My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have an very exam today. My preperation are not succsessful. I fear of being criticised by professor. This fear is srrational because I was in such situations earlier.
     
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed.
     
  3. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have just returned from running session, tired and sweaty but in good mood. 5,5 kilometers, 34 minutes. That is a great result. I have long walks every day as a matter of training. Also some back and core training. Not much but it is something. I am going to include some strength training: push ups, pull ups, dips, lunges, squats, knees raises.
    I go into binary thinking. Yes or no. No delaying, no negotiation with myself. It helps.
     
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  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Tomorrow I will have my last exam. Hard one, but only because my laziness. Throughout entire semester I have been using excuses such as "I will read it later from the book" to avoid studying, writing and paying attention during lectures. Surprisingly, I have never have such attitude before remote learning. Seems like a lack of self discipline. I was never taught avout selfdiscipline by those rho were supposed to prepare and teach me how to live in the world-my parents. Well, they also lack self-discipline in field of selfcare: my father was a smoker since his fifteenth up to his heart stroke, both my mom and dad have never been working out either alone ot with kids. Nonetheless, they were doctors, they knew about the harm from smoking and value of exercising. And as a doctors, they were really devoted to their job: night calls and work on weekends were not uncommon. They were true disciplined professionals at hospital and almost opposite at home. They still is.
    I was very disciplined at university due to atmosphere also. University is place for learning. Remote learning from home lacks such atmosphere and it is very hard to build new habits of learning from place where I eat and sleep. It feels like I am on vacation. Establishing new patterns of thinking and actions requires system approach and before new patterns will work there are a long period of broken habits. Simple logic is really not enough, just like with smoking and porn. There must be repetetive work which is very hard to maintain without supervision from above.
    Neurology says that our prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and rational thinking) is very young (only humans have it) by evolutionary terms, so it is very energy dependent. Older parts of our brains are less energy dependent and there are some parts which are responsible for repetetive behaviour in response for stimuli-habits or patterns. That is why self discipline is hard. It requires to stand against old, easy ways of thinking and doing. But if there is a superior one-parent, coach, drill sergeant, you basically have no other choice other from doing what needs to be done.
    Nevertheless, it must be constant pushing towards your aim. It helps to create the wave and the wave will bring me closer. I am on such wave. Long walks every day, some easy but regular dack and core training. Normal runs are too hard, I felt very bad yesterday after such one. But I can slowly introduce me into running. Still problems with sleep and constant forgetting words but a little bit better that it was. Good. It is time to be more alert. Also, as a matter of recovery, I continued my chess playing and educating. I was relatively bad player due to inconsistent training and distractions. Nonetheless, I like it. Also, I continue my Dulingo german lessons. Consistency beat everything. I am even able to recognise some known words on TV.
    I am on my 4th day of no PM. After horrible binges it is already progress, but not much.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2021
  5. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    A lot of SF, especially when I am in bed. My sleep is impaired, I stay awake up to 03:00 and then wake up at 11:00. Often I wake up earlier by hour or two but stay in bed not fully alert. At these times I have often Med. Actually, it better to avoid all these thoughts
     
  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Terrible mood swings. I actually can not prepare for my exam. Just terrible mood and that is all. Nonetheless I did my planned workout. No factor. I put thrash out of my head and my life. Transforming E.coli is very traumatic to cells and we need to give a sorbitol for those bacteria to better their chances of survival. Why do transforming myself should not be nasty and traumatic?
    It was stupid to expect that I would learn everything for my exam just before it and have great results. That is actually what I used to take for granted: great results. I have used to idea that I always have great marks and completely forgot about the amount of work behind it. I have became complacent and slowly drifted toward bottom. Same thing with women. I have never ever call girl on a date but somehow expected to find myself in a relationships. That is a stupid way of thinking. Also, I fear to take responsibility and fear to fail. I avoid risk, tend to perfectionism, expect to early payoff and feel bitter after fained expectations. I know a lot about me and I slowly implement what I have learned. Old fears, courses of thoughts and actions are incredibly difficult to change. That is why I and others fail so often when quitting PM. Because it is hard. It is supposed to be hard. Only way to do is continue doing what needs to be done, what is hard but will payoff later, what is scary and what you still doing bad. All I need is check my ego, shut it down, tell myself a truth and do a little better every day like it just one day.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2021
  7. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have done with my last exam. Results were mediocre but I got what I deserve. And it is GOOD. No reason to complain. Have some painful feelings from yesterday`s workout. 6 days without PM. I just do not react to the stimuli. That is not as important as my brain feels.
     
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  8. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. Same old pattern: the longer stay in bed the bigger probability of PM. No factor. PM is not as important as it feels and I am not going to tell everyvody how weak and pathetic am i or beat myself up. I have some better stuff to do
     
  9. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Jordan B Peterson`s lectures are powerful, like a language to show things that I can not articulate clearly. Very interesting and really mind challenging. Just like in chess. There is some universal motives, some patterns of play which are not exact sequences of moves or positions on a desk but rather some ideas of doing or not doing. Interestingly, I did not lost my ability to understand and remember some ideas or patterns, general stuff without clear definitions but my memory about certain things are gone. had a lot of problems with it during exams. Cognitive impairment from covid similar to feeling which you can feel on a bike after a long unuse. At first, it seems like you completely forgot how to move your legs and arms. Multiple it at 100 and imagine that feeling throughout a day. When life go crazy it is a time to think general patterns in it.
    I have some conversations with my friends on New Year selebration. He has a lot of things on his mind which are making a lot of pressure on him. Similar to myself. he has a huge void in his soul and seeking after some content to fill it. Well, it is hard to find it in country that have become independent after disintegration of Soviet Union. Lack of national elite and some ideology with abcense of possibility to hit success in intelectual fields like science, medicine, teaching childs make it very easy to start filling void but substitutes of real life: porn, drugs, and so on. Interestingly, as I can see, similar existential problem is present at relatively stable and successful countries and young men from these countries experience the same problems as I.
    We need a mission, a task, something taht can fill that void and will not destroy us. Human beings are very similar to carnivores like cats or dogs. Well, we do not have sharp teeth and claws, can not see in darkness or smell a drop of blood from distance. But our eyes are pointed in front of us, we are the most succsessful at cooperation between animals, we are excellent long distance runners ( there are African natives which can run entire day and even hoses have worse endurance), we were the hunters and gatherers for hundreds of thousands of years before settling down. From these ancient times came old rituals and customs of child initiation into role of man or women. Such initiations have motives of death, rebirth and finding your own strength and weaknesses through hard tests and learning from older men. American Indians had customs of voluntary lockdowns on a top of trees or mountains by young men to find their mentor spirit, to test them. jews have bar mitzvah-custom of making boys into men. Spartans..well, everyone know about their system of upbringing.
    Nowadays, most of sych customs are gone. Men and women have similar roles and even biological distinctions are going into abyss due to social construct known as ''gender''. What is my mission, my goal, my task? I am not talking about going into college or finding a job. These are a tools. I am talking about existential tasks and ways of finding who you are and what and how to do in the world. That is a hard question without clear answer because our cultural revo;utions. My answer is making my life and life those around me a little bit orderly and better every day. That is just a start and God only knows how it is ends
     
  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. I should not forget about avoiding any arousing content. No big deal, I am not going to fall into depression due to this relapse.
     
  11. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. Rationalization is bullshit. Do not listen.
     
  12. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Covid had hit me harder than I think. Even little PT (physical training) may cause headache and postponed heartache. My doctor have proposed me to establish moderate plan of PT in order to recover. I was a relatively fit guy ( 12 pull ups in a row as usual and max as 16 and 21 as wide pull ups, 5k runs and so on) but my body lost the ability to adapt as usual and need other attitude. I need to make step back, detach and make a call as if my ego is shut up.
    It all about attitude. Porn, vasturbation, fitness, learning, studying, work and so on. It is all about human individual. You need an identity. "I want to quit P to fuck girls" is not. " I am not porn user/smoker/alcoholic" is. Goals are far and may seem untouchable or you may be forced to change it. If you see yourself as an athlete you will continue training even after rough trauma. If you only want to achieve some goal, some rank or gold medal, injury and subsequent loss makes you to quit training. i have had a lot of such experience for 5 years of chess training. Having an identity makes you to analyse your loss and do better next time. Having an identity causes to amke a little bit better every day or at least stay the same. It is especially useful in case of quitting addiction. Addictions are so hard to quit because of strong engrainment both in the body ( neuronal patterns are exploitated the wrong way) and mind ( mood swings, depression, withdrawal symptoms). ADDICTION IS A PART OF ADDICTED. You will not quit addiction unless you will change yourself towards other person and simple establishing new habit is not enough. For some people, it is but every habit is linked to results which are wanted to achieve, processes which are acted and identity changes beneath both of them. For example, winning a gold medal is a great goal and you must to trainin order to achieve. But without consistency and selfremembering why it is very hard not to quit. Winners usually are not thinking about goals or processess. They execute as if training as important as natural for them as breathing. It is beyond consciousness. Same with addiction. Do you can control your own dreams during sleep or your heart rate while trainning? Well, the answer is '' no'' unless you are an Ubermensch)). So struggles to control an addiction should not be seen as weakness or so. As a result, fighting with addiction must be waged on higher levels, not only abstaining from P and establishing new habits. Do not get me wrong, these are very helpful but are just first steps. You can not win war by simple front attack no matter what or beat your opponent on chess board by only moving your queen. Identity shifts do not always make themselves remarkable. people can beat an addiction or create new version of themselves without this phy;osofical thoughts. But no one can understand itself without
     
  13. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. All your excuses are lies.
     
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Cravings in the morjing, chaser effect at full force. The answer is NO
     
  15. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Med. But recent days were quite gut, I did planned things and keep doing a little bit better every day. I study some interesting subjects which have picked me up from university, playing chess, working out, chatting with friends, reading, playing chess
     
  16. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Med. PMed.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  17. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    terrible mood without any reason. I don`t know why but there it is. PMed.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  18. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Kinda strange week. Reajust my training, it is always good to return to basics. I have included some leg and back training as well as stretching; I always lack these part of training. Doing some stuff that I have planned to do
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2021 at 2:19 PM
    dualwield likes this.

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