My Journey To Success

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Quick update:

    So I came across more triggering images and this time nudity. I was watching a movie with Eddie Murphey and there were a lot of nude scenes in it.

    The greatest part? I felt no need or desire to masturbate or watch porn!
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Which Eddie Murphy movie? He's one of my favorite actors, but watching beverly hills had some triggers in it.
    Good job on not masturbaitng or watching porn, just keep on moving my friend, you got this!
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Is it me or does EMDR actually help with the withdrawals symptoms? I really feel like it does, and it would make sense given that it works on the stress system.

    Anyway, I did my third session today, and I'll keep at it. Targetting porn, social anxieties, soon fear of public speaking, then I'll see. It's funny how I start the session with porn and other things come up, which I address as they arise... It's so inter-connected!
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 15

    Trading Places. It was my first time watching it. Now don't go and watch it for the nude scenes. ;) Yeah I like Eddie Murphy a lot too. He is really funny. Those movies remind me of the days my family came to the US. Good times.

    Afterwards though, I had some cum/semen leak after taking a piss that day, but I never masturbated or watched porn. Thank you! Good to see and hear from you!

    Yes I believe it can help. For me it helps mostly with the cravings. I find that withdrawal symptoms don't necessarily disappear for me. I still have to endure them, but at least I don't have to give in to watching porn anymore. Good for you Newnes! I am glad it is helping you! I wish more people here who were struggling could know about it!

    Targeting porn is where the magic happens. I purposefully imagine myself surfing porn or typing the keys out on the keyboard. It really helps to detach and dissociate. They are all interconnected. I think porn watching is connected to everything in our brains, from our insecurities, to our arousal, to our motivation and memory, but we've heard most of this stuff before, already.

    Here is another EMDR video that just does audio. I found it pretty healthy to switch it up from the visual to the audio. The audio one, when I first heard it really had an effect on me.

    As for day 15, it was mundane and boring again. I felt pretty empty. Porn definitely filled a hole inside me. This emptiness persists.
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    What is the emptiness like?

    And damn, I will need to give this EMDR a shot.
  6. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 16

    It's loneliness and horniness mixed together. I would say it's the desire to be with someone intimately. That's really it in a nutshell.

    It's that same desire that drove me to waste a lot of time looking at intim ads online today. It's the equivalent to porn. I am addressing this with EMDR. Ran into some racy images, but EMDR has really dampened their effect on me. I am actually a bit surprised it would be that noticeable. Usually a nude image has a completely different effect on me.

    The desire to be with someone is so great it's pushing me to meet women online, but I don't have the patience for it so I end up searching for sex.

    What I need to do is stop searching online & take care of the things in my life I've been wanting to accomplish. Eventually, things will fall into place.
  7. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    She is really hot. Thought I would get it out there. Watch this video to see how it works. Essentially, you need to think about the emotions porn arouse in you then do EMDR. Stop take a break and then think about the the positive things like "how strong you are" "how you don't need porn" etc.. "you are porn free" then do EMDR again to solidify that belief.

    Day 17

    So far things are alright. I had porn craving come up today that was quite powerful. Did EMDR to combat it. Feel pretty good and don't have to watch porn.
  8. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Today is one of the hardest days of the reboot so far.

    But I am gonna make it.
  9. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1

    Well I made it through that day. Day 18 I dropped the ball.

    What happened?

    It was simply a case of loneliness and rejection due to online dating. I really don't like online dating. I get very poor results and it makes me depressed. What I need to do is focus on my life and my future. I kind of have to bite the bullet and forget about girls all together until I have something worthwhile that girls are attracted to. So I have to build.

    I am happy to take 18 days. I have been struggling to make it one week. Now I know what to watch out for around the same time. No more searching for dates or sites to hookup. Fuck that. I am just not ready. It all leads down the same pipe.

    Now this time, with the help of EMDR I am going to avoid this mistake and actually do this. Don't doubt yourselves!

    I actually never watched any hardcore porn. I hardly watched porn at all. I was searching nude videos on youtube. A part of me wants to keep going with the reboot, but I know it's not right. We are taking about dopamine. My dopamine was spiked during that time so I need to reset.

    Honestly, I worked myself up into a frenzy. I should have ignored the desire to meet girls online. Surfing through hundreds of girls on Tinder is so much like porn for me. I could not force myself to concentrate on anything else for about two days. After watching the youtube videos I decided to get it over with and get a release.

    Sometimes you just need to hurry up and get it over with, UNLESS you can and are willing to stick with your plan, which in that case you shouldn't have even watched any porn in the first place.

    Great experience! Always good to be humbled! It will only make me more careful this time around! I honestly, now realize, that porn never really interested me. What I've always wanted was human connection, intimacy, to be loved and to love, to be desired and to desire. THIS is the reason that I watch porn.

    I just don't get that human connection. Or general love from women. I am not talking about sexual attraction or sex, no. I mean just general affection, but affection that comes from women. Feminine energy is lacking in my life and I love feminine energy. I love women, but when I see women reject men, or reject me, or be cold, rude, it drives me to masturbate.

    It's sad.
  10. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Wow Ace, that was a very deep post.

    With time I hope you will find what you're looking for. Do you have the time to do something like volunteering? I find you could find some very cool people like that. Or take a class in something. It's a nice way to meet people. Or on if it has users that actually put on events where you live.

    It's great that you made it to 18 days. It shows you that you can actually do this if you set your mind to it.
  11. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks yearofchange.

    While it's a great idea I live a bit far from the city. I am in Moscow, but its a pain to go out there. Something like an hour with traffic and then an hour on the subway.

    I really appreciate your posts yearofchange. I don't know if you know how much it means to me. I don't even know who you are in the world, but man it sure is good to connect.

    I can do it.

    I relapsed today again. Softcore stuff on youtube. I haven't been doing EMDR. I did EMDR just now after relapsing, blowing up (on my grandmother who I am taking care of - she is 88). Really feel bad for yelling at her and nearly getting physical/using force on her. If this was cocaine it would be obvious I have a problem, but it's just soft fucking core porn. The thing is... I still have a problem.

    EMDR does help. I just need to use it everyday. It works on cravings and I need to just watch the video and focus on the craving and I can move past it.

    Going again.
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 2

    Doing alright. Family members were provoking me a few days ago. My sense of calm was disturbed and was very easy for me to become irritable. I have one more year of therapy, then I will look at moving out and moving either back to the US or further in town Moscow here. I am really sick of my mother chastising me for not having a degree or finishing school when my real dream is to be a musician and an artist. She thinks I am just dreaming. It hurts that she still doesn't understand or give a care in the world. She does not support me and openly encourages me to stop trying. She thinks I am irresponsible and not self sufficient because I live with her in the house. The thing is I really want to spend time with my grandmother while she is still alive and it's why I've chosen to live with them. I help her out while I work on my own projects.

    Every time I leave my mother gets all soft and sweet and coaxes me back. Then once I am back she starts bitching like crazy. So sick of it. I wish I was just treated like the adult that I am. I don't need to prove anything to her. This is my life and she is still trying to control it. Drives me nuts. Then she makes me feel guilty for going my own way or breaking ties with her. It's such an endless cycle.

    One more year, and if she continues to treat me the same way, I am out. I have some money saved up in a stock that is starting to do quite well right now. In a year I could have enough money to buy a nice car if I wanted to, but I am just going to use the money for living expenses and making music.

    I am going to become successful. I know it deep down in my heart. The more resistance I face in making it to success the more I push and the harder and smarter I try. I've learned so much from disappointments in my life. I've spent so much time and energy, sacrificed a lot of things in my life, that it would be crazy to give up now.
  13. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    In regards to EMDR this is one of the best videos I've found.

  14. Veeav

    Veeav New Member

    I read your posts (not all of them of course - there are too many :rolleyes:). And here is my conclusion:
    Three years have passed since you wrote your first post and you didnt win. Its really long time during which you adapted a lots of bad habits and thoughts :eek:.
    You have to clear your mind and follow the simpliest rule of all, that every beginning rebooter knows:
    You have to stop every artificial sexual activity, including sexual fantasy,looking at sexy pics, girls, porn, masturbation and everything that is even slightly connected to it (tinder is lol:D)
    Its not that complicated o_O
  15. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Veev. Thanks for stopping by my journal. You are 100% absolutely right. I know this deep down in my heart. Once you relapse after you reboot, it becomes much harder to go again. Imagine relapsing hundreds of times after your first reboot. You begin to lose hope that you will ever be able to stop. Tell that to a heroin addict. He can just stop, right?

    Like, just stop using. There you go.

    Now you're done. Big deal. Right?

    Well... if it was that easy, even though it's that obvious, people would drop heroin at the drop of a hat, but you don't have people that just stop. They can't. They suffer pain. Withdrawal. And it's so powerful that they will just use to ease the pain.

    I know exactly what you mean. It is very simple, but the brain is fried. Malfunctioning. It needs to repair itself.

    Day 1

    I am not an expert on EMDR so just because I relapsed while claiming it is the magic pill does NOT discredit EMDR. I fully believe it will work. I may not be using it as I should be, so I am doing some more research on the subject. It has helped me to reach nearly 3 weeks and I know I can use it to go all the way and completely stop using porn.

    Here is a video, that I was surprised was an extension of a video I posted earlier.

    It actually talks about cravings and addictions. I am actively seeking the connection between addiction and EMDR. It's leading me in the right direction so far. I like this Dr. Leeds guy. Really cool, smart guy.

  16. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    However, I must disagree with your thought here. I have LEARNED a lot about myself and experienced great things both good, and bad. I have actually developed better habits and am better off than if I hadn't tried.

    Just because I couldn't do it yesterday doesn't mean I can't do it today.
  17. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Just did a session. Feel strong & masculine.
  18. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

  19. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    I've been finding some awesome resources.

    This is actually related to addictions. Turns out I was doing it accurately on my own. The thing that I discovered was that there are more triggers that need to be addressed and targeted. Online dating is a huge trigger for me, but not only that but the sadness from seeing attractive women, trying to connect with them, and being ignored is extremely powerful and overwhelming. It was a huge trigger for me and I did not target it. I only targeted the arousal, and looking at porn online. It explains why I felt so disconnected when I actually saw nudity and had no desire for porn. Porn actually felt strange and I would not even get an erection. Kind of crazy? But that was the outcome. What triggered me was the depression and online dating, and the quick fix for a meetup for sex. Lastly, the frustration from achieving zero results and the excitement from the possibility of having sex with a real girl made me uncomfortable and I sought relief.

    So now that I've written about the experience and found the underlying emotions and triggers I can target the fuck out of them... brb.
  20. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

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