My Journey is a little bit different - Please, don't judge me for this. (25y)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by duabessor, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. duabessor

    duabessor New Member

    First of all, i want to thank you for being part of this. The fact that you are reading this, or took the few minutes to register on the forums to answer to a post you resonate so much with, makes me think that we humans are meant to work as communities, and the help that we get from each others stories and lessons hits so hard when you read around here.

    I started watching porn as many of you who are reading this as soon as i had access to the internet and a little bit of privacy. This was around age 10, so i've been squeezing the hen for 15 years.

    During all this time, i never had a girlfriend, ever. I struggled with having contact with women, because of insecurities that i never fully understood until now, maybe thinking i was too good for anyone, aka being a fucking retard who deep beneath is not confident with himself. (I am definitely not a weirdo, and i am pretty above average looking)

    At the age of 17, as a result of my insecurities getting physical with women, I decided to break that with a prostitute. This was my first time having sex, and looking back now, I'm thankful I have done that, but not proud at the same time, you will see why later on..

    Little did i know that i would get HOOKED to prostitutes... but first let me tell you about how the first time went:

    I recall having a decent erection, strong enough to put a condom, but it was already not 100% firm, possibly because by that point i had already used a lot of porn. She made me O, but it was not during sex, it was during a bj with a lot of stimulation, and it really took almost the whole hour (And she was a fucking professional doing this, i was also relaxed, not much anxiety)
    You can imagine, at this age, i didn't notice there was something wrong with my sexual functionality at all.


    After this first experience, i literally got addicted to that, and i probably went to another 30~ different hookers during 1 year. Never stopping using tons of PMO. I started to very slowly realize that i was not having normal sex by myself.
    The very first symptom i was presenting was delayed ejaculation (To a point even hookers would comment it. Once, some other hooker accidentally joined our room, and the one i was with said "this guy takes a lot to finish", trying to boost my ego i believe). My ed was probably at a strength of around 70% for what would be normal. My libido was NON-EXISTANT, AT ALL, I WOULD NEVER EVER GET HORNY TO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, NOT EVEN PORN, i could only get erections through physical stimulation, i think during these years i never got an erection without touching myself, from anything, never.
    I would lie to you if i make absolute affirmations about morning wood, but i'm very possitive i stopped having these along the following years (completely).

    After that one year of madness, i started to focus a lot on my work. For the next 4 years i only very ocasionally went to hookers (only the ones i had good chemistry with, and they were always the same, not more than 5 times in these years) but i was not addicted to that anymore. I also gained around 50kG (100lbs) of weight, going from 75KG to 125KG (obese type 2)

    During these years, the only thing i did related to sex was to study theory on what i "should" do with women, just watching tons of it without executing any of those things, but believe me i've learned a lot of theory. I don't mean to go into a lot of detail on this, unless i see some interest from people.

    I would masturbate around 1-3 times a day, everyday, with hardcore porn (i was attracted to rough stuff and certain dynamics, but nothing TOO fucked up), watching a lot of different videos (semi-edging, just trying to make it long so it would feel better), sometimes for hours and hours. There were very very few days i didn't PMO at least once when i went to bed.

    I can't say i was addicted, but it certainly was a mechanism i had everytime i was stressed from work, same as eating a lot.

    ---

    So the thought process on my brain at this point i guess was something on the lines of "this dysfunctionality must have to do with PMO and with my 50kgs of extra weight. I started losing weight, after trying to diet for 3 years i finally found out what worked for me, and cut my addictions to food. And also, started reading a bit more about PIED, etc, even thought i was still not bought in completely, i reduced my porn intake to about a half of what i was doing, started to experiment with going longer without masturbating, started to experiment with no PMO, but i never did these "hardcore 100 days no masturbation or sex at all")

    Now, take a sedentary guy, with all this mess described above, and try to make him have sex with a normal woman. Impossible right?... Well, kinda.
    At the age of 23, i started seeing a girl. The first time i met her, we went to her house, and tried to have sex, couldn't get it up for long enough at all. But she was extremely into me.. So i kept going a lot of times to visit her. By this time, i had already discovered nofap first (which at the time i considered to be a bit to religious for my taste, with all these superpowers and rules i did not like) but i very slowly started to put into my brain the idea of "masturbation is fucking me up".
    So, after i'd say, trying to have sex with condoms with this girl for 5 times without sucess, we eventually made it when she started taking BC pills and we went rough. At first it was really bad, soft erections, would usually lose it, etc. After many months of having sex at least once a week, it eventually improved a bit. (I still pmod during this whole time, less frequently thought)
    Still, delayed ejaculation (would never ever come from sex, only from my own hand, not even bjs), almost non existant libido thought it might have improved a bit. Morning woods non-existant for sure.

    So, after we broke up with this girl, i went for a while without sex, started to pmo with the same frequency as before, but still working on myself, my fitness, etc.



    ----


    Fast forward, during the start of this pandemic, i lost all the weight, got fit again, started working out, and this boosted my confidence a lot to finally start doing what a man has to do: Get pus**.

    I knew a lot about how i was supposed to do it from countless hours of study on these topics. So i started with online dating, let me briefly tell you how it went:

    Dated a girl from tinder, we had a good time, brought her home, she was so lovely and sexy, and willing to have sex with me openly..

    I dissapointed her really bad, i could not fuck her properly, i got very soft a few seconds after going inside her, it took me a lot to get an erection, sex was just really bad. I tried to play it cool, and when i messaged her she replied very sweet but harsh at the same time "there was not enough chemistry", she said, i am very thankful for her answer, because it made me get serious about no PMO.

    I felt pretty bad about this, the impotence was really annoying, having a perfect date, with a girl i liked, she liked me back, it would have been a perfect fuckbuddy relationship for a while, and just because of my stupid porn problem, it wasn't.
    So i discovered YBOP, more profoundly, and started to read tons of stories like the one i am writing. Dude i felt so fucking relieved, i felt so much like i was every-one of those guys writing these stories, i felt so safe just by knowing that many people has the same thing as i do, and i haven't been bornt with some weird condition. It gave me faith.

    I did not give up on the dating thought, it set me back quite a bit, but i am so willing to get my game on point that i kept going.
    Second date i bought cialis, i was not willing to dissapoint. With it, my erections worked, but its like a fake feeling, you need to touch it for it to work, still gets the job done, and boosts my confidence, but my libido was non existant at all, i did not feel good sensations while having sex, just like a fucking machine or a robot.

    During these times, as i educated myself more and more on YBOP, i stopped PMO, and even masturbation completely. I decided that my only way to orgasm would be with women.
    Got laid with around 20 different women within 90 days, only relapsed to PMO once or twice during a few days, always working on improving my fitness overall during this time as well.

    - Slowly, i started to regain firstly my libido, i started to feel something i never felt before while kissing a woman, something down there and over my whole body, it's an experience i never had,
    still nothing as crazy as you might think, but from 0 to something believe me you can tell.

    - Morning woods came back. At first it was non linear, like everybody experiences, i would have 1 day out of 5 and with very soft erections. Now i am having them almost everyday, and the
    erections are way firmer.

    - During these 20 encounters, i was able to come inside a condom with a non-hooker for the first time in my life. (It was probably related to it being pretty rough thought)

    - I feel way less anxiety, and i probably have more testosterone overall, the size of my balls seems to be bigger than a couple years ago. This might be because of being with different women too, i would have to get tested.



    ---

    As a last experience about myself, yesterday i had a date with a woman 20 years older than me a couple days ago, a pretty attractive milf. We had really kinky sex on a public place, i had not taken cialis for more than 36h at that time. I was REALLY, FUCKING, HARD, and we had sex without condoms, she let me O inside her, and i came pretty fast which is a miracle for my usual DE (Just please don't be judgemental, you can tell i am a bit fucked up)
    It was the best sexual experience of my whole life, which made me come and share my whole story with you guys today.

    I am really seeing the results, i am very possitive that my rewiring the way i am doing it is working pretty well, my brain started to associate being with women with having orgasms, and i can get an erection from touching/cuddling/kissing, which seemed to be absolutely impossible a while ago, let alone feeling sensations while having sex, never happened.
    I also feel this is improving day to day, and at some point i am going to have the best sex without needing any kind of ed drugs and their annoying secondary effects.

    I have faith, i will remain without PMO forever, honestly i think it would be hard without having sex thought.



    Personal conclusion: I think for a case as mine, a real recovery would take maybe around 1 year, or even more, based on what i have seen on other journals. I believe the way i am rewiring through dating is helping me speed up the process, since it is always a pattern of having to earn something for an awaited result, and not being always with the same person it makes me think is even better for some reason i can't exactly describe, maybe the winning effect, or a testosterone boost and the cycle being repeated over and over, getting more and hotter women as i feel more and more sexy and experienced. I can't tell thought if instead of doing this, would have been better to just go hardcore for 6 months without PMO, or O of any kinds, but the way i am doing it guarentees me i am happy during the whole process, which is something i see a lot of people here struggle with.
    I will continue with this journey and come back to update my situation as i left ed drugs completely. I also have way more random stuff that happened i couldn't find logical explanations to, but i don't mean to make this longer than it is.

    I am really thankful for each and everyone of you who posted your own stories, it really helped me a lot, and it gives me a lot of faith.
     
  2. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    I'm so fucking happy for you man! Congrats!
    Can't wait till I can share a success story like this.

    Quick question, how did you know when you were ready to try and have sex again?
     

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