I wake up with terrible depressed mood. But have focused at tasks that are in front of me. Today we cleaned room that have not cleaned since.....God only know exact date. I did a lot of stuff: tidying of room, washing of lab dishes, reaaranging furniture. Basically, I have been making thing happen and showing initiative. And that was good.
I make a difference. I own everything in my life either good and bad. I am my own best friend and worst enemy. I take extreme resposibility for my life. Too often I expect others to please me or take blame on others. Too often I bitter and resentful, angry and nihilistic. I procrastinate and do not use helpful techniques. I fantasize and avoid reality. I fear to lose so bad that do everything to make loss happen. I do not tell myself truth very often in my life. There is no treshold which allow complacency and no expectance of everyday "goodness". I am staring at the void in my soul and everything that I can do is to smile back. There is no good or bad days and struggles do not discourage me. Everything I can do is to clench my teeth and keep working. I can lose but can not give up and let my depression take the upper hand. The only thing that matters is how I live every day. Frustration and dissapointment do not get a vote.
Horrible depression all week. Was unable to do my diploma work. Doesn`t matter. What have happened is unchangeable. I focus on what is in front of me.
Have PMed couple times this week. Mood is horrible, I want to quit university. Feel like "I am sick of all this". Unprofessional administrative stuff which costantly creates problems. Little amount of actual lab work and lack of skills that are needed for working in commercials lab. Almost all job providers either do not want take students or need a set of skills which is not possible to obrain at the university. I still in the mud with my diploma paper. Somehow I have written one of 3 parts. Also, this remote learning just drains me. I feel like I was lied about what it would be student. I do not feel neither drive nor passion anymore and clearly lack discipline. I am sick again. Maybe, It is common cold but there are some repetetive cases of Covid in my town. I am so sorry for myself for inability to act properly in the world. So often I know what I should do but don`t do. I am procrastinating, wasting time, waititng for some miracle problem solving.
I have needed to take a break from this website. Today I realize that I have wasted last 1,5 years of my life. Telling lies, procrastination, laziness, blaming others and COVID. I have made myself uncompetetive and will face unnecessary strugles when I will apply to master program. There is noone or nothing to blame. I have failed miserably and horrible depression was s sign that I had not made correct conclusion from it. I have been imagining some vision of ideal life since my teen years but did a little to actually create it. I have waited for that it will somehow creates itself because I deserve it. I truly sorry for myself and my parents for this mistake. My ego and ambitions have not guided me but rather made blind, deceitful and arrogant and I chose wrong way. The only way out is to strive towards unmitigated daily discipline of body and mind. I have failed and lost the battle. Mahor one. But the war is still going on and the only way to win is to fight every single day.
Keep going man. The only way is forward, no matter how many times you fall. I've been on this website for damn near a decade since I was 19. I'm 28 now. Even so, I won't give up. The war isn't over. Fight! Fight!
I have done some break from website. That was beneficial. I have focused on studying because it is my last year. I have been doing quite well since end of April. I have understanded that hard work is needed for me for the sake of the hard work. Sometimes all my efforts are useless and a little force of will can make great result, sometimes good luck, sometimes bad. I have to work hard on every task whatever it might be. That brings some kind of discipline and freedom from temptations. I am ready for struggles and do not want easy wins. I am ready to making myself a better man. About addiction. I have noticed a strong natural erection at least once a week. Without manual stimuli or P, sometimes from unconscious fantasy, sometimes without any reason. I have found a way to make a masturbation a pleasurable and rare action not compulsive jerking. That mean stopping myself from P completely and masturbate only if erection will be natural strong without manula stimuli. And even in this case I will resist the urge. I say no to compulsion an dmental self-beaating.
I have started to work out regularly.All musckes are sore but I feel better. Still a lot of things in my head. Anxiety about future, regret due to past mistakes, worryings about current situation. But somewhy I feel a lot better than a month ago. maybe, It was some sort of depression or melancholia. I don`t know. presence of sun helps a lot.
Sun helps a lot. I workout, running or go for a walk almost every single day. My productivity has increased. Somehow I feel better but PM still a thing. Too many urges, too little strength to resist. Nonetheless, focusing on current tasks and implementing discipline is only way to succeed. Everything I do is forming a habit. Staying in a bed for prolonged periods of time, laziness, procrastinatiom, masturbation but also physical training, early wakeups, concentration on work.
Do not think about black cat. That is I tried to implement last year. That is impossible and absurd. What is really effective?The answer is simple:focusing on right things. Going to bed at proper time and waking up just after sleep is over. Regular physical training and healthy food. Studying and learning what I supposed to study and learn. Maybe, we all just want a better life and giving up PM is just a symptom? I had started process such thought after I watched video with J.B. Peterson. . Nonetheless, my "depression" is gone and i feel a "love of life".
Messy day. laziness, procrastinatiom, PM binge all day. But also I have read a couple of books, trained outdoors. I didn`t quit.
