My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Aussie, Jan 16, 2014.

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  1. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    Well I've never felt this bad before - I guess I still find it hard to believe stoking my dick over pixels can have such real effects.
     
  2. cal8333

    cal8333 Member

    gotta push on mate, even doing one week no PMO is a huge change from where u were.
     
  3. How can you not know! You knew this the first few weeks of being on ybr. Keep pmo'ing for hours on end multiple times a week and you'll keep on finding new lows.

    How low will you go Auss? As i said to you a few weeks ago, you have a choice to make this very second, your ultimate low. To not accept this shit any longer. Or, you can keep moving on a downward(?) or sideways projection. You'll know when you're moving ahead. I can see changes in the way you "speak"/think, still somewhat immature but way ahead of where you were.

    Humans can be quite content to live in conditions they don't like if their fundamental needs are met, shelter, "sex", food. One question is, is this good enough for you. Does it meet your life goals? It's not as though it's only the last week you've basically wasted your life. It's a good 10 years right? Get motivated by that. Don't get angry and amped up. Get smart and use it as a smoldering drive to allow you to do the things you need to do. I don't know if you remember much of what is said, but the idea of "relaxed intensity" is what you need in life. To be ready for challenges when they arise and be ADAPTABLE. Shit gets flung in your face just when you think you've got the answer and you must provide an answer if you want to achieve whatever it is you want in your life.

    Still not seeing any talk of what you've actually done. If you're going to post at least allow yourself to be accountable to yourself and the people that read your journal by telling us what you did to progress or otherwise. If you pmo'ed for 10 hours, tell us. If you exercised and ate well, tell us. I've seen you post such things before, you should start it again.
     
  4. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    It's kind of hard to describe man.

    Of course i know porn effects us negatively,and i know what i said sounds dumb.When episodes like this happen where i really feel sick,in a vegetative state - that i find it hard to comprehend...it just feels worse than anything iv'e ever felt,worse than any cold/flu or other illness - its like all i can do is lay there and feel fucking horrible.

    Weirdest thing is,i bounced back - almost completely within the last few hours,i feel ok now :-\ this is another thing ive never experienced.

    I think i also hold onto this thought that im broken as well,that im just weird/not like everyone else - like porn hasn't really messed me up,its all just my fucked up head and no amount of abstaining or self improvement will ever fix that.

    So although i have the facts and the solution:

    I'm an addict,it's effected me in many ways,fact is iv'e been a hermit for years,its effected me in many ways = solution is rebooting,improving my life as much as i possibly can,improving and working on my social skills = eventually ill reach my goals of living a normal life.

    I find myself constantly doubting this - and thinking that maybe i'm just fucked up beyond any repair - and that i COULD be just wasting my time.

    I realise this is stupid and pretty much impossible - if it were true id have other symptoms = hearing voices,paranoia etc etc etc.I wouldn't just "feel like shit" and "anxious with no confidence or drive to go after things/women/goals etc"

    I still just find it hard to wrap my head around how seriously this can effect us,even though my life is in ruins and the only thing the proof points to is long term addiction eventually leading to total isolation....there really is no other explanation.

    Feeling as bad as i did today scared me,it was the worst feeling ive ever felt - and that really is saying something.

    Iv'e also been contradicting myself a lot in this way,its like on one hand i'm trying to convince some of you (UD,Smithy) how fucked my life is because of porn - on the other hand im questioning it myself - deep down i know though,its the addiction.


    So positive update then:

    I haven"t PMO'd at all in over 4 days,i did peak once 2 days ago for 2 mins,quickly snapped out of it.

    I worked out yesterday - lifted weights for the first time in weeks - was good.

    will be doing some cardio tonight - i really dont feel like my body needs weightlifting again today,i feel pretty weak physically.

    finished reading Noahs book "wack" today - it's very good,id recommend it to any newb.

    Have also been feeling less alone...i know its a weird thing to say so long after i joined the community - but i do feel a sense of having people in my corner now - and that what im going through isn't that different to what you guys have gone or are going through.big step for me,ive always felt like the black sheep in life and here the outsider that "no one else could possibly understand who i am and what i feel and what im going through - im different,im weird" - i'm starting to realise this is just another barrier ive put up to allow myself to escape and use as an excuse to use.
     
  5. Thats a great start man.

    Make sure you work your way up to doing intense exercise in both how often you do it and how hard each session is. You scare me when you say my body doesn't feel like doing a second weight session today. If you were on the gear, yeh go for two workouts. But being natty is a whole other ball game. Throw into the mix one of your hellish relapses and that could set you back for many days. Take it easy man, go slow, just get your habits formed. It takes on average 2 months of daily commitment to an activity before it starts to become a habit. It took at least that long for me to start meditating without even questioning it. It wasn't like "do i have to meditate? Maybe i can skip today?" NOPE, once it becomes a habit it is just done without question. Especially when you haven't killed yourself trying to establish that habit.

    Imagine how turned off you would be from meditating if you did a 2 hour long session every day for 2 weeks. You'd be sick of it and probably say it's shit. However if you slowly ween yourself onto it and start getting some POSITIVE feedback then it will be a strong habit you enjoy doing.
     
  6. LittleGiant

    LittleGiant Member

    This is bullshit man - you clearly know this on a logical level. Just keep reaffirming to yourself that this is the right path until you believe it at a sub-conscious level too.

    Good to see you're pushing yourself, I see we're at about the same amount of time now. And don't worry about feeling like shit, just relax and continue to let your body/mind heal itself.
     
  7. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    For the record man, I've been reading your recent posts and they are really grounded - it's awesome stuff to read

    That should be your new mantra. Stick to this, see it through, and you'll be in a really good place two months from now. I promise.

    Don't let the other crap take up space in your head. It's all noise. Stick to the mantra.
     
  8. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    @ Greeny:

    Bro,i didn't mean 2 weight sessions in one day! i mean my body didn't feel like doing weights yesterday,the day after my last workout.Iv'e been lifting on and off since late 2012.I'm pretty knowledgable about exercise now,the issue is ive only ever been consistent for a few months.

    @ little:

    yeah man,i'm just going to ride it out and stay positive knowing that it will eventually be worth it.

    @ zen:

    thanks dude,ill check it out.I have only meditated for a week consistently in the past - and i actually started feeling slight benefits.

    @ T:

    thanks bro 8) that's what im doing man,if i just put my head down and get on with it - it will work out for me.

    Update:

    so 5 days,longer than ive gone for quite a while.I still feel like fucking shit,despite sleeping 10 hours - and i now know why.By the way,i went full retard these last few days - i cant believe i didn't realise this was why i felt so fucking ill.

    Caffeine withdrawals! ive basically been living off 6+ cans of coke,2+ cans of energised mountain dews,3 coffees and chuck in a can or 2 of energy drinks - for 2 weeks.Sometimes it'd be more - like 10 cans of coke per day.the day before yesterday i stopped.this has to be it,i mean i know its normal to feel shit after binging and stuff,this was a whole new level though - this was full retard...i was/still sort of am in a full vegetive state - its like having a really really bad flu - you just cant do anything.

    Hopefully after today i should start feeling better.

    Had a few urges last night,considering going on a 2 day "no internet/no imac" run - just to give myself a little boost.

    Cheers guys.
     
  9. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    No no no no no!

    It's not that. The "just do it" mindset is very simple. Even if it is not perfect just DO SHIT. Something, anything, other than being inside and being alone all damn day. Even if the activity sucks as long as you're not breaking the law or hurting yourself, do it.

    "Just do it" is not meant to be extreme, it is meant to encourage you to be a "yes man" in a way. It is meant to be almost non chalant.
     
  10. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    Yeah it's pretty obvious at this stage.

    I've proven to myself I can work,I can function quite well at work AND I was using - imagine what I could achieve when I'm not using?

    It all comes down to 'just do it' - I've learnt that much.

    Just work out,even if I feel like shit - for example,and IT WORKS - after just 1 week,forcing myself to exercise starts becoming "I want to lift".

    There's no point in me over thinking things (my future) but...if I can work,and feel relatively comfortable EVEN WHILE USING - and only after TWO DAMN DAYS of work,my confidence was so high - then there's no reason why doing the same things SOCIALLY won't work.

    Thats the big thing here - my lack of social activities,especially women even though I don't want women at the moment - knowing and having faith that building that lifestyle ecosystem (work,regular exercise,healthy diet,reading,meditation) over the next few months - once I've adapted that lifestyle and I'm clean - man,I may end up actually WANTING to go out and meet new people becusse I'll feel so much better - obviously combined with nofap.

    It is very very basic shit - in theory!

    It comes down to discipline,faith in what I'm doing and raw grit - after a while it'll get easier and eventually what used to be hard will become easy - a habit,a learned skill etc.
     
  11. how was your day?
     
  12. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    Average man,still feel really lethargic and horrible.

    Was unable to do anything,and I mean it - zero energy.Its starting to freak me out a bit.stayed clean - had some pretty strong urges.
     
  13. Thats all good bro. Some days you can't do anything. There were days when i did nothing because i had to focus on not pmo'ing. As a result of that i usually did "something", because i didn't want to be stuck on the computer which would lead to pmo. I had to distract myself.

    Ahh well, maybe try and meditate tonight and write down a plan for tomorrow.
     
  14. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    Relapsed.

    I know why,and im not even that pissed about it:

    The caffeine withdrawals fucked me up,BADLY.It wasn't like an intense thing...and its not like i get urges to have a coke or a mountain dew - i just felt mother-fucking so tired and drained/lethargic and just terrible.

    It built up over the last 3 days,just constant fucking suffering physically - day in day out,feeling fucking horrible - it took a toll on me,i snapped - this is not porn induced - its 100% caffeine withdrawals...ok maybe 95% caffeine 5% porn.either way it broke me mentally,fucking horrific feeling physically - this shit fucking sucks,i repeat - THIS FUCKING SUCKS.It started to scare me last night - its just an incessant fucking suffering,and after 4 days of it IM REALLY FUCKING SICK OF IT!

    Iv'e read up about caffeine withdrawals and it can only take a few weeks of high doses of caffeine to get "hooked" - and when you stop cold turkey you can get withdrawals - man i was downing 10 cans of soda a day,sometimes more - for 2 weeks + - withdrawals can last up to a week,i am starting to feel a bit better,still fucked though.

    No wonder it fucked me up,and i STILL don't feel right - could be another few days.I'm never drinking the shit again,i knew it wasn't good for me but fuck....this shit fucked me up badly.

    I know how crazy this probably sounds,but believe me - ive basically been bed ridden for the last 4 days! Was considering going to the doctor yesterday,then decided theres nothing he can do for me so its pointless.
     
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    What are you going to do today?

    It's 9am over there in Australia.

    Are you going to spend the rest of the day binging to porn?

    Go take a walk or something.
     
  16. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Caffeine is a drug for sure. Some people are more sensitive to it than others. I try to avoid high doses myself.

    It's ok! Forgive yourself. Move on.

    Apply for jobs.
     
  17. LittleGiant

    LittleGiant Member

    Sounds like you have bad adrenal fatigue, caused by too much stimulation/stress. I've been there myself (would often be bed ridden for much of the day despite having 9 hours sleep). You just need to chill, I found reducing weights and exercise (for a while), NO FAPPING, going to bed by 11 ideally, and meditation over a long period of time helped me a lot. You probably won't be feeling like doing anything productive, that's ok, just chill out and allow your body to replenish its' energy. The thing about adrenal fatigue is that it can actually take months for you to recover to a point where you function normally in response to stress (depending how bad your case is). But you have to start somewhere.
     
  18. Dark_Knight

    Dark_Knight Guest

    i dunno man @ littlegiant,

    Seems to much of a coincidence that a day after i stop drinking coke,mountain dew and energy drinks - the symptoms started.It was like a flick of a switch the day after - BOOM no energy,dead.

    Literally id rather be dead than continue to feel this fucking shitty - PMO has nothing on this - this is just outright being sick.
     
  19. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    For fuck's sake, stop whining.

    You are the one who put yourself in this situation.

    You know what your biggest problem is Aussie?

    Your biggest problem is that your whole life depends on a day number.

    You're waiting for your counter to have a big number before you do something about your life.

    Are you aware that the only time that matters is now?

    It doesn't fucking matter if you watched porn yesterday or early today. Your life is happening right now. The past is irrelevant. The day of rebooting is irrelevant.

    Why do you even have a counter?

    You just keep resetting it like an idiot.


    It's the stupidest thing ever.

    You're obsessed about it. It's all you think about.

    Porn, withdrawals, feeling like shit, pain, suffering, sacrifice, effort, willpower, etc.

    You have to let go of all that shit.

    Life has become hell for you.

    That's why I recommended you to find a zen center or a zen master in your city. You really need to start enjoying the little things in life. The present moment. The fact that you're alive.

    For your own good, relax.

    Look at the sky and smile. Be grateful that you're alive.

    Take a break from rebooting and just enjoy life.

    Who gives a shit if you fapped?

    Why do you have to make SUCH A BIG DEAL about it?

    Get rid of that fucking counter.

    You are way too obsessed about all this shit.
     
  20. Damn, i had a reply written and now its gone.

    Anyway, stop being negative. Stop trying to convince yourself or us how fucked you are.

    As we discussed before, WHAT. ARE. YOU. GOING. TO. DO. ABOUT. IT.

    My advice is to not quit caffiene yet. Dont bite off more than you can chew. Like when you quit cigs while trying to quit pmo. Even if youve quit cigs now is irrelevant. What is a bigger goal? Quitting caffeiene or quitting pmo addiction?

    You're like a fish in water that doesnt know its in water. The negativity is so intrenched you dont even notice it. Well start fucking noticing it cause its holding you back.
     
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