My Journey to a more healthy life-Sex/Porn Addict/ED: 20 years

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Nomadic, May 9, 2015.

  1. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Thanks for clarifying Nomadic. I need to focus on getting these thoughts out of my mind asap!
     
  2. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    1-I'm getting too lax and am MB to online stimulation again. It's a result of procrastination, bad habits, hornyness, missing that thrill of seeking.....I don't know. Yesterday I mb'd to O looking at online pics of nude models. Nothing pornographic but still took a break from work and looked for nude women. It's like the thrill of looking for new material has this draw that I give into every 5-7 days.....at least this month. Yesterday was my first O in probably 5 days. Last night I was still horny. I was hard during foreplay and going down on her. But upon penetration I felt some anxiety about staying hard and was not hard enough to PIV missionary. But went to flat from behind and rubbed on her and got hard for PIV. Lost it after a minute or so and pulled out, rubbed a bit after giving more oral and was able to PIV for a good 5 minutes before O. So all in all pretty good.

    2-My g/f's constant nagging of her 12yr old son is a constant annoyance. He's far from perfect and she's far from a bad mother but her constant nagging of him in a militant tone to do this, do that, do this, do that....eventually ends up in him erupting in frustration and screaming/acting out. This morning I was woken up by his screaming at her. He said she was nagging him from the moment he woke up. Of course her story is different. I feel that she takes her frustrations or whatever out on him. We've discussed this before and she's partly admitted it. But any talk about this stuff ends up with her defensive...."don't tell me how to raise my son..etc". But I can honestly say the way she often (not always) nags him....I would rebel as well. There's so much one can take. I'm not his parent. But never......never.....has he exploded on me. I just think I can interpret feedback.......I don't push/nag b/c I can FEEL what it would be like. I tell him to do something once but never in a militant tone. It's frustrating and I feel distant to her. And I'm still pissed I lost a good hour of needed sleep this morning to his screaming which despite what she (always) says, was ultimately provoked by her and could have been avoided.

    3-It's like my g/f is 2 diff people to me. One minute I'm cuddling and kissing her on the bed and can't get enough of it and feeling totally into her. The next minute I'm frustrated and distant from her as I can't stand the fighting between her and her son half the time. I just hate her strict, militant parenting style when she wants things done......which is often.
    It makes me want to go live alone in PEACE!
     
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I feel your pain. Nude models is actually without a doubt -- porn, or you could call it a porn substitute, whatever the case it IS the addiction. I'm completely sympathetic because I have done the same thing many times, most of us have. It really comes down to not touching your dick and not seeking, if we don't touch our dick porn because pretty boring...at least it does for me. Keep strong.
     
  4. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Indeed as 40 says. Your addiction comes back. Fight it buddy.
    This one taught me some new insights btw in spite of being in the field for quite some time now.
    Easy read.

    http://www.covenanteyes.com/2011/11/14/7-questions-wives-of-porn-addicts-often-ask-part-1-of-3/
     
  5. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    I haven't updated in awhile. I recently had some slips where I PMO'd last month. Not full fledge stuff but definitely engaging in stuff I don't want to be on occasion. Been pretty much back on track and abstaining from MO/PMO again since late last month.

    Things are going well with my relaitonship for the most part. I'm adjusting to things well I think and understanding things better and taking most of it in stride. My sex life has been decent with some ups and downs. About 1-5 attempts or so I can PIV missionary all the way to orgasm. Other times, I limp out right before PIV. Flat from behind I'm usually always good unless I've been MO/PMO'ing. My PA is still there. I'm hard as a rock with clothes on but usually not that way often once naked. I get hard again eventually with some kind of stimulation, her stroking me or me rubbing on her...etc. But for the most part I'm able to have PIV one way or another without ED pills.

    Last week I found out I still has some Stendra left and for some reason I decided to pop a little bit. I guess I was feeling anxious more than normal. Could certainly tell the difference. Hard-on really locked it. Effortless pretty much. But my g/f could tell the difference in a negative way. She said I seem disconnected on that stuff. I notice i feel that way too some. I have less feeling down there. And the side effects were back. Red eyes, congestion. We pretty much agreed to stay away from the drugs.

    I completely through out my back again doing really nothing for the 2nd time this year. I certainly can't run for......who knows? Going to swim hopefully so I can do something. I can still have sex but have to be careful with the thrusting. I'm in a lot of pain/discomfort right now.

    Aside from that, all is pretty good.
     
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Thanks for the update, Nomad. I was wondering how you were doing, glad to hear that you're abstaining after a slip up, once you get some time between you and the slip it gets easier and the benefits come back.

    I had the first overwhelming craving for P today in 10 days, almost cracked. But didn't. Thank Buddha.
     
  7. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    Thanks, 40. Yeah when those cravings come at me like a Tornado....that's when I need to really have a game plan. Right now it's to step away from the computer and go outside. It's nice here weatherwise almost all the time so it's certainly not a hard thing to do. Glad you abstained. ;)
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Thanks, man. Yep you need to somehow interrupt the thought pattern, go outside, get out in public, call someone on the phone...those are tried and true. :)
     
  9. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    I seem to be caught in this rut where every 10 days or so I look at naked women online and MO. It's usually not porn but naked models..etc. Like no matter how hot my g/f is, I crave MORE of hot. More variety to look at it on occasion. I don't binge on it but still I do it and I'd like to never do it.

    At the same time I'm far from my old habits prior to May this year when 30 PMOs were the monthly average. Now I'm averaging about 5. I'm still doing my best to fight it and not do it at all. Because of the fear it will lead to more and more. I don't trust myself even if I have kept it under wraps somewhat so to speak.

    My erections continue to be more reliable with sex at least.
     
  10. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Hi Nomadic, I know the feeling all to well. I still have to fight it on a regular basis. I have that little voice in my head telling me, find some naked women to look at on the computer. Just a few naked women wont hurt.... Maybe it will be fine as long as I don't MO.

    Then luckily I have the other voice kick in and tell me "that's a porn substitute" You've come so far, why give in now.... Don't you see how things are getting better? If you want to see a naked woman, then get an erection and sustain it, then use it when there's a naked woman!

    Fight it Nomadic, you can do it!
     
  11. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That's awesome progress. I definitely still find a lot of non-linearness to things.
     
  12. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Get clean buddy. Take an edging counter if needed. It's a slippery slope. And you have extra accountability to your gf who puts up with your ED. Least you can do is really clean up your act COMPLETELY.
     
  13. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    My performance anxiety was back in a greater degree tonight. It's always there. The last few times we had sex, I did ok. Probably orgasmed 3-4 times in as many days from sex or a BJ. But my erections are never the same naked than when I'm clothed or whenever sex isn't "near" and I don't feel the inner pressure to do it. Basically if I kiss my g/f more than a few minutes ANYWHERE I'm pretty much ALWAYS hard as a rock pretty soon. Sometimes I don't want to kiss too long before bed, b/c I'll have an annoying hard on and I'm too tired or don't necessarily want to have sex........or deal with PA which will fuck up my erection. But when sex is off the table I'm HARD. FOREVER.

    Common example was tonight. We're on the couch watching TV. Kissing as always. Enjoying it. I get rock hard....as ALWAYS. She starts rubbing it. I'm not thinking about sex really. Not exactly craving it. I'm actually deep down frustrated. B/c I know even if we end up having sex and I'm hard enough for it, I won't be hard doing this EXACT same thing in bed naked. But sitting on the couch in shorts. I'm rock hard.....FOREVER.

    I know she wants sex. I don't really. If I trusted my erections and PA, I would but I just didn't feel like it. Of course I'm not even thinking about sex and am hard as a rock on the couch. So we go the bedroom. Of course my erection has already gone down. I rub on her butt to get it hard. I insert for a bit.....end up losing my erection after a minute or so. Why? Anxiety thinking about staying hard of course. I rubbed on her some more and got hard again and of course was ready to come quickly so I went missionary.
    After less than a minute started losing my erection and eventually pulled out.

    We kissed. She yanked on me. The anxiety wouldn't let me get hard no matter how much I tried to relax and enjoy it.
    I almost wish I didn't get hard on the couch at all. Wow look at me Mr. hard-on wearing clothes......only to lead you to the bedroom where that won't be repeated and things will regress.

    This PA drives me nuts and I don't know how I'll get over it sometimes. I know she loves and doesn't "care" that much about my performance. But that kind of thinking never puts me much at ease. B/c deep down she does and it's always akward to lose it. And the 20+ years of this PA stuff is hard-wired pretty much.

    And it's PA for the most part. I'm hard as a rock. FOREVER. ALWAYS when we're fooling around. EXCEPT......when the clothes come off and sex is on the table. Then I usually can GET hard again...and sometimes hold on for sex. But it's always a mental struggle. A disease.
     
  14. Horton

    Horton Member

    Interesting to read this Nomadic - so very different from my experience. I'd still love to be rock hard anywhere, ever. But as I've posted, I feel I have zero PA, as sometimes when I'm most stressed about getting an erection, it comes easily, but other times, it feels like I mentally kill it - and by the same token when I'm relaxed results are also unpredictable.

    Guess I don't have any good advice to help you - for me it seems to be totally random - not related to my anxiety at all. So not sure how to help you with yours :)
     
  15. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    I'm just trying to stay away from my latest habit of pmo or mo once per week. I know when it occurs. Always when I'm at home alone working and procrastinating or stressed. I'm being more aware and vigilant.

    After a major lapse a few days ago, I'm making better choices. I've had sex a few times with my gf. Im focusing more on her and looking at her and staying present. Being in the moment. Just her and I and concentrating on how good everything feels. Not whether I'm hard or not. Whatever happens, happens. I tell my gf this and she is a great sport about all of it and very supportive as always.

    Been able to have pretty good sex as a result.
     
  16. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    I don't know WTF by blockage is. Perhaps I'm feeling more confident and think I can "get away with it".

    But this seems to be a pattern with me. After a lot of sex is when I crave "more of a good thing" and look at nude women online.
    No sex for 5 days or so since I was away. No MO/PMO during that time. I come back bome and my libido is jumpstarted. I've had sex 3 or 4 times in the last few days. My erections are pretty damn good especially after 5 days of nothing.

    And it seems to overstimulate me or something. I want to see more asses..etc.

    Today found a new video.....not pornographic but nude women showing the body part I love the most. Intoxicating and MO to it.

    This seems to happen with me every 8 days or so. Craving get unbearable. And then the cravings are minimal and I stay away for another week or 2.

    Very frustrating. I said to myself...Get up. Leave the room. But the other voice "it's a HUGE world". There are so many asses to enjoy. It won't do that much harm if you don't do that much. It wins out.

    Sigh.
     
  17. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That video is porn to your brain, anything 2D that spikes the sexual circuits is P We can never get away with it, unfortunately.

    I've recently been clamping down on anything 2D; I remember during on reboot a few years ago I disabled all images on my computer through my browser...it was the best progress I ever made.

    P substitutes are the easiest to justify, but it's really just P.

    I'm not disabling all images this time around, but I avert my eyes a lot during the day on my laptop as those images are everywhere.
     
  18. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Nomadic,

    I've followed your blog a little and can't say otherwise, you need a serious transformation in your life towards your gf to make the sexual change you envision possible.

    You seem to think if I just quit PMO or O without gf and only once a week PMO and build that down subtle etc. etc. is going to cause a sufficient change from how you used to experience sexuality.
    I say, your whole attitude towards what you want out of life and in this case your relationship needs to change in order to get the results in the sexual area that you aim for. You need to love that woman beyond the sexuality. Only then, the sexuality issues will dissolve because then they'll be seen for being less important then you now perceive them. If you wish to learn more of this transformation, read Eckhart Tolle's New world or (about communication with your gf about eg her friends and cell phone use) Rosenberg's Non-violent communication.

    More specific about your sexual issues. I'm over 250 days with one or two slips and only now, slowly on, I come in contact deeper and deeper with my 'real' sexual desires with my gf. With real, I mean that the contact I feel during physical contact, has it's roots in her, for who she is, love, seeing her essence in her eyes. No other asses as you write about. Men, there's always more asses. Even if you have a harem of 100 women, THEY WILL NOT SATISFY YOU EVER! Only for short sedated moments. After which you'll want more, more and after that some more.
    Out of love, the sexual desire felt is so much purer, more alive, non-attached from performance issues etc. I know our union is beyond our sexual intercourse. Of course sex and performance in that area is still important and in a way I already knew early on that our commitment goes beyond sex, but only now, it's starting to sink in. And that's likely only the beginning. So much more to be discovered.
    These days, I rarely have to deal with urges to 'get off' (as you describe so well) just to get off. And each time making love requires to be really connected and have the sexual urges always being an expression of this. Never the other way around. And of course sex for the sex is ok, but I know by now that most people (also women) are sexually damaged at our age in a way that makes sex for sex in a clean way not easily possible.

    So my advice to you is in order to make your relationship really work, find the roots that made you go for porn in the first place. Is your therapist of any help? Your pain goes way further than simply the lack of a woman to love. You can see that now btw now you HAVE a woman you love. Still the cravings to escape continue.
    And second (if the first is to big), really, stay away completely from MO, O and pictures in your head of other women. A good relationship can survive low libido. Even flatline for a while. And in your case, you're not as sorry sobby as some others at this forum are… A good relationship cannot have you cheating in your head with other women. Only a bad one might. And the pictures in the head and internet escapes will only get worse over time. And I tell you, it will not lead to happiness. That much I know for sure.

    Take care, keep us updated.
     
  19. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    Thanks Arizona. I'm trying to stay away. I do love my g/f far beyond the sexuality part. At the same time, I'm me. I've always had a dichotomy in my brain between love and sex. I've always been able to compartmentalize it. I can love her and kiss her with all the affection and meaing in my brain and heart. The addictive side of me will crave the objectifying female sex objects the next day. It's a separate turn-on entirely. Separate from love and relationships.

    I've given up trying to figure out the "why" of it. I chalk it up to bad habits starting long long ago. I would seek out sex and porn when I was feeling frustrated, bored, or as a reward for doing good. For all sorts of reasons. My most productive and prolific running years as far as races/training/performance were when I was PMO'ing the most. Conditioned behavior, bad habits ingrained in my life.

    I'll probably never be one to get so "deep into my relationship" where it will completely take the place of my urges. I love my g/f but relationships to me are always up and down and deep down.....hate to say it......I think all women are a bit nuts. My g/f included. But I accept that and love her all the same for her good qualities.

    I just know I'm an addict and need to have exit plans as I do not want to cheat with other women in my head or online.

    Thanks for the input.
     
  20. 9thlife

    9thlife Member

    Nomadic, I relate well to your journal. Skimmed some before heading out to work, but looking forward to reading more of your journal this weekend. I can relate to the anxiety of physical sex with a partner and reliance on ED pills. Have not been in an intimate relationship in a while, but when I was, I could only perform while thinking of certain porn scenes and never really was aware of the intimacy side of it. Thanks for sharing.
     

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