My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    PM'ed. Bad. Just lost control.
     
  2. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Sorry to hear that, but you're back now.

    Let's get through the rest of the day clean!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Shield of Valoran

    Shield of Valoran New Member

    Hey Krebs,

    It sounds like we're going through similar issues. I find rebooting is a beast you have to attack on all fronts, and it sounds like you've identified a load of obstacles that are in your way.

    With stressors such as university/college, you need to break it down into smaller tasks so they feel less overwhelming. The other day, I broke down an entire assignment over the course of two weeks and wrote down what I would do on each day. The tasks are incredibly small, so I have absolutely no way of avoiding it. For example, I'm a computer science student, and I wrote that yesterday I'd write three lines of code. That was it. All day, I would only write those 3 lines of code. And you know what happened? I ended up doing so much more because I removed the first obstacle of starting, by making the starting task so small. Give it a try.

    Also try break up your time by doing pomodoro time-blocks (25 minutes of work with a 5 minute break). Let your break be away from your workspace. Start smaller if 25 minutes is too long. It definitely is for me who is very prone to getting distracted.

    You also mentioned managing your own emotions, and I think one of the best ways to address that is to start meditating. I put off starting for a really long time because I thought journaling and going for a walk was enough but when you take the time to listen to your own brain for ten to twenty minutes you learn what the noise is and how to release it. Personally, I would prioritise this because most of my reboot progress started when I began a daily meditation habit. (Remember to start small!)

    I also really appreciate that you recognise there's an inner/outer child. I found a lot of my self-development opened up when I listened to what my inner child was saying to me, and what the best version of myself would say back, and how I could pay attention to both.

    You can do this man. I believe in you!

    T.
     
    R3balance likes this.
  4. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    Thanks for support, man. I have never ever tried to start meditating because didn`t believe in efficiency of that. Well, I`ll give it a try. A lot of psychological issues remained unidentified unless I have studied phylosophy during my last year. Actually, I was skeptical about all these things but educating myself on spiritual aspects is as important as studying during college. But the hardest thing was to implement obtained knowledge, to make right things and do not make wrong. It is like making conscious hard choice every second with no days off. And avoiding internal pressure is very important. I have read a lot of threads of guys with cycle "tried to quit-fail-beat himself-make relief for emotional pain-PMed-relapse-reached a bottom-tried to quit''. That is horrible. I have used to force myself to do right choice and beat for wrong like tyrannical father. Actyally, I have learned about inner child from jordan Peterson`s book "12 rules for life". And implementing the right balance between inner child and father was hard. The old patterns are very strong. But paying attention to both and making consciuos decisions like an adult have already helped to establish regular training regimen. Well, I still have troubles managing my own emotions. Good. It is time to make a new good habit.
    Interestingly, I have already implemented the concept of breaking the big task into smaller ones with my Duolingo lessons and physical fitness training. That is actually working. But I have used to work hard to accomplish my goals and my ego had been preventing me from establishing the concept. "It is too little and you are actually lazy". Well, sometimes it true. Nonetheless, very often my ego was wrong. Working hard to accomplish the mission is actually good idea but rebooting and life in general are like fighting simultaneosly on multiple fronts with overwhelming enemy forces. No one can fight sucsessfully in such circumstances. We need to prioritize and execute, and implement strategic plans and visions. I was never good at it. I`d rather make blitzkrieg than long war. Good. It is time to learn.
     
  5. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    I have succesfully made a habit of taking Duolingo lessons. 23 days in and practicising becam second nature. Working on habit of meditation now. Let myself to relax yesterday after successful text. Not much but it feels like a mountain
    have felt from my shoulders.
    Had felt sick in Tuesday before the test and took measurement of.my temperature. It was raised. Not much but I definitely feel bad. Seems like a not permanent but it would be better to check it out.
    What is really bad that I had not been working out since last Friday. Feeling sick was not helpful at all. But there is some good. Earlier this year I have noticed a pattern of excessive sexual fantasies especially during morning. I have lernt to avoid reaction to it. It is simple: do not react. At all. Do not try to suppress it. It will hit harder. Just treat them like a some sounds from the working TV that doesn't matter. Also it is helpful that I almost completely lack libido during last weeks. My body does not respond to sexual stimulus unless it a) 7+ day of streak b)physical contact ( touching etc). It maybe sign of damage to my body or mind due to porn but not feeling horny all the time is actually helpful. It is easier to avoid reset/relapse when you need close stimulation and feel that erection on some P is forced and not stable. Good. My body also recognise the damage. What is really interesting that I had noticed before reset that is my musculus pubococcygeus becoming stronger. This muscle have a couple of important functions. First of all, it keeps the anus tight so defecation can be succsessful. Second, it plays an auxilliary role during erection. By musculus pubococcygeus erection can be really strong and last for some period.of time without stimulation. To feel this musculus try to stop piss during pissing or try to move your penis upside (without hands of course). Third, this muscle make a series of strong contractions during O = ejaculation. Weak musculus pubococcygeus can not maintain a healthy erection, can cause a development of hemorrhoidal bodies and subsequent painful symptoms. Also, the stronger this muscle is the more pleasure from O man can feel. I actually think that a huge part of ED problems guys report here are linked with excessive M'ing and subsequent worning out of this muscle. As a result-weak E, unabliness to O or less pleasurable sex than it should be.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
    UK Don likes this.
  6. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    Have been sick this week. Not much but it was strange, only raised temperature (37). I have decided to avoid any workouts this week. Good. My training was not balanced enough and I often neglected beneficial exercises. Well, it would be better to create more balanced plan.
    Start to work on some long-term projects by doing small yet manageable parts. One more habit to debelop.
    Struggled with meditations. It is hard to build but definitely interesting.
    Had fought the urges succsessfully. Sometimes it still like obsession, like I am losing control over my thoughts. But it is somehow easier to not react when clearly understand that 99% of them just encircled neuronal circuits, not real desires.
     
  7. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    Still sick. Have not trained since 9th October. Have a good streak but still have some work to do. There are a lot of content which can substitute porn and it is better to avoid it. There is nothing wrong with desire to look on beautiful half-naked women but it definitely will make rebooting a lot harder. And those damn fantazies. It actually similar to looking porn in my own head and very difficult to suppress. But keeping brain busy helps to avoid dangerous thoughts.
    Interestingly, writing notes from lectures help to tune myself at studying and indirectly helps to quit PM. And making small steps while working with big projects really useful strategy. It was stupid not using it earlier. Good. I learnt.
    Still feeling inactive. Maybe it is just sickness. Maybe it is symptoms of hidden fear of losing the upcoming tests. Or boredom from need to stay indoor all day and any online messenger can not substitute live talking. Or it withdrawal sign. A lot of guys have reported that had felt deppressive. Or it is a lack of moving. Sports, working out, running and so really influences mood in positive way.
    Anyway, life goes by and goes by quick. Very quick. Sometimes it goes in wrong direction but it still goes. Everything that I should do-still living.Not living still.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020 at 10:52 AM
  8. Krebs

    Krebs New Member

    I have procrastinated a lot. I had to make some assignments on tomorrow. Have not done it yet. I will have 3 tests, 2 writing assignments and some lab work next week. Barely managed to start doing something. The problem os that I didn't like the way some of my classes are taught and fear that this can negatively impact my points. Also, due to this i am not interesting in these classes at all and when I am not interesting in something I usually neglect it.
    On the one hand, I must to study because my studying is free and even more, god students get money (like salary) in my country. Also, my speciality (scientist/lab worker) isn't very needed on labor market. I feel sorry for my parents which helped me a lot to create optimal studying conditions and did not get angry for my relatioship for studying. Also, I am not sure what to do after I get my bachelor diploma. I do not want to study here but studying abroad while Covid-19 is killing someone right now... And will kill more. I have a father who barely survive 2 strokes this year and both times my mother was the person who save his live. He is not cripple but that can happen. He is real man, smart, talented, helpful and can succsessfully find solution of any home task whether it is plumbing or wiring or fix the car. I want to be like him. I feel sorry for him. I live better than many millions and can not work hard to succsessfully little, tiny tasks I only have.
    From the other hand, I sometimes hate my mother for the patterns of thoughts and actions she have instilled in me. I have only studying, just a few friends, do not have a girlfriend, have never attended gym nor martial arts, always did what she wants, always feel a hypercontrol from her and nowadays forced to live with older sister who behave just like my mom. I do not have a moral right to think such way, she is my mother, but... Why I always have to do what she told me to do, what she told that was right and never get what I really wanted? Why did I studied so hard and did whatever I was told and did not feel any reward for it? My life is miserable: I had so poor vision that I can not see any sign during vision tests, I have chronic sinusitis and flat foot, I am actually short (1,72 cm) and skinny cause never attended any sports cause my mom said that it can ruin cardiac system, I had terrible highschool in specialized school. 2 years sleeping only 4 hours a day, 6 days in school, a ton of difficult homework, a long road on ruined streets back and forth. I was given a choice but actually the pros from that school were like "it will be less harder to study at university". At a time my classmates have a full speed highschool life: first dates and love, adventures and spending time together while I was a new flesh and have to work like a madman cause school was elite and I should have attended it earlier. I have only 2 friends from school while my former classmates have a lot of. I thought I was the smartest man in the world after that school and easily will beat the university. I have failed terrible with girl I liked. Studying was not actually easy, I had to work and there were a lot of stupid things which I could not stand. I was stupid, arrogant and complacent. I still is. I have imagined a sex with that girl while jerking or lurking through pornhub. i good student but I am not best and I do not feel like I have to be one. I have used to procrastinate and waste time. Sometimes for all my failures I blame my mom. Maybe, it is a sign of some psychological issues because logically I understand that it is not her fault.
    I have started implementing some Jordan Peterson's and Jocko Willink's rules and lessons to my life. It is right but not easy. I have been undisciplined and still is. I relapsed. Not today. Nor Yesterday. But it was a lot of times when I started to quit. I feel like not living my full life, not get everything possible from my potential. I feel like all hard work done earlier is useless and I can't get what I want. Like I was deceived by my own parents and myself. I don't know what happening with me. I do not feel any good from quitting pm like many guys did. Logically I understand that this will requires at least year. Emotionally I am like on waves, like there are opposing forces pulling inside me. Emotional ups and downs, boredom, anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, hate. I understand that it is overreaction. Can not stop. It will stops tomorrow. I will break through and a lot of my fears will be inconsistent. But it can happen again. It will definitely happen again. But i am not going to give up. I am not going to tolerate my weaknesses and return to pm'ing. I will do what is right. I am not alone. I have caring friends and family. I have this forum and can not fail those who read my posts. I will build a good life and will help others who struggle to build theirs.
     
    R3balance and dualwield like this.
  9. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    stay strong mate! I’ve done posts similar to this and then relapsed right after.

    do what you need to continue saying no to your urges. Remember they are just visitors and the urges check in and they check out.

    I feel the same way where you described not a full life. I feel like losing so many mental battles to this addiction had me exhausted and defeated after over 10 years of struggling. And then missing a normal sex life. It’s hard to feel complete.

    Sometimes we want to quit when we are so close to reaching our goals. This is when we have to buckle down and push harder.

    Dig deep and don’t give in to the urges. Stay in control and feed yourself positive thoughts.

    i believe in you
     

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