My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MitchConners, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    How was the vacation?
     
  2. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I have been bad for a long time now . There is a serious emptiness or a monster comes that needs to be quieted. I am just really a sad person and don't have enjoyment in life. In one instance I like being alone but another loneliness gets to me. I am home alone watching college football fun myself. I wish I was out there watching college football. The monsters come out when I am alone and I absolutely hate it
     
  3. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have been in a deep depression for a couple of months. Even though I want to sleep I always have enough energy to look at porn and fap. Reading out porn kills your motivation make me realize how it is possible that it is morning when I goals for myself. I am lazy and have gained a ton of weight. Well over 300 pounds now. I am isolated and angry. I don’t really get a whole lot of joy in life. I may get a rush here and there if I am “on”. I feel like a useless blob. I have to stop this, I can stop this, I have to remind myself why.
     
  4. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I am married. I am hear a lot of guys say they can have great sex lives with their wives. My wife would have to raise her belly that covers her genitals. She is a pretty woman besides the weight. I just wonder what it would be like to have a realitively normal weight wife and how I would react.
     
  5. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Wife went to a Magic Mike show last night. She said she didn’t pay for a dance and get an orgasm like the two girls she went with because she respects me. I thought to myself go ahead what do I care. So she is out of town and I actually had time free. I usually maybe shop for groceries or waste time on the internet. I went to a bar by myself, had a few drinks and watched football at about 3 pm. I picked up my daughter from a birthday party and the girls Mom was such a nice southern milf. I swear if I felt better about myself I would be looking for something because I am not getting anything here. I am a loner but I thought why don’t u ask a friend to meet me down at the bar. This guy usually texts back within 5 seconds and he didn’t text me back at all. I need friends. Texted a neighbor who is cool and we get along. Asked about coming down to watch Clemson Miami game tonight. Said let me check the wife, checked in and no answer still. My wife says I have to make the effort. I want to but I could really use some social interaction besides doing the laundry. I have read a piece on addiction concerning mice. If they were isolated they would consume heroin laced water until they were dead. When the mice had each other and could have fun no one touched the water. It is sad. Even as a kid I remember being gun shy with kids in my neighborhood. I turned into a hermit and just had a lot of shame when ai was held back a grade. I kept to myself for months or years. I remember once when I dared go to a old friends house I felt so exhilarated. I came home happy and my parents were so happy that I was finally happy and giddy. I used to be happy. Now after being out of work for the last 14 years as a homemaker I am living that isolation I had when I was out back a grade. I know when I do hang out with someone who I enjoy I feel great that night and even the next day. If I am going to be successful here I need something besides me and the internet.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Been there, done that, got caught, isn't worth it. ha ha :) The grass always looks greener and all that. I hear your frustration, bro'. It's easy to wish that the scenario we find ourselves in was different. I know I did and basically wished away most of my adult life. Like you, my wife was in charge, too. She wore the pants and no amount of me hoping life was different ever changed that.

    You say your wife is fat and that is unattractive to you, but isn't it possible that you are unattractive to yourself? We reflect back how we feel about ourselves; I know I do. My wife is saggy, wrinkly, and her pussy isn't tight like a nice young thing, but I'm hardly any kind of catch in the looks department. In my relationship I have always been the fat one, yet my wife now tells me I'm handsome. You see, when I started feeling better about myself, due exclusively because I gave up PMO, my wife started feeling better about me, as well. This inspired me to lose weight, to dress better, to groom myself more. Once the narrative changes then everyone changes, which is so awesome.

    You've had some significant trauma in your life. Wow, having a lobotomy is radical. The fact that you're still standing is a testament to your inner spirit, a spirit that just isn't going to quit on you, no matter how you feel. Many of us here have gone through some serious shit. Luckily, that shit is now in the past. What's done, is done. The only thing we have in our tool box is staying away from PMO and moving forward. Moving forward for me meant taking care of the myriad of small jobs that I had left undone around the house. Washing windows, fixing a piece of broken baseboard, changing a light fixture, painting a piece I had left. Taking care of these small, mundane, tasks gives us momentum. There is no grand fix, no big event, that is going to alter your life. Change comes from taking care of the little things you see in front of you.

    It's great to have your hear Mitch. Keep posting on your journal and those of others. As we speak, as we read (listen), we gather into ourselves immense collective wisdom.

    Peace, bro'.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  7. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Thanks for paying attention. I just started seeing a therapist and spoke of having my eyes were opened to pmo. I could say I am not that guy who has it worse than me but I need to work on myself. She agreed that when u have nothing going on in ur life u fill it with anything. For me it is Food, porn, drugs when I can get it. Even mindless message boards about football. I am reexperiencing my love of painting and am aklowedging how my shame in myself has made me so isolated. I guess I thiugh Married I would never be alone. How wrong I was. I can complain about my mistakes but I owe it to myself to be happy. I don’t think I was truly happy since I was held back in the 6th grade, more than 30 years ago. I now see how shame led to self imposed isolation. I really do appreciate the feedback.
     
    Saville likes this.
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Recovery from addiction is about building a life worth living. Good to see your back, MitchConners.
     
  9. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Right now would be the perfect time to be bad. I have this awful stiff neck and I am tired and I have the house to myself. I don’t want to start over again. I just have been really tired lately
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Being tired is a definite trigger. Stay firm MC!
     
  11. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I am being weaned off of vyvanse at the same time I am quitting porn. I am so fucking tired I could sleep any time of day. I am sore. I have a wife who may let me fuck her to help. It has been maybe 4 months. We have gone over a year before. If we were both in a healthy state and I was attracted to her it would be weekly I guess.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was tired for 8 months when I gave up PMO. I walked around like a zombie. It does pass.

    Getting healed isn't about being attracted to your mate, strange as that may sound. Healing is an action. Part of that action is having nooky with the wife. My wife and I felt weird, embarrassed, awkward, when we first started having sex again. Having sex leads to more sex. In other words we have to step outside of our own heads. Much is revealed when we do more and think less.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  13. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I slept real well for the first time in a while. I didn’t even get up at midnight to eat. I just took 2 aderall which I kind of am supposed to be off with coffee so I am feeling up so far. I have read that I get addicted to the dopamine rush I need to find a replacement for the dopamine rush. I read an article that had suggestions exercise meditation listen to music consume tyrosine. I have being a stay-at-home dad for about 14 years I had a brain tumor was surgery and have been more or less isolated especially recently I can create new social connections that would fill the void I am kind of a square peg in around hole being a stay-at-home dad Now the kids are at school most of the day and I find myself filling my time up with bullshit
     
  14. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Had sex last night Had a huge load for my wife. Slept very well.
     
  15. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Tired for 8 months? Jesús
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wunderbar! :D
     
  17. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Yeah and out of my stimulant medication and I feel it. I need a I need a phone bump. It is cold and rainy here and I am on my bed at 3 PM sleeping.
     
  18. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I am pretty depressed lately and I want to sleep literally all day. I think the card is that I am totally out of vyVance need a testosterone patch and need to get back on ritalin. I have not been very interested in looking at porn at least. The rest of my life is crap and I am a zombie who is barely making it. I have a family that I cannot help and be there for right now. If I never had a family I would have killed myself. But I have that before and I will get out of it someday. Life kind of sucks but I have to keep breathing and hope to wake up someday.
     
  19. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I had a dream last night that may have taught me something. I was at a house and finally decided to go find the guys I was with. I went to find them and only one was found at a gym. We did bench press and I was extremely weak. Couldn’t even do 225 on my own without help. He said I was weak because I drank the night before. I think I should give up drinking as I did drink a lot this past Saturday night.
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've felt like this many times. I believe there absolutely is something magical and extraordinary about staying away from PMO and MO. It changes our perceptions on so many levels. Our brains begin to rewire in astonishing ways. I had a brain injury when I was a teen and I thought there were things about me that would never change. (I'm sure the trauma that you've been through with the removal of that tumor was much worse.) However, here I am at nearly 60 years old and my brain is absolutely changing. I am making connections that shouldn't be possible at my age. We are all remarkable and have no idea what we're capable of. The world we live in, our society, is a cynical and dark one. We are held in place by uncaring status-quo machine. But, we have the power to subvert the status-quo, and what a power that is.

    8 days clean is awesome!
     

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