My Journey To Success

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ace1234, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.


    I am very frustrated with my addiction. I have a very tough time getting through the no PMO challenge. I have been researching dopamine levels & of course this lead me to YourBrainOnPorn so I have been aware of the resources. I think myself to be an attractive guy who has had some great experiences with women, but they always seem to be very rare & sparse. I believe, & know, that my relationships have suffered because of my addiction to pornography. I am 22 years old and have been addicted since a young age. I may have survived a sexual trauma, but I am not sure because I do not remember. I know that sexual trauma, though, was in my family and I may have been affected by it.

    I have had some minor success with no PMO. The longest I have gone, that I have recorded, was nearly 21 days, but I can't seem to go further. I want to go further and I believe I can, but am I missing something? I feel so great & confident then, so I know how it tastes, but it takes so long to get there that when I slip up I get so depressed because I don't have the patience to get up and try again. I live by myself, no girlfriend, and have almost zero social life because I spend the time away from the main city. Maybe these are excuses? God, I hope not.

    I will try to keep these posts short, but I feel like I should give the reader a background so they can relate and sort of know my story. Some days I feel that if I had a girl I could fill that intimacy void that drives me to PMO. I put a filter on my PC, K9, but I overrode the password at 14 days. Now I have binged, but enough is enough I say.

    I remember that when I get around 2-3 weeks I seem to get really lazy which eventually leads me to PMO. I hope I can go further this time and finally reach 6 weeks at least, even this will make me happy. It is so tempting when you've abstained so long and feels so good it's easy to lose complete control.

    This is really tough :-\ but I have hope I can finally kick this addiction along with my video game habit which I believe reinforces my PMO. I have a business that I started up a few months ago and it is doing pretty well so I can occupy myself with this and making music, both are related. Do you guys have anything that motivates you each day? I find that this works well for me, but every time I slip I feel the old stuff I was using isn't as effective. Thanks for reading this and I really wish I can man up to this and finally become the man I've always wanted to be: comfortable in his own skin & PMO free.
    MarstonS likes this.
  2. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    So officially this is my day 1 and I feel absolutely terrible today. I missed a funeral where an old lady that I knew had passed away. I had so wished to go to the funeral. In fact I ruined my entire day because I had plans to do things, but because of PMO it is hard to find the courage to face everything, whatever it be. I slept in today out of depression and knowing I had screwed it up already. I had not slept in like that for maybe a month or so. I believe that it was good for me to experience this because I completely forgot that I used to sleep in like that all the time. When I woke up earlier today I felt like I could start the day and I had an hour to prepare before I left for the funeral, but the PMO man that I am went back to bed. At that time I felt tired, but definitely ready to become productive. I miss that feeling and maybe that is why I have been slipping so frequently. I have not been going to bed on time and I have almost no schedule. I need a routine, but I dislike them all at the same time. I need that really tired and exhausted feeling again, because this helps me to stay preoccupied and away from PMO.

    Also, I forgot to mention that I PMO about 4-7 times a month, but this does not include binging.

    So good luck to me this day and if everyone hates me because I am struggling with my addiction then so be it. Which sounds ridiculous so I will be successful today in getting back on track.
  3. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    My Struggle - Day 2

    So here it is now: Day 2. I woke up only after four hours of sleep, but went straight to bed. I contemplated staying up and I was very tired, but knew I could have a good day. I went to bed anyway for another 7 hours making a total of 11 hours of sleep. I don't feel terrible, but I don't feel good sleeping in either. If I am to finally be PMO free I know I need to wake up early regardless if I am tired or not. Today I plan to work on my business and do the things I have been neglecting for over a week or more. Wish me luck. I also realize I am super young and have my whole life ahead of me so this gives me strength to give me 100% in overcoming this.
  4. Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    I just wanted to comment here to give you some encouragement. I don't have the time to make a long post right now, but just know that I'll be checking in on you. Remembering that you're still young is a great motivator. Sometimes I forget it myself. But keep it going man. It looks impossible now, but your goal is one hundred percent achievable. Don't give up.
  5. Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    Ace1234, Trust me, in just a few short days you will be feeling different. We are all here with the same issue, we can all support you and no one here will hate you for it.

    We may fall, we may falter but in the end we get, as long as we have a goal and we stay try to our selves, we will get there in the end!

    The Beatles once sung:

    Do you have a friend you can trust? A friend or family member who is understanding? If you do, perhaps you can tell them all about it, if the are good and true friends they will be caring and supportive and will not judge you. I'm on day 5 and the next time I see my best friend I'm going to tell him about my Porn addiction. I trust him as we talk about our true selves. I often find the people surprise me.

    Good luck, if all else fails, there is always tomorrow :) Did you check out Try reading up and watching the videos, understanding the nature of Porn an Masturbation addiction really helped me understand the problem, it also helped me not to blame my self (well not too much :) as its just an evolutionary survival throwback driving us to behave like this.

    If you need help or advise, though I'm by no means an expert, I'm willing to help wherever I can.

    Good luck to you.
  6. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    My Struggle - Day 5

    Yes I am very familiar with

    Today is day 5 and I feel some strong urges to masturbate and watch porn, or at the very least just look at girls fully clothed, but I know what that will lead to. I feel very bored & hot right now, mostly because my air conditioning is not working. I went to bed early last night, but ended up sleeping for 15 hours or so which is not good. Still struggling with trying to get up on time, but it's tough when you're in a rut like me.
  7. Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    +1 for self control! We are routing for you.

    I'm now on day 8, the last couple of days were not particularly pleasant, things have now started returning to normal.

    Stay strong and be patient, resist the urge and you will start to feel proud of your self for not giving in ;)
  8. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    Hi, Ace!

    Take it easy, relax.
    First 2 weeks were very hard for me.
    Very hard.
    Meditation and exercisises helped me a lot. As well as reading journals and posting my experiences here.
    Try to introduce new habits in your life: meditation, yoga, exercise, dancing, cooking, singing, whatever you enjoy.
    It is very important to realize in the beggining of the process that it is not just quiting porn.
    It is rethinking your life.
    Keep walking!
    Step by step.
    Good luck!
  9. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.


    Thanks for the replies.

    I must make a very lengthy post now.
    It may seem that a broken air conditioner would really suck, but I have found it to be a blessing in disguise. Let me explain, back in June I was on a very strict no PMO challenge and at the time I picked up jogging. Like Pilgrim had suggested, I've also read this somewhere before, we need to start something new at the same time we kick our old habits. By doing this we form new pathways. I was doing very well & jogging frequently. I think I reached a point where I was jogging for 45 minutes straight, no resting every day.

    Then I had a slip & this really killed any and all motivation. I kept up jogging, but after constant slip ups I then stopped jogging. So, back to that air conditioner. Man was it blazing hot today! Right now it is night time and near 1 AM and it is cooler outside than it is inside. In fact, I am typing this outside on my patio because I really cannot stand the heat inside. It was the cooler air that motivated me to go jogging again!!

    Sure I didn't do the full 45 minutes, but I went out and did it, despite having a throbbing headache. It is so easy to jog & I can't believe I have not been doing this. Just running by the houses I used to jog by a month ago reminded me of those positive experiences I felt when I knew I was making a difference in my life. Putting on my running clothes & shoes was harder than running for 10-20 minutes.

    So I had developed the habit of watering my lawn after I jogged before I stopped my routine. Here I was tonight, watering my lawn like before, and I realized this was a great moment to reflect on everything in my life. I am just watering my lawn, no stimulation, no anxiety, nothing, just me, myself, and the lawn. It dawned on me then.

    I had COMPLETELY forgotten what made me slip when I had gone a near three weeks! Video games.

    It was my birthday and my friend bought me a game. So I started to play it and guess what happened? When it came time to go for a jog I stayed inside and kept playing! Then, eventually, came my slip!! Consequently, I stopped watering my lawn.

    So here is the big revelation. Earlier today I was reading about porn stashes. I have all my stashes deleted and I own nothing in physical form. What was huge was the realization that I had a 'game' stash. Tomorrow, I am deleting all of my video games from my laptop. I know that video games can alter the brain in the same way that porn can so I am about to kick that habit as well. This all happened as I was watering the lawn.

    I hope this inspires because after making this decision I feel more at peace with myself.
  10. Re: My Struggle - Day 1

    That's a good decision. Most videogames are a waste of time anyway. You could be spending all that time improving yourself. Keep up the good work, man. Don't give up.
  11. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    My Struggle - Day 6

    Thank you SKQ.

    Day 6

    Today was good, yet I have mixed feelings. I am determined to overcome this, yet I still feel my old self and how he can easily go back to the way things were as if nothing had changed inside of me.

    I spent most of the day out of the house picking up my car, doing some work for my father's business, & grocery shopping. I did nick somebodies car in the parking lot :-\ and was tempted to walk away, but figured I need to turn around and face my problems and not run away from them.

    I figure life is always teaching us lessons. I am accepting what comes my way whether it be good or bad.

    After coming home I took a shower as needed, but had a porn flashback as I was drying myself. It was one of my favorite videos and I became a bit distraught because I very much liked the girl and her personality was very charming. There was a VHS tape for some exercise routine called "Sexy & Fit After 40". I liked the chick's body and wanted to stick it in the VHS player which I did, but it was very boring and I was turned off by an old woman who had grey hair working out in the video. Gross :eek:

    So I am lucky that there was no hot chick, because that would have only escalated.
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.


    So here is day 7.

    I relapsed. I feel a lot of self loathing and depression now.

    It started with me stripping down because of the heat in my house. Then I got an erection, no stimulation. Searched for sexy VHS tapes. I used to look for nude scenes on VHS tapes and DVD's before the internet so it's strange, but understandable that I resorted to a very old habit. I then found a nude scene in a DVD and it was full frontal. It escalated to turning off my filters on my laptop.

    I can't describe how much I hate myself right now.

    All of you will say don't hate yourself man. Please don't. I don't need sympathy.

    I am very much in danger of another relapse right now. I am in danger of binging. I know myself. All I want is this to be over.

    I want a happy life with sun, breeze, the beach, the sound of the waves crashing, seagulls calling, our clothes fluttering in the wind, white smiles on our faces.

    I'm sick of this.

    Please help.
  13. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.


    So I am getting back up again.

    I watched this video and a few others that inspired me.

    One thing that struck me was his attitude. He said, "Just because I can't do this today doesn't mean I can't do it someday."

    I will not give up, but get back up just like him.

  14. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    I have been in a very, very dark place the last week. Things are just not going well. I still haven't kicked the video game addiction and this is my fault. I want to delete the games tonight. I have been relapsing more than usual lately. I am hating everything and everyone. I am thinking about running away and killing myself. One or the other, not both at the same time. I am aware that I have these thoughts, but I know I will never act on them. It's disturbing enough that they are there.

    If I don't overcome this, I just may hit rock bottom, and may never recover. I almost snapped this week and it was excruciatingly painful emotionally. In many ways I hate my life.

    I know that when I overcome this things will be brighter. I will be calmer and more organized. I also know that I will just go with the flow and appreciate the things that I do have. I will be able to to take responsibility for simple, everyday things. I will be more confident and happy. I also know that I will be tired more. I also know that I am going to wake up early & go to bed early.

    This thing just doesn't want to die. I really want to climb out of this dark hole. I feel like I've been stuck here in the same place for quite some time. So much time has passed that the ugliness & nastiness has become comfortable for me to live in.

    I know who the man that I want to be is. He yearns to come out and breathe.
  15. ace1234, I too have been there. I have stared in to to the black void that is futility, felt completely helpless and hated every minute feeling very little to no self-worth! I actually had no help from my family and friends all work colleagues, they didn't actually understand. But I'm now 15 years down the line, and upon reflection it wasn't my friends or colleagues or family who didn't understand, it was me! I just needed to ask for help from someone I trusted.

    I realise now I just need that one special person to understand me, it's all it takes! Very few people have gone through what I had, they seemingly had it easy! They could never have understood exactly what it was like to be so lonely, so socially awkward, to be addicted to PMO, gaming and spending money. I ran up so much debt it was unbelievable. I am now 33 and I am almost fished paying it off :'(

    Even if you don't have that special person who you can tell or trust, you are very lucky in that you have found one of the best support forums for your troubles. I can guarantee you at least one of the guys here has gone through and very similar experience what you're going through now.

    I understand completely about the gaming addiction, I used to get the shakes and I used to scream and shout my family and parents to leave me alone isolate myself in my bedroom for many many years for many many hours a night just playing on my console. It was my life, all my friends at the time were into the same thing so we all had something in common. As they grew older they discovered skateboarding and playing football, I did not enjoy those things so I carried on doing what I was doing and became increasingly more isolated.

    I guess what really helped me change, kick the habit, was that I got into photography. I really wanted to do well in it so I spent a lot of time reading magazines and getting out of the house taking pictures. that kept my mind off from playing computer games. and it's worked! I hardly play games any more (apart from the occasional MMORPG, which does consume my entire life for about 3 weeks at a time :( Until I get bored... ) I seem to get bored very easily with them now. I do have an Xbox but I mainly use it for entertainment/video purposes, whilst yes I do get the latest Halo game and play them to death, thankfully they don't come out very often at all :)

    Perhaps this link will help you:

    I guess the best way to deal with most addictions (if not all?) Is to keep your mind busy on other things. remove yourself from the temptation, the deleting all the games off of your laptop and giving the master discs or files to a friend or family member and ask them not to return them to you under any circumstance would be a massive step forward! It works the same way is deleting off all the Porn off of your computer. it will be a painful experience but at least its the first very big step in the right direction ;)

    Just remember to take each day as it comes.

    Good luck in taking your first step
  16. Getting started is always the worst part of a reboot. It's hard to do. Your relapses should be fairly expected. It gets easier as it goes. I discovered YBOP around this time a year ago. At first, my reboots were very unsuccessful. I would go a week and then relapse. I would go another week and then the pain would be unbearable and I would relapse again. But then I made it to two weeks. And then I finally got to three and after a relapse I could easily go a week without porn. I felt fine. Now, almost a year later and after uncountable relapses, I'm on day seventy-one. I feel great and I have no desire to watch porn or masturbate. I'm getting closer to my female friends at work. I'm finally experiencing all of the benefits that everyone talks about. So trust me, you will get out of this hole you're in. I've said this before to other people and it seems to help them out: you need to see that there is nothing else you can do now but stop PMO and kick this habit. Now that you know how it affects you, there are only two options: quit this shit, or go back to being a full-blown addict. I don't think you want to do that. No one does. That's why we're here. So keep pushing man. Don't give up. You'll make it.
  17. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thank you LongTermAddict & Mighty SQK.

    I think my PMO addiction is stronger than my video game addiction & while I appreciate the recourse it doesn't appeal to me.

    Guys, I want to say that this journal may be full of relapse after relapse and I've come to terms with this today. It's not going to be your perfect no PMO for 90 days on the first or maybe even the 50th try. I will keep posting and updating this. The reason I just mention this was because I had another relapse, but I am not surprised.

    A few days ago I wrote out some strategies and triggers by hand. Inside I know exactly what needs to be done, but I over complicate things. I must not want this as bad as I thought otherwise I would do everything perfectly each day. Then I will have that 90 days I have dreamed about. I don't want to be 50 or even 30 with this addiction. In fact I have a completely different life that I am envisioning for myself.

    I think we all know what we need to do to live a better life, but deep down we don't want to admit it, so we discredit it and say it "can't be that easy" when in reality I believe it is. It can be done.

    Why am I not depressed and despondent right now after my relapse?

    Because I know that that will be a waste of time. I know I screwed up. I know that I didn't follow the guidelines I set for myself. So WHY should I be upset or angry with myself?!? This was my fault and I could have prevented it.

    From now on I am going to take one day at a time. And I say screw that! I will take one hour at a time for now! I am going to lay a brick down perfectly each day and soon enough I will have a wall.

    There is this girl that is incredibly attractive. Perfect smile, boobs, personality! It couldn't get any better! She's told me I am cute, but because of this addiction my head is screwed up and I am not even doing everything that I possibly can to make her my girlfriend! It's messed up!! Here is this beautiful girl and I am just letting her go!!

    I know I can change my life.

    Today I was supposed to go for a test and possible job interview, but because of my life style I missed out on another opportunity!

    Enough!! I know what needs to be done!! I'm done analyzing! I'm done thinking!! I am done dreaming!! I am done hoping!!
    From now on I will be doing!!!

    Because of my own laziness I have missed out in keeping an incredible business partner!! He left me and all that we had hoped in accomplishing together!

    It starts NOW.
  18. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Day 1

    One thing thing that I've noticed is when I continually track my progress I slip less. I have a calendar and I mark every day I go without PMO with a big X, but when I screw up I fill it the entire box in. This has helped me because recently I have stopped tracking my progress out of feeling helpless with this addiction and I have noticed that I slip more frequently when I do not track my progress. Also, my blinds have been down and this seems to encourage PMO. When I went 18 before I remember the blinds were up ALL the time. I made it a particular effort to keep them up. I can't remember why, but eventually I put them down.

    Today is the start of Day 1. Blinds go up. I start dressing every day. No more naked/boxer lounging in the day at the house. Time to make an effort to get up every day and clean up my lifestyle.
  19. Well done! Getting up early makes a big difference, you are not laying around just letting your mind idly wander to the PMO thoughts.

    Good idea about the calendar. I recently did the same, it makes the world of difference, just simply having a physical reference you v
    can just keep going back to whenever you need to.
  20. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    You mentioned that you were making music? Tell me more about that, how hold have you been involved with it?

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