My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by kv22206, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    I cant believe I made it to the 7th day of no porn and no masturbation. Tho my penis is dead with no erections, no morning wood, and no desire for sex either. But going by what others r saying I am hopeful that it will change. Hope is what keeps us going after al!

    Quick background: I am 34 yrs old, gay and live in India. I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for past 4-5 yrs and could not hold my erection for more than 30 seconds w/o constant stimulation and watching porn. Good sex life was out of question. This site has given me a great ray of hope (stumbled upon it a week ago and it was completely my story and jumped on the rebooting process right away)....keeping my fingers crossed!
     
  2. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 9: Woke up today with a weak erection...kinda like morning wood but no sexual desire or excitement. I touched the penis a bit and the erection became stronger but not very hard and lasted about 1-2 minutes and subsided on its own. I tried hard not to get too excited to touch too much else I will be tempted to masturbate. Considering my history with other temptations, relapse is my biggest concern.
    Seeing a semi-erect penis after 9 days did raise my hope to recover!
     
  3. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hang in there man.

    8 weeks is the recommended minimum.

    Don't expect too many benefits soon. Be patient.

    ;)
     
  4. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Thanks Underdog!

    Today: no urge to view porn or anything, no sexual desire. Its a positive change as I am spending more time with family and my niece and nephew instead of the hours of browsing porn.

    But I now have a new addiction : This forum and yourbrainonporn!
     
  5. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    What a healthy and nice addiction ;D
     
  6. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 13:

    Flatlining still going on and mostly dead penis, no morning erections either.
    Except today i spoke to my ex and some thoughts of the sex I had with my ex made me feel very horny and i got a semi (20-30%) erection. I got excited and touched a little and it became (70-80%) hard but went soft again after about 2-3 minutes as my thoughts also kinda died away.

    Back to dead penis! not sure if its an improvement or just a passing moment.
     
  7. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 14:

    I got pulled into temptation. I knew my body was not needing it, but some unknown force (the brain i guess) pushed me to have a sexual encounter. I had a hot date with no intention of any sexual contact (but deep inside I felt I wanted it, like i was being cajoled into it) and I was not even horny. But he started touching and we jerked each other off. I did not even get hard, just 40-50% erection and came quickly as have not MO'ed in 13 days. I felt very low and guilty after that as I broke my rebooting promise.
    I am just hoping I do not get back deeper into this relapse and continue to have random sex. I hope to get back on track with the reboot and abstain for as long as required to get my rock hard erection back. Tho I am happy that I am not at all tempted to watch porn, thats one thing I feel I might have gotten off my back for now.
     
  8. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    These things happen man, don't worry.

    Just get back on track.

    14 days is amazing. You're doing very good so far!
     
  9. Harry

    Harry Guest

    I don't think you should feel guilty about getting jerked by your date. I thought that actually gets you in the habit of having an actual partner rather than watching porn or fantasizing.
     
  10. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Thats true Harry, but not having an erection even after being so horny and having an attractive person touching you does not give a good boost to your self- esteem! I am going to refrain as much as possible from any sexual contact with any person as it does set you back a little.

    Day 19:

    Some days I am swarmed by sexual thoughts looking at hot men all around and just want to hook up with someone but I know that i will not get a hard on so I just hold back and divert my mind into watching a movie or smthing.
    Some days no emotions at all. I get anxious if I don't feel horny and sometimes start touching myself just to make myself hard but good thing is I absolutely don't think of porn, just some of my real sexual experiences. And I want to stop touching myself too. I want to let this flatline period go on for as long as it does but anxiety is killing. No thoughts of sex is better than constant thoughts of porn and compulsive masturbation.

    Keeping my fingers crossed!
     
  11. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    After 2-3 days of holding back my horniness I finally masturbated this morning. I was very horny with constant thoughts of having sex and very tempted to hook up with someone. But there was no erection. I thought it was better at this point of time to masturbate and release the tension than to hook up with someone as I know I was not going to be able to perform.

    So I stimulated myself a little and got a hard on, which would last only 30-60 seconds at a time until i touched myself again and again (70-80% hard). It is that phase where you want to touch yourself to check how hard you can get but I know its counter productive and setting me back. Finally I came within 10 minutes of slow and steady self started and self-stimulated masturbation. Partially to fantasy about previous sexual partners but no porn fantasy.

    I feel a little set back as now once the abstinence is broken the brain will push me to go for it again and again and will make it more difficult to continue with no PMO process.

    Guys help me! need some encouragement!
     
  12. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    It's not good, but if you weren't fantasizing about porn, or at most were doing so minimally, I don't think it's a total disaster.
     
  13. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 26/ Day 9:

    Had a nice morning wood today after a long time (80% hard and lasted about 10 minutes) tho I was tempted to touch it as I saw a raging hard cock after so long. I touched a bit and rubbed it but did not orgasm as I was able to control it.

    So far in past 26 days have relapsed (2 quickie hook ups with O and 1 MO, no porn). It was a setback from reaching my goal but I am a positive person. And I see it as progress as anything is better than 3 times daily PMO! Now I wonder how I ever did that!

    Now on day 9 after last O! Still not really horny and not getting any healthy erections other than this morning wood.
     
  14. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 27/ Day 10:

    Another morning of rock hard erection. Did not touch it too much to avoid getting too excited and the temptation to jack off. It lasted a good 10-15 minutes as I was half awake lazing in the bed. The moment I got out of bed and stood up on my feet it subsided immediately and later no sign of erection or no sexual desire either.

    Past couple of days of morning erection has given me a new ray of hope that this stuff really works. Cant wait to get a spontaneous rock hard boner that lasts.

    I want to take a moment to thank the creators of YBOP and this site and all the guys who daily post their experiences that makes going thru this so much easier than what it would have been to walk it all alone.

    Very excited about the new developments (a small step but still) in my life!
     
  15. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    5 weeks down!

    No porn for 5 weeks but in that time I masturbated three times and had sexual contact with 3 different people, so orgasmed a total of 6 times in past 5 weeks. So looking back I cheated plenty and dint do all that well towards a successful reboot.
    Erections in all those times of masturbation and sex were just ok- averaging about 60-70% hard and lasting only about 30-40 seconds at a time until further stimulation which is not a significant improvement for me from before the reboot. I had to masturbate as I was too horny to concentrate on anything else. Now since past 3 days am flatlining again with a dead penis.

    I also went to a counselor to talk about my sexual addiction problem where I need a new person everytime to have sex. He gave a very nice example to think of desire like a powerful horse. A separate entity than you that is that is way more powerful than you but you ride the horse and not the other way around. The day the horse would want to start riding you, you can imagine what will happen. SO think of how you would tame a horse so it will take you where you want to go and not you just following where the horse wants to go.

    The idea is to think of desire (any excessive urge sexual, alcohol, smoking, eating) as a completely separate entity from you and you have to tame it and you will tell it what has to be done and not the other way around. I found it quite helpful to think of it that way and will work on it to see if my unusual and excessive sexual urges can be brought back to a normal range to have a satisfying sexual experience.
     
  16. Harry

    Harry Guest

    Its good that your seeing a counselor who you can talk to about your addiction. The metaphor of desire as a horse is fitting. I would share my no P/M/O goals with my counselor. Maybe he will help you get back on track.
     
  17. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    I endorse this. Whatever metaphor is used, the idea is to create space between your conscious self and the desire, to observe the urge rather than just experience it. Doing so creates the possibility of choice--of choosing not to act on the desire.
     
  18. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    I used to do this before but I completely forgot about it!

    Thanks for the reminder.
     
  19. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Another thing my counselor said was the same thing spinergy said….just observe the desire and not just control it. Controlling the desire suppresses it which means it will just keep coming back. Observing the desire separates the desire from you and gives you a clearer picture of what is going on.
    This is a concept a little difficult to understand but I am trying that out now.
     
  20. kv22206

    kv22206 New Member

    Day 40:

    Still flatlining for past 6-7 days!
    Last night went dancing to a happening club. Was with one guy all night (knew him from before) and really enjoyed dancing with him. Later after the party we kissed and made out a bit and I was really very attracted to him but I just couldn’t get an erection. Completely dead penis like it will never ever get erect.
    He called me to his place but I refused as I really like this guy and don’t want him to know about this shit!

    I really want my erection back  How did I screw up my life like this!
     

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