My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MitchConners, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Thanks friend, I needed that
     
  2. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    My wife is huge. 300 + huge. She is perpetually tired with a headache or tummy ache. Gotta tell you it is not easy being interested. I may be depressed but I am just not motivated to get excited. I just want her to be this but that may never happen. She had lap band surgery and that didn't even work. I am stagnant in my weight loss which is disappointing. I feel bad that she is always the biggest person in the room. I think being around her has influenced my weight gain. Maybe it is age and being lazy.
     
  3. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Still have a nice little streak going. I went to Confession last night so that was great. My wife actually went in to work today and I think I am ok. I was honest with the priest and that is the number one sin that men confess to.
     
  4. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I had a melt down yesterday. The wife went to the office. I went to get new pants. None of the sizes fit me that I took. I was so upset that I did it, and then I did it again since I already did it. Idid it today too. I am fickle. I think I can get back on track. I shouldn't be so confident.
     
  5. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    So far I did not partake Sat or Sun, yet. Having people around helps. Wife is leaving for work across country. I hope I can focus my energies elsewhere. I also wonder if fapping takes energy from u? I know a guy. 44 years old and he can do it 10 times a day. He is proud of it. He is a freak though. He may not even need P. has to hurt his marriage.
     
  6. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Am tempted today. I tried to lift and workout but I just was a limp dick. I quit. Frustrated and feel alone. Tired actually. But, I can't let the negative overtake me like it has. Fuck that shit.
     
  7. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I did it today. Feeling depressed and tired, fed up, and don't really give a shit. 2 steps forward 1 step back is the way of my life in more ways than 1. I have self sabotaged my life in a few ways. :(
     
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    hey Mitch,

    no biggie! This is a long term lifestyle and conscious change... brush yourself off and start again... you have been making progress.

    don't beat yourself up and get down
     
  9. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I guess I have been making progress. Yesterday I actually had to work at it to get into it. I had a dream last night that I had to look and fap no matter what. Even if my daughter and others were around. I gave up because I couldn't have privacy. It was disturbing and should warn me. I stay home all day. I was thinking of making myself a schedule where I do not drift here and there with no purpose throughout the day. As of now my purpose is just to keep the house clean, laundry, get kids to school, and that is pretty much it. Not much of a life now that I type it out. Is there an emptiness inside of me? Probably. I have filled it with food, P, alcohol, sleep, drugs to name a few. Its funny how one day I want to reach for the stars while others I just want to get by.
     
  10. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well when I slip I slip: eating shit, P, and laziness. I saw all the episodes of Boardwalk Empire so I have that out of my system. I see myself slipping into that dark hole again. I kind of am scared.
     
  11. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Was up past 2 in the morning. Frustrated I could not sleep. Did one took a shower and went to bed ok. Went back to bed this morning. I may need a daily schedule being that I stay home all the time.
     
  12. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I have not really even thought about looking at P. I mean I'm depressed and don't even have the energy for that. Sleeping a lot and eating a lot. Its 5 pm right now and I could sleep but I have kids and a wife that need to be taken care of. I have lost weight on the scale this year but if I keep this up it will be all for nothing.
     
  13. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have been dead tired, I mean real fucking tired. I am out of ritalin and it is hard. I don't know why, maybe because I was so "who cares" I did it yesterday and today. Did not really enjoy it. Physically I am beat up. Years of abuse are catching up. I think today I did it because I heard my wife's voice telling me to clean the house! I said to myself well I'm going to get some first.
     
  14. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have done well for a while. No real sex drive. I had 2 bible studies that happened on the subject of sex. I think that helped. Everything else in my life seems to hang in the balance (kids, lack of friends, fat loss, motivation) but I guess that is good. It helps when my wife works from home I think.
     
  15. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I did it today. Kind of out of frustration. Then I almost did it again. Gotta keep my mind somewhere else I think.
     
  16. dannoj59

    dannoj59 Andy knows

    Mitch, thanks for your regular posts. Go on over to YBOP your brain on porn again and remind yourself why what your working on is imortant. That helped me tremendously. Your life will be better being free of a PMO addiction. Remember that because staying addicted to porn never improves anyones life. Peace my friend.
     
  17. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Fap today. I was not even into it. Took to much time. Gotta remember this. Usually happens after I get frustrated with something
     
  18. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Mitch: try going back to the beginning of your journal and read some of your initial thoughts. You've got to get back your will to beat this. Believe me, life has been getting to me too. I feel like total shit. Nothing big, just lots of small things piling up and making me want to check out. You kind of loose your perspective. You need to freshen up your vision. What can you do for yourself to make you feel good about yourself?
     
  19. imout

    imout Active Member

    Man , reading your journal really moved me. It sounds like ongoing depression. Depression decreases your resolve to stay away from porn. Porn makes you depressed. A vicious cycle. While you are in oit itlooks as if there is no way out. But if you do step out of it you will realize that you have options. Heaps of options.

    Being home by yourself obviously is part of the problem. Doing nothing or having no purpose undermines a person. I have been there . I wallowed in a depression for 2 years, which accelerated my pmo use. I didnt have to work. so I didnt. Soon I had less and less interest in less and less things that I used to be passionate about. To cut a long story short, I snapped out of it when I decided to work in a supermarket as a check out boy (I was 46) I wanted to proof to myself that I wasnt too arrogant for this. I was going to do shitty work, because if I can face that , I can face a lot more. It helped and I lost the depression (not the addiction though)

    Now I do vonlutary work for a thrift shop and for budget advice. Maybe you could occupy jourself with voluntary work too, while the kids are away. It is great stuff. Helps others and opens new horizons. Im not suggesting a thrift shop carreer , just for a while to open up your experience of life.

    Be sure man, the 2 step forward one back philosophy is a complete downer. It sounds like inevitable: "story of my life". It isnt. You are the one who makes the steps, whichever direction. Just dont take the steps backwards. Next day you feel better and proceed with more energy in th eright direction.

    I wish you all th ebest and strength to handle this. You can do it. Every one of us here was a loser. Sorry guys, but only losers spend endless hours day after day gawking at women they cant have. But we dont want to be losers anymore. So...lets do it.
     
  20. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have been good for several days. I think before I would always sneak a peek. Maybe out of boredom, even to motivate me to workout hard. I was very busy today and I really did not have time. I would waste time but I gota few things done. The wife is out of town. She is big, like over 300 big. It's not like look at her and get horny. It hurts me for her to even say this.
     

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