, which is an awesome feeling.
It's why I've been M'ing without porn. It actually feels really, really good. Like, 10x better? Why was I ever watching porn in the first place?
I feel so out of touch though. If it's that good just by myself, I can't imagine with a girl I like. It's been a year since I've had sex last.
Anyway, I still don't want to be masturbating though. I guess while I've been dealing with porn I've allowed myself to M. I M'd last night to motivate me to go to sleep. My sleeping routine/schedule is way off and I had to reset. I got pretty bad sleep last night, but I managed to wake up half past six.
Most important thing was getting on here to check my days and log on. Once you lose track of the days it gets easy to slip back. I am only saying this because when you start out the habits are really ingrained.
Oh!! That reminds me. So P has a diminished effect on me, but what I've found that remains is just compulsiveness. I am going to need to do more research on this, but that seems to be the next 'layer' for me.
Otherwise, it's all pretty good!
Today was a really nice day for me. I enjoyed most of my day. There was nothing really to the day itself. I was mostly just in the moment and enjoying the small things. It's a good sign.
Fuck you porn. Fuck you depression.
Woke up at 6:00.
Had to reset. Some stress in my life added from yesterday, but dealing with it at the moment. I know I keep promising to give this stuff up. In my heart I've given it up, but the habit is still there. I am almost there.
I had to reset again. I have a hard time resetting my counter. I keep relapsing so much. Every time I say that that was the last time, but then I am just back at it again. Although, I feel much stronger in getting back up again and trying. It's really tough when you say you've quit for good, but then end up relapsing a short while after. It doesn't make me look good. In fact it discourages me from further trying because of the embarrassment. I know that admitting to this will allow me to own it 100% and take responsibility. I can always try again, regardless of what others think of me or how many times I've failed.
A relapse is always tough but think of it as a long process in which you make some fundamental changes in your mind regarding porn. It's not appropriate to say each time you relapse that this will be the last time because to be honest, that won't happen. Denying that you don't have a problem with porn doesn't work. Make it more gradual and realistic for yourself. Relapses may happen along the way but never forget to look at the big picture.
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