My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have to share a story with you, guys. There is a nice girl working at near department at my lab. She is a microbiologist and we have been strudying at the same faculty for 5 years. Actually, we even were at the same class. At the start of this month, I started to think about her. She was nice and smart and we chatted regularly at the work when we can. Nothing specail, just two colleagues working together and having a good relationships. I liked her. Of course, there were bunch of fantasies and so on. I am syill virgin and have never ever dated anyone. A few days ago, I started to think that I should tell her and go on a date with her, if she agreed. The problem is that I lacked courage to tell her. Then the problems begins. She have been taking driving lessons for a while and her instructor called her on a date. I have heard about her drivin lessons earlier and accidentally have heard about her being called on a date. That stroked me. Something dark and angry woked up. I understood that I should to decide and make a move. I have decided to tell her and call on a date. Then it starts again. Fear, lack of courage, fucking excuses. I could text her and go on with life but then I start to postpone. "You should take advice from friend", "You should tell her face-to-face, not by fucking smartphone". And then I have heard a conversation between her and other collegue. They were talking about that instructor. He is going to take her from work on a date, at least that what I understood. I felt shocked. Smashed in a face. Miserable.
    Somehow the only thing that forced me to think to decide and act, not only fantasize and hope, was the possible rivalry from the other male. Aggression, desire, will to succeed-it all was mixed at one pot. And I don`t know what tp think and do. Maybe, I was overthinking and should ask her no matter what? Maybe, I was only objectyfing her as an a prise for a winner of a competition and did not treated her as a person?
    I don`t know. I fear to even text her right now. I have failed. Maybe, I am not mature enough for relatioships? Or I am only a coward. I ruin my own happiness and future. I might be rejected just because I procrastinated a simple conversation. Yes or no, nothing more. What can I provide for her in comparison with her instructor? She even have bigger salary than me, and I bet that guy also. He is an instructor, he will spent more time with her then me. I will lose such a competition. I am a miserable loser.
    Maybe, I am still overthinking? Maybe, there is just a date, nothing else? Maybe, the only thing I should to is to tell her and let her decide? But what if she connects everything she said in my presence to my requst? I don`t know. Why in the hell this is so goddamn complicated?
     
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    No factor. I did what I supposed to do. I text her. I think the mere action of such kind is quite a progress for me.
     
  3. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Well, that was unpleasant but predictable. She refused. I am just a friend for her. Well, I am glad that I took action. Mere friendship with self-produced fantasies and illusions would not work at all.
    It's time to move on.
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have never ever thought that rejection can cause physical heart pain. But that was real. I have felt smashed yesterday.
    If I have decided to play the game and build closer connections with her, It maybe would work. Or wouldn't. I have had some negative experience with playing games. Nevertheless, actions were made and consequences are present. She don't own me anything and there can be nothing personal. Or be. Or she have somebody whom she likes. Or some of my colleagues are actually with relationships with her. Or that driving instructor guy. Or she does not ready gor romantic relationships yet only friendship and having some fun only as a friends. That does not even matter. I can't go back in time and change thr past, I can't force herself to change her decision, I can't force herself to feel love towards me. That does not work that way. I have acted from my heart and have not achieved my goals. That is life. It will tests me and beats me in the most unexpected manner.
    I feel so lonely due to my struggles to form a romantical relationships. For some reason, everybody wants to just be friends. I fear that I will never be able to find/create love while my peers do not experience such problems.
    Sometimes I feel dysfunctional. Crippled from the birth in the emotional capsbilities. I am moving towards understanding emotions but doubt to be capable of expressing them spontaneously.
    "Just live your life and love will come". I hear that often. And that is antagonistical to my natural approach to the world. I plan, and act to make things happen. I can't stand just waiting. Miracle ain't coming. But it seems that is the best strategy.
     
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @Krebs that is hard my man. Much strength to you as you process this. It's not the end of the road and you can still figure it out. Hope the new week is a better week for you.
     
  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Thanks for support.
     
  7. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    It's painful. But it's also completely normal. Live through it
     
  8. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have smojed a cigarette just a few minutes ago. I haven't smoked in months and quitted over 2 years ago. And that was relaxing. Relaxation of legs and back, slight drunkiness for a while. And disgusting smell. And unpleasnat smoke. And you know what? Cigarette didn' solve nothing! It oly reminded why I have quitted.
    Addictive substances do not solve anything and do not help. It is only a little illusion made by hyperstimulation of certain pathways in my brain. Porn does that. And then devil's voice start speaking. "You are so stressed, you are so lusty, just one more time and you quit, all women are bitches, fuck everything, she is a whore, fuck her". All kind of bullshit. All kind of a lie. This brainwashing voice is an enemy. And every enemy must be killed without mercy to yourself.
    I hate that voice, that whisper, that weakness, that lie. I do not need PM, it is not pleasurable. I need to satisfy my needs, I need to win and fight and lose and suffer and enjoy and fail and get up again and learn and study and grind every second of my life.
    I actually proud of myself being rejected because I have acted despite my fears. I had done something I should have done earlier. I have fought and lose and I getting up again. I am tbankful for this lesson. I have so much to master and learn and strive to. And I will.
     
  9. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Sex is not an issue. Sex is not a goal. I really focused on the wrong side of the medal. Don't get me wrong, the relationships and dating and sex are great. In some way, we need these. But we are not dependent on these. I am not dependent on these.
    Constant focusing on sex, ED, horniness, morning wood, and so on leads to self-objectification and orientation at very narrow goals. It is similar to seeking happiness. Hapliness is not like lost thing and you can not scan the space around you seeking space all day long. Happiness can be achieved and built by work and philosophy, but blind seeking almost always leads to failure.
    The indirect strategy is a key. To achieve a goal means to focus on the comoletely another and often opposite things and actions and even forget about your ultimate goal. To focus on building structure that can lead you without your conscious effort.
     
  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Have been a little bit lazy for a while. Less working out, less order at home. Struggled to make a report for a job but my meeting canceled at the last moment. I usually experience significant stress at such moments and struggle to function effectively.
    Nevertheless, I do plank everyday. Almost started smoking again but quit again.
     

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