My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MitchConners, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    After reading the must read post I am doing well. I want to get in shape and am concentrating on that. Whenever an old habit creeps in I pop that in my mind. I am curious if it will give me more energy. Actually, last night I had a dream that my son had a porn mag that I was trying to find to get rid of. He is young and I don't want him to make the same mistakes. :)
     
  2. chicken

    chicken Guest

    Welcome to the forum! There are a great group of men here who have helped me on my road to recovery. Keep posting, It helps.
     
  3. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Been a few days. Last night I was down and alone and I held out. I had a dream of a woman last night. Every time a thought pops into my head I pop in a goal oriented thought. My goal is to lose fat and be in shape. I was watching what Arnold was saying on YouTube. He said look at the goal and whatever it takes he would do. I certainly am not there yet but an obsession on that will not give me idle time. I want to fill my day to be productive. I have something I am doing with a school. My wife has lost weight. I can be supportive. If I can have my body she can too. Arnold said something, don't dream of what your life can be but who you want to be. I want to be energetic, keep up with my kids, be confident, have friends-I am low on that. I have a picture of myself. I have a lot of potential, more than I know. I am kind of excited right now.
     
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Yes Mitch,

    many of the guys here report , that not only do they seek freedom from PMO, but also to make other big changes in their lives.

    There is often a feeling that the PMO addiction is a mask for other underlying issues, things we don't like about ourselves or that have happened to us in the past.

    You expressed some powerful statements about who you want to be, WHO YOU REALLY ARE!
     
  5. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    OK, I am doing something that is frustrating me and I feel pressure. This is a time I see that my brain is really connected to my dick. I may take a break but when I get overwhelmed this happens.
     
  6. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    The wife and I were home alone today. She says last night that I don't like her. Can't blame her, I don't show it and I do pick on her. I just wanted to have sex, thats all. Kind of bored. Cumming would have been good.
     
  7. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I keep having the same dream of this woman. I have been good but almost every night it happens. I have really weird dreams in general. The wife is gone and I was watching Ginger on Gilligans Island. I still did good. Listening to a Christian radio station the guy said that it is better to recieve. So, in the bedroom I should focus on her, and not me just coming. He also said that we should have sex often. Also, he said that if a wife refuses she has 24 hours to make up for it. Too bad my wife didn't hear it. Maybe this seems out of context but it was biblically based.
     
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Mitch,

    I would not necessarily go by hard "made up" rules like "the wife has 24 hours to make up for it" I don't think that is exactly biblical, it certainly is not a very loving state of mind.

    Love is truly a 2 way street. Are you hugging , hand holding, kissing ... non sexual bonding stuff?

    Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
     
  9. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I agree. He relates it to Jesus giving of himself and we sacrifice ourselves for our wife. I do not cuddle, hug or really have any intimacy physical or emotional. Serious, I have had 2 brain surgeries frontal lobe and I am different. The human part of me has changed.
     
  10. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Wife is out of town all week. I have been loving in my texts. Today is not easy. My kid threw up last night and I am worn down. I keep kind of peeking just a bit and then leave. I even want to fuck an old classmate that I should have that I see on Facebook. Damn I should have fucked them all when I had the chance. :'( I know I'm going to perform well for my wife because I have been holding out. It's not easy though.
     
  11. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Jeez, its only been 7 days! I'm about to burst.
     
  12. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    You are not going to burst man! I know it may feel that way... it is actually your brain crying for the dopamine hit! Your D receptors are so desensitized from too much dopamine drip from steady PMO that they are crying!!!! Your mind may try fooling you , bargaining for "just a peek" etc. Don't give in!

    Don't surrender. You genitals will survive and the real lovemaking will make it all the more worthwhile!

    check this out... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd02B4Vlwog
     
  13. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Thanks, the forest analogy works for me. Awesome land can be who I want to be. Glad to be here. I have stopped before but never intent like this. I stopped longer but this time I realize it is for real.
     
  14. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Well I have been saving up for a while and had sex with my wife. I pleasures her very nicely and then she let me fuck her. It was great. I had a huge load. I think we made a huge stride. It has been months since we did it and we felt more connected after it. If we can have regular sex that would help. I still have some dreams of women with huge tits but this is a good start. She said she was not ready as I have been mean for months but I really gave her what she wanted first. I may have just jumped forward in time. Yay.
     
  15. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    You know, finally getting laid has opened a tiny crack to porn and M. I didnt do anything but I feel llke fucking everyday. I am not sure she will oblige
     
  16. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Still have not jacked it. Just want to come,I have looked at porn. Am kind of sluggish and depressed. My wife is well over 300 pounds. I asked for sex during the day and she is too stressed busy etc. kids are gone but whatever. She works from home all the time so that kind of keeps me honest. I used to find a way before though. My streak is good but I am not getting anything from it. Insurance is being difficult with my ritalin so I am tired and depressed. I think someone just needs to come take my pants off and suck me.
     
  17. richardjohnharvey

    richardjohnharvey Screw it together to keep it together...

    Hi Mitch, thanks for reading my journal.

    I feel your pain sir, and empathise with your situation...hope you can hang in there, hope you can make it work. The world is yours for the taking.
     
  18. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    I have been away for a while. I think that is a mistake. I rarely get a moment to sneak on here. My wife just called me. Unbelievable. Ok, I think I can rationalize anything. I tell myself I am looking at some P to give me the motivation to get in great shape and all the women at the neighborhood will want to do me. On the flip side I am apathetic, maybe because of a brain injury. This fucking lobotomy has taken away interest in things I had a passion for. I want to be happy, sometimes I am and it is great. But the monster comes in and tells me I am doomed and pummels me. I am scared, of what I am not sure. Scared that I will just be the same until the day I die. That would be sad. Yes, I produced kids but so do a lot of people. Maybe I can divert my dick energy into something useful. I am on depression meds by the way. Even though I do have. A brain tumor Ihear people say live like you have 1 day to live. I certainly am not doing that. I am doing a Christian book that focuses on our appetites. I have sexual appetites as well as anything that makes me feel good for the time being.
     
  19. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Drank last night and am feeling down. I had time to myself for a change and I wonder if I can be happy. No P today but I snorted some C and Im just kidding myself. Tried to workout but I am so apathetic I quit 2 sets in
     
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Sounds like you are in a rough place. I've been there many times when ALL of it just piles on top of you and you feel overwhelmed. All I can say is that in a relatively short amount of time, you will feel different than you do now. This too shall pass... give yourself a few moments, a few calming breaths, a few hours, and the worst will be over (in your mind). We get heavy on ourselves but sometimes we see only the worst.
     

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