My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MitchConners, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have been peeking at videos and pictures. I may have ed as I can't do it without Any visuals. Actually I am not that horny. I may have just used it as a quick fix when I was frustrated and overwhelmed or bored. I will have to play head games with myself to get it up for my wife. She is usually asleep and tired so she is not begging for it. I just love the beauty of the girls, my God, where do they come from.
     
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Peeking sets you back and keeps you frustrated, if you have PIED then peeking and looking at videos isn't going to help.
     
  3. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Mitch, why are you staying together with your wife? You seem not happy together.
     
  4. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    We have kids and I do not work, she is the breadwinner. I long for a soft feminine touch. She is masculine and loud. The kids are home and she is working from home today. I would never do that to my kids or her or my parents. I have been kidding myself. I see other couples together. I kind of am grossed out. She kissed me in front of the kids to show that we
    Love each other and it was gross. She loves me very much and am grateful for what she is done. I am really lonely and am living with another guy without a penis. Now, I should say that I have/had a brain tumor in the frontal lobe that has changed me. I may have got married because I was in a bad place and was safe. I am home all the time and have lost contact with the world. I guess porn was a substitute for what I could never have. It's really fucking sad now that I break it down. I just fill my life up with doing laundry, mowing the lawn and going to the gym if I can. I have no freedom with the kids home.
     
  5. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Wow… that sounds like a sad story. Sounds. You also make it a sad one.

    Why don't you work if I may ask?
    Honest what you write about why you got married. You chose safety and you got it. You wish you had chosen differently?
    In a way you still could, but then you'd have to take care of yourself, financially for sure. I guess it's up to you if you want that.

    Porn is often a substitute for facing scary things in life. Such is life.
    No freedom with the kids at home you write. Maybe love the kids since they're kids. And they're yours. You brought them in the world. Maybe give them the foundation you ought to give them as a father so they can overcome their challenges in the future without taking porn as a substitute. And if you don;t know how, well, maybe learn it together with them.

    Only person to make your life more fun, is yourself.
    Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  6. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Thanks, I do not work as I am on disability as a result of a partial lobotomy. Just typing this out I feel a wave of sadness come over me. I have my kid right next to me begging for an iPad password right now. Gotta go. Ok I'm back watching night at museum with my boy. I need a hobby. If you ask me what I do for fun I can't give a good answer. Drinking beer with the boys is not an option. I am not in college anymore. I am having a bad day I suppose and everything is clouded. Maybe I should stop posting for a bit. Concentrate on something else.
     
  7. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Mitch, cheer up buddy.

    I do remember the time some five years back where I really spent time to find out what really enjoys me, what gives me energy.
    To me it was discovering and experiencing truth and all that comes with it. Found quite some through religions and now in myself and my relationships with other people. The others were physical - and sexual intimacy (I learned that in a time where I didn't have that a lot with my wife at that time), music, good movies, long bike-rides or hikes with friends… and I think that was it. Games and porn were already recognized as addiction. They gave no energy.
    Yes, it's important to find these so you can try to practice the things you like to do. In the Thomas Gospel (I read you're catholic?) Jesus even mentions something like 'don't do what you hate.'. It's a nice quality of life, to do and work on what you like.

    Maybe you can spend some time figuring it out. Discuss it with the friends you still have, family, wife but also think it over for yourself. What makes you happy.

    After rain, there's sunshine. Looks like it's time for you to bright up your life a bit.
    Take care.
     
  8. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Thanks for the kind words. I opened up pandora a box with myself today and I do not like what I see. I have been numb as to block out reality. There is always tomorrow. I just need something to change. A spiritual change is in order.
     
  9. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Had a relapse today. The wife was tired and not feeling well again. I was angry and frustrated. I may be focusing too much on this. I need to stay busy. Too much time on my hands is not good at all.
     
  10. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Yesterday I did it twice. I let my anger and frustration get the best of me. Not sure if I can get it up for my wife anyways. She is huge and masculine. I think I need to get out of my head and worry about other stuff. Reality can be sobering that leDs to depression.
     
  11. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Mitch, yes, it seems you indeed blocked out reality quite some in your life. Annoying thing is, your life will not get better that way. If reality leads to depression, sedation of this reality will only give a unreal optimism. Have you seen the matrix? A little like that, would you prefer to be back in the system or out there in the war against the machines risking your life…

    Maybe try facing your demons. One by one. No matter how painful, it's worth it buddy.
     
  12. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Had a nice dream that someone was into me. She thought I was funny and was attracted to me. My wife found out and she brought up divorce like it was a foregone conclusion. I can't have the basic needs met when I am awake. At least I had a dream that was pleasant. Sure it is sad but there is no way out of here except a coffin :)
     
  13. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have done well the last few days. I have been busy and the wife is home which keeps me honest. You would think I would want sex from her but I do not. She is gross. As the breadwinner she has also taken as the head of the household. I think her personally would have done that anyways. The kids are in camp this week which is great. I can get some time to go to the gym and run an errand. Otherwise aid am locked down like Fort Knox.
     
  14. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I did it today. I didn't really care. I was bored and sick of my wife. I did not feel shame about doing it. I do not feel a need to do it again. I'm just sick of her.
     
  15. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Did it again today. Gordon is not good for me . The gym was closed I went home and cleaned up and worked in the yard. I am home alone a lot of the time . I need to constantly do projects that occupy my mind. I don't think I even wanted it that bad. I was pissed that my wife and one thing led to another and it happened. I need to start taking on big projects that take all day . That would be a better use of my time. I can stain the deck or start painting the inside of the house. Doh!
     
  16. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Feel at peace today. For a 42 year old my body feels like shit. My knees need to be replaced already. I do not have that fire and determination to pick myself by the bootstraps and get in good shape again. I want to. I want to be an early riser and workout. I should live in the gym. I have ways liked to lift but the wear and tear is a bitch. I was listening to a homily by Fr. Larry Richaards. He said that we do things because we love God. I should love my wife because of Gods love. People should see that I do not do things for myself but for others. Even though my wife can be as bitch I need to learn to love. I have had a brain tumor for 12 years and it has taken away a lot. It has made me bitter and angry. I was cheated on life. I was told that happiness is a quote I read that is hard for me. I do want to be washed up: . "The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things". I just can't accept that :(
     
  17. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I messed up yesterday. At the moment I did not give a crap. I may be underestimating the habit. The devil may be saying I don't have a habit. I have been much much better though. I even had a dream that I was going to have sex with my wife. I am on Zoloft and that does not help with getting and keeping an erection. Instead of p I should have sex with her all the time. She is self conscious. She has lost weight but is still over 300. Yeah, that's right not 200 but 300. I feel bad for her.
     
  18. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I feel a pull today. Not a physical need but I am trying to clean the playroom and it is a total mess. I have to take breaks or I get overwhelmed. I have spare time and I could do some chores but life has to be deeper than doing chores only to be followed by more chores. I do stay home and perhaps I need a daily schedule. That sounds like I am a child which in many ways I still am. I think I frequently use P out of frustration, boredom, or anger. I need big dreams to get excited about. Life is not just about mowing the lawn and washing the dishes. It should be sad that someday I will be dead and all that can be said is that he did the best he could while they think I could have been so much more.
     
  19. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    You can do the chorus consciously. There's honour in all labor. It's you who looks down on it. Who wants something else, but doesn't take the action.

    A well known verse about enlightenment (something like 'being born again') is this:

    After enlightenment, there's laundry.
     
  20. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I had a weeks vacation and do not have a chance to partake. However I forgot why I am doing this. I have already done it twice since I've been back.
     

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