PMed twice. I hate this disgusting feeling of sleepiness and grogginess after pm. The frequency of flips is around 2-3 a week at weekends. I am busy with work at the rest of the week.
My thoughts are constantly revolving around me being manipulated during my first month at my job. I have written it previously. I feel being used for dirty power games by egotistical person who pursued his own interests at all costs. He manipulated, lied and used not only me but some other persons. And consequences were dire. We were almost thrown out of team. It is a really miserable experience and this affiliation with that manipulative guy caused ruined relationships with others. These days everything is OK, but I understand that if only I was smarter enough to avoid being manipulated I would be in much better position today. I would have much more interesting job during previous year, I would have more good friends, I would have much more chances to establish a romantic relationships. I feel like previous year was almost wasted due to my own inexpirience and naivety. I chose to get stronger and took full responsibility for finging a solution of this problem but the fact is the fact. I only reacted to the problem
I am glad that I have not quitted and find a courage to make something good with my life. Nonetheless, mistakes have been made and I had payed. This thought cause the most disturbance. I feel guilty for being not smart enough not experienced enough not brave enough to stood against the manipulation. I understand why it happens but I can nt accept it. Still. It is horrible to live in the past, to return constantly. "If only I....'". I understand that what happens that happens and I cannot change the past. I can only mitigate it in thr present and work towards better future.
I feel like burned out person who still pursued his goals with raging energy. I understand that I am fighting against the fundamental flaws of human nature. I am not perfect, nor disciolined enough not smart enough not experinced enough. I constantly make mistakes and bad choices. The only thing left is the fighti g spirit not to quit. Not to put down my hands and walk away. I feel being molested by porn addiction, being horribly weakened and traumatized. And I also feel that only 1 person in the world can do something with it and that is me. Fight is not over yet. What is really matters is to work towards being better person right NOW. Learn from past mistakes but stop reliving it over and over again.
PMed twice. I escape.painful reality via porn. I rarely can wake up refreshed after sleep. It is too hot for me and I also often wake up at night with no reason. The only thing that can help is discipline.
