My journey in finding self-acceptance and inner peace

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Freedom from Servitude, Mar 7, 2014.

  1. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Day 0

    I have had first hand experience of how negatively a relapse can affect you after a period of abstinence. My sleep quality was poor last night, but more to my frustration, I have been burdened with brain fog and mild headaches. My concentration is notably poorer. Generally, I can describe my mind as being stuck in a slower gear. All this made me vulnerable to temptation in the afternoon just now, so that I opened up a search engine and pleasured myself over a series of images before reaching orgasm quickly. It was triggered by a provocative youtube thumbnail.

    Maybe, part of the reason why I PMO'ed again today was because, despite feeling a lot worse than the past few days, I attempted to stick to the same 9-5 routine. I need to be flexible in my approach, so that when I face difficult days like this one, I should go easy on the workload to allow myself time to pick up again.

    Anyway, these are all vital lessons to be learned which can be used to move forward. This addiction is nothing less than vicious and I determined to devote my heart and soul to fighting it.
  2. Mr J

    Mr J Guest

    Try not to be too hard on yourself, your response to your slip up is admirable and also I totally understand how one slip up and easily and subconsciously rationalise more use.

    If it helps you personally to take it slow for the first stage then do it, build yourself up slowly again. It seems a lot to demand going straight back into your long successful days straight after a long binge, I know that feeling.

    At the start it seems especially hard to get going; to get momentum, but once you've got your momentum again you'll be well on your way to success I have 130% faith :)

    Mr J
  3. Evonewmexico

    Evonewmexico New Member

    Hey man,

    Sorry to hear about your relapse but like you said they allow you to realize gaps in strategy! The horniness after week 3 is pretty crazy. That was exactly when I relapsed on my longest run. I think I will try and fix that gap by really expecting the horniness and try to prepare for it. That way I wount be blindsided by a crazy horny PMO craving. I will be ready!

    Anyway sending good vibes to you man. You certainly helped me in this past week and I would like to do the same for you. We can hold each other accountable.
  4. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Thanks a lot, Evonewmexico. Having first hand experience at least allows me to prepare for another encounter in the future. I will have gotten through a sizeable portion of my workload by the next time I reach week 3, so will be in a more flexible position to act. I am planning at that stage to spend as less time by the computer as possible. Actually, I had prepared for a scenario like that long before, the problem was that I was reluctant to carry out my ideas when it really mattered.

    Day 1

    The depression and anxiety have been prevalent throughout, although I am pleased that I managed to make it through a day without binging.

    The impact of this relapse on my concentration and energy levels has been dramatic. Today I have struggled to complete in the space of an afternoon what I would have done within an hour a couple of days ago. Generally the brain fog makes it arduous to engage in conversation and me easily distracted. In one respect, this makes my fall difficult to accept, on the other it acts as a source of motivation for me to keep moving forward. This addiction is holding back my potential- imagine the person that I could become once I overthrow it?

    I have been working to maintain a balance in my attitude between acceptance and patience on the one hand and a desire for change on the other. I believe mindful awareness is the key to this. When I feel that pulsating irritability, I observe with kindness that this is a consequence of my actions, but like with all things, they will fade with time and be replaced with others.
  5. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    By the way, I would be grateful if you could give me some advice on dealing with those intense cravings.
  6. Evonewmexico

    Evonewmexico New Member


    Yeah those intense cravings are what gets yah. I dont think there is a perfect strategy for dealing with them honestly. I think for the both of us it will come from our daily dedication. Making the decision down to your core that this is something you want to clear our of your life. You know when you are angry with someone and they are on your mind a lot? Its only hurting you and doing nothing to alleviate the anger. I think that same thinking can be applied here too. The more time you allow girls, PMO, etc to be on your mind, the harder it will be. This has been a tough mindset for me to get back into but writing this out I think will help get into that mindset again. That mindset where as soon as a fantasy comes to mind, there is a red flag that says look for something else to occupy. Getting the cravings out before they can build momentum I think is a great way to deal with the intense cravings. It just takes dedication and resolve. But much less strength and resolve that stopping once the ideas are gaining power.

    Also, the thought that I will never look at porn again for the rest of my life is a little scary too. Porn is comfortable and offers a false sense of security; stopping means exposing yourself.
  7. Mr J

    Mr J Guest

    "This addiction is holding back my potential- imagine the person that I could become once I overthrow it?" This. 7
    What an inspirational thought for anyone on this forum.

    Sounds like your brain is giving you a tough time right now, but you're dealing with it well with mindfulness.

    Keep on rolling man, you've been a great support to me on my journey and I hope I can do the same for you.

    Stay happy :)

    Mr J
  8. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Day 0

    It has been another difficult day. I managed to successfully keep the cravings at bay all morning, but one flashback had the effect of triggering the same intense cravings that resulted in me relapsing the other day. So, what were the gaps in my strategy? I simply hesitated. I knew that in order to escape temptation completely I had to get out of the house, the problem was that it was pouring it down outside, and it was during those brief moments of indecision that I became a puppet to the limbic brain. The lesson to be learned: I must act without hesitation. It doesn't matter if its raining outside any where is better than pleasuring myself and perpetuating my banishment to the prison I have constructed for myself.
    Merton likes this.
  9. 3 Days

    3 Days New Member

    Yo man don't get to mad at yourself, just know that the first week will be tough with cravings and to keep looking forward when cravings hit. After a while the cravings get less and less dude so just hang in there. Also don't obsess too much on this whole no PMO thing i know we all sound like a broken record giving the same advice but its true. Try and get out of your comfort zone or something it'll make you feel better about yourself.
  10. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    hey, I've been reading through posts and saw that you relapsed recently. You seem very analytical and seem to know where you go wrong ever time. That's a good start. quitting is hard and takes a very long time. Ive been at it for more than a year now and hopefully this is the last time I have to try. Keep at it and youll get the momentum you need!!
  11. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Thanks guys for the support.

    Day 0

    I have fallen to a low that I have not seen in a very long time. I binged for the whole afternoon.

    There is something else that I have missed where I feel I am going wrong. That is a lack of a balance in life. With deadlines to meet recently I have just been pushing myself, so that I am not getting enough of the enjoyment to be had in a normal life without porn. In other words, my brain is not getting enough dopamine from natural sources of enjoyment because my work has taken over. The little satisfaction that I usually get from work is non existent at the moment due to poor energy levels and painstakingly slow progress. At the moment fortunately, I have made enough without having to worry about meeting my deadlines, but I just need more pleasure from positive and constructive activities.

    There is no coincidence that over my Easter break I was able to sustain the longest reboot period I have achieved in a while. Although, I was busy working both for university and my part-time job, there was also a lot of play involved where I greatly enjoyed the company of my family and seeing friends. When I returned to university last week, I was able to keep going because I was pleased with the progress that I was making with the new found energy and concentration- naturally there was a drop in both when I relapsed for the first time this week. I am spending a lot of time alone in my room working at the moment, my happiness levels have consequently significantly dropped i n the last week or so since the new term has begun. So, here is my plan of action, I am going to go easy on the workload a bit and allow more time to do the things I really enjoy- this will serve to remind myself psychologically and physiologically why life is so much better without porn. In addition, I will incorporate specific recreational activities into my daily schedules in order to make sure that I carry them out.

    On a more positive note, I am approaching the end time zone of some of my habits, which I have been persistent with for a while now, including writing daily entries in this journal. Next week I am planning to build a jogging routine, which I am very much looking forward to.
  12. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Day 1

    I tried the changes proposed in my previous entry, and I really think that they have helped. There were no cravings at all. In addition, I have allowed time again for personal development reading and taking on board rebooting advice. When I first devised my morning schedule, I followed this through for some time, but as I came closer to the deadlines, I felt that allowing an extra hour while I am fresh to do some work would boost my productivity. I now appreciate that this crucial growth reading is intrinsic to the success of my reboot and therefore safeguarding my productivity.
  13. Mr J

    Mr J Guest

    It's awesome how well you break down your slip ups and make changes to improve and improve.
    This is difficult but we will beat it together man!

    Are you going to be jogging outside or in a gym setting? :)

    Mr J
  14. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi, Mr.J. Nice to see that you are still on top of things. It is quite difficult to retain control and prevent a chain of binges after the initial relapse.

    I am going to jog outside- I can't afford a gym membership unfortunately, although even if I could, I doubt that I would get my money's worth in terms of use.

    Day 2

    There have been signs of depression and anxiety, but also a deeper source of contentment knowing that I am acting in my best interest. There have been no cravings to report.

    I have really pushed myself today to get on with my assignment, despite the low energy levels. The late night I had did not help, but it was important for my growth. I went beyond my comfort zone last night and got involved with a social gathering with my housemates.

    I am generally pleased with the progress made on my work. I am finding it difficult; nevertheless, to accept my work pace as it is in the faith that it will improve when I get further into the reboot.
  15. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Freedom, I'm sorry to hear about your recent relapse.

    I appreciate the detail you give about your experiences and it gave me some impressions. I'm not qualified to give any advice nor am I saying my advice is correct, but maybe something I say can help you out. First thing that struck me was that I see you've got a lot of plans on living a healthier and fuller life. This is great and I think life shouldn't be wasted but would it be possible that your taking on too many at the same time. I might think that your trying to force too many life changes before really seeing if you can habitually sustain them. Before I add anything to my life I try to see how I would feel about doing something 3 or 4 months down the line instead of saying screw it I'll do it no matter what. I've heard a great quote about life which is "Life is a marathon, not a sprint". I'm probably the same way you are where I want everything done now and not wait for the results, and I've had to go back to this quote a lot of times.

    In your more recent post I saw that you were tackling allot of issues involving chemical imbalances in your body and lack of dopamine. Have you thought about maybe taking some supplements for the beginning of your reboot just to help you wean off the effects? I know sometimes dopamine or serotonin supplements can help you feel a little more balanced when your body's off.

    Stay strong and good luck, also I apologize if I said anything wrong.
  16. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi lost trainer, I greatly appreciate any advice, thank you.

    If you read my early journal entries, I came to the conclusion that one of my first major relapses reported here was due to me introducing too many changes too fast. Since then I have been pursuing lifestyle change at a much slower pace. I was pushing myself too far with exercise, going from doing little to jogging, yoga and strength training alongside other lifestyle changes such as getting up at 6.00 am. The only exercise I am getting at the moment is my morning yoga routine and the occasional walk. As I'm approaching towards the end of some of my habits thresholds, including waking up at the same time and introducing a consistent morning schedule, I plan to up the game by taking up jogging again this week. As I stand at the moment, my willpower is not that pushed, though as I have reported I need more relaxation in my work schedule at the moment to top it up.

    I have not tried any supplements, but I wrote of my dopamine levels to make sense of why I was relapsing. Essentially, I need to fill my life with more productive and naturally rewarding activities to bridge the void that porn has left. It is the journey that we all have to make to re-acclimatise to normality. I feel that this is the best way to get that balance.
  17. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Day 3

    First target reached. Again, mild symptoms of anxiety and depression have been persistent, but there have been no cravings.

    I have managed to maintain focus on my work throughout the day and will be in a comfortable position to hand in my assignment on time tomorrow. I am still concerned that I am overworking, but I know that I can slow down after the deadline has been met.

    Next target: 7 days.
  18. Mr J

    Mr J Guest

    First goal reached, now moving on stronger :)
    I like your approach to slowing down changes, I find it a little overwhelming in the first few days as my brain sorts itself out a bit to try and revolutionise my life. This seems like a blow when you relapse as well because you get a roll with it all.

    Stay happy man

    Mr J
  19. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Day 4

    There have been signs of anxiety and depression again, but it is difficult to tell whether this is porn related. I have been working myself hard a lot recently to meet a deadline. I am pleased to write that I managed to hand in my work. It is when you feel pushed that you appreciate the impact of this addiction on your energy levels. Despite having the emotional equivalent of a ton of bricks on me, progress has been relatively slow. I am convinced that had I not relapsed last time my work pace would have been so much faster. Nevertheless I am pleased that I managed to keep on going in the face of adversity.

    As I have a little while before my next deadlines, it is important that I take some time out to relax in order to prevent all of my efforts from crashing down. I will begin by going to the Buddhist sangha tonight.
  20. Evonewmexico

    Evonewmexico New Member

    Hey dude! Keep it up! Day 4 already!

    How was the Buddhist sangha? I just posted this link on Mr J's journal but I thought you might enjoy it too. Its a book called the power of now and previously changed my life. I cant believe I forgot about it during this no PMO struggle. I would highly recommend it or at least the first little bit starting on page 11. The introduction is worth reading too. I gave a little bit of a description on Mr J's journal if you feel like reading it.

    Again stay strong man. You have it in you!!

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