My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Mate you need to find another way to deal with your feelings. Sometimes you have to jsut sit in it and not try to escape it. And then you need to find healthier outles for release.

    So for me when. I was in school I would procrastinate and feel stressed.

    Then I would PMO to numb myself from those feelings but then make myself even more anxious viscious cycle.

    Think the issue is avoidance.

    Addressing the avoidance will help you. I would look up some strategies on that and focus more on that then the porn. Becuase it sounds the same as me.

    This really helped me maybe it could help you?

    I did work through this in talk therapy with a professional though.

    The more shame you feel the worse your chaser is going to be. So pick yourself up quick and dont beat yourself up, but expect more of yourself in a healthy way.

    You are strong and you can do this.
    Ccman123 likes this.
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Thanks, man. Maybe, addicts have some similar thought patterns and that is why we are both there/
    PM is not the problem itself, it is just coping mechanisms. Actual work on myself, improving, learning myself is actually an only way out. lockdown males it harder. Also I am sick, and sickness is not helpful. For me, lack of training and moving was the worst. It seems like avalanche. When I am doing some good, it become easier to continue doing right thing. Mindset changing, like an establishing a some habit. And when I am doing something wrong, it become harder to quit doing. Last weeks was messy. No factor. I can not change that. But I can change what I am doing right now. Not in the future, not in the past. Right now. That is only thing that matters.
    Ccman123 and R3balance like this.
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Focus on today.

    Your plan for today.

    What you CAN do today. Not things you want to do that you cant.

    Day by day.

    Focus on your feelings, know they will come and go if negative.

    You can do this!
    Ccman123 likes this.
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    do one thing nice for yourself today and share with us!

    Can be anything a self care thing, ttime doing a hobby, stretching, meditating etc just do one thing thats nice for you and let us know!
    Ccman123 likes this.
  5. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Pm'ed. I am so ashamed. Half of my family and maybe me also sick due to covid. Yesterday my grandmother almost fell inconscious. Luckily, it was just a faintness. My mother and sister are so sick that barely can eat sitting. I am do not studying at all. Binging with p, gaming, watching nonsens youtube video games, dreaming abiot different life. I have to be a man and help my family but I can not even help my self. I feel no energy or motivation to do somethung from things that had intersted me before addiction. Only Duolingo lessons are still maked. .I knoe what to do, I know how to do but I am not doing. And I fear to lose. Lose in life. Lose in love. Lose in studying. Lose in relationship. Lose in everything. But this fear does not drive me. I fear even to think about fear.
    Well, that was expected. Maybe, some.part of me is happy to live by current lifestyle. Because if it was not true I defitilely would change it. But therr is a part of me which wants to fight. Who wants to change it but got frustrated from the slow tempo. Well, the only way is making small steps. One foot after another. That is a time to establish some nee good habit. It wiil be eye exercises. I will download some kind of a habit trecker, habitica is good but kinda uncomfortable.
    What is good that I am not beating my haed against the wall because "i have relapsed, i am damn weak, cryy"). Minus one trigger.
  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Keeping my Duolingo streak. Done some of my writing assignment. Working on my eyes exercises. Good. I am doing small steps. But I do something.
    Still sick. It seems like covid.
  7. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Damn man hope you dont have COVID and really try to block your pattern / disrupt your pattern. It seems to have a really deep grasp on you right now. Dig Deep and fight!
  8. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Well, it is covid. Yesterday I had so high temperature, that I was barely conscious. Somehow managed to put it down. I think that part of my studying problem is due to covid because I have noticed raised temperature and headaches a month ago but isolated myself from all around me, drink a lot of tea with aspirin and made acute infection into chronic. When I returned to home, all my family was sick amd my weakened organism couldn't resist.
    I am still establishing new habits: Duolingo, eye exercises. I try at least to do something regularly which is unusual for chronic perfectionist. Perfectionism is good at short range but life is not that. To avoid urged nowadays I am listening Jocko Podcast, audiobooks, keep myself busy.
    I have lernt that jesuits also have a entire strategy to fight urges for drinking alcohol or sexual contacts, including m'ing. They made horizontal line in the notebook. Each line resemble one week. In case of relapsing the one dot was made on line. One dot-one relapse. After each case jesuits pray to the Lord. At the end of the week jesuit made an assessment and promised to made a little less relapses on the next week. Next two weeks, when there was ine case for week. One month, accordingly to raredness, and so on.
    I am establishing this strategy in my case. It is easier than clean streak for long periods of time. But it need patience and humility to my own weaknessess. Actually, I have dropped the number of resets from 1 each day to approximately 1 each week. That is already huge success for me. Also, in case of quitting I am trying to avoid porn, only m'ing. That is better that binge. But it is not easy and requires patience to myself. I can not block my pattern. But I can disrupt it. Weaken it. Change it. It is stupid to expect a blitzkrieg in my case. I am to long in this crap. But I can wage a longer counteraddiction campaign. And it have proven it effectiveness. It is time to continue and do not forget that quitting addiction is long, hard, messy. The only thing matter. Eventual success in the end
  9. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Made my Doulingo and eye exercises. Still very sick but already better that it was. It is a good opportunity to think about my life instead of complaining. A lot of my plans were ruined due to COVID and sickness. I have complained about it to almost everyone. It did not help. Whining does not help. Never. I can find a solution of the problem or can not. There are only black and white with no grey area. I am going to fight through the rest of the month with no more than one reset. I can not avoid it completely but I can use more promising strategy to destroy my addiction. I could fell into pity to myself but that is not my way.
  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Today I feel a little bit better but my ability to smell is gone. I cough very hard and it is actually painful to cough. But I have made my duolingo lessons, read a book, and succsessfully avoided PM'ing although those sexual fantazies lurking in my head. No factor. I have much more interesting to do than jerking myself while starring on screen
    TrueDat likes this.
  11. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Terrrible headaches due to COVID. I am filled with negative thoughts, depressive, although a couple days ago, when I was really bad, I was thinking much more positive.
    On the one hand, I worry about unfinished studying projects and future difficulties due to my absence. On the other, studying feels kinda useless and boring, stupid and meaningless. I want to become biochemist but all my practical side of studying is gone due to COVID restrictions and my sickness. I have a huge workload and hate it because teachers substitutes real lab work by stupid writing assignments (we must have some sort of activity for points). Nonetheless, I understand the reasons of such unpleasant situations. Also, I feels like..lost?lied about? Like all which I was told abput college life is a LIE. i feels like all my work and sacrifices and efforts are useless and I was not given what I deserve (in my opinion). College is like highschool and I hated my highschool, so hard it was. The only thought which had helped me finish it was "It worth it, future will be bright and easy''.
    There were similar overemotional thoughts earlier. Usually before relapses. And I am really prone to depressive thoughts, resentment and melancholy. Just like my grandma. I know that life is not fair and that sometimes I behave like immature needy boy. What is more important, I know about brain damage from addiction. I want to feel good, like from the first Pm`ing, but nothing can be similar to it. As a result-apathy and feeling like everything is meaningless, awful and stupid. And sickness. These headaches are just nightmare.
    But everything have meaning. And we really get what we deserves. I deserve a hard lesson from life to keep my ego in check. I was an asshole back then. And I must take responsibility for me. And I have already started. That is unpleasant and scary. But quitting and returning to PM`ing is not an option. Substituting real life by pleasure is the reason why I am here, in such unpleasant situation.
    I feel better when in times of need I write down my thoughts. that is better than keeping all in my head and than explode like volcano. And I have already done a lot towards my goal. Small steps. Only in movies self-improvement is easy and quick. Small, lttle steps are better than nothing. Just in couple years of such labor my life will be infinitely better.
    I began to work on some projects which I have to finish for completing the course. I began to doing SOMETHING. Good. Headaches, sickness, depressve thoughts?-NO FACTOR. I will be doing at least something.
  12. Hi Krebs,

    Remember that recovery is a beast you must attack from all fronts. How you take care of yourself mentally impacts your NoFap journey just as much. Do you find yourself getting depressed because of studies, or do you find the depression is independent of it? Try and understand if there's something stressing you out particularly, and work to break it down so that you can manage it. I personally found I was less depressed about university the more I worked on assignments well before they were due. I knew I would only make myself more sad if I put it off, so I'd just look at the first task of an assignment and say 'okay, this is it for today' and I would try to get as much of it done as possible and not feel too bad about not completing the whole thing.

    Everything in small steps, like you said.

    You have this, man. You're trying, I can see that. You're going to find something that works but you can't do it by beating yourself up.

    I believe in you.
  13. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PM'ed. Have been stressed due to university stressors; a lot of shitnis going on, and I already missing out due to sickness and hard recovery. It seems like covid badly hurted my cardiac system.
    No factor. I want to stay clean up to the end of month. Just 11 days. I did similar before.
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Guys, do not pick up COVID. It sucks)
  15. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    It kinda unpleasant to be sick and this quarantine is not pleasurable. It kinda shitstorm everything. But there is two possibilities.
    First. Endlessly complain, cry and so on. Be resentful and angry. Hate the world and "suffer".
    Second. Take responsibility for me, family, life and world. Who do am I to complain? There are a lot of people which are in the way harsher conditions. People who can not breath and do not have access to oxygen because there is too low and medics must save it in case of reanimation. People without money to buy food. People which already lost loved ones.
    Who do am I to complain? My mental issues are not life threatening. My family is still alive. I am not dying. But I have my own problems. And I am gonna find solution.
    I can not live this year like I wanted to live it. It definitely will change my future. Probably in worst way.
    But I still alive. I am doing little steps towards freedom from addiction. From date of registration I have already made huge progress. I learn A LOT OF about me, about managing emotions, about other people and how it all.connected. I still learning in university, become smarter nad more proficient. I will face struggle to find a job after graduation but that is not uncommon and I can do any low profit job in case of economical problems, I am not whitehanded. I temporarily can not work out. Well, I was not working out in my childhood, that is not a problem at all. Health issues? Well, that is a problem but at least I can avoid worsening.
    Who do am I to complain? Who do am I to cry? Why do it must not happen to me? I am not special or better than other people.
    Shit sometimes happen, life can be unfair, urges are strong and so on. But there is also a lot of good in life. Caring family, supportful friends, playful cats, fresh air, beautiful girls, magnificent sunsets, warm blankets, hot flame. Happiness is rather choice than some external state. I could be angry after relapse (reset?)but I understand that it was kinde predictable and I am not ready enough to make long streaks. But I am not binging.
  16. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Man, it sounds like you're going through an incredibly difficult time and suffering tremendously. I think it's really admirable that you're trying to focus on what you have, and the things that are still beautiful in life. Despite everything you're going through, you're still looking forward and trying to better yourself every day, mad respect for you man, I wish you the absolute best.
  17. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Thanks for support, man, that means for me a lot.
    I've done a lot of dumb stuff earlier, still doing some now, but I'm trying to do less. And journaling is very helpful. Not only support from readers but alse mere fact of writing down own thoughts. I somehow reorder mess in my head, when type here, start see uncommon ways of looking on the problem.
    I just trying to implement some stoic wisdom than have proved it efficiency earlier, both in my and others lives.
    I am glad to be a someone who can be admired for others, who, maybe, inspire by its own actions and thoughts. Well, that is actually a whole point of this forum to help each other.
    Recovery from COVID is hard but gives an incredible opportunity to think about life. What is really important, and what is not, what is the priority, what I do well and what I do wrong.
    Where I am? Where I want to be? What I am going to do about it now? 3 simple questions. Very simple but not easy. Answers is not undercover. I know where am I and know where want to be. It is time to do something about it NOW. Not much, but at least something. Just do good things for 15 minutes in day and that's already a huge difference if there were zero. Imagine how can change ones life in 1 year. 3 years. 5 years.
    Motivation, "spiritual awakening", encouragement from speakers do not work. Only discipline works. Small steps every day towards my goals. Without regrets, hurrying, fears and so. There are just emotions which I can hear but not obliged to listen. And I am happy that I am started today. I happy that I started yesterday. One week ago and so on. Every day matters. Every second matters. Even in the shittiest times ever there is some good.
    TrueDat likes this.
  18. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    M'ed today. But I have consciously avoided P. That is good.
    I have wrote about procrastination a lot. It seems like I fear any test so hard that uncosciously make everything in such way so I can say :"I am not loser just did not worked at full force" or so. My parents are great, they rarely criticised me, or pressured, rather gave expectations. And .I really fear to fail their expectations. Uncosciously I fear so much about possible.critics that start procrastinating to put off responsibility for losing.
    I have attended great hihgschool. Actually, it is the best highschool in my country. Graduatees from there often work in the best universities and corporations both in my country and all over thr world. After graduation, I had had expectations about me and the success. " I MUST be successful". "Everything must be done easily and without hardships". "Everything must be great, average-is not my way". 'I can not lose in anything". " I am so great so everyine must love and admire me". "I am better than everyone else". "I am from that school so I know better".
    Well, I was a dumbass with huge ego). I avoided responsibility for failures. I was desadaptive. Well, that can be great explanation why I had such hardshpis with quitting P. It was more pleasurable than real life. Admitting this helps me a lot. I think that a lot of addicted need thorough psychological review. There is a lot of stuff inside us which reduce rewiring.
    I am not "ideal" which I wanted to be. That ideal was unrealistic. I am getting rid of unproductive thoughts and behaviours. And already see results. I wrote a lot about sexual fantazies. There are less extreme that were earlier. Good. It become easier to avoid and suppress it.
  19. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PM'ed. Old pattern. Stayed in bed for too long. It would be better to go to sleep at 23:30 and wake up at 08:00. I actuall fall asleep at 00:30. That is albetter than it was (03::00) but still there is a lot to do.
    Finally disabled days counter. It kinda shameful to see guys with dosens and hudreds days streaks when I can`t generate more than 10. Day counter does helpful in this case, rather otherwise.
    When I was a kid, I dreamed about being some sort of commando or superagent. Kinda childish, I think. But people from special operations forces are completely different from me, especially younger me. Strong, confident, tough. Well, literally stereotype of real man. And me. Weal, with poor health and couple of chronic diseases. I think that from that time I had developed belief of not accepting weakness. Actually, it was beating myself for any failure. Loses at chess tournaments was complete nighmares, possible bad marks at school-even worse. I had hated physical education lessons because was not fit enough. Then I had attended to that highschool. From the one hand, I hate it. it was hard, I had not sleep enough, my health became even worse. I had missed a lot of social opportunities and experiences, especially with girls. My PM addiction had developed at that time. As well as my arrogance.
    But I definitely remember feel of accomplishment after 4 months into, when I been able to find a solution for especially hard tasks. I remember feel of humbliness. There were great peoples, much smarter than. And i wanted to prove them and me that I can be as good as them. I did.
    I want to resurrect those state of humbliness, willingness to learn from everybody,enthusiasm and readiness. Because at that time I was ready to risk, fail and repeat. I was ready to test myself nad after failed test make work on mistakes and repeat. And the most important: I was ready to never surrender, even if everything was against me.
    Well, writing down really helps to order my thoughts. I have noticed that often I wrote about deep thoughts, hidden usually. It is like to meet someone.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2020
  20. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Horrible weather today. Cold and dark. At the mprning was almost dark as in the night. Zero sun. Have no energy to do something. Somehow wprked on one old writing assignment. Still have to finish it but it close to the end. it seems like something similar to seasonal affective disorder. I don`t think that I have real one rather lack of sun. Nonetheless, I did at least something.
    Maybe, I should somehow limit my time with social apps like FB, Insta, Telegram and so on. Sometimes it is like morbid checking for something new with instant realizing that there is no new. Like a broken audioplayer, constanly repeating one song. I am not going to use blockers. previous experience with porn blockers had proved inefficiency of those. Too easy to disable. It better to establish new habits.

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