My Journal

Back again,to start fresh - history:

I'm 28 years old,I'm a porn addict & have been for at least 6 years.The last few years I've spent the majority of my time at home PMO'ing and wasting my life.

I have no job,car or social life and I have been diagnosed with clinical/major depression and general anxiety disorder.

After a horrible second half of 2013,struggling to quit has really hit me hard.I managed to go 90 days no O last year,since then my best 2 runs were 11 days and 15 days.The reason I'm finding it hard to stop is because I don't have a life at all.Porn is really the only thing I get any sort of pleasure at all from.

After a horrible Christmas and New Years spent alone,I relapsed on day 15 on New Year's Eve.I started spiraling out of control and I left the forum and decided "fuck it I'll just forget I ever heard about YBOP,YBR and all the other nofap shit" - stupid decision,I know deep down that in order to live the life I want to live,I have to reboot.There's no alternative,I can't keep PMO'ing because #1,it fries my brain and fucks me up in many ways,and #2 because I can never just pretend that PMO'ing is normal anymore,I can't ever go back to just thinking it isn't 'bad' for me.

I've been having intense suicidal thoughts,I just can't live like this anymore,but I feel trapped.Like no matter how much effort I put in ill still be a fucked up loser who can't socialize or pick up women.

I've burnt some bridges here in the past due to my anger problems but I decided I need to come back as I need the support,have some big changes coming my way next month.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Thanks man

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Hi Aussi, i can totally relate to most of what you say.

Ive had so many suicidal thoughts because i aint got a social life or barely at all and especially not having a girlfriend ,i just know that i need love as im rotting my life away being alone.

But since ive started the pmo free challange my suicidal thoughts have been toning down.And i feel a little bit better but its a real struggle especially when you know that you aint gonna have sex at all even if you get a girlfriend in my case (religious girls)

So i understand how hard it is but keep up being clean whichever way possible.

heres some things that may help you.

Start from reading this thread :

http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=7767.0


Print up a PMO spreadsheet to keep count of your progress

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=16501.0 (just save it in pdf format)


next here are some tools to connect with others whether its online or in real life.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-to-connect-with-others

Also there are some no fap channels on youtube that might help you

http://www.youtube.com/user/NoFapAcademy/videos

http://www.youtube.com/user/SacredSexualityVlog


So i know this isnt much as i have very similar troubles like you but its the best i can do.

I wish you the best Aussie and Good Luck !

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Before you read all the stuff that other kid just posted, read this:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-that-have-to-happen-before-you-fix-your-crappy-life/

#4 and #1 especially

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Definitely agree with #1. You don't get a medal when you get to what you think is the finish line, you get all sorts of new problems to deal with.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

When I was on my long run,I didn't realize how far I'd come/how much I'd improved mentally...until I relapsed and binged and went back to that fucked up brain fog place.That was a good read T.

It's strange because I know I CAN do it (reboot,recover) but I do have one specific thing that is always in the back of my mind that I need to rationalize and 'block out'

You know when you have that feeling,you know you can do something in your gut? You know you've got it in you.

This might sound lame to a fully functional person but for me,my goals this year are to get my license and a car,start my volenteer job on the 18th of feb,complete a 3 day employment course,get a full time job and reboot.And to continue and progress with my exercise and weights training,get guitar lessons.

I have to look at this as a strategic move,if that's all I do this year,then man that's pretty fucking awesome for me,I'll be in a much better situation.

Now I KNOW I CAN achieve those goals,and I will.

My demon,the thing that keeps me stuck in this negative psychological Rutt,is my core belief that I,my personality can't change.When I think about dating/meeting women,meeting new male friends,it just seems SO unrealistic.Like what woman would/could want me,be attracted to me & love me? What dude would meet me,and want to chill and form a friendship with me? I really feel utterly hopeless regarding my social future,and a social life is more important to me than the material shit and jobs etc.

But,I'm not saying it won't happen,I'm hoping after a certain amount of time in my new life I'll start to build confidence and be more charismatic and attract new people into my life...

Anyway,mowing the lawn and working out today - it's so hot here.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Had a pretty rough week,been relapsing daily,last one was midnight last night.

When I started this new journal I felt like I needed one/needed to be here...however I'm not so sure now.

It's like I've heard it all before,said it all before here...there's nothing left for me to do besides reboot.Talking about it does nothing for me.In fact it just depresses me,especially when all the guys who signed up around the same time as me are now dating and improving their lives and I'm still fucked up.

Oh well,keep on keeping on.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Ok quick update:

It still boggles my mind that I relapsed on a 94 day no orgasm streak,it proves how engrained the addiction/wiring is in my brain.Im certain that it'll take much longer than the traditional 90/120 day period - I'm guessing around a year.

I find myself at the moment being bored,having WAY to much time on my hands - but at the same time I'm foggy lethargic and just can't be bothered doing anything.I e lost interest in most things,it terrible that I'm a 28 year old man literally living like a 90 year old retiree.

I get motivated to quit,then I just snap - I relapse,then I feel guilty,then I binge - and repeat,for over 6 months!

The amount of time I've wasted on porn over the years is crazy.

Next month,is the biggest month of changes that'll be happening for years.Im doing my driving test,I'll pass.Then I'm buying my first car (I've got 4 grand).Im starting a volunteer job,and doing a job seekers course - my driving test is in 25 days,if I'm not clean - I will fail.Its why I failed my last driving test,I was foggy,and very anxious.So I have 25 days to get my shit together and stay positive and I know in 10 days no O I'll feel WAY better.

This is going to be extremely hard,it has to be fine though be used I'm better off dead than living like this.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

So as expected I've lost all support on this forum.

It doesn't really matter though,I've battled with my demons by myself for years so what does it matter that no one cares on here,I couldn't care less.Im using this as my journal even if I get to 100 pages with no replies,fuck it.

The way I see it I'm worse off than anyone here,and it motivates me to overcome this shit and surpass all of you in life,I know I have it in me and when I start my VLOG I'll be explaining in detail my whole story and the struggle that has been my life for the last 7 years.

I cut my PS3 power cord last night,my iMacs HDD crashed a few months back,now the only access I have is my device - which I'll be putting in my parents room every night.

Time to get serious,I can't keep on living my life in misery.I deserve much better.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Your better off in the long run without the support of others. When there is knowone to cling to for self pity or who validates your negativity you generally just get bored with those habits and keep going to get the job done.

Once the negativity stops the relapsing will as well.

Good luck mate.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Yeah well everyone got sick of me ranting and saying "this is it,I'm doing it this time" and then relapsing hundreds of times.Im the definition of a broken record.So I'm not blaming people I was just stating the truth.

My first journal had over 10,000 views and dozens of people replying to posts.That seems like so long ago that I was on my good run,I started it in march last year.

As I said,next month is bringing more changes to my life than I've had for years,and if I don't pull my head in NOW I literally will fail my license test due to anxiety and brain fog,I'll try and get out of my volenteer job and the job seekers course - and that will be fucked up.

I know 100% that if I reboot and recover my life will improve,I'll improve - I'll feel better physically and mentally.I know this,and yet I just keep on relapsing.This addiction is so powerful,I can't even describe how fucked up it is.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Wanted to share this article I found and have it in my journal to inspire me:

Mark Kastleman

In my last article, I discussed how pornography's scourge scorches the soul of the innocent-the children and teens. Theirs is the most tragic situation of all because they suffer needlessly as a result of the lust, greed and selfishness of others.

But what about the men who get sucked into porn's cauldron of lust? I certainly would never suggest that their suffering is anything like that of innocent women and children who lay in the wake of pornography addiction. Nor am I suggesting that their actions should be excused or justified. But I do submit that the suffering and misery experienced by men who get pulled into the pornography trap are real and excruciating.

Nearly all men who view pornography use it as the stimulus for masturbation. As a result they frequently suffer feelings of guilt, shame, regret and humiliation.
Many men become addicted to pornography and lose their freedom. They feel trapped, out of control, and in despair. They literally become slaves to their own lust.
Pornography places men on an emotional roller coaster. One minute they're happy, the next they're sad; calm, then angry; kind, then cold. These moods change without warning, causing stress and pain for wives, children, friends and associates. Feelings of estrangement ensue, further isolating and alienating them from their loved ones, which often drive men even deeper into the self-medicating escape of pornography.
Men isolated on the slippery slope of pornography typically fail in their families and marriages, and in their relations with people in general. They are less effective, less reliable, less creative, and more prone to meanness and fits of anger. In essence, pornography turns men into zombie-like characters who are but a shadow of their true selves and potential. They waste their time, talents and resources, caught up in their own dark little world of pornography viewing.
In the advanced stages, pornography addiction can lead a man to commit rape, incest, violence, exhibitionism, other sex-related crimes and even suicide. Millions of men have lost their families, their careers, their reputations, their good names, and their freedom just to satisfy their addiction.
Pornography can take an immensely good, talented, enthusiastic man and turn him into one of the walking dead.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

6:19am and I've been trying to sleep for the last 4 hours tossing and turning.

I feel horrible,hot,lethargic,angry,depressed and just plain fucking shit.I feel ill.

I hate this mother fucking cunt shit.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Well I've made it to day 2,something I haven't done for a few weeks.Not having access to my PS3 helps.

I know that if I stay strong for the next few weeks I'll feel better.All I'm focusing on is staying away from PMO,nothing else matters.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Day #3:

Woke up at 3pm,went to bed at about 8am.

Sleep pattern is completely out of whack,from the last few weeks of porn binging.I seem to hit a point when I binge for a few weeks and stop exercising.Its a depressed sickly stage where I'm drained of all energy and just feel horrible,it takes 2 days of abstinence to settle back down,I'm feeling better today and I went for a short walk.

I got some sleeping pills today to get a normal sleeping pattern back,I'll be taking one at midnight tonight.

I have a very strong mindset to reboot,I'm so over this cycle of attempting to stop,then going back to rock bottom - it's exhausting.

On Monday I'm going to do a whole body workout and then get back into my 4 day a week split weight training.And 2 days a week HIIT.I figure it'll take me all of next week to condition my body back into workouts as it's been 3 weeks since I last worked out.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow,again.Ive started and stopped a few times now,I feel much better when I quit the cancer sticks so it's a must.

Not much else to report,oh - reading again starting tonight,an hour a night and I have 5 books to read.Also want to get into meditation.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

How's your volunteer job going? Sounds like the busier you get the more P will fade into background.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Hey man,

I don't start my volunteer job until mid next month - which is a good thing because I need a few weeks of abstinence under my belt for all the shit I have coming up next month.

I forgot to say,I have an appointment next Saturday with my doctor to get a referral to a therapist.I am a bit reluctant because I really don't like having to explain my situation to a stranger but I'm beyond the stage of needing help now,I really need professional help to get my through this - I'm willing to push hard and go through hell this year,I just NEED a stable life.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

I just want to mention that I've followed your journals for a while now. I truly wish to see you recover from this cursed addiction.

 

Re: Aussies' Journal 3.0

Thanks guys,

So I relapsed tonight - nothing triggered me,I felt better than I had in a week or so - I was bored and just thought "fuck it".

This is unacceptable - completely unacceptable because now I'm very emotional - I put a lot of effort getting through the last 72 hours - I literally felt Sick for 2 days.Im on the verge of tears,I let myself down AGAIN and AGAIN I'm back to square one,day one and now I'll feel like shit for a few days AGAIN,for the millionth time.

So I don't have a computer or a PS3,now I only have my phone,it's going.

I'm asking my parents to take it tomorrow and I'm completely cutting myself off from the Internet,I'm so out of control and I can admit I'm absolutely powerless now,I cannot do it whilst I have access.I cannot do the reboot...I simply can't if I have access to porn - period,there's no sugar coating it.

This depresses the fucking hell out of me because what happens if I go 3+ months,get my iMac fixed? Will I just snap one day and relapse and go back to my mentally fucked up state?

All I know is that I REFUSE to let this dirty addiction beat me,I simply will never give myself the opportunity to relapse - I fear failing everything next month because I'll feel so crappy.

Anyway,I'll obviously be unable to journal and use this forum,it's a great tool for me but as I said I've come to the realization that I just can't do it.

Aussie.

And PS,such a coincidence that my journal gets really good replies at the time I was relapsing