My Journey Starts (Again)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by vasicek, Sep 9, 2020.

  1. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    \\\\ Day 3 \\\\

    I am starting this journal to record my journey towards no PMO. Want to start with a 90 day challenge first. I am on day 3 and know that this is where it starts getting tough. Had started this journey a couple of times in the past but the best was a 30 day streak.
    But this time I really want to be accountable and am committing to posting here every day.
    So day 3 it is and I have not been challenged much. Been busy with work, gym etc. But weekend looms and so does day 5, my most vulnerable period when starting any streak.

    Evening time, idle brain. I am entering the high risk zone. I realize that PMO is so alluring a a time filler. So much time goes up in edging without you knowing about it. But I am going to fight it.
    I am going out , gym, shop does not matter. But I am not staying at home.

    Ok getting close to bedtime. Usually a risky time but only when I am not able to sleep and don’t have my bedtime reading sorted out. I read quite a lot and this usually when I am in the middle of a book I am enjoying I never have PMO issues. It is only when I am kind of at a loss on what to read and get frustrated and not able to sleep that PMO presents itself.

    Well !! today I have something to read. So Mr PMO, please take a walk. Goodnight and ....

    Let’s meet for round 4 tomorrow !!!!

    \\\\Day 4 \\\\

    So day 4 it is and it has started well. This is an important day as this is when the build up of unreleased sexual energy starts to itch. Oh and also I am on leave today. So it means lots of free time. Need to have a plan

    Btw, something interesting happened yesterday. It was the evening and my wife wanted me to take her shopping. Well I was glad to have something to occupy me and agreed at once. I am very very finicky about being punctual and my wife, well is not. So as we were preparing to go out she was taking a long time getting ready and I got irritated and words were exchanged.
    Now here is where it gets interesting. Part of my brain was telling me to make this a big issue and an excuse not to go out with her so that I could be at home alone and do all the PMO I wanted.
    This insidious thought was scary and luckily I saw it coming and like any good husband decided to back off and hand the argument to my wife. Well the evening ended well ....

    Ok today it is gym time to start the day with .... i want to tire myself out so much that PMO would be last thing on my mind.
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2020
    positivef likes this.
  2. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's great that you are journaling your progress. It sounds like you have got a plan in place to deal with times you are vulnerable. Good luck!
  3. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Thanks, need all the support to get through the coming 90 days
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not


    We're here to support you, vasicek! First, we're gonna get to 5 days.

    What kind of stuff do you like to read?
  5. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Vasicek,

    Welcome the forum.

    It’s good to have the sense of accountability of posting here, it’s certainly made a difference for me.

    It is also good that you aware of when your vulnerable period is. In the past, what has caused you to act out during this period? Have there been any specific triggers that you can look out for this time around?
  6. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Thanks for your support. Yes day 5 is the first hurdle.

    I read a whole range of fiction and non-fiction. Big fan of Terry Pratchett. Right now I am reading books by the Japanese author Keisho Higashino. I start an author, I get hooked and read everything he has written.
    Just wondering if it is an indicator of an inherently addictive personality inside me ...
    positivef likes this.
  7. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Typically is it a picture or a thought from the past which starts as a germ. I am aware of it and part of me knows there it is going to end... There is many times where I successfully manage to douse it. But other times it becomes a blazing inferno beyond my control and the inevitable happens.

    thanks for your support.
  8. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Where does this happen?
    When does it happen?
    Does it tend to happen in the same place at the same time?
    If so, knowing when you're vulnerable lets you either avoid that situation, or even just saying to yourself
    makes you less likely to be caught off-guard.

    If you like Terry Pratchett, you might like a book called Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. It's a massive tome (good for long-term recovery, haha) but it's got some good stuff about quitting.

    Anyway, good luck today!
    positivef likes this.
  9. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Thanks Apeman, for checking out. Ok so far so good today. I will be surely buy Infinite Jest. Seems interesting.

    The triggers happen typically in the mornings. I am an early morning 5 AM person and my entire family wakes up around 9. So you can imagine, early morning I wake up, have my coffee, browse through news, generally feeling contented and the pricking begins !!! Being the only soul awake in the house makes it a particular vulnerable time.

    I have included solving cryptic crosswords ( not the monster ones but sort of intermediate level, nice app called crossword genius if you are interested), doing 30 pushups and going for a stroll to my morning routine.

    But still sometimes after doing all this also the itch remains .....

    I totally understand your advice and thank you for that. Will remain more and more vigilant !!! That’s the only way....
    positivef likes this.
  10. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Day 1/Attempt 2

    Well as you can see I am back to day 1. Had a relapse yesterday in the afternoon. Everything was going well and then all of a sudden I was looking at some book excerpts in Kindle and so trigger words hit me. I mean it was small at start and I should have killed it right there but I got cocky and decided to take it a bit further just as a test of my will power.
    Well we all know what happens next, had my arse taken by PMO and ended up with 2 sessions. It it scary how your mind clouds over when you are edging.

    I felt bad after session 1 and what I feel worse about now is that I did session 2. It was kind of “ they can hang you only once “ logic that my brain gave me

    anyways I reset my counter and am starting again. Day 4-5 seems to be the immediate target. This time I will make it
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2020
  11. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Good comment Apeman. It’s good to get as specific as possible.
  12. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Day 2/Attempt 2

    ok managed to get through Day 1. The good thing is that I managed to get back on track one day after failing. Normally once I fail I have at least a 4 day binge cycle. But this time, to a large because of the journaling, I got back immediately

    Day 2 is a busy day so hopefully should not have periods of lull. Evening can be a bit tricky but will hit gym around 6.

    Evening of Day 2, not really had any major issues. Was busy on work, did 45 mins gym routine, listened to audio book on my post dinner walk and now getting ready to sleep...

    Will wake up at 5 tomorrow and start Day 3 on positive note... goodnight all
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2020
  13. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Ok, here is an interesting trigger that happened yesterday. My fetish is femdom particularly muscular women and CrossFit girls. I was reading Infinite Jest (btw thanks to Apeman for suggesting, it is an interesting book). Suddenly there is this scene where a wimpy guy encounters a huge jock type woman tennis player and she takes a fancy for him. My brain lit up. Strong woman + wimpy guy = femdom, so can we just have a little peak?

    well I was able to pull through this time. But then that’s the issue. The triggers are so common ( CrossFit girls galore!!!) I really have to retreat to a mountain cave I feel...

    any advice would be useful ...
    positivef likes this.
  14. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    We can not retreat to the mountain cave unless we radically change our lives in ways we probably don't want to - ie. no internet, no literature.

    You did the right thing. You felt the urge, maybe lingering too long but then moved on. Your brain will get better at rejecting the urge the more often you do so. I'm not saying surround yourself with triggers, but that they are bound to crop up.
  15. vasicek

    vasicek New Member

    Day 3/Attempt 2

    Ok starting Day 3. Slight urges in the morning but successfully negotiated. Today seems pretty packed. Most importantly the afternoons. So hopefully should be able to go through

    will be back towards evening with status.
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